Have I been used?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, MsBlonde said:

3 days ago. Which makes me question things as before we spoke every day 

3 days is not "disappearing". You had a few nice dates, there's no real relationship. 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But again, if he changed his mind or otherwise needs to step back for whatever reason, which it appears he has, why not communicate that versus disappearing? 

I'm speculating, but maybe he doesn't feel there's anything to communicate. She said she's looking for a serious relationship yet consented to what appeared to him to be casual sex. There was nothing to "disappear" from. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

3 days is not "disappearing". You had a few nice dates, there's no real relationship. 

After first time sex?  Yes it was imo and many other women's opinions.

Especially considering how strong he came on before the sex.  Hello. 😀

Anyway, let's see if/when he reaches out. 

If he reaches out today and asks to see her with a plan, I'm open to changing my opinion.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, MsBlonde said:

he gave up on me

This is an interesting choice of words. Have you felt abandoned before? 

4 hours ago, MsBlonde said:

I made it very apparent early on with him that I was looking for something serious and not just a one night stand.

Which is fine, but unless he indicated he wanted the same with you, you are best to  operate under the assumption that anything could happen, including a one-night stand.  

It's not a fun lesson, but an important one. Try not to get too ahead of yourself too early on. 

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm speculating, but maybe he doesn't feel there's anything to communicate. She said she's looking for a serious relationship yet consented to what appeared to him to be casual sex. There was nothing to "disappear" from. 

Okay, I'm a bit surprised how cool and casual some of y'all are about this, fair enough!

This has never happened to me, but I wouldn't be.  I would deal with the disappointment, but I would definitely feel hurt and disappointed.

And a bit miffed he didn't have the courtesy to tell me we weren't the right fit or whatever.  

I think ghosting after sex stinks, but let's wait and see if/when he reaches out.

 

[Amandatorimeating]

Don't feel bad. I get emotionally attached after sex too, and I've had many previous partners who 'suddenly' lost interest after sleeping with me. It does hurt when you can see the instant change in their vibe. 

Try and ask for another date, find out what's up sort of thing. 

If not, he isn't the one, but there will be lots of men out there who don't treat you like this. 

[Kwothe28]

26 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This has never happened to me, but I wouldn't be.  I would deal with the disappointment, but I would definitely feel hurt and disappointed.

 

I dont think anybody argues that she doesnt have the right to feel dissapointed. Nore that what he did was a particullarly good thing. Just that she engaged in a casual sex activity and involved emotions into it. Which is a recipe for a disaster by itself.

[SooSad33]

31 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think ghosting after sex stinks, but let's wait and see if/when he reaches out.

May not be any ghosting, more like she will hear from him again .. when he wants more. Which, if I am correct, about 3 hours before he wants to meet up again 😕 . This is a FWB.

 

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think anybody argues that she doesnt have the right to feel dissapointed. Nore that what he did was a particullarly good thing. Just that she engaged in a casual sex activity and involved emotions into it.

I agree.. If emotions came into play with this.  HER hopes got dashed, with HIS behaviour towards her. She seems overly into him, and to him it may be just the fact of 'getting lucky'.  Sadly it does happen a lot!

I had a fwb years ago, for maybe half a year.  Thankfully, I never did get emotionally invested in him. So, was able to end it all & move on w/out any issue's.

But, if this is the case, we live & learn.  If this isn't what she wants, she can choose to ignore him next time he tries to contact her.

 

[waffle]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 I think ghosting after sex stinks . . . 

Either way it's a jerk move because it isn't socially acceptable to "dump" someone after sex either so between the two options it's easier (for him) to just disappear.  That way he doesn't have to deal with potential drama.  I'm sure he assumes she'll just get the hint.

Besides, the uncertainty leaves the door open.  If he at some point decides he wants to go there again, he can reach out and use the "I was busy" excuse.

[rainbowsandroses]

41 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Just that she engaged in a casual sex activity and involved emotions into it. Which is a recipe for a disaster by itself.

Not necessarily.  I've had early sex with a couple of long term boyfriends, where my emotions were involved.

It was my choice and I took full responsibility for the outcome no matter which way it went.  I had no expectations per se but I did have hope he would reach out and want to continue what we started. 

Fortunately he did.

My gripe here is more about this (below), which you didn't include in your quote. 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And a bit miffed he didn't have the courtesy to tell me we weren't the right fit or whatever.  

But it's become obvious I am alone in that thinking which is OK.

I mean if he has two brain cells to rub together he has to know OP would be wondering what happened.  And feeling anxious.

Considering again how strong he came on before having sex.  

It's just low imo but nuff said from me. 

Again I'm sorry @MsBlonde.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Well I think he did. Since she told him she was looking for something serious, he could at least let her know that he isn't interested anymore. I can't bear these fading behaviors. Also have to say that often times, after sex happens, a man would be a bit less communicative for 2 or 3 days, because of their hormones, but generally they come back strong once the desire is back. But if really there is nothing at all during three days, better assume he changed his mind. So sorry for you. 

Ive never had distance after sex except on one occasion because I made a mistake by having sex with him and he was never that into me. No one gets a pass to ignore someone based on hormones. Totally fine to say “look I just need a little space - we’re good - I’ll call you tomorrow”. Certainly when I had really bad PMS and physical symptoms I wasn’t great company. I explained why. Because I’m a thoughtful person or try to be. 
Anyway I think if he’d promised they’d be potentially serious and he didn’t desire to look for other women to date and he wanted to continue dating her then whether or not they had sex he should have let her know he changed his mind. But I wasn’t there and the story seemed to expand in additional posts. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

After first time sex?  Yes it was imo and many other women's opinions.

Especially considering how strong he came on before the sex.  Hello. 😀

Anyway, let's see if/when he reaches out. 

If he reaches out today and asks to see her with a plan, I'm open to changing my opinion.

Many people come on strong and then crash and burn sex or no. It’s up to both people to decide whether to watch the feet or the lips. I mostly ignored coming on strong stuff because I preferred a reasonable pace and getting to know someone over a longer period of time. So if he came on strong in a pushy way I might just walk away. If he came on strong but was respectful when I reacted with less intensity - like putting the brakes on too many calls or too many dates right away then we were good. Both people who are reasonably healthy single adults always have the choice as to how to react to the new person whether he’s coming on strong or not or she is. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Many people come on strong and then crash and burn sex or no. 

I understand that and have no issue if that's what happened.

Just let her know that's all, versus disappearing/ghosting, which again is my only gripe. 

If roles were reversed, I'd never just disappear after being sexually intimate with a man.

Again, it's low and reflects very poor character imo. 

I have friends who do this too, before and after sex. Since it's the man who typically pursues, they Ignore a man's calls and texts inviting her out again.

I don't agree with that either!  

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just let her know that's all, 

Let her know what, exactly? No one said he's not interested. 3 days is only an eternity for the very anxious and insecure, especially after 3 dates . If she wants to know for sure, she can ask him out and see what he says.

Some of this seems like a self fulfilling prophecy with zero evidence so far that he's some pump and dump cad.

. "If I have sex he'll dump me". If people say this to themselves long enough, they'll start believing it.  

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Let her know what, exactly? No one said he's not interested. 3 days is only an eternity for the very anxious and insecure, especially after 3 dates . If she wants to know for sure, she can ask him out and see what he says.

Some of this seems like a self fulfilling prophecy with zero evidence so far that he's some pump and dump cad.

. "If I have sex he'll dump me". If people say this to themselves long enough, they'll start believing it.  

Fair enough, as I said let's wait and see.  @MsBlonde check back with us in a week. 

I'm willing to change my opinion if you hear from him.

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It was my choice and I took full responsibility for the outcome no matter which way it went.

Exactly. It was your risk to have a casual sex with somebody who maybe just wanted that. If it went awry, it would also be a part of that risk. Dont really think others disagree with that. At least I am not.

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My gripe here is more about this (below), which you didn't include in your quote. 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But again, I did said about how I think nobody does thinks that, if he did indeed "ghosted" her, he would be in the right and do good. And that ofcourse it would be way better if he was honest from the start or honest after that. I mean I am sometimes "literal" and harsher in my wording, but trully dont think "ghosting" is OK and that she somehow deserved it. Its just that, it was her who took the risk of that might happen after she invited him to her place and had sex. Without him(as far as we know) ever indicating that he wants more. Again, I would maybe have different opinion if OP clarified situation more and that it turns out that he promised her a relationship or something. Most she said is that she said to him that she wants a relationship. Which again is a classic case of OPs on Forum and thinking how just because they said they are not looking for a hookup, other person isnt looking for it either. And its sad that it happens. But that is why I am advocating for not taking so much risks with people who you dont really know. Because things like this happen a lot. Especially in a todays hookup culture.

[MsBlonde]

I do really appreciate everyone’s input on this even if some comments are a little hard to hear I know I put myself in this position. After reading some I just want to confirm even on the morning he left he was very affectionate towards me and (next day) he did message saying he can’t wait to see me again. He made many suggestions even after ‘sex’ that he wanted a weekend away together to explore and do some fun activities. The messages just dried up after that, my open questions were just left with closed answers and now I’m left confused. 
Yes, he didn’t owe me anything, we weren’t in a relationship but surely it was building towards ‘something’? I made it clear my intentions were to build something and not just have a one night stand.

A simple message to say ‘I’m sorry, it’s not for me’ would have sufficed. I would move on and just accept that. Instead I’m left feeling confused and  now anxious to even date again. That’s sucks.

il keep you updated if anything changes but for now thanks for your help, It means a lot.
 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, MsBlonde said:

 he did message saying he can’t wait to see me again. He made many suggestions even after ‘sex’ that he wanted a weekend away together to explore and do some fun activities. 

Please don't feel bad or like you've done anything wrong. This age old question has always been there.

 

[Capricorn3]

I could be wrong but me thinks he'll be back when he wants more (sex).

OP, you say: ...... "I made it clear my intentions were to build something and not just have a one night stand."  - May I ask, how and when did you bring up this topic?  What exactly did he reply that that?

[MsBlonde]

13 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I could be wrong but me thinks he'll be back when he wants more (sex).

OP, you say: ...... "I made it clear my intentions were to build something and not just have a one night stand."  - May I ask, how and when did you bring up this topic?  What exactly did he reply that that?

We spoke for about 3 weeks on the phone most days before meeting and I was clear with him then that I was looking for something long term, to which he agreed. I wasn’t pushing this on him but he asked and i was open and truthful. Even on our first and second date it was reiterated, and again, after meeting me in person and spending time together he wanted that too. 
I thought we were on the same path. 

If he does message again indicating it is just sex I think I’ve heard enough (and feel)  this isn’t the man for me and il be an adult and reply to him, politely declining. 

[MsBlonde]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't feel bad or like you've done anything wrong. This age old question has always been there.

 

Not this one sadly! Great song though! Thanks ☺️ 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I understand that and have no issue if that's what happened.

Just let her know that's all, versus disappearing/ghosting, which again is my only gripe. 

If roles were reversed, I'd never just disappear after being sexually intimate with a man.

Again, it's low and reflects very poor character imo. 

I have friends who do this too, before and after sex. Since it's the man who typically pursues, they Ignore a man's calls and texts inviting her out again.

I don't agree with that either!  

 

Oh.  That's never happened to me since we were already exclusive/serious so one of us was going to be in touch of course.  I don't think sex obligates contact at all.  Unless there's a specific reason like an STD exposure or pregnancy scare.  I certainly kissed/hooked up with men on a second or third date who never called again -I figured because they didn't want to go on another date - but we shared intimate kisses - that didn't change anything if they didn't promise to call or make another plan.

I don't think the OP did anything wrong unless she was dishonest with herself about expectations.  Then it's not "wrong" just something to consider next time.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MsBlonde said:

We spoke for about 3 weeks on the phone most days before meeting and I was clear with him then that I was looking for something long term, to which he agreed. I wasn’t pushing this on him but he asked and i was open and truthful. Even on our first and second date it was reiterated, and again, after meeting me in person and spending time together he wanted that too. 
I thought we were on the same path. 

If he does message again indicating it is just sex I think I’ve heard enough (and feel)  this isn’t the man for me and il be an adult and reply to him, politely declining. 

Oh so you two agreed to be exclusively dating before you had sex or just talked about general relationship goals? Can't he just decide he doesn't want to be serious with you? I don't think talking before makes a bit of difference - I look at the number of in person dates -you met and then went out on two dates, right? I'd avoid all the talking before because I think you had some emotional investment even though for all practical purposes he was a stranger.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think sex obligates contact

I don't think sex obligates contact either.. I've always disliked that word "obligates" anyway.  

It's a kind and courteous thing to do especially after being sexually intimate for the first time in light of how the OP explained their relationship/situationship before sex. 

If you or others think otherwise, I can respect that. 

 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't think sex "obligates" contact either.. It's a kind and courteous thing to do especially after being sexually intimate for the first time in light of how the OP explained their relationship/situationship before sex. 

If you or others think otherwise, I can respect that. 

 

I always preferred not to be contacted if he wasn't into me.  I am uncertain about how the OP described it -seems to me they discussed general goals, he said he was looking for long term so did she but I'm waiting to hear if he said he wanted to be exclusive and potentially long term with her before they had sex - or if she asked for this.  Otherwise I wrote what I thought above.  With almost every man I went out with more than twice we discussed general goals.  I never went on a first real date after a meet or a future date if we weren't on the same page generally. I never ever assumed that meant he thought we could get serious  -that remained to be seen -and spoken about I guess at the appropriate time.

Many many times I've heard and read women regret having casual sex and then say they were used.  Perhaps the OP was - so far it's not my impression. I don't think it's nice or kind at all to blame men when it's typically regrets about sex too soon when the man decides he doesn't want to go on another date (or go on any date at all if it's a one night stand).  I see she is just asking if she was used -not maligning him -but I've certainly seen that and to me it's really unfair.