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mikroula

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  1. Hello, my fiancé and I have been together nearly 4 years now. The first 2 I largely financed us. He was having some financial trouble and I had to carry the load for a while. i worked two jobs to be able to do this and it was quite a stressful period dealing with both the financial burden and his own volatile emotional outburst due to the stress of him running a startup. he comes from quite a wealthy family and he has recently been given some money. We had an argument the other day as I suddenly realised that whether he has money or not he is not willing to help me or to share burden. He is happy for me to do it but hates it when it comes out of his pocket. He argues that if I want to have enjoy certain luxuries then maybe I should look into getting a higher paid job. When I say certain luxuries I mean being able to have the heating on longer. he wants to go on holidays but wants me to still pay half the share even if he has chosen expensive hotels etc and he doesn’t like the thought of staying in more affordable places which won’t stress my finances. when speaking to him about this again his argument is I should maybe try and find a higher paying job or not have hobbies that I can’t afford. i don’t expect him to buy me diamonds and nice holidays but as he is now making more money and has more disposable cash, i though he would take on the burden more similar to how I did when he was broke. i feel very awkward discussing money with friends and family and i am genuinely concerned that I am in the wrong here so any advice would be much appreciated!
  2. The reason I pressed him to take me to the airport is because I have driven him from and to the airport in the past when he needed me to and never caused a fuss. I did it as well I thought that’s what you do for the person you love. You help them out when they need it! I have also driven him and picked him up on numerous from the train station or from the port when he needed me to. So, yes in a sense it was my own sense of justice driving me as in why is it ok for you but not for me and the other was to save money. Why is it that when it’s not him spending money but me the rules change? also perhaps naively so I think it’s a nice thing to take partners and pick them up from places like airports etc… perhaps a romantic notion but it shows the other person cares, will miss you and is looking forward to meeting you when you come back
  3. Thank you for your answer and please excuse this question for ignorance but I very confused and just need some sort of validation that I’m not going completely crazy or if I’m wrong for someone to confirm that too! Is it correct for him to use the engagement ring and how much it cost as an argument? Basically when he says I’m selfish and I only do things for myself I mention how I basically spent all my savings furnishing the house and supporting us this past year but then he will say that he bought me the ring so that means we’re even. I don’t agree. I don’t agree that the ring should be even brought up but in an argument. When I bring up the fact I supported us I don’t do it as a guilt trip but as reply to his accusation that I only do things for myself and I am selfish. He also hates me working long hours etc as I have been doing extra work to help build up by finances which he resented as I was ‘doing it for me not for us’
  4. I also want to ask - does me wanting a new car ( I would pay for it!) really mark me as selfish and not a team player because it’s something for me? He’d have full access to it but in the past when we’ve had arguments I’ve felt trapped as he has taken the car ( which is his) and gone and left me resulting in me having to cancel pre made plans or just not being able to leave the house. I have no family here (my family live abroad) so I find it very isolating not having my own car. Yet he sees it as evidence of me trying to leave him? He has actually mock asked me if me getting a car is the first step to me leaving him. He also resents how I am saving up for a car as it means I’m less willing to splash out on expensive restaurants and I’m being more careful which results in arguments with him saying I’m stingy and how all I care about is myself and I only do things for my own benefit. When I mentioned how I supported us for a whole year while he tried to get his company sorted his argument is that I shouldn’t use that against him and that he bought me very expensive engagement ring.
  5. Honest truth? I’m scared of not finding anyone after him. I’ve invested a lot in this relationship, moved to another city for him ( which I now love and would be happy to stay in, as I’ve made friends and have a nice little community) but I’m worried about the what after and that coupled with a concern that I’m doing something to cause his behaviour by perhaps being unreasonable or demanding ( it does take two to make a relationship work right) and then the yes unreasonable concern that he’ll be different with someone else thus confirming my fear that maybe yes I al causing this. Because he’s lovely with everyone else. My friends are always slightly surprised when I tell them about some of his behaviour. Which makes me think ‘is it me? Am I the problem? How do I fix it?’
  6. Actually he has in the past had complications with staff. He had high staff turnover as he tends to fall out with them and upset them.. so he had never had the outbursts he has with me - not that’s a lie he did once with his COO. He eventually quit too. But never with customers.
  7. I am worried that I am being demanding and unsupportive. I know he is under a lot of stress but the house were in at the moment is teeny and I had no say in it. He chose it and I was made to feel like I had no option as it was covid. But now there is not such excuse and I found a wonderful place where the rent is only slightly higher than wheat we’re currently paying. i don’t understand why he’s so against it. I paid for all the furniture and I supported us for the first year in that house so I feel like it’s about time we now moved and we find someplace where I am also happy. I would never make him live anywhere he doesn’t like but he refuses to move. He’s not good with change and that was another thing he was shouting about in his rant. ‘Why do you have to change everything?’ I get the life of a founder is hard but this isn’t right, right? I am just constantly being blamed for everything from wanting a new place to live to wanting him to pick up and clean after himself (apparently I’m a nag and I keep telling him off - but that’s because I’m sick of always doing it myself!) I don’t want to be nag. He resent the fact that I refused to have a joint bank account and accuses me of not being a team player. I am happy with having a joint bills bank account but I’m not putting all my savings into one joint bank account! He then goes on and on about how our fortunes will be made by him and his company (I doubt it, it’s been 4 years and it’s still not profitable) and his family ( he comes from a wealthy family and will be able to access a considerable fund from an inheritance fund next year) I have never asked him for anything and I have always paid my own way. I just hate how he labels me as ‘stingy’ because I refuse to pay for first class seats on an airline or to leave ridiculous tips at restaurants. When he is paying it’s always a different story. Yet when I say this he argues so vehemently and i become confused and start questioning myself.
  8. My fiancé has outbursts. The latest incident is where he drove me to the airport today. He had previously expressed negativity at taking me and had told me I should either drive myself there or get a taxi. I argued against this as everytime he has needed a lift to the airport I have taken him no questions asked. anyway so I drove us there and he was going to drive himself back. Mid way he got an email from work ( he is a founder of his own company) that caused him to lose him temper and unleash a torrent of abuse about how this is all my fault and I’m a c*nt and a b***h and a few other choice words whilst he screamed and yelled and banged around in the car. I tried to keep calm as he has these outbursts when he feels stressed sometimes and as I was on the motorway I wanted to make sure we were both safe. When we got to the airport he turns and says ‘I’m sorry are you going to break up with me?’ I said no and then he went on to blame me saying his behaviour is because I was selfish in wanting to be driven to the airport like a princess and now me wanting to move house ( we live in this tiny cottage and as we both work from home) and how I want all the time. Yes I have said I will buy a new car ( with my own money! I am the main breadwinner anyway) as I need my own car. He just went on and on about how demanding I am etc. this isn’t the first time he has had these outbursts. Mainly they happen when things happen and he can’t control them but the behaviour is very similar to a five year old having a temper tantrum. Jumping up and down. Screaming very loudly and generally behaving in a way where I don’t quite know whether to laugh or cry. I just don’t know what to do or what to think. Does anyone have any advice?
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