dating with strict religious parents

[airhead124]

there's this girl that I like, but I don't know what to do. my parents are religious and im finally at the age where im allowed to date supervised (16) me and her haven't talked about dating or being in a relationship. but we do things that people in relationships do. we kiss, we fall asleep on facetime together, we talk to each other like we're dating, and I do sexual things for her. which my parents wouldn't be okay with, but it's technically not sex, so I think it's okay. I don't have that many friends, and as far as I know, no other girls are interested in me right now. so I dont want this to be a missed opportunity. and I really like her and being around her. I could keep it a secret and not tell my parents anything. but im scared they'll ask find out and ill be in horrible trouble. plus I would feel bad about lying to them. or I could ask her if she wants an actual relationship and ask my parents if we can date if she does. but she's 20 and I don't think she would want my parents to be watching her like a hawk while we're together. and my parents wouldn't leave us alone anymore, so I wouldn't be able to do sexual things for her, and I don't think she would be happy about that. but if she did want to date and I asked my parents if we could, I don't know if they would let us. mainly because of how old she is. im also not sure how they would feel about me dating a family friend. but my mom was 17 and my dad was 20 when they got married, so they might be okay with it. all I know is that I can't waste this opportunity and let her go. can anyone please give me any helpful advice or tell me what's the best route for me to take

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, airhead124 said:

 im finally at the age where im allowed to date supervised (16) she's 20 and I don't think she would want my parents to be watching her like a hawk while we're together. we kiss, we fall asleep on facetime together, we talk to each other like we're dating, and I do sexual things for her. 

Are your parents ok with you dating one-on-one or just group dates? Have your parents met her?  

Does she live with her parents? Is she from the same culture/religion?

Would your parents object to her age? Try to be as honest as possible with your parents about dating and perhaps they'll let you go out on dates. 

[airhead124]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are your parents ok with you dating one-on-one or just group dates? Have your parents met her?  

only group dates. I would only be able to go out with her somewhere if my siblings or a trusted friend was there. yeah, my parents know her

Does she live with her parents? Is she from the same culture/religion?I

she lives alone. im pretty sure she considers herself a Christian, just a less extreme one. so pretty much

Would your parents object to her age? Try to be as honest as possible with your parents about dating and perhaps they'll let you go out on dates

I don't know for sure how they would feel about her age. 

I would love to be honest with them and I feel bad when im not. but I feel like they're so strict that their immediate might be no, and no won't work

 

[smackie9]

The reality is, you have to put up with your parent's rules. Just hangout with her supervised...it is what it is.

[Coily]

If you need a sibling or trusted friend, then I would go with that option. Your parents should know that you want to date her, just no details of past interactions. Shades of Honesty.

Also make sure she knows what the deal would be, you owe her that.

Best of luck!!!

[Andrina]

If you happen to live in America, there are Romeo and Juliet laws that can differ among states for underage dating. In some, if there is a more than a 3 year age gap, the older person can be charged with

11 hours ago, airhead124 said:

I don't have that many friends, and as far as I know, no other girls are interested in me right now.

a crime.

IMO, there's something mentally off with a 20 year old woman wanting to date a 16 year old. I know I had absolutely no interest in any younger guys when I was in my mid to late teens. There are huge differences in life stages plus very different states of emotional maturity during these particular years.

Your statement I've highlighted speaks of just that. Sounds like, "Well, she's around and nobody else is paying attention to me, and I don't have much of a life right now, so what the hell?"

If you're lacking in friends, work on fulfilling your life solo first, having fun with activities/interests/hobbies. When you have some passion for life and can expand a girl's world instead of her being the sole center of your universe, you will attract emotionally healthier females instead of settling for whomever drifts your way.

[airhead124]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

If you happen to live in America, there are Romeo and Juliet laws that can differ among states for underage dating. In some, if there is a more than a 3 year age gap, the older person can be charged with

a crime.

IMO, there's something mentally off with a 20 year old woman wanting to date a 16 year old. I know I had absolutely no interest in any younger guys when I was in my mid to late teens. There are huge differences in life stages plus very different states of emotional maturity during these particular years.

Your statement I've highlighted speaks of just that. Sounds like, "Well, she's around and nobody else is paying attention to me, and I don't have much of a life right now, so what the hell?"

If you're lacking in friends, work on fulfilling your life solo first, having fun with activities/interests/hobbies. When you have some passion for life and can expand a girl's world instead of her being the sole center of your universe, you will attract emotionally healthier females instead of settling for whomever drifts your way.

it's legal here

it doesn't matter anyways because I asked her if she wanted to started dating and she said no because she's not ready for a relationship right now and she would feel weird needing supervision to be around me. so she told me not to tell anyone anything

my parents don't allow me to participate in that many hobbies where I can make friends. the hobbies I do have are boy based, so there are no girls around

ill still try not to let her be the sole center of my universe. ty for the advice

[MissCanuck]

Even if it's legal, it's odd for a 20-year-old woman to be interacting like this with someone your age. 

How did you meet her? 

[airhead124]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Even if it's legal, it's odd for a 20-year-old woman to be interacting like this with someone your age. 

How did you meet her? 

she doesn't have any bad intentions

our parents are friends. ive known her for like 4 years

[Andrina]

If you have to keep something a secret, it's best to make an exit for your own good. It's also for your own good to be interacting with kids your age instead of someone who isn't right in the head, though you can't see that right now. Doesn't your school have clubs you could join? Usually schools do. You could also take band, orchestra, drama, or any of those extracurricular classes that'll have you having more time to interact with your classmates in a more fun way.

Don't let yourself get drawn into stuff you're not ready for yet. Some decisions can change your life for a lifetime, and just not for the good. Some decisions can ruin your life before your brain has matured enough to know the consequences.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/29/2024 at 6:53 AM, airhead124 said:

. we kiss, we fall asleep on facetime together, we talk to each other like we're dating, and I do sexual things for her. which my parents wouldn't be okay with, but it's technically not sex, 

Please make sure one thing doesn't lead to another. If they do, use condoms. 

[itsallgrand]

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately it's so common with young people growing up under extremely controlling religious environments to become more vulnerable to those who seek to take advantage. Andrina is right about situations where you have to be or are being told to keep it a secret or not tell anybody about what is going on - it's a bad sign, it is when you should most bring that out into the light and tell someone. Sadly because of the situation with your parents, you are scared to tell them, where they might be see things you don't and at least could support you no matter what. I'm not saying your parents are perfect at all but I bet they do love you. And no girl or woman should ever ever ask to keep seeing them a secret or things you do if they care about you. 

 

[MissCanuck]

I’m not saying she necessarily has bad intentions, OP. 

Im saying there’s something a bit strange about her that she’s getting flirty with a 16-year-old.  
 

Anyway, it sounds like she just enjoys your attention and digital company but isn’t interested in more. Try not to get too wrapped up in the idea of being with her, as you’ll likely wind up hurt. 

[airhead124]

10 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately it's so common with young people growing up under extremely controlling religious environments to become more vulnerable to those who seek to take advantage. Andrina is right about situations where you have to be or are being told to keep it a secret or not tell anybody about what is going on - it's a bad sign, it is when you should most bring that out into the light and tell someone. Sadly because of the situation with your parents, you are scared to tell them, where they might be see things you don't and at least could support you no matter what. I'm not saying your parents are perfect at all but I bet they do love you. And no girl or woman should ever ever ask to keep seeing them a secret or things you do if they care about you. 

 

there's nothing for her to take advantage of. she's not gaining anything from being friendly to me

I know they love me, they're just a little extreme sometimes. ive had to learn the hard way too many times by asking them for permission to do something or by telling them that ive already done it. they almost always say no and give me a big lecture on why it's bad, and then I end up unhappy. I get that they're my parents and just trying to do their job, but sometimes it's like they want me to be unhappy. I don't want to ruin the good thing that we've got going on by telling my parents any of it