A question of money

[mikroula]

Hello,

my fiancé and I have been together nearly 4 years now. The first 2 I largely financed us. He was having some financial trouble and I had to carry the load for a while.

i worked two jobs to be able to do this and it was quite a stressful period dealing with both the financial burden and his own volatile emotional outburst due to the stress of him running a startup.

he comes from quite a wealthy family and he has recently been given some money. We had an argument the other day as I suddenly realised that whether he has money or not he is not willing to help me or to share burden. He is happy for me to do it but hates it when it comes out of his pocket. 
He argues that if I want to have enjoy certain luxuries then maybe I should look into getting a higher paid job. When I say certain luxuries I mean being able to have the heating on longer.

he wants to go on holidays but wants me to still pay half the share even if he has chosen expensive hotels etc and he doesn’t like the thought of staying in more affordable places which won’t stress my finances.

when speaking to him about this again his argument is I should maybe try and find a higher paying job or not have hobbies that I can’t afford.

i don’t expect him to buy me diamonds and nice holidays but as he is now making more money and has more disposable cash, i though he would take on the burden more similar to how I did when he was broke.

i feel very awkward discussing money with friends and family and i am genuinely concerned that I am in the wrong here so any advice would be much appreciated!

[indea08]

A marriage, at its most simple form, is a partnership. Life’s circumstances will change, money will come and go. It’s important you have a partner who will pull their weight. It’s not you against them, it’s the two of you against the problem. If I’m being honest, this guys doesn’t sound like he’s being a good partner to you. Can you have an open conversation with him about this? Can you talk to him about your feelings?

[Wiseman2]

Please stop supporting him or commingling your finances. In your previous thread you claimed he was abusive. 

 

[Kwothe28]

Have you thought that the guy who was basically leeching on you for years maybe would take offense at the notion of him doing his fair share even when he has the money? 

You cant expect people to change their core beliefs. If he was fine being a leech, he wouldnt really be fine about him picking up a slack. Those are some core beliefs that come from family. He, for example, probably got by with family money as they coddled him. He is not used to taking care of people or even picking up a slack. Sorry, but you will never get that from that kind of a person. Which says a lot about him and his character. 

[Jaunty]

I'm truly sorry you have stayed with this person and put up with his abysmal  treatment of you for years.  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

I think the answer to your questions on this thread can be found in your previous thread. 

This "person" is horribly abusive, and his financial control is a big part of that too.

From your other thread. 

>>I am worried that I am being demanding and unsupportive.<<

Where did you learn that you (or any woman or man if roles were reversed) are required to tolerate and accept mental and emotional abuse (and physical as abuse tends to escalate over time) lest she be viewed as "demanding and unsupportive"?

Serious question, I'm seeking understanding here.  

Nevermind HIM, I can't wrap my brain around why you choose to remain and worse get married and build a life with this, um "person"?

Please get some professional help to help you sort through your emotions.  Educate yourself about domestic abuse in relationships/marriages and why you believe standing up for yourself means you're being demanding and unsupportive. Or better yet, just leaving.the relationship.

Here, he doesn't respect you, clearly. And why would he when clearly you don't respect yourself?  Otherwise you wouldn't be asking these questions, you would have left a long time ago.

Don't misunderstand, guy is an abusive jerk but this is not about him. It’s about you.

I really fear for you @mikroula, I'm so sorry. 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

The problem isn't about money, it's that your fiancé is a jerk who treats you badly.

Is that really not clear to you?

[Real01]

This sounds a lot like my situation. 
I have carried more of the financial responsibility. But what it came down to was he just wouldn’t do it or care to help me. 
That was hard for me to accept, I asked him to leave the in October and I haven’t seen him or talked to him. He hasn’t even tried to reach out and that speaks volume. 
I hope you receive wisdom in your decision.

[smackie9]

You supported this lazy #$% for 2 years? and then he says to find a better paying job? Giiiirrrrrl where is your self worth? kick this guy to the curb. Ain't no man worth that. 

[Capricorn3]

This isn't about money.  It's all about HIM being and abusive jerk and treating you like garbage. But, the bigger issue is WHY you allow him to treat you this way? WHY you insist on staying?  That's on YOU.  You have choices in life.  Someone treats you badly, you end it immediately and head in the opposite direction. You don't stay for further abuse. - And even more, you don't stay on and marry him.

OP, the writing is on the wall and has been for a long time. You have so many red flags waving in your face you should take heed.  Best thing you can do right now, is cancel all wedding plans, dump him and move on the better life free of this leech.  You can do a lot better.