Have 0 ideas on what to do to ask out this out of my league guy. Advices please?

[guorlgirl]

Before starting i want to ask sorry for my english but it's bot my first lenguage and i will try my best.

So i'm a young girl and i'm still in "High School" but until now never had any type of relationships if not friendship.

I'm the nerd type of girl and everytime i'm automatically excluded from the parties, hang outs and fun with my classmates. So i'm not excatly the popular girl. The only good thing i have is my big group of friends that i hangout with almost every weekend. (In total we are 30 people)

Obviously we very rarely hangout all together but just some of us. We are a very quiet and "calm" group of people if not boring. We like simple things like going to a bar, playing bowling, stay at someone's home and this kind of things.

Obviously like in any group of friends we have the "beautiful friend" and in our group 5 of them are way out of our league and in fact they are like very popular in their school and they already had and have relathionships with girls/guys but many of us don't.

Until now everything is normal until a year ago a guy joined our group. D (that's his name) is a friend of one of our "beautiful friends" circle.

The first time i saw D for me was love at first sight. I mean i couldn't take my eyes off him. He always seems like one of those guys way out of our group of friends.

D is a very cool guy, always smiling, joking, sweet and very gorgeous. In fact all the 3 girls of the "beautiful friends circle" always tried to hit on him and lusts for him. (Not like the others weren't)

I tried to stalk him a little bit on the social medias but then knew that he don't use any social so i don't know very much of him.

The only thing that i know is his age and that he is extremely whealthy (but i falled in love with him before knowing that he was rich so money means nothing for me).

He's extremely fit and work out almost everyday and when we went on vacations with our group it was extremely difficult for all of us girls taking our eyes off him and his perfect body.

But now comes the issue: after a few months that he was hanging out with us i understood that he was pretty rich but didn't knew how much and recently i finally discovered how much his whealth is.

So a few weeks ago he invited some of us (the people that hangs out with him the most) to his house for his birthday party. We all accepted and made him all together a gift.

When he told us where his house was we all was shocked. His house is in the centre of the centre of our city and is a very exclusive neighboorhood. I mean only the richest people of my country have a house there so imagine our reaction.

When the day arrived i was wearing my new dress, i went to the hairdresser, nails done, shaved my body (i very rarely do it) and prepared for his birthday because i wanted to impress him and to say "hello gorgeous, i exist, i'm here too".

His "house" is a mega mension with a big garden, pool and another smaller house in the garden.

I mean he have BUTLERS in his mansion. It's one of those things that i only saw in the movies and never expected to be real but altought it is 100% real.

So the night went well, we all enjoyed, some of us were drunk (and this is a new thing for us) and it was like one of the best birthdays ever.

Obviously during the night i tried to talk to him, trying to "flirt" (but i'm not really sure about what i was doing because i was imitating the "beautiful friends" worlds and gestures) and he was there listening to me and talking with me but i'm worried that he was doing all of that just because he wanted to be kind and not because he have a real interest in me.

So i'm pretty obsessed with him ahahah but i'm full of fears to ask him out. I mean he is part of the "élite society" while i'm just a common nerd girl, he is so gorgeous and i'm a nerd, he is an extrovert and i'm an introvert. So i don't even know if for some miracles we would work together.

And the thing is that evrytime i try to talk with him i start getting anxious, saying stupid things and being almost paralyzed. He is super sweet and understand that i'm trying my best to have a normal talk with him and always makes me feel "normal" and treats me well but just like he acts with others.

So how i ask out this guy? How do i even approach this thing without being stupid and embarassed of myself? Advices please????

 

[smackie9]

Have you ever seen him date or be with a girl or has he ever been known to have a GF? There is a possibility he might be gay. 

[guorlgirl]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Have you ever seen him date or be with a girl or has he ever been known to have a GF? There is a possibility he might be gay. 

He isn't gay because i know that he had a few ex's and now he is single.

[Jaunty]

I'm afraid you will have to take the risk of feeling stupid / embarrassed, if you are determined to ask him out.  

You mentioned that he hasn't taken up with any of the "beautiful friends" who have hit on him, or any of your other group, and he has not showed any particular interest in you either.  

Not pointing that out to be mean - it's just the way it is. So you are probably prepared for some form of rejection. 

If you're ready to take the risk, go for it.  If you feel that the negatives outweigh the chance for a positive outcome, don't.   

I want to be clear that there is NOTHING WRONG with asking and not getting the response that you hoped for.   Just making sure that you're aware that you might feel hurt. 

It happens all the time - especially to guys, who socially have been taught to do most of the asking.   

[boltnrun]

Will you feel awkward or embarrassed if he kindly turns down your date invitation? 

Are there any other boys at school or in your friend group who you like? Do you know if any of them like you?

[reinventmyself]

It's never a good to place someone so high above you, at the same time feeling you are less deserving.

You've set yourself up for a disadvantage whether it warrants it or not.

 

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

It's never a good to place someone so high above you, at the same time feeling you are less deserving.

You've set yourself up for a disadvantage whether it warrants it or not.

 

Yes and this is why I wouldn't ask him out - even if he says yes will you feel like you have to outdo yourself with planning a date given how you perceive him?

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and some things that have most attracted me about a guy are intelligence, humor and an interest in ME. So no matter how good looking a guy may have been,  if he didn’t show enough interest in me to ask for my number or ask me out, he wouldn’t get to date me.

I didn’t care how old fashioned this seemed. I saw it as a biological thing—sperm chases the egg, not the other way around. If a guy didn’t have the interest or the backbone to make an effort toward me, then that didn’t make him a villain, it just told me all I needed to know. I had no trouble finding other dates.

Funny thing, this screening mentality prevented me from falling all over myself trying to compete for a guy’s attention. Maybe that was the key, because every guy I ever found good looking in school eventually ended up asking me out. I just hung back and let the other girls exhaust themselves.

Head high.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I can only speak for myself, and some things that have most attracted me about a guy are intelligence, humor and an interest in ME. So no matter how good looking a guy may have been,  if he didn’t show enough interest in me to ask for my number or ask me out, he wouldn’t get to date me.

I didn’t care how old fashioned this seemed. I saw it as a biological thing—sperm chases the egg, not the other way around. If a guy didn’t have the interest or the backbone to make an effort toward me, then that didn’t make him a villain, it just told me all I needed to know. I had no trouble finding other dates.

Funny thing, this screening mentality prevented me from falling all over myself trying to compete for a guy’s attention. Maybe that was the key, because every guy I ever found good looking in school eventually ended up asking me out. I just hung back and let the other girls exhaust themselves.

Head high.

My friend pursued a man like this in college many years ago. Out of her league. She showed up at the parties he went to. The sporting events. They ended up hooking up and seriously dating for 3 years. Until he hooked up with her roommate/best friend. My sense was from all she said he was never that into her. She was constantly walking on eggshells and doing everything to keep him. That’s the sense I got. 

[Cherylyn]

Men love a self confident woman especially when you have your own life and endeavors.  Just ask him and be yourself.  Be kind,  respectful,  considerate and let him know you're a real lady.  Then allow the conversations to continue from there.  Be a good listener and never monopolize the conversation.  Never interrupt.  As long as you have good manners and a healthy dose of clean humor without overdoing it to the point of unnatural or goofiness,  you should be fine. 

If you feel he's out of your league,  it's not impossible to attain a relationship out of your normal social circle.  People marry up and there's nothing wrong with it.  As long as love and devotion is mutual,  I fully support however way a relationship transpires especially when it's positive on all counts.  😉 I'm living proof of this! ☺️

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

As long as love and devotion is mutual, 

Yes and it could be if she chooses not to put him on a pedestal -which is largely based on his looks. 

[Andrina]

The guy knows that many women would be willing to go out with him with the feedback he gets. He's aware of his charm and good looks, and knows you were flirting, but being a fake you which he could see right through. Sorry, but he's known you and all these other pretty women in the group for a year. If he wanted to date any of you, he'd easily ask, especially since he's dated before and is well practiced. Maybe he realizes he just wants the fun of freedom right now. Maybe he tried dating women but has come to the realization he's gay. I've known guys who did this in high school and even college.

I did try asking guys out in the past but it never worked. I agree with Catfeeder. The only time I've seen it work is with extremely shy guys and confident women. I also dated someone once who I thought was out of my league and my psyche was a bit tortured about it. Although it turned out I was out of his league as far as kindness went.

Sometimes it's not so fun dating the hottest guy around when you have to watch women constantly vying for his attention.

For now, if I were you, I'd enjoy his friendship because he seems like a great guy. I also think you should work on your self-worth, because when you're down on yourself, you'll only attract abusers. The people who considered themselves nerds in school are very often successful people as adults in their careers. Whereas some of the popular people realize their best years were in school and as adults, they are very little fish in a big pond, which they are not used to.

Keep being you, with better self-esteem, and the right guy will notice how special you are.

[ShySoul]

First thing is to realize that no matter what he looks like, how popular he is, or how much money he has, he is not out of your league. No one is out of any one's league. The whole concept of "league" is just an excuse to separate us from each other based upon artifical constructs. The popular one can end up with the geek. The "hot" one can end up with the plain one. Rich people can end up with people who aren't surrounded by money or a fancy lifestyle. Worrying about these things only creates unneccesary stress and pressure to live up to some fake standard. It's likely to cause you to self eliminate yourself before you even have a chance.

At the end of the day, we are all people with the same worries and concerns. He probably gets just as nervous at times about what to say or do. He probably knows what it is like to be toungue tied around someone he is interested in. He probably worries about the impression he makes on others, worries about his classes, and what he's going to do in the future. He puts his pants on one leg at a time like any other guy. The only difference is his situation may afford him more opportunites that others don't have the luxury of getting. That doesn't make him better or above you. It just makes him different and is a part (but not the whole) of who he is.

So what should you do? See him as any other guy. Talk to him like anyone else you would in the friend group. Get to know him and see what you have in common. Be nice and respectful. Have confidence in yourself. Realize that he isn't treating you like you are normal, you actually are normal. Just be you. From what you've said about him, he doesn't seem stuck up or likely to judge you. You seem to get along and he is nice to you. So you have nothing to worry about. Spend more time with him and see what happens. It might lead to more or it might not. If it doesn't, realize that's not about you. It's not because you weren't good enough, it just wasn't meant to be.

And as an introverted, nerdy guy can I just say that I've always found the introverted, nerdy girls to be way hotter then any of the popular girls ever were. It's all subjective, so don't worry about it.

[guorlgirl]

20 hours ago, guorlgirl said:

Before starting i want to ask sorry for my english but it's bot my first lenguage and i will try my best.

So i'm a young girl and i'm still in "High School" but until now never had any type of relationships if not friendship.

I'm the nerd type of girl and everytime i'm automatically excluded from the parties, hang outs and fun with my classmates. So i'm not excatly the popular girl. The only good thing i have is my big group of friends that i hangout with almost every weekend. (In total we are 30 people)

Obviously we very rarely hangout all together but just some of us. We are a very quiet and "calm" group of people if not boring. We like simple things like going to a bar, playing bowling, stay at someone's home and this kind of things.

Obviously like in any group of friends we have the "beautiful friend" and in our group 5 of them are way out of our league and in fact they are like very popular in their school and they already had and have relathionships with girls/guys but many of us don't.

Until now everything is normal until a year ago a guy joined our group. D (that's his name) is a friend of one of our "beautiful friends" circle.

The first time i saw D for me was love at first sight. I mean i couldn't take my eyes off him. He always seems like one of those guys way out of our group of friends.

D is a very cool guy, always smiling, joking, sweet and very gorgeous. In fact all the 3 girls of the "beautiful friends circle" always tried to hit on him and lusts for him. (Not like the others weren't)

I tried to stalk him a little bit on the social medias but then knew that he don't use any social so i don't know very much of him.

The only thing that i know is his age and that he is extremely whealthy (but i falled in love with him before knowing that he was rich so money means nothing for me).

He's extremely fit and work out almost everyday and when we went on vacations with our group it was extremely difficult for all of us girls taking our eyes off him and his perfect body.

But now comes the issue: after a few months that he was hanging out with us i understood that he was pretty rich but didn't knew how much and recently i finally discovered how much his whealth is.

So a few weeks ago he invited some of us (the people that hangs out with him the most) to his house for his birthday party. We all accepted and made him all together a gift.

When he told us where his house was we all was shocked. His house is in the centre of the centre of our city and is a very exclusive neighboorhood. I mean only the richest people of my country have a house there so imagine our reaction.

When the day arrived i was wearing my new dress, i went to the hairdresser, nails done, shaved my body (i very rarely do it) and prepared for his birthday because i wanted to impress him and to say "hello gorgeous, i exist, i'm here too".

His "house" is a mega mension with a big garden, pool and another smaller house in the garden.

I mean he have BUTLERS in his mansion. It's one of those things that i only saw in the movies and never expected to be real but altought it is 100% real.

So the night went well, we all enjoyed, some of us were drunk (and this is a new thing for us) and it was like one of the best birthdays ever.

Obviously during the night i tried to talk to him, trying to "flirt" (but i'm not really sure about what i was doing because i was imitating the "beautiful friends" worlds and gestures) and he was there listening to me and talking with me but i'm worried that he was doing all of that just because he wanted to be kind and not because he have a real interest in me.

So i'm pretty obsessed with him ahahah but i'm full of fears to ask him out. I mean he is part of the "élite society" while i'm just a common nerd girl, he is so gorgeous and i'm a nerd, he is an extrovert and i'm an introvert. So i don't even know if for some miracles we would work together.

And the thing is that evrytime i try to talk with him i start getting anxious, saying stupid things and being almost paralyzed. He is super sweet and understand that i'm trying my best to have a normal talk with him and always makes me feel "normal" and treats me well but just like he acts with others.

So how i ask out this guy? How do i even approach this thing without being stupid and embarassed of myself? Advices please????

Edit: people thanks for your advices and finally i took the courage to ask him out. So tonight me and my friends(and he) have a "meeting" to organize the near vacations and there i will try to ask him out. I will try to remember all the things you said and i will keep you updated on what will happen. Again thank you all❤️

 

 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

No one is out of any one's league.

I think some are for dating/long term relationship purposes. Absolutely not for how humans should treat each other. And especially when it comes to looks it depends on how much the person values physical features/fitness enough to date someone who is objectively much better looking/in better shape (I took this risk in my early 20s  - people made comments even about the imbalance - not always direct but I got the point -now we are each married to men lol -he was in denial for years).  I was able to meet really famous, really hot single men when I was dating because of who I knew and because of my work and because of where I lived.  Yes including Mr. Big LOL.  I knew better than to pursue a man like that -he was out of my league. 

He (meaning any of them) moved in entirely different circles, could have any woman he wanted -and I was cute/pretty -but no 10 and not glamorous looking etc - so I didn't waste time pursuing a man like that - and it was totally fine with me.   Yes I dated a range of men from a variety of backgrounds, variety of physical looks - and sure anything is possible but if the goal is long term all else equal I think staying within your own range of attractiveness and your own range of what you have to offer is often the best.  IMHO.

For the OP I agree with those who said this man knows any of these women would jump at the chance to date him.  And he's likely not going to choose the woman who asks him out even if he is interested because seems to me he probably likes being the main asker outer -the main pursuer and if she asks him out first that likely will decrease any interest he had in her other than perhaps for a quick hook up. Yup I'm pretty pragmatic about this dating stuff. It's not fair or balanced or whatever but JMHO.

[smackie9]

If he was interested in anyone he would be doing the asking. I think you should leave it as a nice thought and stay as friends in your social circle.

[Jaunty]

Kind of off topic, but how do you manage to organize a group of 30 friends to go on vacations together?  Sounds like a monumental undertaking.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

No one is out of any one's league. The whole concept of "league" is just an excuse to separate us from each other based upon artifical constructs.

100% agree with this^.  This idea of "leagues" has always repelled me, it's superficial and shallow, imo.

And what is one's 'league' based on anyway?  Looks, money, status? 

What about their character, their integrity?  Their values?  

A man or woman could be absolutely gorgeous, one of the "beautiful" people, wealthy, good family, high status etc but be the biggest a-hole on the face of the earth.  Man or woman. 

Would someone with lesser looks or status consider that person "out of their league"?  

I certainly would NOT!  Not by a longshot.

I also agree with @catfeederand OP I would ask yourself why you are so enthralled with this man.

Youre reasoning sounds quite superficial imo.

On 2/5/2024 at 10:23 AM, catfeeder said:

I can only speak for myself, and some things that have most attracted me about a guy are intelligence, humor and an interest in ME.

100%^.  And also MY interest in him as genuine chemistry and attraction (beyond the superficial) is typically mutual.  At least in my experience.

Lastly, if you DO decide to ask him out, there is absolutely nothing to feel stupid or embarrassed about.  I never understood this mindset and why people are so afraid to let another person know they're interested or that they like them.

What's to be embarrassed about?  Even if they say no and/or don't feel the same , it's nothing to feel stupid or embarrassed about, imo.

It takes confidence in yourself to express interest, it's a healthy human emotion.

If they don't feel the same, so be, move on.

In any event, you're very young OP still in HS.  You're still maturing, growing and evolving and all this or most will come to you eventually.

Just my $.02 and good luck whatever you decide.

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

A man or woman could be absolutely gorgeous, one of the "beautiful" people, wealthy, good family, high status etc but be the biggest a-hole on the face of the earth

I was involved with a man who very strongly resembled a popular movie star. He owned his own business that had a multi-million dollar government contract. So he had money. But this guy was the most egotistical, sexist, bigoted asshat. He said and did so many inexcusable and offensive things. I finally just dumped him. Some of my friends and coworkers thought I was crazy. "But he's so GOOD LOOKING!!!" I said, "then YOU date him. You can sit and look at him all day." On first glance he seemed to have it all but the second he opened his mouth it was clear he was a POS. I don't regret dumping him. Interestingly he proceeded to stalk me a few years later even though he was in a committed relationship with a woman he lived with. His ego just couldn't stand that I'd chosen to leave him. I had to change my number and block him on online platforms because he wouldn't leave me alone. And that's not cute or flattering, BTW. It's scary.

I hope this young man friend of yours is nice and respectful in addition to being physically attractive and from a wealthy family. Don't allow his looks or money sway you. Is he a good guy? That's what's important. 

[Batya33]

He absolutely might be out of her league too when it comes to character and integrity- what really matters. I mean she has solid values and for all his pretty external trappings and how “sweet” he is he might be sorely lacking in the qualities and values that matter. However I meant leagues as superficial. Her main focus is his looks. And he might be “sweet” but also superficially. We really don’t know. 

[Cherylyn]

On 2/5/2024 at 3:46 PM, Batya33 said:

Yes and it could be if she chooses not to put him on a pedestal -which is largely based on his looks. 

I agree just because a man is good looking,  they shouldn't be enamored.  I've observed this in my midst.  Money is great,  the big house is wonderful,  there's lots of money in the bank and on the surface, life is sparkly until you scrutinize and then it gets ugly because sooner or later narcissism rears its ugly head in one form or another.  ☹️  It's bound to happen at some point.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a good looking guy and I don't believe anyone is out of anyone's league.  However,  what should be emphasized is character and what type of life you envision with a man who will give you an enduring marriage or life filled with pure joy and happiness.  Nothing else matters.  🫢

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

A man or woman could be absolutely gorgeous, one of the "beautiful" people, wealthy, good family, high status etc but be the biggest a-hole on the face of the earth.  Man or woman. 

Agreed. In that case I would argue this gorgeous, wealthy, high status person would actually be the one below the other person's league. Who you are as a person should always trump any of these other concerns.

guorlgirl, you're still young. In high school a lot of things may seem important - popularity, social groups, physical appearance, wealth, posessions, etc. But gradually most people put less focus on that on more on what really counts, the kind of people we want to be. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to a "beautiful person" or being impressed by him being more outgoing or having wealth. But don't lose sight of what's really important, how he treats you and how well you get along. All the other things are window dressing. Be his friend, spend time with him, and most of all, believe in yourself. I'm sensing you're a sweet girl yourself, just a little unsure of yourself. Don't worry about it. Any guy would be lucky to spend time with you.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Agreed. In that case I would argue this gorgeous, wealthy, high status person would actually be the one below the other person's league. Who you are as a person should always trump any of these other concerns.

I wanted to point out she emphasized his wealth has nothing to do with it. In school very often looks defined "league" - I don't think out of league means he is superior as a person at all.  I'm referring to the reality of her age group and environment not that I agree with it.  I also don't think it's productive to tell herself she is superior or compare or any of that -she doesn't know him.  I do think she shouldn't go for a guy in his particular situation - life of the party/objectively gorgeous/enjoying attention from many women (if he didn't enjoy it he'd walk away or choose someone specific) - league/shmeague I wouldn't waste my time pursuing especially since she doesn't know if he is a good person.  And he is not wealthy -his family is - I do admire people who work hard and attain financial independence from that hard work.  Flaunting wealth is a turn off for me personally.