GF with depression and grief said she needs some space. Is it over?

[copa0101]

My girlfriend of nearly a year has admitted to me in the past of struggles with depression, but overall things were really strong in our relationship for the duration until about a couple months ago.

 

1-1/2 years ago she lost her dad, it was shortly after this loss she said she started feeling depressed. She never really showed that side to me, however, now, a few months ago she got news that her mom has cancer, & she started to spiral into a depressive episode again. Her personality seemed to change, and it was like she became a shadow of herself. We talked and she told me she was struggling and opened up about everything she was having trouble with - at the center of it all was the situation with her mom who she is super close to.

 

As a result of it all she began to withdraw from me and isolate herself. She told me she needs some space, and has been unresponsive to me for 1 month. I told her prior this moment that I would support her, that I'll wait for her as she goes through this difficult period and opened the door to her that she can take some space if she needs.

 

But a month has gone by and I guess I am now starting to feel a bit anxious about the status of our relationship. I would have an easier time waiting if I knew what she was thinking, but she is as I said unresponsive. I've tried a couple of reach-out messages to let her know I'm there. Is the reality that it is over?

[Capricorn3]

It's very hard to know if it's over.  A whole month without any response is a long time but all you can do is respect her wishes and give her the space she asked for.  Is she getting any professional help for her depression?  If not, I think she really needs to look into it.

Sorry you're having a hard time.

[MissCanuck]

I think it is over, yes. 

Her lack of response is your confirmation. 

[boltnrun]

Seems like she doesn't have enough emotional capacity for a relationship. She is going through an awful lot of difficult things. Please don't make the mistake of making her struggles about you.

If you truly care about her it's important to respect her wishes. Back off and live your life. Assume she's out of your life for the foreseeable future. If she does come back you can decide if you want to resume the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, copa0101 said:

. She told me she needs some space, and has been unresponsive to me for 1 month. I've tried a couple of reach-out messages to let her know I'm there. 

Sorry this is happening. Please give her the space she asked for. She knows how to reach you if she wanted to. She's going through a lot and the additional strain of maintaining a relationship may be too much for her at this time. 

[smackie9]

If I were you I would make it end. This is what people do who are clinically depressed and can't cope. They push people and activities out of their life. For some reason it's too exhausting mentally. It's up to you to decide whether you are going to just sit by and wait or just end it. It's a tough one.....have you tried to go see her? 

[boltnrun]

Just jumping in to say I think if someone asks for "space" it's probably not a good idea to go see them.

I would either just go on with your life assuming she may contact you at some point (at which time you can decide what you want to do) or just end it yourself and decide if you want to leave a door open to her in the future. 

[copa0101]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Just jumping in to say I think if someone asks for "space" it's probably not a good idea to go see them.

I would either just go on with your life assuming she may contact you at some point (at which time you can decide what you want to do) or just end it yourself and decide if you want to leave a door open to her in the future. 

That is the thing, the last thing I need to do right now is suffocate her. I thought about sending her a card and a little packet of sour gums I know she loves, which was kind of an inside joke between us. Is that still too pushy? 
 

Thanks for the advice to all. I keep reading so many conflicting things. One day I read that it is common for people suffering through depression and maybe even grief in her case to withdraw in this way, and that I should keep reaching out to let her know she isn’t alone. Then I feel like I fool the next day for trying to keep chasing after someone who hasn’t reached out in a month. But the depression I believe is real. It was something she confided in me before this whole period of distance began. Feels like a shame.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, copa0101 said:

. Is that still too pushy? 
 I read that it is common for people suffering through depression and maybe even grief in her case to withdraw in this way, and that I should keep reaching out to let her know she isn’t alone. 

Please understand that she herself asked for space and knows your contact info. She's dealing with an enormous amount of stress. Why are you googling when she already mentioned she needs space? 

Yes, sending her stuff is pushy because she is not responding to you and you seem to refuse to respect that. It seems like you are doing this for yourself not for her.  I think you already know that somehow. 

[boltnrun]

Google doesn't know her and doesn't know how she's feeling. I'd rely on what she told you. 

Please don't send gifts. She hasn't forgotten you exist so no need to remind her. Respecting her wishes will go a much longer way than sending her anything.

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, copa0101 said:

I thought about sending her a card and a little packet of sour gums I know she loves, which was kind of an inside joke between us. Is that still too pushy? 

Yes, considering she has not replied to your previous attempts to get in touch. 

I know you are looking for hope and getting a bit desperate to hear something back from her, but she knows where you are. She knows you are there for her. 

For your own good, consider the relationship done. Work on letting go. She might come back around when she's feeling better, or she might not. Either way, you will be in a better emotional place to handle whatever is coming next. 

[catfeeder]

Knowing that someone is waiting for you is its own kind of weight and pressure. I wouldn't signal that.

I'd consider her request for space a way of saying that she can't deal with accountability for ANY future outcomes right now. I'd move forward to live my own life, and should she reach out, or your paths otherwise cross in the future to offer a possibility to reconcile, then you can cross that bridge. But as things stand, there is no foreseeable bridge between you. I'm sorry, and my heart goes out to you.

[smackie9]

Just me but it's been a whole month, not a few days, of no contact. I can see if she stipulated that she needed a few months or some kind of indication of what is needed. I don't think it's very fair to leave someone hanging for that long. So like I said it's up to you to make that call...wait but give yourself a deadline, of just assume it's over and start to move on. Me personally wouldn't put up with this. I would feel my time is precious too so why waste it on this nonsense.