My partner has mental health issues

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, Saza said:

  It’s interesting that so many people mentioned the toll this has taken on my kids. The reality is that the toll has only been on me, and not on the kids.

Don't be too quick to believe that drama in a household doesn't affect kids or take a toll on them.  Children are extremely aware and sensitive to any changes around them and if they sense that mommy is stressed out about something, believe me, it takes a toll on them too.  They may not be able to express themselves like an adult, but they do see and understand when things are not right.

There are a number of long term members here who have lived it.  They know what it's like growing up in such situations.

[boltnrun]

Yep.  I clearly remember things in my parents' marriage that if you asked them, they would swear on a stack of Bibles that we kids knew nothing about and that we were blissfully unaware.  Wrong.

But if you want to justify staying with this man who by your own admission exhibits frightening behaviors there isn't much anyone can do to dissuade you. 

Please strongly consider family therapy for you and your kids (not including him).  Assure your kids they can be honest.  Remember, kids are conditioned to say and do what Mom wants, so they may not be as forthcoming as you imagine they would be.

My brother's kids assured him they "loved" his second wife.  The truth was the exact opposite, but they wanted to be "good" and make Dad happy, so...

[Seraphim]

25 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Don't be too quick to believe that drama in a household doesn't affect kids or take a toll on them.  Children are extremely aware and sensitive to any changes around them and if they sense that mommy is stressed out about something, believe me, it takes a toll on them too.  They may not be able to express themselves like an adult, but they do see and understand when things are not right.

There are a number of long term members here who have lived it.  They know what it's like growing up in such situations.

Yup, 💯. Kids are VERY aware. I knew all was not well when I was four years old . I knew our life was a disaster .  And all my guilt ,anxiety and urge to control stems from that exact moment . The moment I realized my dad had massive issues and the fact that our life was in free fall . Please don’t be  naïve . Kids aren’t stupid. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Saza said:

. I told him how hard this has been on me and he acknowledges her difficultly and admits that there is more that the could do. 

Unfortunately you seem unaware that all this time and energy you're spending micromanaging his mental health is time you're not spending on your children.

He's a grown man. He has psychiatrists, therapists, and healthcare. He can make promises to change for you but it seems the gravity and severity of bipolar disorder escapes you and you don't realize these promises are written in the wind because the sine qua non of bipolar disorder is instability and noncompliance.

Mothering him instead of your children isn't good for anyone involved. It seems you need to fix and change him more like a project than a partner. 

[LootieTootie]

7 hours ago, Saza said:

I left it open for him to fill something in and he acknowledged how hard the mood swings are on me. He said he’s never tried cognitive therapy but would be willing to try. A guy in his therapy group was recently telling him what a difference that has made in his life. The guy has been doing it over 2 years now weekly.  He also proposed to work on some lifestyle changes.....admits that there is more that the could do. He’s made it very clear that he wants to stay in this relationship long term and is willing to put in the work to make it successful. 

I think this is just talking and not doing, and it looks like you are taking a backseat and buckling your kids in for the ride.

Even if he incorporated some changes, it's going to take awhile for any of it to show. If he wants to try a different therapy, he will get re-assess again and its really on him if he wants to take the dr's orders or not. My husband's bipolar is mild compared to most of his family members. His sister is bad and one of his uncle is really bad. I do think that the more severe someone's bipolar is, the more they don't do what the dr order. I remembered my husband and I were visiting his sister and her kids asked her if they can come stay with us and she asked why. The oldest son who was 12 at the time (out of 4 young kids) said "Because Uncle Log isn't unhinged like you." She snapped back and said "because the dr drugged him up." 

Any way, the reason why I brought this up is that kids are intuitive and when they see that their parent is sad, sick or stressed, they can't help but feel the same. This affects a kid's development into adulthood and their relationship with others. The oldest son I was talking about is now 18, and he still has a hard time reconciling his feelings about his mom. She sometimes calls my husband and ask him to talk some sense into his nephew. Apparently he blows up on her for no reason. She thinks its because he is mental but when he talks to my husband, the kid has a hard time reconciling his emotions about his mom. He loves her but he has lots of unresolved feelings about mean things she has said to him and other people and mean things she did when she was having her episodes. This is why I don't think kids should be around untreated mentally ill people. 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Saza said:

@MissCanuck kids came with me to my mother’s. They had a great weekend with their grandma and were pretty unaware of the situation. They did know he was in the hospital and were eager to visit (they did and made him sweet cards)  

And you don't think it is distressing to them to know he was unwell?

They might be too little now to get it, but that is going to change quickly as they get older and realize what is really going on. 

If you think this has had all had zero effect on them even to this point, you are being very naive and sticking your head in the sand. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

 it looks like you are taking a backseat and buckling your kids in for the ride.

I agree with this. Please understand that in the thoes of manic and psychotic episodes, he's not going have the wherewithall to religiously follow medication schedules, or diet, exercise, sleeping habits or therapy. That's why he's been hospitalized. 

[Saza]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm not denying that this had an impact at some level on the kids. They are 12 and 9, and therefore not that young to not understand. We've had conversations around mental health and they had lots of questions for both me and my partner, and have received honest kid-appropriate answers. I did check in on them over the past week to see how they were feeling about all this. I have a very good relationship with my kids and I know that they feel comfortable sharing their true feelings with me (this is not the case at their dad's). 

@LootieTootie I'd be curious to know what you mean when you say that your husband has mild symptoms. It seems that you clearly found a way to stay with your husband and have a succesfull relationship despite your husband's mental health issues. How did you achieve this?

For those who seem to be wondering why I'm still in this relationship, well, there are multiple reasons. As I mentioned before, aside from his mental health issues, he's a great partner. I am not minimizing the impact his mental health has had on our relationship: I posted this thread because of that reason. It is tricky to assess for me what to do though. We've had 2 very difficult episodes in the 3 years we've been together. On a few occasions, things were flairing up - I could see the mood changes, the lack of sleep - and I expressed my concern and he managed to find ways to managed his anxiety and get back on track. He has been living with this long enough that he knows when it's coming, although sometimes he's not able to stop it. Also, just to clarify, we don't know if he's bipolar. He's gotten 5-6 different diagnostics by psychiatrists over the years, and it is unclear which one it actually is. 

All that to say, that my first choice would be to find a way to make it work by better managing his mental health. We have joined our lives in ways that would now not be that easy to untangle (we live together, share a car, our children are blended). 

[Seraphim]

There are different levels of Bipolar. My dad was Bipolar 1 which is the worst. 

[Wiseman2]

On 2/16/2024 at 1:51 PM, Saza said:

 , he suddenly went into a psychosis because the medication he was taking apparently can cause psychosis in people who are bi-polar. It was a very difficult situation to manage.

Bipolar disorder can have a lot of comorbidities. Substance misuse is extremely common. It's strange that you are now trying to deny that he has bipolar disorder replete with manic and psychotic episodes. 

Is it his house and car you're sharing,? Are there financial problems? 

[Seraphim]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Bipolar disorder can have a lot of comorbidities. Substance misuse is extremely common. It's strange that you are now trying to deny that he has bipolar disorder replete with manic and psychotic episodes. 

Is it his house and car you're sharing,? Are there financial problems? 

Correct. My father also had boderline personality disorder and could be intensely narcissistic. When manic he was very dangerous and he would be violent . When he was depressed he wouldn’t get out of bed to even eat or go to work . When he was having a psychotic issue he would think government officials knew him and were on purpose targeting him.  You stayed out of his way when he was manic as he felt invincible and he would try and take you out . 
 

He was hospitalized easy over 200 times in his life for mental health reasons. 
 

His mental health was so bad I never allowed him access to my child without me present even when my son was an adult. 

[Saza]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Bipolar disorder can have a lot of comorbidities. Substance misuse is extremely common. It's strange that you are now trying to deny that he has bipolar disorder replete with manic and psychotic episodes. 

I'm not denying anything. I'm just saying that I don't know. He was taking Sertraline, and that caused the psychosis. The nurse practicioner who originally saw us at the onset of the psychosis said that it can cause psychosis in people that are bipolar, and she thought that this might be his case. Looking it up now, it says that  sertraline may provoke or exacerbate positive psychotic symptoms, particularly in patients on neuroleptics, with a previous history of psychosis. It seems that this is not exclusive to bi-polar. I don't really have much experience with bi-polar to be honest. One of my best friends has a mother who is bipolar and her symptoms are quite different. She doesn't just become manic, but will have those horrible suicidal phases. My friend has many horror stories of seeing her mother trying to kill herself with pills, sharp objects. My partner has never done something like that, I don't think that he's even been suicidal.

 

[Saza]

@Seraphim  I'm very sorry to hear all that. I can't imagine living with that. That must have caused a lot of trauma to have to live through this as a child. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Saza said:

. The nurse practicioner who originally saw us.....

Please stop playing doctor.  Saw "us"? I'm sorry but you're in way over your head.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Saza said:

I'm not denying anything. I'm just saying that I don't know. He was taking Sertraline, and that caused the psychosis. The nurse practicioner who originally saw us at the onset of the psychosis said that it can cause psychosis in people that are bipolar, and she thought that this might be his case. Looking it up now, it says that  sertraline may provoke or exacerbate positive psychotic symptoms, particularly in patients on neuroleptics, with a previous history of psychosis. It seems that this is not exclusive to bi-polar. I don't really have much experience with bi-polar to be honest. One of my best friends has a mother who is bipolar and her symptoms are quite different. She doesn't just become manic, but will have those horrible suicidal phases. My friend has many horror stories of seeing her mother trying to kill herself with pills, sharp objects. My partner has never done something like that, I don't think that he's even been suicidal.

 

Psychosis with Zoloft doesn’t always happen with bipolar people. my doctor gave me Zoloft for anxiety and I had a psychotic episode for 20 days until taken off . I am not bipolar. I do however have a panic disorder, severe anxiety and C-PTSD. I take Mirtazepine now as it also helps me to sleep. 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Saza said:

@Seraphim  I'm very sorry to hear all that. I can't imagine living with that. That must have caused a lot of trauma to have to live through this as a child. 

I have a lot of severe trauma from my dad and has family that my mom was complicit in by keeping us with that family. She has accepted that and said she was sorry. My father is gone now but never never never accepted his part. All he said was “ grow the F up, everyone has a hard life suck it up loser.”

However, you tend to have problems when you’re five and your father is trying to run your mother over with the car and you are in that car. 

[Saza]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Is it his house and car you're sharing,? Are there financial problems? 

It's my house and his car. I bought my ex out when we separated and kept the matrimonial house, but to be honest, I was on the brink of selling it and moving before I met my partner. It's a very large house and expenses are high. I can't really afford it on my way without sacrificing a lot of other stuff. I sold my car when he moved in because I only have one parking spot that comes with my house, and that he has a van that is large enough to accomodate our combined children. He has his own house that he kept and is currently rented. The profit from that house is applied towards the cost of mine. Separating would definitely create some housing and financial difficulties for both of us, and would take some time to figure out - it might not be that easy for instance for him to get rid of his tenants and move back into the house. 

[Saza]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

However, you tend to have problems when you’re five and your father is trying to run your mother over with the car and you are in that car. 

OMG!! And I thought I had issues with my dad (he's a Narcissist). Why did your mother stay with him?

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Saza said:

OMG!! And I thought I had issues with my dad (he's a Narcissist). Why did your mother stay with him?

It was many years ago. my parents married in 1965. Women didn’t have all the supports and help they have now when you married that was it. She even divorced him when I was seven years old, but went back after he kidnapped us even though she had full legal and physical custody. He tricked her into us for a holiday with him, and he just never returned us, and said he was leaving to South America with us if she didn’t come back. Then he had his brother living with us, who was a sociopath who raped me for 9 months. My mother came back when she found out and the child psychiatrist at the time told her if my dad was supportive of me, it was better that we stayed with him and so she did for another 10 years till she finally told him to get lost and never come back. That was 34 years ago. 

[boltnrun]

Financial and logistical are not really reasons to stay with someone who exhibits frightening behaviors. No, it's not "easy" (no one here said it was) but the choice to protect your children should be easy. 

Please take into consideration the multiple people who responded to your thread who have their own mental health issues as a result of being raised in a household with a mentally ill person. And think about whether you want your kids to have similar issues when they're adults. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Saza said:

We've had conversations around mental health and they had lots of questions for both me and my partner, and have received honest kid-appropriate answers. I did check in on them over the past week to see how they were feeling about all this.

So how can you also say that this is not taking a toll on them when you are also doing all of the above? 

It seems to me that you are aware that they have been affected by this on some level, but you don't want to admit it to yourself yet. It is important that you talk to them about this and check in with them of course, but it doesn't line up with your repeated assertion it's only you this is taking a toll on and they aren't exposed to it.

[Saza]

24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So how can you also say that this is not taking a toll on them when you are also doing all of the above? 

It seems to me that you are aware that they have been affected by this on some level, but you don't want to admit it to yourself yet. It is important that you talk to them about this and check in with them of course, but it doesn't line up with your repeated assertion it's only you this is taking a toll on and they aren't exposed to it.

They have definitely been well-aware of the two psychotic episodes that he had. They never saw him in that state as I made sure of that, but I didn't lie to them about what was going on. 

In terms of other times when his mood was somewhat unbalanced, I won't deny that my partner and I had issues around that. Generally what happens is that he's in a bad mood for a day or two and we end up having a fight. This happens perhaps every 4-6 weeks (and the kids are with us about 50% of the time when that happens). Early in the relationship we had bigger fights in these moments. Now, generally when he's like that, I just go do my own thing for a day. We discussed this and he says that me giving him space instead of escalating helps him calm down faster. When the kids are with us, I'll often do the same thing: I'll go do something without him and take my kids, sometimes his kids as well. I'm not saying that this doesn't have an impact on the kids. However, my ex figthing with his new wife multiple times a week is equally bad in my opinion. 

[Batya33]

My dad was diagnosed with mental health issues in the 1950s and later with bipolar.  He complied with meds and therapy and it certainly took a toll on all of us. But he was my father. Very different decisions to be made in that case -he wasn't just a live in boyfriend.  I'm a mom of a teenager. I've made many many sacrifices to be a mom and to be his mom including hugely significant changes to my prior social life. To me that's part of being a parent and acting in the best interests of the child.  Yes I pay attention to my mental health and physical health -I'm not a martyr - but I'd think it would be a given to make a sacrifice here so your kids aren't subected to this -it's dangerous and long lasting harm and just so unnecessary.  Please reconsider. It took me many years to forgive my father and understand why my mother did what she did.  

[Saza]

I'm truly sorry to hear about everyone who shared their stories of childhood trauma after dealing with a parent with mental health issues. Hearing your stories has been helpful. This relationship journey hasn't been easy so far, that's for sure, and that last episode has certainly been eye-opening. I do certainly not wish to cause any harm and trauma for my children. 

Maybe I'm a fool but I can't help being a little hopeful? I got in touch with my therapist that I saw at the end of my mariage and through my separation. She was very helpful helping me navigate all of that at the time. Perhaps she can help me with this as well. To be honest, I don't think I'm ready quite yet to give up and move on. Does that make sense?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Saza said:

I'm truly sorry to hear about everyone who shared their stories of childhood trauma after dealing with a parent with mental health issues. Hearing your stories has been helpful. This relationship journey hasn't been easy so far, that's for sure, and that last episode has certainly been eye-opening. I do certainly not wish to cause any harm and trauma for my children. 

Maybe I'm a fool but I can't help being a little hopeful? I got in touch with my therapist that I saw at the end of my mariage and through my separation. She was very helpful helping me navigate all of that at the time. Perhaps she can help me with this as well. To be honest, I don't think I'm ready quite yet to give up and move on. Does that make sense?

There are times I’m not quite ready to make the sacrifices I have to make to be a good and present parent acting in the best interests of my son. Sometimes I gotta settle for “not quite ready but gotta be done “.