Mortgages will tear us apart

[Helpless-homelife]

So a TLDR for the background of this story. My husband purchased his parents house when they got into financial difficulties and they continue  to live in it. We then purchased a house under my name so that we could get a mortgage. For context his parents house is like 5 bedrooms with loads of space and our house is 3 bedrooms but not much in the way of space. 

We now have a child and are rapidly outgrowing this house but because he owns his parents house, we can't afford to buy a bigger house or expand this one. 

I feel like he doesn't listen when I talk about the situation at all. His mom doesn't say anything about it ever, has never mentioned it really and just general pretends that everything is fine. The problem is that his parents can't keep up with the size of the house that they live in. His mum keeps buying crap off the Internet and every room is filled to the brim with junk, they function out of the kitchen, living room, bathroom and bedroom and that's essentially it. 

I get that they have lived in the house for years and years but they have to see that they are drowning in it while we are tripping over ourselves in our house. 

Am I crazy for getting annoyed by this situation? It drives me crazy and I'm starting to think it will be the downfall of our marriage. A husband who won't stand up to his mother is always going to be a husband that won't stand up to his mother. 

Should I stay and try to figure out a way to be okay with it or should I make a move that will improve the homelife for my child and I? 

[Andrina]

I don't get what you want. Do you want to switch houses? Do his parents pay rent to him? How much did he pay for the house? How old are his parents? Do you want both houses sold so you two can afford to buy a bigger house and that his parents can maybe rent a small place?

Whatever the case, in your shoes, I'd ask him to attend a marriage counselor with you, plus attend a session with a financial advisor with you. Maybe he will listen to professionals' advice since it will be objective. If he refuses, you can be honest that your bitterness is affecting your feelings and you fear the consequences of that. Make sure that is said when someone else is babysitting your child, and when you're not in an extreme state of anger. When you're as mellow as possible for this conversation, he'll know you're serious and not speaking flippantly out of anger.

[Coily]

That's quite the conundrum.

Would it be possible for you all to switch houses? Are his parents paying anything in the way of rent/mortgage/upkeep on the house?

I would say proceed with caution in general, but don't start with an eye to the door so to speak. While on one hand it seems that there is a bit of envy that about the differences in housing situation. I can understand it, there is a reasonable solution; but it's not a solution that is going to have logic involved. (Especially as the mother-in-law seems to be a horder). Thier Hording maks it very very difficult for them to see space as a concern.

How is the marriage otherwise? Are there other things that are causing friction between you and your husband, and this topic makes it easier to focus on? Could you stand up to your mother the way you want your husband to stand up to his? (I personally think once a pair is wed the inlaws take a far back seat, easy to say, difficult to live)

 

 

[Helpless-homelife]

8 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I don't get what you want. Do you want to switch houses? Do his parents pay rent to him? How much did he pay for the house? How old are his parents? Do you want both houses sold so you two can afford to buy a bigger house and that his parents can maybe rent a small place?

Whatever the case, in your shoes, I'd ask him to attend a marriage counselor with you, plus attend a session with a financial advisor with you. Maybe he will listen to professionals' advice since it will be objective. If he refuses, you can be honest that your bitterness is affecting your feelings and you fear the consequences of that. Make sure that is said when someone else is babysitting your child, and when you're not in an extreme state of anger. When you're as mellow as possible for this conversation, he'll know you're serious and not speaking flippantly out of anger.

Honestly, I don't know what I want... I want us to be able to live in a house that suits us better but I also don't want to kick his parents into the street. His dad is 70 and his mum is 65. They don't pay rent, but his business covers their mortgage. My wage covers our house and he also contributes. 

Thank you for your thoughts on a  counsellor, it may be a first step we need to take. 

 

 

 

[Helpless-homelife]

9 minutes ago, Coily said:

That's quite the conundrum.

Would it be possible for you all to switch houses? Are his parents paying anything in the way of rent/mortgage/upkeep on the house?

I would say proceed with caution in general, but don't start with an eye to the door so to speak. While on one hand it seems that there is a bit of envy that about the differences in housing situation. I can understand it, there is a reasonable solution; but it's not a solution that is going to have logic involved. (Especially as the mother-in-law seems to be a horder). Thier Hording maks it very very difficult for them to see space as a concern.

How is the marriage otherwise? Are there other things that are causing friction between you and your husband, and this topic makes it easier to focus on? Could you stand up to your mother the way you want your husband to stand up to his? (I personally think once a pair is wed the inlaws take a far back seat, easy to say, difficult to live)

 

 

Switching houses seems like the obvious thing to me but his mother doesn't seem to even consider the idea. 

Our marriage is fine I guess, we live fairly independently but I'm starting to think that not the great situation that I always convinced myself it was. 

[Coily]

7 minutes ago, Helpless-homelife said:

Switching houses seems like the obvious thing to me but his mother doesn't seem to even consider the idea. 

Our marriage is fine I guess, we live fairly independently but I'm starting to think that not the great situation that I always convinced myself it was. 

How long have they lived there? Moving from a home that that have spent decades in is a gargantuan task for some. I would encourage you to follow Adrianas advice and find good ways of broaching this idea first with your husband and let him think on it for a while. A time table will only push things into a negative direction, so I would encourage you to be patient.

To be blunt, you could be misinterpreted as grasping for a bigger house. I don't think that's the case, but take that into consideration while having these discussions, as people will just jump to the worst conclusions too often.

Marriage counseling will help with this communication barrier.

[catfeeder]

Have you raised the switch idea to him, or are you assuming that he would not be open to the idea?

[Helpless-homelife]

2 minutes ago, Coily said:

How long have they lived there? Moving from a home that that have spent decades in is a gargantuan task for some. I would encourage you to follow Adrianas advice and find good ways of broaching this idea first with your husband and let him think on it for a while. A time table will only push things into a negative direction, so I would encourage you to be patient.

To be blunt, you could be misinterpreted as grasping for a bigger house. I don't think that's the case, but take that into consideration while having these discussions, as people will just jump to the worst conclusions too often.

Marriage counseling will help with this communication barrier.

They've lived there 30+ years, raised their kids there etc. I can see why they are attached to the house and I don't begrudge that. It would be a massive task to move! 

I can see why that impression could be made. I don't want to be the big bad daughter in law. But i feel like his mum and dad just don't see the situation from our perspective at all 

[Helpless-homelife]

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Have you raised the switch idea to him, or are you assuming that he would not be open to the idea?

I've raised the switch idea and my husband just says that we can live in this house until his parents are ready to leave. Then starts into "people have been raised with less" etc... which 100% they have but my husband and I have good jobs and if he hadn't bought their house we wouldn't be in this situation at all 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Helpless-homelife said:

. It would be a massive task to move! 

Sorry this is happening. Agree that switching houses is not the solution especially with hoarders. 

It's understandable you would like a home to accommodate your growing family. Please consider discussing things with your financial planner CPA, bankers and definitely a licensed qualified marriage therapist.

There are much better solutions than moving into a hoarders house, which sounds like a nightmare. 

[Coily]

8 minutes ago, Helpless-homelife said:

They've lived there 30+ years, raised their kids there etc. I can see why they are attached to the house and I don't begrudge that. It would be a massive task to move! 

I can see why that impression could be made. I don't want to be the big bad daughter in law. But i feel like his mum and dad just don't see the situation from our perspective at all 

They don't, I can almost be certain of that. However getting your husband in the same mindset, working as a team, there may be ways of letting them think it's their idea. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, so think of this like a long chess game.

Given my limited understanding of UK housing right now, I can appreciate that things are complex, and it won't be easy to just get a bigger place. sometimes we Yanks forget that housing isn't as easy to get across the pond.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Helpless-homelife said:

 His dad is 70 and his mum is 65. They don't pay rent, but his business covers their mortgage. 

Please Google "Diogenes syndrome". Please enlist the help of the appropriate professionals as well as their physicians. To be honest, they would be much better off downsizing perhaps to a senior community. Unfortunately your husband is being stubborn about it but please drop the idea of switching houses and please try to get them into some sort of appropriate senior community. 

[Batya33]

I was raised in a 2 bedroom 1.5 bath apartment -shared a room with my older sister for 13 years.  We now live in a 2 bedroom/2 full bath apartment with our one child who is 15.  Lived here for almost 15 years lived in a one bedroom apartment prior.  We can afford a house no problem.  What's the space issue with a 3 bedroom home? (we also mostly telework) -are you planning soon on more children (we are not).  I totally get it would be nice to have more space but not getting how intensely you feel about it.  I agree with the marriage counseling idea.

[boltnrun]

I would definitely want more space. 

Can you sell your current home and buy a larger one?

I also think @Andrina's advice is excellent.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I would definitely want more space. 

Can you sell your current home and buy a larger one?

I also think @Andrina's advice is excellent.

Totally fine that she wants it and likely he does too just to me was expressed more like a need. I know many families who raise kids in 2 bedroom apartments and enjoy living in their spaces. And others who have 5 bedroom homes and 2 kids and like the OP wrote don’t have space because of home office and or lots of stuff. 

[itsallgrand]

Did he purchase their house before or after you got married? Trying to understand if it was a team decision.

[Helpless-homelife]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Agree that switching houses is not the solution especially with hoarders. 

It's understandable you would like a home to accommodate your growing family. Please consider discussing things with your financial planner CPA, bankers and definitely a licensed qualified marriage therapist.

There are much better solutions than moving into a hoarders house, which sounds like a nightmare. 

Thank you!! 

[Helpless-homelife]

5 hours ago, Coily said:

They don't, I can almost be certain of that. However getting your husband in the same mindset, working as a team, there may be ways of letting them think it's their idea. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, so think of this like a long chess game.

Given my limited understanding of UK housing right now, I can appreciate that things are complex, and it won't be easy to just get a bigger place. sometimes we Yanks forget that housing isn't as easy to get across the pond.

Thank you!! 

[Helpless-homelife]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please Google "Diogenes syndrome". Please enlist the help of the appropriate professionals as well as their physicians. To be honest, they would be much better off downsizing perhaps to a senior community. Unfortunately your husband is being stubborn about it but please drop the idea of switching houses and please try to get them into some sort of appropriate senior community. 

Good advice but much much easier said than done lol. I think I'm going to have to have a big conversation with my husband! 

[Helpless-homelife]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I was raised in a 2 bedroom 1.5 bath apartment -shared a room with my older sister for 13 years.  We now live in a 2 bedroom/2 full bath apartment with our one child who is 15.  Lived here for almost 15 years lived in a one bedroom apartment prior.  We can afford a house no problem.  What's the space issue with a 3 bedroom home? (we also mostly telework) -are you planning soon on more children (we are not).  I totally get it would be nice to have more space but not getting how intensely you feel about it.  I agree with the marriage counseling idea.

As I said somewhere else, it's more that we are stuck in a situation when we could afford another house had his parents house not needed to be purchased. 

 

I use one bedroom as an office as I work from home and also rum the books of his business from there. We would also like more children although I'm holding off on that for now. 

[Helpless-homelife]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I would definitely want more space. 

Can you sell your current home and buy a larger one?

I also think @Andrina's advice is excellent.

The house we live in is under my name so the mortgage is based on my wages, due to having a child now we can't borrow anymore money. Our house is worth more than we bought it for but the profits wouldn't get us more space in the area we live in 

[Helpless-homelife]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Did he purchase their house before or after you got married? Trying to understand if it was a team decision.

His parents financial situation happened before we got together 9 years ago. He told me early on in our relationship what he was going to do and to be honest, I don't think I really considered the ramifications it would have for us at 20 years old. 

Now we are down the line and the implications of that decision are biting us in the ass. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Helpless-homelife said:

As I said somewhere else, it's more that we are stuck in a situation when we could afford another house had his parents house not needed to be purchased. 

 

I use one bedroom as an office as I work from home and also rum the books of his business from there. We would also like more children although I'm holding off on that for now. 

So part of this is you feeling frustrated because you both would have purchased another house had he not assisted his parents in this way. I accepted and knew about certain sacrifices I'd have to make 3 years before we married.  They are hard. And they include my inlaws house (although that I wasn't as aware of -my in laws are deceased, the home is out of state). I do a lot of self-talk and remind myself I agreed to this.  If you feel you actually didn't agree to the extent of this that is different!

[Helpless-homelife]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So part of this is you feeling frustrated because you both would have purchased another house had he not assisted his parents in this way. I accepted and knew about certain sacrifices I'd have to make 3 years before we married.  They are hard. And they include my inlaws house (although that I wasn't as aware of -my in laws are deceased, the home is out of state). I do a lot of self-talk and remind myself I agreed to this.  If you feel you actually didn't agree to the extent of this that is different!

It's the frustration that is getting to us. We're stuck, but you're right. We did agree to this. Adding to the frustration there is a clear solution but it doesn't appear to be an option 

[smackie9]

 

Men don't like handle situations like this...in fact they would do the easiest thing and for him it was to take over the mortgage instead of dealing with the real issue...the very reason why they are in such debt. He should sign himself up to be executor of their estate, and take full charge of their money, and other needs. Get his mother into therapy for her OCD. He seriously needs to address this. His mother's illness is the root of all of this. Switching houses is not the cure.