Sexless marriage due to husband watching gay and transexual porn

[Spellman]

I'm 35 (female) and my Husband is also 35 (male) WE have been together for 12 years, married 7 years. 

Sex has always been an issue in our relationship and the lack of intimacy got worse over the last maybe 5 years. I thought he might be having an affair, so I went on his ipad one night about 3 years ago and I found a lot of porn on his Internet history, as well as chat rooms and watching live sex videos. The history went back as far as ten years. The type of stuff he was searching for and watching way gay and transexual. 

I asked him about it straight away and he got upset and left. He came back the next day and told me that he was abused by a man when he was a child, and that's why he watches it, to try to understand what happened to him??? I tried to be understanding and supportive but the images of what he was watching wouldn't go away. 

I told him I will try to make things work and help him through it, I've told him to get therapy but it's three years later and he still hasn't taken any steps to get help, and he still doesn't make any effort to be intimate with me. He promised that he will stop watching it, yet I found it on his phone a couple of weeks ago. Again, I asked him about it and he just said that he doesn't know why he watches it.

Our sex life is non existent now. He doesn't try anything with me and I don't with him because I feel unattractive to him and like I'm just a cover up for him liking men. I don't feel, and never have felt sexy around him, we're more like house mates and best friends than man and wife, but we love each other. 

He always avoids the conversation about our sexless marriage and it seems he's happy to just carry on how we are. I've told him I'm not happy with a sexless relationship, I want sex, passion and intimacy, but he just expects me to accept it I think. He tells me he does find me attractive and wants me in that way, yet doesn't do anything to show it. So much time has passed now that I don't think of him in that way and am struggling to get past it and think of him sexually again. 

Recently, there has been a lot of chemistry with someone I work with. Nothing has happened but I can't ignore the fact that another man is looking at me in a way that I always hoped my husband would. I really like this man and we get on so well. He makes me feel like a 'woman' again and that I am attractive and wanted. 

I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my husband tonight and I just got the abuse story again and how it's still affecting him, yet he's not trying to get help?? I've told him again that I'm feeling lonely and depressed because of it all so we need to resolve it, even if thats agreeing to just be friends, but he doesn't listen to me, he just says he'll try.... but I know he won't, and I physically can't be intimate with him anymore, that's gone for me. 

Can I carry on feeling like this in a sexless marriage because I love him and don't want to hurt him? I can't imagine being without him, but I know deep down that I want more. If he was watching poen but still showing interest in me and having sex with me it wouldn't be such a big issue, but he used to get annoyed with me when I'd try having sex with him, which made me so insecure about myself, so I stopped trying too. 

Am I being unreasonable and should I be more supportive? 

[Capricorn3]

Your marriage does sound like it's in a lot of trouble.  I can only advise you try marriage counseling, either both together, or you on your own just to give you the tools on how to work this out etc.

If what your husband says is true (about past abuse), then he really should seek counseling/therapy anyway.  But I understand you can lead a horse to water but not make it drink.  It seems he chooses not to get help.  That's where marriage counseling comes into play, for you.

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Your marriage does sound like it's in a lot of trouble.  I can only advise you try marriage counseling, either both together, or you on your own just to give you the tools on how to work this out etc.

If what your husband says is true (about past abuse), then he really should seek counseling/therapy anyway.  But I understand you can lead a horse to water but not make it drink.  It seems he chooses not to get help.  That's where marriage counseling comes into play, for you.

I agree- and -do you have kids together?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Spellman said:

. The history went back as far as ten years. The type of stuff he was searching for and watching way gay and transexual.  He promised that he will stop watching it, yet I found it on his phone a couple of weeks ago.. He always avoids the conversation about our sexless marriage and it seems he's happy to just carry on how we are. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately porn addition, compulsive gambling , etc, and most addictions require increasing extreme stimulus for effect.

Please don't take it personally or try to help or support him thereby enabling this. Pansexual porn is not therapy for alleged child sexual abuse.  Do you know whether he is bisexual? You mentioned your sex life was never good. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done specifically STD testing. You may only know the tip of the iceberg. Please be frank with your doctors.

Please ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support and to unpack and sort all this out. You have spoken to him multiple times but to no avail.

He has some sort of problem but denies it, gaslights you, making your life miserable. However you can get objective help and support privately and confidentiality. 

[MissCanuck]

If he isn't willing to get help or seek marriage counselling with you, then I would advise you to re-evaluate the viability of this marriage. 

It's already falling apart at the seams. You say you don't want to hurt him (understandably), but he doesn't seem to have any problem with the hurt this is causing you. Your feelings matter too and if he isn't willing to meet you halfway, well, I would say you need to end the marriage. 

 

[Kwothe28]

Your husband is attracted by D. Unless you somehow install one, I don’t see you ever having sexual life there. At least in a satisfaction kind of way. 
 

I am sorry, but what you are having there is not really fixable. From obvious reasons. So it would be good to seek an exit from there. Meaning divorce.

[Coily]

You are being unreasonable, to yourself. Considering his preference in porn and the lack of sex in your marriage, what is keeping you there? At best this marriage is one of convenience, but being there to support him when he doesn't give a toss about your needs? That is unreasonable.

Sounds like he is closeted, and prefers to do so rather than seek any means to help himself or the marriage. Is that how you want to live for the rest of your life?  A facade? One where you get none of the intimacy of marriage? I'm usually the last on the divorce train, but all aboard!

[itsallgrand]

Honestly I thought the same as Wiseman. If my SO of that many years had been hiding that from me for all those years, I'd be thinking what else is he hiding? There is zero excuse for that even if there was abuse in his past. The foundation of a relationship is being honest about who you are.  

 

[Spellman]

11 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your husband is attracted by D. Unless you somehow install one, I don’t see you ever having sexual life there. At least in a satisfaction kind of way. 
 

I am sorry, but what you are having there is not really fixable. From obvious reasons. So it would be good to seek an exit from there. Meaning divorce.

Thank you for the advice. I know that ending the marriage is the right thing to do, he's just making it so difficult and trying to make me feel sorry for him. When I found all the porn three years ago, he took an overdose and ended up in hospital. I hope he will be different this time and accept it without the drama. 

[Spellman]

3 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Honestly I thought the same as Wiseman. If my SO of that many years had been hiding that from me for all those years, I'd be thinking what else is he hiding? There is zero excuse for that even if there was abuse in his past. The foundation of a relationship is being honest about who you are.  

 

Thanks for your response and advice. I honestly couldn't believe he'd never told me about it after all the years we've been together, which is why I'm struggling to believe it to be honest. I feel like it was his way of trying to make me feel sorry for him and forgive what he was doing. But how do you tell someone that you don't believe they were abused without sounding heartless.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Spellman said:

 how do you tell someone that you don't believe they were abused without sounding heartless.

There's no need to tell him anything. Let him allege whatever he wants. You don't have to believe it. What was he diagnosed with when he was hospitalized? 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Spellman said:

But how do you tell someone that you don't believe they were abused without sounding heartless.

You don't need to. 

You are well within your rights to leave the marriage for the simple fact that there are serious problems that he refuses to seek any help for. 

[itsallgrand]

4 hours ago, Spellman said:

Thanks for your response and advice. I honestly couldn't believe he'd never told me about it after all the years we've been together, which is why I'm struggling to believe it to be honest. I feel like it was his way of trying to make me feel sorry for him and forgive what he was doing. But how do you tell someone that you don't believe they were abused without sounding heartless.

I agree with the others. You don't need to tell him that. There's more than enough issues here and telling him that wouldn't solve anything. 

I just read your other post about him overdosing after you finding all his porn. That's really concerning. All of this all together, he is not treating you right! Its terrible of him to use manipulation like this. 

 

[Spellman]

On 2/29/2024 at 11:53 PM, Batya33 said:

I agree- and -do you have kids together?

Hi, no we don't have any kids. 

[Spellman]

On 3/1/2024 at 7:40 PM, Wiseman2 said:

There's no need to tell him anything. Let him allege whatever he wants. You don't have to believe it. What was he diagnosed with when he was hospitalized? 

He was in hospital for one night, apparently on suicide watch. Its been three years and nothing has happened with counselling since then. So he's clearly not trying to get help for himself, or to save our marriage. 

[MissCanuck]

31 minutes ago, Spellman said:

So he's clearly not trying to get help for himself, or to save our marriage. 

Has your marriage ever been really good, though? In an intimate sense, I mean. 

My point is this: what would you be restoring the marriage to, exactly? What would a satisfying arrangement between you and your husband look like? 

[ShySoul]

On 2/29/2024 at 1:32 PM, Spellman said:

I've told him again that I'm feeling lonely and depressed because of it all so we need to resolve it, even if thats agreeing to just be friends, but he doesn't listen to me, he just says he'll try.... but I know he won't, and I physically can't be intimate with him anymore, that's gone for me. 

You have tried to work through things. You have been supportive. But to make things work, both sides need to put in the effort and he hasn't. You can only do so much. He has to be the one to confront whatever issue is in his past. He may be gay. He may have been abused. We can't know that. But what is clear is that he has lied to you for years and continued to do something he knows hurts you. He has refused to get help or address his feelings. I'm actually concerned for his mental well being and it's touching that you still care about him enough to be concerned yourself. But ultimately, you can't fix it for him and it's not fair to you to be put aside like you have. You should have a relationship that leaves you fulfilled in every way.

You are justified in ending the relationship. Stand firm even if he tries to pull something to get you to stay. You can still care about him without staying with him. Then just take care of yourself. Be careful about rushing into a new relationship. It might be tempting to feel that rush of being wanted again. But take the time to make sure you are okay and that if something happens, it's going to be right.

[SooSad33]

On 2/29/2024 at 4:32 PM, Spellman said:

Can I carry on feeling like this in a sexless marriage because I love him and don't want to hurt him?

You don't want to hurt HIM?  He's been hurting you all along 😞 .

No realtionship should ever go w/out the intimacy. So, HE is the one being neglectful and selfish!

And yeah, his 'obsession' has taken over your relationship.  And you have already asked him to seek prof help and he hasn't. Then I'd be done, if I were you!

Why waste your time & energy with someone like this?  

Sorry you are being hurt like this with someone who cannot seem to love you properly. 😕