Saza

I totally agree. Although he has made efforts, I feel that he's not taking this situation as seriously as people in his life.

@boltnrun I like your suggestion a lot actually. To be honest, the housing situation isn't ideal. Although we can fit ourselves and all the kids in my house, kids need to uncomfortably share bedrooms and the older ones complain about that. The house is quite large, but a bit short on bedrooms. If I had it alone, it's a bit too expensive for my needs. Before I met my current partner, I was actually considering selling and moving to a town house with same number of bedrooms but that would have less monthly expenses. I chose to keep it as it has nice living space for a larger family. Also, his kids' mother lives in a completely different part of the city and the kids (and him) have a big commute when they're with him on school days. Living separately would actually make a lot of sense. He could then work on his mental health and finalize his custody battle without involving me in every exhausting detail of his life.

I'm not trying to minimize anything. I posted here because I had concerns and doubts. It's easy from a bistander's perspective to say "drop everything and leave". But when you have been in a relationship with someone for some years, that you invested a lot in that person and your future together, that you love them deeply - I mean, that you said yes to marrying them! - to walk away is a heartbreaking decision to make. When I left my ex husband, our relationship kind of ran its course. We were trying to hold things together for the kids but didn't have much love left for each other. And although separating was obviously difficult, I felt emotionally at peace that it was the right decision. I was ready to move in. In the present situation, I just feel an immense heartache. I have a hard time accepting, to be honest, that he cannot change, that the situation will not improve

Ah! I see. Well, he actually ran after him and had a short discussion with him in the hallway and talked him into coming back. This was 30 minutes into an hour session. The rest of the session was mostly focused on discussing how my partner could get individual support.

The therapist looked concerned. He asked him if he was doing individual therapy. My partner said that he was between therapists, so our couple therapist asked him if he would agree for him to send him a few suggestions of therapists. He proposed that he see a regular AND a cognitive therapist alternating weeks.

Thank you everyone for your input. I greatly appreciate hearing everyone's stories. I don't have a lot of experience with mental health issues, and especially not in such close proximity. Hearing other people's experiences has really helped have a clearer view of the situation. It's hard to accept that someone you love and that you know loves you sometimes acts in ways that are hurtful. And it's natural, I think, to hope that this can be addressed. I think that at this point, I don't have very high hopes that this can be resolved or that this will improve. As such, I'm definitely leaning more towards leaving him than staying. However, I do want to discuss the situation in more dept with a therapist. I did make an appointment for this Friday.

@LootieTootie Wow! That actually does sound like my partner. When he had his manic episode in the summer, he was incessently talking. It wasn't delusional per say as when he had his psychosis, but perhaps more like unrealistic and not feasible. He had a million plans, and clearly none of these things were going to happen. To be honest, he's still being quite difficult at the moment. We had a couple therapy session yesterday to safely go over what happened, and he got very upset at my side of the story and walked out of the therapy session. In August, after his mania, he was also very irritable for quite a few weeks.

@rainbowsandroses @Seraphim thanks for this info. He is getting a psychiatrist. He never had a psychiatrist follow him for an extended period of time. From what I understand, he is getting a psychiatrist soon and will get a proper assessment and will be followed.

I'm confused. The medication caused psychosis. He's never had a psychosis before but has been in manic states. I'm not saying that it's impossible for him to be bi-polar. I'm not a psychiatrists and don't have the tools to diagnose him. I'm just trying to get a better grasp at what I'm dealing with, and whether this can be managed or not. It's difficult to make decisions when you don't have all the info

Interesting. Thanks for sharing this info. I wonder if different people perhaps react differently to the meds? Is that a thing?

I said "apparently" as that is what the nurse practitioner and that psychiatrist think is what happened. But there is no way of being 100% certain I guess. However, the fact that he had recently started a much higher dose and that this medication can cause psychosis indicates that this was probably the cause. That's what the psychiatrist thought. Also, I just want to clarify that he has not been diagnosed with BP1. I had a private conversation with the psychiatrist at the hospital who suggested that he should get a complete assessment. She was leaning more towards a personality disorder than BP1, and thought that he might have been given the wrong meds for most of his life.

I agree. It's not well-managed right now. That needs to be addressed.

He was taking his medication as prescribed. Apparently it's the medication that caused the psychosis this time (probably paired with high levels of stress). When I met him he had been taking Seroquel for a number of years. He went off it about a year and a half ago as it was really affecting his ability to be productive at work. He had discussed this with his doctor who agreed to let him see how he would manage without medication. I did notice him having more mood swings after that, and he had a manic episode in August when he was dealing with an excessive amount of stress. After that incident, his doctor prescribed setraline to help him better manage his stress-related anxiety. It did wonders to his mood, and we had a wonderful period when he was emotionally super stable. It was awesome. About a month ago, his doctor significantly increased his dose to help him cope with an upcoming Trial (for custody). This triggered a psychosis! He is currently back on Seroquel. I'll admit that he's not keen on taking it but has been taking it nonetheless for now. He's waiting for a new psychiatrist to contact him. He's gonna get a full psychological assessment and he's hoping to try different meds and get off seroquel. That's kind of where we're at right now.

That is a tricky question! Relationships are not all black and white. My ex husband didn't have a mental health issue as such, but had a very difficult personality. He was extremely selfish and self-absorbed. He was eager to take from others, but mostly unwilling to compromise or give back in return. He had a short fuse and everyone was constantly walking on eggshells. My current relationship is a million times better than that to be honest! My point is that perhaps a well-managed mental health issue is not as bad as poorly managed personality issues. Every relationships has good and bad aspects.

I'm truly sorry to hear about everyone who shared their stories of childhood trauma after dealing with a parent with mental health issues. Hearing your stories has been helpful. This relationship journey hasn't been easy so far, that's for sure, and that last episode has certainly been eye-opening. I do certainly not wish to cause any harm and trauma for my children. Maybe I'm a fool but I can't help being a little hopeful? I got in touch with my therapist that I saw at the end of my mariage and through my separation. She was very helpful helping me navigate all of that at the time. Perhaps she can help me with this as well. To be honest, I don't think I'm ready quite yet to give up and move on. Does that make sense?

They have definitely been well-aware of the two psychotic episodes that he had. They never saw him in that state as I made sure of that, but I didn't lie to them about what was going on. In terms of other times when his mood was somewhat unbalanced, I won't deny that my partner and I had issues around that. Generally what happens is that he's in a bad mood for a day or two and we end up having a fight. This happens perhaps every 4-6 weeks (and the kids are with us about 50% of the time when that happens). Early in the relationship we had bigger fights in these moments. Now, generally when he's like that, I just go do my own thing for a day. We discussed this and he says that me giving him space instead of escalating helps him calm down faster. When the kids are with us, I'll often do the same thing: I'll go do something without him and take my kids, sometimes his kids as well. I'm not saying that this doesn't have an impact on the kids. However, my ex figthing with his new wife multiple times a week is equally bad in my opinion.

OMG!! And I thought I had issues with my dad (he's a Narcissist). Why did your mother stay with him?

It's my house and his car. I bought my ex out when we separated and kept the matrimonial house, but to be honest, I was on the brink of selling it and moving before I met my partner. It's a very large house and expenses are high. I can't really afford it on my way without sacrificing a lot of other stuff. I sold my car when he moved in because I only have one parking spot that comes with my house, and that he has a van that is large enough to accomodate our combined children. He has his own house that he kept and is currently rented. The profit from that house is applied towards the cost of mine. Separating would definitely create some housing and financial difficulties for both of us, and would take some time to figure out - it might not be that easy for instance for him to get rid of his tenants and move back into the house.

@Seraphim I'm very sorry to hear all that. I can't imagine living with that. That must have caused a lot of trauma to have to live through this as a child.

I'm not denying anything. I'm just saying that I don't know. He was taking Sertraline, and that caused the psychosis. The nurse practicioner who originally saw us at the onset of the psychosis said that it can cause psychosis in people that are bipolar, and she thought that this might be his case. Looking it up now, it says that sertraline may provoke or exacerbate positive psychotic symptoms, particularly in patients on neuroleptics, with a previous history of psychosis. It seems that this is not exclusive to bi-polar. I don't really have much experience with bi-polar to be honest. One of my best friends has a mother who is bipolar and her symptoms are quite different. She doesn't just become manic, but will have those horrible suicidal phases. My friend has many horror stories of seeing her mother trying to kill herself with pills, sharp objects. My partner has never done something like that, I don't think that he's even been suicidal.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm not denying that this had an impact at some level on the kids. They are 12 and 9, and therefore not that young to not understand. We've had conversations around mental health and they had lots of questions for both me and my partner, and have received honest kid-appropriate answers. I did check in on them over the past week to see how they were feeling about all this. I have a very good relationship with my kids and I know that they feel comfortable sharing their true feelings with me (this is not the case at their dad's). @LootieTootie I'd be curious to know what you mean when you say that your husband has mild symptoms. It seems that you clearly found a way to stay with your husband and have a succesfull relationship despite your husband's mental health issues. How did you achieve this? For those who seem to be wondering why I'm still in this relationship, well, there are multiple reasons. As I mentioned before, aside from his mental health issues, he's a great partner. I am not minimizing the impact his mental health has had on our relationship: I posted this thread because of that reason. It is tricky to assess for me what to do though. We've had 2 very difficult episodes in the 3 years we've been together. On a few occasions, things were flairing up - I could see the mood changes, the lack of sleep - and I expressed my concern and he managed to find ways to managed his anxiety and get back on track. He has been living with this long enough that he knows when it's coming, although sometimes he's not able to stop it. Also, just to clarify, we don't know if he's bipolar. He's gotten 5-6 different diagnostics by psychiatrists over the years, and it is unclear which one it actually is. All that to say, that my first choice would be to find a way to make it work by better managing his mental health. We have joined our lives in ways that would now not be that easy to untangle (we live together, share a car, our children are blended).

I appreciate this input. We actually discussed this just the other day. I told him that I thought that the things he’d been doing so far were not sufficient and that if he wants me to stay in this relationship I will need to see him try other things as well. I left it open for him to fill something in and he acknowledged how hard the mood swings are on me. He said he’s never tried cognitive therapy but would be willing to try. A guy in his therapy group was recently telling him what a difference that has made in his life. The guy has been doing it over 2 years now weekly. He also proposed to work on some lifestyle changes. He’s a workaholic which has an impact on his routine from a meal and sleep perspective we discussed him either looking for a less demanding job or working for himself (he’s a software engineer) to have more control over his schedule. I told him how hard this has been on me and he acknowledges her difficultly and admits that there is more that the could do. He’s made it very clear that he wants to stay in this relationship long term and is willing to put in the work to make it successful. @MissCanuck kids came with me to my mother’s. They had a great weekend with their grandma and were pretty unaware of the situation. They did know he was in the hospital and were eager to visit (they did and made him sweet cards) @Capricorn3 It’s interesting that so many people mentioned the toll this has taken on my kids. The reality is that the toll has only been on me, and not on the kids. My kids ADORE him. And they adore their step-siblings. My kids think that him and his kids moving in with us is the best thing that ever happened to them - it’s the dream family. Me and him separating would be really difficult for them .

@Capricorn3 I stayed this long for multiple reasons. 1- he’s truly an amazing partner 80% of the time and I really love him 2- he’s also a great step father. He’s never done any harm to my children and they never witnessed any of his mania 3- he is aware of his mental health issues and has been working on it. He really wants to overcome this 4- he’s fundamentally a good person But it has taken a toll on me. It is difficult

@Wiseman2 I definitely have second thoughts about marriage, or at least, pooling all our assets together. I have significant assets from my family, and the whole manic thing makes me very concerned. At this point, if I choose to stay, I would only do so if we had a prenup at the very least. @smackie9 @Seraphim My partner has been under extreme stress since I've know him given the difficulty of the divorce and custody battle. He is very close to having this all finalized (a few months away). Since has mostly been the trigger in his life, wouldn't a lifestyle that manages stress make him more stable?

@smackie9 @Seraphim thank you for these honest replies. I am honestly really thorn because he isn't always like that. In fact, 80% of the time he's not like that, and in those moments he is the best partner that I ever had. But when he's in this state, he is very demanding, easily irritated, paranoid, controlling. When he's out of it, he has a lot of shame. He knows that he hurts others. I want to believe that treatment is possible but be realistic at the same time. We have built a quite nice life together and our kids LOVE each other. It's like the best and the worst all at once!