My partner has mental health issues

[LootieTootie]

6 hours ago, Saza said:

 

@LootieTootie I'd be curious to know what you mean when you say that your husband has mild symptoms. It seems that you clearly found a way to stay with your husband and have a succesfull relationship despite your husband's mental health issues. How did you achieve this?

 

I just want to be clear I've done nothing for my husband when it comes to his mental health. It's all been him. I don't go with him to see his psychiatrist, I don't look at his treatment plan or even know his prescriptions. I play no active role in him getting his mental health together. If I had to, I would have not been with him. He joined the military and they made him do all that before he got with me.

What I see is that he takes his medication, I see that he goes to the gym three times a week, and gets his 8 hour sleep a day (he's always stressed sleep), and if he drinks, he has a glass a wine on a weekend with dinner but thats it. So if I am doing anything... it's probably just listening to him when he has one of his episodes, which is once in a blue moon. We been together for close to 8 years. Any way, how it starts is nonstop talking about random nerdy stuff like string theory or AI or his next big plan. But it's all connected and very free flowing even if you know logically its very out of wack. Sometimes I chime in here and there but I've learned that when he is in this state, I let him talk until he exhausts himself - which takes up 2-3 hours. Part of this too is that he can be loud and he is not a loud person. I sometimes have to tell him "Honey, I'm right here" and he does bring the volume down but talk so fast that he brings the volume up again.  Thankfully he has not done this in my sleep time because I would not have the patience. 

His sister and his uncle both have auditory and visual hallucination - and the uncle actually will have suicide tendencies. They both have been admitted to numerous hospitals. Thats why I said his is mild compared to theirs, where he doesn't have that and he is actually aware when he starts having an episode. The other siblings and mom's are not as severe as sister and uncle but they go thru depression and their highs are a mixed bag (feeling unstoppable, overly flirting when they have a partner, gambling, blowing up people's phones, getting irritated over nothing but not being upset/bothered about something severe). My husband always joked "aren't you happy that you got the one that just talk nonstop about Star Wars?" He also was keeping a journal for awhile when he had these episodes per his dr's order, and he said it actually helped him see early signs of an onset. One of those onsets is stress. If he feels under immense pressure by demanding bosses or pressure to be the peacemaker between loved ones, he would be unable to sleep and then start getting irrational self-negative thoughts that would spiral and then turn into his great plan to solve it all that would sound like a big budget unfeasible movie production, 90 actors and 50 moving pieces shot in 5 days. Of course he would wake up and read his journal entry and just realized how crazy it was and how much of a madman he sounded.

2 things that has helped him really is a low-key job with a good boss, and moving 3,000 miles away from his crazy family. I do there are a range when it comes to bipolar and just like autism. I also think everyone reacts differently to certain treatment so he might have to do a bit of figuring out but if he was hospitalized in the past and was really intolerable and insufferable that you had to leave your home for a few days, then its probably a lot more severe. I would have some trepidation about keeping my kids in the same household until he gets it together and show you.

[Saza]

@LootieTootie Wow! That actually does sound like my partner. When he had his manic episode in the summer, he was incessently talking. It wasn't delusional per say as when he had his psychosis, but perhaps more like unrealistic and not feasible. He had a million plans, and clearly none of these things were going to happen. 

To be honest, he's still being quite difficult at the moment. We had a couple therapy session yesterday to safely go over what happened, and he got very upset at my side of the story and walked out of the therapy session. In August, after his mania, he was also very irritable for quite a few weeks. 

[Seraphim]

If he’s walking out of therapy sessions because they don’t go his way. This isn’t going to work.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Saza said:

he's still being quite difficult at the moment. We had a couple therapy session yesterday to safely go over what happened, and he got very upset at my side of the story and walked out of the therapy session. In August, after his mania, he was also very irritable for quite a few weeks.

Omg, you may not realize, but this^^ is a BIG warning sign of potential abuse, DO NOT dismiss this or the possibility.

I invite you to read my thread in the "abuse" section -  The Story of Gabby Petito.

Her boyfriend (fiancé), prior to killing her and himself, had mental health issues; Gabby would encourage him to go back on his meds, but guess what?  He didn't like the way they made him feel.

His diagnosis was never fully revealed but a big warning sign was behavior just like what you described in above quote. 

In watching documentaries and reading about her story, I found myself getting so angry thinking - Gabby, why didn't you leave then?  When he'd get so angry, scream, storm off in an angry huff, at the slightest little thing.  Extremely irritable with a wicked temper.  Being "difficult."

This was before the physical abuse started and of course before he violently murdered her by strangling her.

I'm not going to judge you because in my past relationships when boyfriends and my ex-husband acted like this, I'd ignore or shuffled under the rug.  Believing I could "handle it." 

Big mistake as such behavior often escalates and if you continue with him after witnessing episodes like this, you are sending a clear message you're okay with it.

It doesn't matter "why" he's this way, mental illness, anxiety, BPD, whatever the case may be, the only thing that matters is that he IS this way. 

And it's currently NOT being managed properly or at all, especially since he's storming out of therapy sessions, not taking the proper meds and being difficult.

Do NOT dismiss this by saying "he would never hit me or hurt me," you DON'T know that! 

You don't know what he's capable of, unless and until whatever his mental health issues (which he still doesn't know nor do you), are managed properly and he learns how to help himself!!

Please get out now, if not for yourself, for your kids! 

I truly do wish you the hest, it's not easy!  But again, think of your children.

This is NOT a good situation or environment for them to be around or in.

I'm actually afraid for you  (and them!) at this point. 

 

[boltnrun]

Please prioritize the safety of your children. It's concerning that other than a few offhand comments about how your kids "love" his kids and they don't see any of his concerning and frightening behaviors (doubtful) your focus is on how you can remain in this relationship and keep him living with you.

Sorry, but when we have kids it's no longer just about what we want. We have to put their safety and well-being first. Always. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Saza said:

 he got very upset at my side of the story and walked out of the therapy session. In August, after his mania, he was also very irritable for quite a few weeks. 

Please talk to your own therapist privately and confidentiality about the abuse, including this latest tantrum. It's remarkable this therapist isn't warning you. 

While others have managed with a mentally ill partner, please note that they are not micromanaging them or playing doctor. You are doing so much more harm than good to everyone involved in this mission to make him your project. 

[Saza]

Thank you everyone for your input. I greatly appreciate hearing everyone's stories. I don't have a lot of experience with mental health issues, and especially not in such close proximity. Hearing other people's experiences has really helped have a clearer view of the situation. It's hard to accept that someone you love and that you know loves you sometimes acts in ways that are hurtful. And it's natural, I think, to hope that this can be addressed. 

I think that at this point, I don't have very high hopes that this can be resolved or that this will improve. As such, I'm definitely leaning more towards leaving him than staying. However, I do want to discuss the situation in more dept with a therapist. I did make an appointment for this Friday. 

[MissCanuck]

If you stay, you are very likely looking at a lifetime of this behaviour from him. 

5 hours ago, Saza said:

he got very upset at my side of the story and walked out of the therapy session.

And what did the therapist have to say about this? 

[Saza]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

And what did the therapist have to say about this? 

The therapist looked concerned. He asked him if he was doing individual therapy. My partner said that he was between therapists, so our couple therapist asked him if he would agree for him to send him a few suggestions of therapists. He proposed that he see a regular AND a cognitive therapist alternating weeks. 

[MissCanuck]

No, I mean what did the therapist say after your partner stormed out? 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Saza said:

The therapist looked concerned. He asked him if he was doing individual therapy. He proposed that he see a regular AND a cognitive therapist alternating weeks. 

At least the couples therapist is aware and acknowledged that your BF is out of control and needs a lot more help.  It was a progressive way to handle things. In other words, this therapist at least sees the problem you seem to want to minimize. 

[Saza]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, I mean what did the therapist say after your partner stormed out? 

Ah! I see. Well, he actually ran after him and had a short discussion with him in the hallway and talked him into coming back. This was 30 minutes into an hour session. The rest of the session was mostly focused on discussing how my partner could get individual support. 

[Saza]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

. In other words, this therapist at least sees the problem you seem to want to minimize. 

I'm not trying to minimize anything. I posted here because I had concerns and doubts. It's easy from a bistander's perspective to say "drop everything and leave". But when you have been in a relationship with someone for some years, that you invested a lot in that person and your future together, that you love them deeply - I mean, that you said yes to marrying them! - to walk away is a heartbreaking decision to make. 

When I left my ex husband, our relationship kind of ran its course. We were trying to hold things together for the kids but didn't have much love left for each other. And although separating was obviously difficult, I felt emotionally at peace that it was the right decision. I was ready to move in. 

In the present situation, I just feel an immense heartache. I have a hard time accepting, to be honest, that he cannot change, that the situation will not improve

[boltnrun]

Perhaps focus on doing what is best for your kids. Not on how much your kids "love" his kids but on their long term well-being.

And I'm not saying completely ditch him or stop seeing him. But live separately. Yes, there are logistical things that will need to be worked out. But again, if you focus on doing what's best for your kids that should be a good motivation for getting this done. 

[Capricorn3]

33 minutes ago, Saza said:

 I have a hard time accepting, to be honest, that he cannot change, that the situation will not improve

And therein lies your biggest problem.  You're heading towards becoming another statistic (women ignoring all the warning signs).  No-one said it was going to be easy.  Of course it hurts.  Of course there's pain.  But that doesn't mean you have to choose the easy way out and simply stay on with him.

Again, your children should be your priority. Always. Their well being should always come first.  It's such a shame that you focus on your own needs first in this case.  Please talk to your therapist about this to figure out why you can't seem to let go of this, or put your children's well being first.

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, Saza said:

Ah! I see. Well, he actually ran after him and had a short discussion with him in the hallway and talked him into coming back. This was 30 minutes into an hour session. The rest of the session was mostly focused on discussing how my partner could get individual support. 

Exactly, he took the focus off his behaviour and issues and became “ poor me”. 

[LootieTootie]

10 hours ago, Saza said:

To be honest, he's still being quite difficult at the moment. We had a couple therapy session yesterday to safely go over what happened, and he got very upset at my side of the story and walked out of the therapy session. In August, after his mania, he was also very irritable for quite a few weeks. 

If last week to now he is refusing to hear your side and is still easily irritable, this isn't an ideal situation to subject you or your kids to. He needs to get reassessed soon and not be jumping from one psychiatrist to another just because he isn't hearing what he wants to hear or seeing a quick fix. He has to stick with one dr, try their prescribed treatment plan and be consistent and diligent about it before any progress shows. 

[Saza]

@boltnrun I like your suggestion a lot actually. To be honest, the housing situation isn't ideal. Although we can fit ourselves and all the kids in my house, kids need to uncomfortably share bedrooms and the older ones complain about that. The house is quite large, but a bit short on bedrooms. If I had it alone, it's a bit too expensive for my needs.  Before I met my current partner, I was actually considering selling and moving to a town house with same number of bedrooms but that would have less monthly expenses. I chose to keep it as it has nice living space for a larger family. Also, his kids' mother lives in a completely different part of the city and the kids (and him) have a big commute when they're with him on school days. Living separately would actually make a lot of sense. He could then work on his mental health and finalize his custody battle without involving me in every exhausting detail of his life. 

[boltnrun]

Living separately sounds like a good solution that would solve a lot of problems.

[Saza]

17 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

If last week to now he is refusing to hear your side and is still easily irritable, this isn't an ideal situation to subject you or your kids to. He needs to get reassessed soon and not be jumping from one psychiatrist to another just because he isn't hearing what he wants to hear or seeing a quick fix. He has to stick with one dr, try their prescribed treatment plan and be consistent and diligent about it before any progress shows. 

I totally agree. Although he has made efforts, I feel that he's not taking this situation as seriously as people in his life.