Meeting my half sister for the first time

[Raddu]

The subject is pretty complicated so here goes.

My dad raped some women in Poland in his youth and then ran back to Romania when I was born to my mother, who was in a consensual relationship with her.

 

So a few months ago I got in contact with what would be my half sister from a woman he raped and we decided to meet. We didn't run a DNA test or anything, but based on what my father and her mother said, we are quite sure we are related.

 

Next week we will meet, we are both 32 years old (she is a month older) and we will meet in Romania since she will come visit here. I am romanian and she is polish as I said.

 

My question would be, what do I say? While we did talk about alot of stuff online, somehow it feels much more serious now that we meet in person.

 

I know she said that what my dad did to her mom was horrible, but I was thinking that without that she wouldn't exist.

 

Should I bring it up, either that or my dad situation, but she will probably wanna talk about it.

Maybe just focus on what we've been doing?

 

I'm way more nervous than I should be, but I want to make a good impression.

Got any advice for me?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Raddu said:

I know she said that what my dad did to her mom was horrible, but I was thinking that without that she wouldn't exist.

All you can do is see what happens. Over the counter DNA testing is very popular and readily available. 

Please under no circumstances tell her that she's  lucky her mother was raped by your father. 

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, Raddu said:

I know she said that what my dad did to her mom was horrible, but I was thinking that without that she wouldn't exist.

Whatever you do, do not say this. Don't even go there with her. 

26 minutes ago, Raddu said:

Maybe just focus on what we've been doing?

This is a much better idea. You can chat about where you're both at in life, your hobbies, your jobs and the like. You are essentially meeting a stranger so neutral subjects are best for now. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

On 2/25/2024 at 5:00 AM, Raddu said:

I'm way more nervous than I should be, but I want to make a good impression.

Got any advice for me?

My hubs met his two half sisters he never knew about before when he was 27.  One looks like the female version of him, and the other is just like him.  They dote on our kids so much!  Honestly, like meeting a new friend, you talk about their current life, favorite movies, music, what they like to do for fun, favorite food, places traveled to, what they do for work.  No need to bring up the dad; only if she asks.  Bring treats like food you can't get any where else, or a lucky charm or knick-knack.

[Coily]

No need to bring up the rape topic, but you can mention how happy you are to meet her.

You all will have a lot to talk about some fun and some probably on the darker side of your lives. That's okay, but let her guide the conversation.

[catfeeder]

On 2/25/2024 at 5:00 AM, Raddu said:

Should I bring it up, either that or my dad situation, but she will probably wanna talk about it.

Maybe just focus on what we've been doing?

Since she's the one with the less fortunate circumstances, it's best to defer to her to lead any conversation there if she wants to. Should she do so, I'd keep my mouth shut and listen. Any attempt to make her feel better is likely to backfire and make you appear tone-deaf. So don't comment on her views about her circumstances or your shared father beyond, "I'm so sorry to hear that."

[Lambert]

I would not bring up the dad or any opinions or judgments on his behavior. You are not responsible for the actions of your father.  You don't need to defend or justify his behavior.

I would also be careful to not promote the idea or ideas that your dad is some great guy to you and or she is lucky to be alive. 

As I gathered from your post, this is a delicate situation. If she asks you questions about your father or brings him up, let her talk and just listen. I think it would be OK to respond  that you are not sure what to say as you are excited to have a sister and that's what you are focusing on.