Am I being fair?

[Noname84]

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 2 years and he moved in 6 months ago. He has 4 children who are all secondary and college age. He has been paying his wages to his soon to be ex wife and he has barely anything for us. He cannot contribute fully to bills even though I have said that he doesn’t need to contribute to the mortgage as his name isn’t on it but the offer of some help would be good and fair. He also has no money for the month which leave me paying for most things. I earn a good wage and explained to him that I can be patient until he sorts his finances. She is claiming universal credit and she will have enough to cover pretty much what he is covering for her. She didn’t tell him and still took his money. I questioned this and he is now angry at me rather than her. He said he will give her the respect to talk to her before withholding all his wage. He told me that even though this is the case he will pay the mortgage for her as well as maintenance. My argument is that, she is receiving benefits to cover that and he now could just pay maintenance. But he won’t have it. So, he cannot pay towards bills fully in the house he lives In or have money for the month. He says he has 100 a week but recently he has been spending that on the kids. Again, I wouldn’t have a problem if he wasn’t already giving the rest of his wage 2000 to his ex wife to support the kids. So leave us with nothing from him. He also recently was medically cleared to drive and I spent the time and money with him using my car to practice and paying all the fuel. On top of this for 6 months I was dropping him to see his children 2 evenings a week and picking him up at 9 and also the day at the weekend. He didn’t see that this impacted on me financially and also my time with my kids. His ex doesn’t work as 2 children are home schooled but he won’t ask her to try and support herself as she apparently can’t work as can’t leave the house. The children are 12 and 14. He won’t see that she could work from home as he said he feels she should not do any job but one to use her skills. He also said he won’t challenge things because she will cause arguments which will impact the kids as she is volatile and he has to think of her mental health! I work full time in a pressurised job; I have a physical health condition and cutting my hours down would help. Also I have 2 children with their own needs but manage to work and juggle their appointments etc. It’s hard but I do it as I have no choice. I can’t even question him about this as he gets angry and then tells me in causing arguments all the time and I’m nasty because I won’t allow this to continue. Moreover, his children who are secondary age and college age won’t integrate I to our lives and he has to go to his exes house to spend the day and evenings to see them. I get this is the right thing as they are his children after all but they often cancel which possibly his ex is not helping the situation. I think she is turning them against him and he is a fantastic dad. He won’t see how this is not fair on me and my children as I’m picking up the financial burden constantly and having to always go along with his and her decisions. He is blaming me and tells me I am jealous and that I am going to put his kids into poverty! I feel like he is gaslighting me and he is happy to argue with me and keep information from me and not allow me to have a say. Am I being unfair or am I being taken for a ride? I want to know whether I have a point or if I’m in the wrong like he blames me.

[Batya33]

What was the purpose of moving in together? 

[smackie9]

Why are you even dating someone who is in this situation? I wouldn't let him live in my house...no way. He's taking money away from you and your kids supporting his a$$. Makes me wonder if the two of them are in this together...he found a sucker to cover costs. Sounds like a scam.

[Noname84]

We moved in together as we were ‘dating’ for a year and a half and it seemed like the most logical step and also managed the already difficult situation. I’ve known him for years and he is a genuinely nice guy and I think he is scared that she will turn him against the kids. He has no relationship to his ex as they don’t talk or be in the same room most of the time. I genuinely think it’s out of worry but at the same time this isn’t right. He doesn’t see that if he paid his maintenance and then he would have money to treat them on top and be more secure with me. He thinks I’m asking for him to give bare minimum and doesn’t see that we can’t go on like this. 

[smackie9]

Well give him an ultimatum. He can move back in when his kids no longer need his support.

[Noname84]

I did and he won’t do that as he basically lived on the lounge floor there for years and didn’t have a life there. I just wondered if I was being fair and whether he is actually wrong doing me as when we get in the argument about it he basically blames me and makes me feel bad about it by calling me jealous and tell me that I’m trying to leave his kids with nothing. In fact I want us to be able to treat his kids but we can’t when he is now planning on giving 500 for maintenance pay another 500 for mortgage there and then keep 400 by for the kids. That leave us with not much after that. He said he is legally bound to pay the mortgage which in theory is correct but he doesn’t live there and she is going to get the money from the government. He also said he is handing over the house! So why would he keep paying. I did say that if they need more then as she is the other parent then she will need to work for it and provide. Just like I do for mine.

[smackie9]

I would end this relationship...that's just me tho. He's using you IMO.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Noname84 said:

We moved in together as we were ‘dating’ for a year and a half and it seemed like the most logical step and also managed the already difficult situation. I’ve known him for years and he is a genuinely nice guy and I think he is scared that she will turn him against the kids. He has no relationship to his ex as they don’t talk or be in the same room most of the time. I genuinely think it’s out of worry but at the same time this isn’t right. He doesn’t see that if he paid his maintenance and then he would have money to treat them on top and be more secure with me. He thinks I’m asking for him to give bare minimum and doesn’t see that we can’t go on like this. 

Why is it a next step? Are you going to marry ? ( I never lived with anyone before marriage and can't relate to it being some sort of step unless it's somehow furthering an emotional bond by sharing living space??)

[Noname84]

Also my job is at risk due to company restructure which makes this more important and he told me that he can’t support me! I said I wouldn’t expect him to fully support me but at least I could rely on him a little until I’m sorted. He basically said “you will be fine” and that when he nearly lost his job he found another and that’s what I would have to do. 
 

i told him that I am feeling used and then he tried to tell me he has been spending 90£ a week on me! I have not seen this. For example at Christmas he expected me to almost off set his contribution because he spend x amount of me. I did say that he shouldn’t have to choose to either buy me a gift or contributez

[Noname84]

Marriage! Jeez he won’t even get divorced!

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, Noname84 said:

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 2 years and he moved in 6 months ago.  He has been paying his wages to his soon to be ex wife

Soon to be ex-wife?  

So he's still married?  When did they separate?  Don't tell me, six months ago when he moved out and moved in with you?  

If not, did he ever live alone prior to moving in with you?

If you would clarify, something sounds very fishy about this entire situation...

 

[smackie9]

3 minutes ago, Noname84 said:

Marriage! Jeez he won’t even get divorced!

Then why are you even with him.....there is no future with this guy. Send him back to his ex. And yes he is gaslighting you. Get him legally removed from your house.

[smackie9]

So if she can get government support because he no longer lives there, and he keeps paying fully for everything like he is living there.....doesn't that say scam to you? That she will be collecting all this money? And that they are still married? He will be entitled to it too....plus he can claim this support on his taxes and get money back.

[Noname84]

Thank you for the responses so far. They separated 3 years ago and he lived a very separate life but in a different room in the house. I know it isn’t a scam but I just don’t like being taken for a ride as I’ve been so patient. He seems to think that this is what happens when guys separate and I’ve told him time over that it is not and no one would put up with this but he seems to think I’m unreasonable. 

[Wiseman2]

Please ask him to move out ASAP. Please spend your money time and energy wisely on yourself and your children. There is no reason to house this mooch. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Noname84 said:

They separated 3 years ago and he lived a very separate life but in a different room in the house.

I take it this is what HE told you?  I'm assuming it was, what a load of *.

Of course it's what he told you, would you have wanted to continue having sex with him had he told you they were still living together as husband and wife?  

I'm sorry I know you're hurting, you're finally waking up from the dream.

2 hours ago, Noname84 said:

I know it isn’t a scam but I just don’t like being taken for a ride...

Which is exactly what's happening from my objective perspective.

Don't ask, tell him to move out asap.  I know it's hard, but you must be strong for yourself and your kids!  

There is nothing good or positive about any of this.

[Andrina]

I imagine early on how he was nice as you were his emotional escape and it was fun for him to have intimacy with a new partner. Without you, he can never afford a place of his own and so it seems he dated someone he knew could provide what he sought.

Neither of you had very much foresight. How you thought anyone with four kids could ever contribute a fair amount is unrealistic. And he lacked the foresight to know how the unfairness would create animosity on your end.

Do yourself a favor in the future and don't date someone you're hoping will get his crap together one day. Date someone who is presently showing everything you want--not what his potential is.

You also dated someone who wasn't even divorced, even if he claimed to be mentally done with her. A mature person doesn't start a new relationship before ending the one he's in, including legally. 

The mere fact that he's calling you nasty, which is verbal abuse, is enough to call this quits this second. You're teaching your children, even if you don't think they are observing this toxicity (they are), that this is normal and they might repeat a pattern of choosing and staying with an abusive partner themselves when they are adults. How will you feel when you see what you taught them comes to fruition?

 

[SooSad33]

Yah, I wonder WHY you are having some guy - who is still in such a mess and not yet even divorced with an ex and kids to still care for, move in after 1.5 yrs together?

IMO, his business re: his family is none of yours.  It is up to them to figure out ( as you said he's upset with you now) . Prolly due to the stress now from both sides?  😕 

I've dated guys for up to 5 yrs before I'd even consider moving in together.

And knowing all you do ( his expenses), was it maybe best to wait a while longer? IMO, you chose to act on this and now you're stuck.  When you should have thought harder & longer on this before letting him move in, cause now you see the mess - he can't afford much, no.

Did you do it to ease HIS burdens?  

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Noname84 said:

 he moved in 6 months ago.  He has been paying his wages to his soon to be ex wife and he has barely anything for us. 

Where did he live before? No, you're not being fair to your children. Yes he has to pay whatever child support, alimony etc their separation agreement stipulates. 

But because he's not contributing to living in your house, you are essentially supporting his wife and children at the expense of your own family. 

Please ask him to move back to wherever he was ASAP.  Your children deserve much better than some bum hanging around. 

[catfeeder]

I would stop making this a problem for HIM to solve, and I’d make it my own to solve. He can go live whenever he wants, but not with me. If he opts to change his financial issues and can contribute a reasonable percentage of expenses to my household, I’ll consider revisiting this decision, but until then it stands. MY problem is now resolved.

[Kwothe28]

Are you sure that he doesnt scams you? In a way that he doesnt even pays to his ex wife? 

Whole situation sounds way too messy. And way too suspicious. Its not something you should strive on, especially when you have your own income. If you are going to live together, he needs to pay for his half. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Are you sure that he doesnt scams you? In a way that he doesnt even pays to his ex wife? 

Whole situation sounds way too messy. And way too suspicious. Its not something you should strive on, especially when you have your own income. If you are going to live together, he needs to pay for his half. 

I agree. Living with a married father who's mooching off of you -why is that at all appealing?

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree. Living with a married father who's mooching off of you -why is that at all appealing?

Yeah, and he’s even mean about it, like you owe him peaceful mooching. That’s someone pretty confident that you don’t have the spine to kick him to the curb. I’d correct that assumption by giving him the heave-ho. He’s not going to change—you’re his gravy train.

[Jaunty]

This situation is not resolvable especially while he is living in your home.   I have no idea why you want to be in this relationship - but please at least stop trying to support him and his kids as well as yourself and your own.   

[tattoobunnie]

On 2/25/2024 at 12:53 PM, Noname84 said:

I think he is scared that she will turn him against the kids

Not your problem.  You're his sugar momma financing the roof over his head, as he dedicates his life and money to his WIFE and kids.  Time to part ways.