I am in need of some relationship advice Me (42F) and my boyfriend (22M)

[Fernie13]

So I (42f) is currently in a long distance relationship with a gentleman (22m) and we have been together for more then 1 year and obviously like any couple, we do have our ups and downs during it. We always try our best to communicate as much as we can to make sure things don't get out of hand (we can both be very emotional at times).

But as of late, he has been having doubts and thoughts about our relationship, mainly it's about my age and how much of a gap between me and him it is. He feels that it might be hard for me to have children at my age, we might not have as much time together because he is scared I might die early and leave him alone (possibly with said children) and we wouldn't be able to enjoy things because he just worries. Honestly, I can totally see his standpoint on those worries, but I have told him that hey, even if I was his age and such, there is always a chance that something could happen and I have told him that it can be the other way too that I might lose him too early. I have been trying my best to remedy and put him at ease by dieting, eating better, taking better care of myself by taking vitamins and exercising more and have been very successful in losing weight (I am a bit of a plump woman lol) and such.

We did have a talk earlier in the week, and he mentioned that he just can't seem to see us having a future together, but he still loves me very much and still wants to be there for me. He also worries about what his family and friends think, I feel like his family would probably be fine with it, they all seem to do their own thing in life, but I know for a fact his friends would be a bit...rude about it. I have told him that it is his life, that he shouldn't worry what others think as long as he is happy with what he has and does. But it just feels like it's up to me to maybe make that final decision on what to do, whether I try to convince him not to leave me or let him go and we just be good friends from now on. He has became such a better man since being with me, he has stopped partying so much, stopped doing hard drugs (at said parties) (but also just a tiny a bit of marijuana is okay), he has been able to concentrate and work hard at his current job, which he just recently got a promotion that gives him co-boss or assistant boss so I'm very proud and happy that he got that.

But overall..I just need some neutral advice or guidance on what to do, I love him dearly, I would give anything to be with him and for him to be happy. And yes..I do look at it this way, even if we did break up, I would still be there for him as a good friend no matter what and he the same.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Fernie13 said:

.We did have a talk earlier in the week, and he mentioned that he just can't seem to see us having a future together, but he still loves me very much and still wants to be there for me. He also worries about what his family and friends think

How did you meet? How far apart are you and how often do you see each other in person? Have you been to each other's homes and met each other's friends and family? 

It seems like you're at different life stages but have offered each other support and trying to be a positive influence on each other as far as health and wellness.

What not set yourselves free from the frustration of trying to be a long distance age-gap couple and enjoy the friendship? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

14 minutes ago, Fernie13 said:

But it just feels like it's up to me to maybe make that final decision on what to do

See below:

14 minutes ago, Fernie13 said:

he mentioned that he just can't seem to see us having a future together

I dunno. The age gap here bothers me. He is only 22, and was just 21 when you first began dating and you are twice his age. I get that he’s legal, but he’s just beginning his life as an adult, trying to figure himself out and who he is, and you were on that journey 20 years ago…  he’s expressing to you a lot of fears, and they’re all centered around this very thing: him wanting an adventure that leads to a future, but you’ve already had it. 
 

you should let him go so he can find a woman his own age, it’s what he’s expressing to you that he wants. 
 

im also wondering if the two of you have ever met in person? 

[Batya33]

How often do you see each other? My husband and I were mostly long distance for much of our pre-marital dating (and even some after!) But we'd dated in the past seriously and were the same age.  We both wanted to start trying to conceive before marriage when we were 40.  I got pregnant at 42 -no interventions - my only time pregnant ever.  We were very very lucky.  Our son is a teenager now.  Does your 22 year old boyfriend really want to rush into fatherhood? Is he interested in adoption? Surrogacy? Are you?

Relationships are hard enough without the core shaking doubts he has and he is very young. I think he is mostly on his way out and for some reason you're trying to convince this person to be with you - why would you do that - do you really want someone who is with you because he was "convinced" by you?

[smackie9]

Please let him go. You are not doing him any favours. You are robbing him of his youth, dating, experiences and finding himself as he develops into an adult. Their brains don't stop developing until age 25.

Nothing wrong with dating younger, but it's so temporary.  If a life partner is what you are looking for it's not the way to go.

I think he needs to find his way, some other way.

[Lambert]

I think the best thing is to let him go.  your argument is from your perspective. If I had a child and they were with someone twice their age, I would blame the older person for having poor judgment and selfishly limiting my child's life. 

This is a long distance relationship.  Have you ever met and do you ever spend time in person together? 

Think about what you really want for yourself.  It's begging and fighting the inevitable really what's best for you, too?

Look local and find a guy that you agree on being together.  

Sorry. 

[boltnrun]

Why is this relationship long distance?  How much time do the two of you spend together physically in person?

Also, why do you want to be in a relationship with someone you have to talk into being with you?

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Fernie13 said:

But it just feels like it's up to me to maybe make that final decision

It seem he has already decided this isn't for him, though:

10 hours ago, Fernie13 said:

he just can't seem to see us having a future together

Unless I am missing something, he has essentially ended it with you. 

10 hours ago, Fernie13 said:

I have told him that it is his life, that he shouldn't worry what others think as long as he is happy with what he has and does.

This applies to his choice to part ways too, though. If he is confident in his decision to end it with you, then he should proceed with that choice. No? 

10 hours ago, Fernie13 said:

I try to convince him not to leave me

Never do this. Fernie, you need to have more respect for yourself. If you have to convince someone to be with you, it is not the right relationship and it won't last anyway. 

This doesn't sound like a very realistic long-term prospect. He is a generation younger than you and lives too far away. It's just not viable. 

[SooSad33]

On 2/3/2024 at 2:38 AM, Fernie13 said:

But as of late, he has been having doubts and thoughts about our relationship, mainly it's about my age and how much of a gap between me and him it is. He feels that it might be hard for me to have children at my age, we might not have as much time together because he is scared I might die early and leave him alone (possibly with said children) and we wouldn't be able to enjoy things because he just worries.

He's right re: having kids.  You are now approaching the time in your life called menopause. 

I feel he is trying to let you down easy.  He's NOT all in it anymore..

On 2/3/2024 at 2:38 AM, Fernie13 said:

He has became such a better man since being with me, he has stopped partying so much, stopped doing hard drugs (at said parties) (but also just a tiny a bit of marijuana is okay), he has been able to concentrate and work hard at his current job, which he just recently got a promotion that gives him co-boss or assistant boss so I'm very proud and happy that he got that.

You do know you are not his mother... this is 'normal' for people his age.  They're experiencing & living it up! While you and/or your friends did the same thing as you left HS and hit 'adulthood', knowing drinking was now 'legal'.  So yeah, you're now involved with a guy who's ONE year into legal status 😉 .

 

On 2/3/2024 at 2:38 AM, Fernie13 said:

We did have a talk earlier in the week, and he mentioned that he just can't seem to see us having a future together, but he still loves me very much and still wants to be there for me. He also worries about what his family and friends think, I feel like his family would probably be fine with it, they all seem to do their own thing in life, but I know for a fact his friends would be a bit...rude about it. I have told him that it is his life, that he shouldn't worry what others think as long as he is happy with what he has and does. But it just feels like it's up to me to maybe make that final decision on what to do, whether I try to convince him not to leave me or let him go and we just be good friends from now on.

Sorry, but by sounds of it all, he's already got one foot out the door.

 

You two are so far apart in age, YOU could be his mother 😕 .  he's just getting started with his adulthood and you've already had plenty of experience.  This isn't going to work.

It's best to admit this isn't working out between the two of you and just be done.  Let him go do his thing .. I am pretty sure, in a few months, there will no longer be any communication and he'll be just fine.  Wish him the best and leave him be now.