My partner has mental health issues

[Saza]

I'm divorced with children, and am engaged to my partner of 3 years. We live together with our children as a blended family. 

When we met, he was transparent about his mental health issues. There had been a lot of drama with his ex wife around this issue, and tension with his family as well. From what I heard from his family, he would get into a manic state and become increasingly difficult to be around. On numerous occasions this would end in some sort of drama and often hospitalization. Psychiatrist diagnosed him with different things over the 20 years this has been happening from bi-polar to borderline personality disorder. 

When we met, he explained in details what he was doing to address his mental health. He was being followed by a psychiatrist, doing therapy, taking medication. He was also doing group therapy for anger management as this is an issue when he's in a manic state. He was separated about one year at that point, and his mental health issues were the cause of his separation. He had a lot of regret and shame around that and was motivated to not let that happen again in a new relationship. 

Since we are together, his mental health flaired up a few times. We definitely had some difficult times because of that as he becomes very critical of me and others, inflexible and agressive when he's in that state. In the past, he snapped out of it eventually, and we have been able to have good conversations about it.

His mental health issues usually flair up due to anxiety and stress. In August, in the midst of a nasty bit of his custody battle, he had another manic episode. This one was quite bad. We discussed at lenght once it was over, and he agreed to take anti anxiety medication to help manage his stress. Last week, he suddenly went into a psychosis because the medication he was taking apparently can cause psychosis in people who are bi-polar. It was a very difficult situation to manage. I had to cancel his weekend with the kids and he was furious because he knew that his ex-wife would milk this for her custody battle (she did - he had to do an emergency Motion to get access back). 

I get that this is not his fault, and that he is trying to manage his mental health. He has tried multiple different medication since I've know him, done group therapy, individual therapy, tried to keep his stress down, but none of it has been a miracle solution. I know that he doesn't want to be the person that he becomes when he's in one of those states, but it is nonetheless difficult to manage. He's gotten aggressive with me in a way that was very uncomfortable. Last week, while he was in his psychosis, I moved to my mother's for a few days as I was feeling really stressed about his aggressive and difficult behaviour. He's pushed away many people in his life because of it. He has a lot of saddness and regret over this, and the consequences of his mental health issues cause him further anxiety. 

I sympathize with him, and have been very supportive and trying to help him. I managed to help him repair some of his family relationships and he (and his family) are truly grateful for these efforts. And when he's well, he is the most extraordinary partner one could have. He's a very good, caring and compassionate person. He doesn't take me for granted, and is very appreciative of me and what I'm added to his life. He's also a great step-father to my children, and gets along with my family. I truly love him and want to be with him. That being said, I do find it hard. We're planning on getting married, and I guess I'm having a bit of cold feet? I keep thinking: is this the rest of my life? Can I handle having to put up with manic episodes and driving him to ER on potentially a regular basis? Is this a price I'm willing to pay to be with him? My family and friends are a bit concerned. 

I don't know if anyone is or has been in a similar situation. I would love to hear from other who have been through something like this. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Saza said:

 My family and friends are a bit concerned.

Sorry this is happening. Please listen to your friends and family. Please take care of yourself and your children and get into a stable situation. It's unfair to subject your children to this.

 Unfortunately he needs a psychiatrist, not a relationship. 

[Saza]

@Wiseman2 he has a psychiatrist. 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Saza said:

@Wiseman2 he has a psychiatrist. 

That's even scarier. Please get yourself and your children in a safe stable environment. 

[Seraphim]

I am sorry , my father was bipolar and they NEED NEED NEED NEED to be medication compliant and going to therapy . If he is having manic episodes his medication doesn’t work or he isn’t taking it . My dad was a master at hiding non medication compliance. He isn’t taking his meds like he should or it is the wrong one. 

[smackie9]

Yes this will be forever, and yes it will get worse as he gets older. How do I know? My mother is manic/bipolar, OCD, narcissistic personality. She's in her late 80's, I am almost 60 so I have seen/been through so much with her let me tell ya. I have seen the way she treats her partner too, and she's bloody mean no matter what. She's on multiple medications, sees a doctor regularly etc. It doesn't stabilize for nothing. You have to live from moment to moment. You will forever walk upon eggshells. That is no way to live. Your kids will suffer from it, like I did. It's an environment I wouldn't wish anyone to live in. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, smackie9 said:

Yes this will be forever, and yes it will get worse as he gets older. How do I know? My mother is manic/bipolar, OCD, narcissistic personality. She's in her late 80's, I am almost 60 so I have seen/been through so much with her let me tell ya. I have seen the way she treats her partner too, and she's bloody mean no matter what. She's on multiple medications, sees a doctor regularly etc. It doesn't stabilize for nothing. You have to live from moment to moment. You will forever walk upon eggshells. That is no way to live. Your kids will suffer from it, like I did. It's an environment I wouldn't wish anyone to live in. 

My father got worse and worse as he aged as well and got increasingly incredibly paranoid and lacking reality . He was abusive and mean his entire life . 

[Saza]

@smackie9 @Seraphim  thank you for these honest replies. I am honestly really thorn because he isn't always like that. In fact, 80% of the time he's not like that, and in those moments he is the best partner that I ever had. But when he's in this state, he is very demanding, easily irritated, paranoid, controlling. When he's out of it, he has a lot of shame. He knows that he hurts others. I want to believe that treatment is possible but be realistic at the same time. 

We have built a quite nice life together and our kids LOVE each other. It's like the best and the worst all at once!

[smackie9]

Sorry but what you see is what you are going to keep getting. 

[Seraphim]

This will be your life forever if you choose to stay. It is the nature of the illness. It is sad for the sufferers and those around them. I have PTSD from living with my dad and horrific memories I will never forget until I die . I have a memory that is 53 years old and I am 57 and I will never forget it . 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Saza said:

our kids LOVE each other. It's like the best and the worst all at once!

Unfortunately they have no choice. However you do. You seem determined to be on this bipolar rollercoaster with him, but you can protect yourself, your children and your finances somewhat by not getting legally married. 

[Saza]

@Wiseman2 I definitely have second thoughts about marriage, or at least, pooling all our assets together. I have significant assets from my family, and the whole manic thing makes me very concerned. At this point, if I choose to stay, I would only do so if we had a prenup at the very least. 

@smackie9 @Seraphim  My partner has been under extreme stress since I've know him given the difficulty of the divorce and custody battle. He is very close to having this all finalized (a few months away). Since has mostly been the trigger in his life, wouldn't a lifestyle that manages stress make him more stable?

[Seraphim]

My dad always created stress and drama for everyone 100% of the time . So I have no idea. My mom left him like 5 times and eventually for good about 34 years ago. My dad is passed away now . 

[boltnrun]

If this man was a complete stranger, would you allow him around your children when he's acting out? If you saw a man acting like that out in public would you walk your children toward him or away from him?

[Capricorn3]

All I know is that if I was in this situation, I would put my children first.  THEY are the ones who will grow up witnessing this toxic mess and THEY are the ones who will end up with all sorts of anxiety disorders.  Your children do NOT deserve this, and you, as their mother, have a responsibility to make sure they grow up in a happy and stable environment.  YOU are responsible for their well being.  Boyfriends can come and go, but your children are forever.  You owe them a stable life, and right now, this is not it.

Do the right thing for your children. The big question is: Will you?  If not, why not?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Saza said:

 We live together with our children as a blended family.  He was also doing group therapy for anger management as this is an issue when he's in a manic stat. he becomes very  aggressive when he's in that state. . Last week, while he was in his psychosis, I moved to my mother's for a few days as I was feeling really stressed about his aggressive and difficult behaviour. 

Is it his house? Hopefully you and your children can move somewhere safe.

I'm sorry but it's hard to believe you are voluntarily subjecting your children to this violence and unstable environment.

I do hope his children's mother obtains full custody with only supervised visitation. She's not "causing his stress" his mental illness is. She is smart to try to protect her children. 

[Capricorn3]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I'm sorry but it's hard to believe you are voluntary subjecting your children to this violence and unstable environment.

^ I struggling to understand this too.  I just don't get what the attraction is to such a toxic "relationship" and having my children witness such dysfunction? It really is hard to believe.

[Saza]

@Capricorn3 I stayed this long for multiple reasons. 
 

1- he’s truly an amazing partner 80% of the time and I really love him 

2- he’s also a great step father. He’s never done any harm to my children and they never witnessed any of his mania 

3- he is aware of his mental health issues and has been working on it. He really wants to overcome this

4- he’s fundamentally a good person 

But it has taken a toll on me. It is difficult 

[boltnrun]

Your children have NEVER witnessed ANY of his episodes? Not once?

How is it that he's able to hold it together in front of your kids but not in front of you?

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Saza said:

Last week, while he was in his psychosis, I moved to my mother's for a few days

Where were your children? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Saza said:

. an amazing partner 80% of the time   He really wants to overcome this But it has taken a toll on me. 

It's not about whether he wants to overcome his mental health issues or whether he is a good person. It's about the toll it's taking on you and your children. 

[LootieTootie]

2 hours ago, Saza said:

@Capricorn3 I stayed this long for multiple reasons. 
 

1- he’s truly an amazing partner 80% of the time and I really love him 

2- he’s also a great step father. He’s never done any harm to my children and they never witnessed any of his mania 

3- he is aware of his mental health issues and has been working on it. He really wants to overcome this

4- he’s fundamentally a good person 

But it has taken a toll on me. It is difficult 

These are not reasons to hold on - you have to ask yourself what is he doing actively to recognize early signs and what treatments are he doing. If he isn't doing anything but think about it, then bow out because your kids don't need to be around this instability.

This is coming from a woman whose husband is bipolar. Bipolar runs in my husband's gene pool and so he has always been keen on his medication, his exercise, sleep and diet. It's an every day maintenance thing and even that, he can still get episodes. If I had it my way, I think he should do counseling too. 

Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for your children.

 

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, this man hasn't been able to manage this problem in 20 years. Marrying him won't fix him, and it could take you and your children down emotionally, financially, and possibly physically. Love is not enough.

[Capricorn3]

20 hours ago, Saza said:

@Capricorn3 I stayed this long for multiple reasons. 
But it has taken a toll on me. It is difficult 

If it is difficult for you and has taken a toll on you, imagine how bad it must be for children?  For them it's a hundred fold worse than it is for you.  That alone should make you rethink this toxic relationship.  You are responsible for your children's well being, they come first, but yet you choose this man and this unhealthy situation instead.  Something wrong with that, don't you think?

[Saza]

On 2/17/2024 at 1:17 AM, LootieTootie said:

These are not reasons to hold on - you have to ask yourself what is he doing actively to recognize early signs and what treatments are he doing. If he isn't doing anything but think about it, then bow out because your kids don't need to be around this instability.

This is coming from a woman whose husband is bipolar. Bipolar runs in my husband's gene pool and so he has always been keen on his medication, his exercise, sleep and diet. It's an every day maintenance thing and even that, he can still get episodes. If I had it my way, I think he should do counseling too. 

Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for your children.

 

I appreciate this input. We actually discussed this just the other day. I told him that I thought that the things he’d been doing so far were not sufficient and that if he wants me to stay in this relationship I will need to see him try other things as well. I left it open for him to fill something in and he acknowledged how hard the mood swings are on me. He said he’s never tried cognitive therapy but would be willing to try. A guy in his therapy group was recently telling him what a difference that has made in his life. The guy has been doing it over 2 years now weekly.  He also proposed to work on some lifestyle changes. He’s a workaholic which has an impact on his routine from a meal and sleep perspective  we discussed him either looking for a less demanding job or working for himself (he’s a software engineer) to have more control over his schedule. I told him how hard this has been on me and he acknowledges her difficultly and admits that there is more that the could do. He’s made it very clear that he wants to stay in this relationship long term and is willing to put in the work to make it successful. 

@MissCanuck kids came with me to my mother’s. They had a great weekend with their grandma and were pretty unaware of the situation. They did know he was in the hospital and were eager to visit (they did and made him sweet cards)  

@Capricorn3 It’s interesting that so many people mentioned the toll this has taken on my kids. The reality is that the toll has only been on me, and not on the kids. My kids ADORE him.  And they adore their step-siblings.  My kids think that him and his kids moving in with us is the best thing that ever happened to them - it’s the dream family. Me and him separating would be really difficult for them .