How do I accept and let go of this?

[sleepingvein]

My partner and I have been together for a year and a half and the relationship is great and healthy. His relationship with his ex was toxic and intense. She was his first love and he said it was obsessive and he went kind of crazy and they hurt each other emotionally. He was very wounded after it ended but he’s says meeting me was the best thing that happened to him, he loves being with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m so happy that I can love and care for him in a healthy way, but he also says this love is not as intense even though he loves me loads and it’s healthier. Sometimes he still gets sad thinking about her. She even tried to get back in touch and get back with him, but he blocked her and told me he would never do that which was reassuring. I just can’t shake this jealousy. He told me there will always be a small part of him that’s sad about that relationship, so how can I accept this and move on from it, and not feel jealous?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, sleepingvein said:

. Sometimes he still gets sad thinking about her.  He told me there will always be a small part of him that’s sad about that relationship, so how can I accept this and move on from it, and not feel jealous?

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you live together? How long ago did his toxic relationship end? 

It's not your job to accept this or put up with his nostalgia or musings about his ex. It's his job to block and delete her from his life and move on as well as get therapy if he is having difficulty. 

Next time he brings her up, please don't be sympathetic or entertaining about it. Suggest he go to therapy if he refuses to let go. Is this the same man?:

 

 

[Andrina]

29 minutes ago, sleepingvein said:

he also says this love is not as intense even though he loves me loads and it’s healthier.

That's a really cruel statement, showing he either doesn't care that he knows that statement would hurt you, or that he's plain stupid.

 

30 minutes ago, sleepingvein said:

He told me there will always be a small part of him that’s sad about that relationship,

Same for this statement. Could also be that he's passive-aggressive. His ex is a woman and so are you, so he could be punishing you because his ex is no longer around for him to release his anger on. Yes, that is a thing. 

Personally, I wouldn't stick around feeling like I'm playing second fiddle for his affections. He hasn't emotionally moved on, and it's been a whole year and a half with you as his partner, so you'd be unwise to hope for any improvement.

You've likely bonded with him through intimacy and the unnerving feeling that you're in competition with someone else and that winning is your goal. A challenge can be titillating, as though the person is some sort of prize worthy of winning. 

From people who aren't in love with him, we can see things more objectively and see he's the opposite of any prize. He's actually the toxic fumes you should be running away from.

With the right man, you won't have to shove your feelings under a doormat. You will feel satisfied without regularly occurring upsets that leave you miserable. Break up with this dude so you can eventually find someone worthy to be in your life.

[Batya33]

I think he’s acting tactless and oversharing and or simply wanting not to lead you on- later he can say well I told you my heart was still with her. You’re “healthier “ for him so he’s trying to convince himself that the less passion he feels is ok because it’s like taking a vitamin.  It’s good for him even if not an exciting or intriguing way to get healthy. Sometimes that is sustainable.
 

I've a few male friends choose stability over passionate chaos. And been up front with me about how they felt about their relationship. To me it’s settling. I chose to remain single even though I wanted to marry so badly because I refused to settle. I married at 42 and didn’t settle. I’m so so grateful for that.
There were men I tried to convince myself to stay with because they were so stable and treated me so well. And the za za za zoom was missing.

please on’t settle for being second best or be with someone where you pine for someone else to the extent you’d feel compelled to be “honest “ with your partner. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, sleepingvein said:

he also says this love is not as intense

Why did he tell you this?

1 hour ago, sleepingvein said:

He told me there will always be a small part of him that’s sad about that relationship

How long had they broken up when you two started dating? 

1 hour ago, sleepingvein said:

how can I accept this and move on from it, and not feel jealous?

Why is the onus on you to accept it label this as a "jealousy" when you might actually be correctly identifying a serious red flag here? 

[smackie9]

Warning: He doesn't have the emotional maturity to be a committed partner. He may say things about the future because well that's what people do when they are in the honeymoon phase...it's all talk and should never be taken as promises. You are going to find yourself getting hurt like you are now. It's possible that comment was made in order to recreate that rage/jealousy he had with his ex that was mistaken as passion/love. He keeps saying your relationship is "healthier" to convince himself this is right and should stick with it regardless of his feelings.

He needs to seek out counselling to sort these residual feelings for his ex. Obviously he's still attached/confused as to why he is attached to someone that made him so toxic, etc. If he can't do that, then stop investing yourself in this relationship....I don't see a good outcome.

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, Andrina said:

That's a really cruel statement, showing he either doesn't care that he knows that statement would hurt you, or that he's plain stupid.

I agree. The things he's said were manipulative, and I'd question his motives. Keep in mind, he was half of the toxicity he described--it wasn't all just his ex.

It's not necessary for you to accept stupidity and cruelty as though these are reasonable characteristics you 'must' live with in a partner.