Reasons to Stay Single...

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

For me the good thing about being single right now is that I can fully enjoy my routine and don't have to take into consideration someone else and what they want to do.

I have an activity almost every evening after work (dance class, language class) or I go out with my friends.

Sure, there are moments I feel lonely but right now I think I'm sort of protective of my happiness and this routine that I've built.

I totally get that. I have to get up before 5 most days if I want to keep to the routine that keeps me sane. I do it and it means I've all but stopped going out at night -which I did regularly for 25 plus years.  And even with that -even with my waking up at that crazy hour my husband had to sign on to being woken up briefly when I leave the house to go work out every morning. He did and does and I make sure to reciprocate quietly so it feels more fair.

  If I were single and lived alone I'd be freer to come and go.  I have to check in with him and he with me because of childcare, carpool, etc - it's a pain sometimes.  I get frustrated with the amount he travels as that disturbs my routine.  But much of this has nothing to do with marriage but with parenting.  

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you so much, and that's what I do or try to do - "ride it out."  I do yoga and sometimes meditate to remain calm. 

Anyway, he will be here in a few and I'm sure when I see him everything will be fine.

It's just that we're at this "in between" stage (not casual but not serious) and we haven't discussed being exclusive.

It's so funny I'm always screaming about how I 'embrace uncertainty' blah blah LOL.

But I'm very into this man so not embracing it so much now..

Anyway, thanks again and congrats on 30 years married!  💛

Enjoy the date! Enjoy being into him! I really really love your self-honesty.  I'm forced kicking and screaming to give uncertainty a big fat hug all the time and sometimes -ok more than sometimes -it's a good kick in my behind to get me out of my comfort zone.  Recently experienced that kick on our 9 day/6 hotel adventure out west.  

Hopefully you two will be on the same page about future intentions.  

[Seraphim]

If something happened with me and my husband or to him I would never remarry because the quiet and solitude would be great. It would just be me and my son and we are both very quiet. No more co operating about a vast majority of stuff. I have never been alone . I went from home to married.

Plus I don’t feel many men would want to live with my adult son. 
 

I also adore my husband and don’t feel I would find another like him. 

[Kwothe28]

Not everyone is suppose to get married and have a relationships. I had a 96 year old neighbour that died few years ago. She never married and didnt had kids. When she retired, she found a companionship and moved to an elderly man home in a village close to Capital. But when he couldnt take care of himself anymore, his sons moved him to an elderly facility and she got back in my neighbourhood where she was until she died. Anyway, she was an extremely selfish person. The man who she was with, had a patience of the Saint. He wanted to surprise her on her birthday and his son took him from retirement home so he could come to see her. Anyway, you know what she said? "Why didnt you bring me pork roast? You know I enjoy pork roast". And she wasnt even joking about that, she was more annoyed that he didnt bring her favorite food then that she was happy to see him. 

Anyway, my point is, people like that shouldnt go for companionship in any form. As the other person, no matter how they try, is just a detriment to them. Who got used to live alone and do whatever they want. Other person is suppose to complement your life and adds value. And to people like my late neighbour, it did no such thing.

I also think that mental and physical health get overblown sometimes. Yes, they are important. But you are not required to be perfectly fit or zen master so you would have a relationship. Its important that you dont be messed up so you wouldnt probably attract other messed up people. So its important to be in a good state of mind. But people often overblow that and use that as an excuse. Same for example with work and other issues. You are suppose to balance some stuff. And nothing ever is going to go that perfectly in order most of the times. So are you suppose to stay single forever then? So again, lots of people use that as an excuse not to put themselves out there.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

I also think that mental and physical health get overblown sometimes. Yes, they are important. But you are not required to be perfectly fit or zen master so you would have a relationship. Its important that you dont be messed up so you wouldnt probably attract other messed up people. So its important to be in a good state of mind. But people often overblow that and use that as an excuse. Same for example with work and other issues. You are suppose to balance some stuff. And nothing ever is going to go that perfectly in order most of the times. So are you suppose to stay single foreve then? So again, lots of people use that as an excuse not to put themselves out there.

I agree and totally agree marriage and family or marriage or having kids is not for everyone at all.  And not because of impacts on physical or mental health.  Just because.

[Jaunty]

19 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Agreed. I think it is more written by a person who doesn’t want a relationship and finds them cumbersome. 

Or maybe even is trying to justify not having a relationship when they would secretly like to be in one.  

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Or maybe even is trying to justify not having a relationship when they would secretly like to be in one.  

You never know. 

[boltnrun]

I'm currently choosing not to pursue a romantic relationship. I was married years ago and have previously been in steady relationships (ranging between two-ish years and four years each). But I am not currently interested in dating or forming a relationship.

I am interested in making new friends so that's my next goal. 

[LootieTootie]

One of our local bookstores in downtown have a whole aisle dedicated to living or being alone, haha. I then met the bookstore owner and yes, he was a single old guy! Jolly fella.

Any way, I do think there are some people who prefer being single and see relationships as distraction or unnecessary to happiness and they will write about the pros of being single. But there are pros and cons to both side. 

 

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 1/14/2024 at 7:54 PM, LootieTootie said:

One of our local bookstores in downtown have a whole aisle dedicated to living or being alone, haha.

That's the first time I've heard of a bookstore having an aisle like that.  Is it labeled as such or are they mixed in with the psychology or wellness books? 

[mylolita]

Evening rainbows! 
 

I don’t know your history or what you are after in the short and long term! But the article sounds, to me, as if being in a relationship is like this tepid give or take thing that can be compared to laying in and slobbing around the house or being able to freely hit the gym when you like!

 

To me; I’m probably extremely romantic for this day and age, but if I’m personally in a relationship, it was always for marriage, and it wasn’t to explore or date or get to know a guy and wait and see.

 

I never dated and I have never really even been single for any part of my adult life. I’m not religious but up to the age of 18, I had never had a boyfriend, never accepted dates and never even kissed a guy. I was waiting for The One! I found my husband when I was 18. First kiss and first everything, we got engaged after moving in together pretty much straight away; could not be parted, and I was married by time I was 24. We’ve been together 15 years and have 3 kids, I just turned 34. 


All I can add is to me, a relationship and dating should be something that has an end goal for both involved. It’s either be in it for the forever, marriage etc or just be casual. To me personally, there is no inbetween. 

 

But!!! The article reminds me a little bit of similar articles that try to weigh up the pros and cons of having kids. And people lamenting about all the things they can’t do once they have babies. Missing the club, or not being able to indulge your every whim, is frankly the smallest, most insignificant price to pay for what is an earth shattering miracle and life changing experience. The same applies to finding the love of your life. So you used to be able to do… whatever it was on a whim, and now you have to take into consideration someone else? Isn’t that a beautiful thing to be cherished? That someone now matters more than you? That you care for someone now more than you care for yourself?

 

I have to say, you can happily have both worlds if you meet the right person, or your “soul mate”. I like alone time, and we’ve known each other long enough that at least one of the weekend days, my husband takes all three kids out with him and I get at minimum half the day to myself. I often don’t do nothing in that time but still, that’s part of my solitude time I need to have. Is this something that would make me lament not being married? Of course not! 
 

The person you end up being with hopefully would die for you 1000 times over. They will be with you until the end. A little compromise and a little change in lifestyle is the least we can all do for the person that has shown us the true beauty of love! 
 

Love is scary. It’s sometimes painful and desperately sad. For to love someone truly, is to know fear - you fear the day comes when you have to be without them. Because they complete you. And you need them! And needing someone is scary, but also, transcending. It’s okay to need someone. In fact, I’d argue it’s essential. And to have someone need you back just as much! 
 

I can see where the article is maybe eluding - if you could tally pros and cons up like that, but I don’t know a true and loving relationship can be compared like that. 
 

If you exercise, the right guy will arrange your time and his time so that you can do that, and you will align in your dreams and principles. It’s about supporting each other and helping each other with what they need. If anything, the right relationship only emphasises you, when running at it’s best.

 

I’ve had hard times with my husband - we’ve been through financial risk, three babies all within 4 years. The lack of sleep, all of it while he tries to run a business. But we still absolutely adore each other, and can’t keep our hands off each other! So it can be done, I just know it. I think back and wonder what I sacrificed for my marriage, and I can’t think of one darn thing! If anything, he’s opened doors for me in ways I couldn’t imagine! 
 

With the right person you can do anything. For me, it’s not a case of having to leave things behind, it’s becoming a team; and doing it all as two becoming one! I know that sounds corny, but I think there is truth in it. 
 

What did I do when I was 18 before I met him? Long walks in wedge heels skipping college? Moping around? Laying in? I do all that now and plenty - LOL! You don’t have to change or change what you do or like. The right guy won’t want you too! 
 

x

[mylolita]

On 1/14/2024 at 5:12 PM, Kwothe28 said:

Not everyone is suppose to get married and have a relationships. I had a 96 year old neighbour that died few years ago. She never married and didnt had kids. When she retired, she found a companionship and moved to an elderly man home in a village close to Capital. But when he couldnt take care of himself anymore, his sons moved him to an elderly facility and she got back in my neighbourhood where she was until she died. Anyway, she was an extremely selfish person. The man who she was with, had a patience of the Saint. He wanted to surprise her on her birthday and his son took him from retirement home so he could come to see her. Anyway, you know what she said? "Why didnt you bring me pork roast? You know I enjoy pork roast". And she wasnt even joking about that, she was more annoyed that he didnt bring her favorite food then that she was happy to see him. 

Anyway, my point is, people like that shouldnt go for companionship in any form. As the other person, no matter how they try, is just a detriment to them. Who got used to live alone and do whatever they want. Other person is suppose to complement your life and adds value. And to people like my late neighbour, it did no such thing.

I also think that mental and physical health get overblown sometimes. Yes, they are important. But you are not required to be perfectly fit or zen master so you would have a relationship. Its important that you dont be messed up so you wouldnt probably attract other messed up people. So its important to be in a good state of mind. But people often overblow that and use that as an excuse. Same for example with work and other issues. You are suppose to balance some stuff. And nothing ever is going to go that perfectly in order most of the times. So are you suppose to stay single forever then? So again, lots of people use that as an excuse not to put themselves out there.

I agree with this so much Kwothe! 
 

There is no perfect state to get too - it will never come. Perfect body, perfect weight, perfect age, perfect savings, perfect career and perfection house then phew! Yes! We can date now! 
 

I think in matters of the heart, it has nothing much to do with the head! It’s best to jump in and go with your feelings! 
 

I think list making and thinking in a pro and con way is the exact opposite to manifesting true love, contentment, authenticity and happiness in our lives! 
 

@rainbowsandroses - I am taking from your posts you would like your new man to make the move and ask you to be exclusive? 
 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

@mylolita, we are exclusive.  We've both been pretty much exclusive since after our first date, we just never discussed or confirmed.

After yesterday's discussion on the forum about having the exclusivity talk, last night I confirmed it in a lighthearted way. 💛

The reason for my uncertainty last week was because we ran into a bump in the road a couple of weeks ago.  He had been pushing, I backed away (fear), then HE backed away which left me feeling scared (of losing him) and uncertain.

It was when HE backed away, I realized how very into him I am!

When we saw each other that night, we talked and resolved it!  And grew closer as a result.

So everything's cool, we had a great time last night and he's stopping by today around 4:00ish for dinner.😍

[LootieTootie]

21 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

That's the first time I've heard of a bookstore having an aisle like that.  Is it labeled as such or are they mixed in with the psychology or wellness books? 

Yes, I think it was a bit of both. There were so biographies of famous people who lived on their own too.

I just looked this bookstore up and sadly it closed two years ago. I assumed due to covid.

[mylolita]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@mylolita, we are exclusive.  We've both been pretty much exclusive since after our first date, we just never discussed or confirmed.

After yesterday's discussion on the forum about having the exclusivity talk, last night I confirmed it in a lighthearted way. 💛

The reason for my uncertainty last week was because we ran into a bump in the road a couple of weeks ago.  He had been pushing, I backed away (fear), then HE backed away which left me feeling scared (of losing him) and uncertain.

It was when HE backed away, I realized how very into him I was!

When we saw each other that night, we talked and resolved it!  And grew closer as a result.

So everything's cool, we had a great time last night and he's stopping by today around 4:00ish for dinner.😍

Ahh okay! 
 

I think with this site being mostly American, I can easily get confused! Exclusivity means, you are his girlfriend, he is your boyfriend? That is how it is generally here in England! 
 

Do you find you maybe get nervous and over think rainbows, and that makes you back away maybe? 
 

Glad everything is working out and sounds fabulous! 
 

Can I be nosey and ask how old you both are rainbows? Do you want children in the future? Has he been married before? Would you get married again? 
 

x

[Sindy_0311]

So glad things are going well with your guy.😍

I guess @mylolita said it perfectly when she mentioned children.  I once read a survey about parents. It appears that people who have children are less happy in general than people who don't. I guess it has to do with the anxiety, the concern and the lack of liberty you get once you become a parent. But just one second of joy or love with your child is so much more important, this is the moment you feel truly ALIVE, even if not 100% happy. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Do you find you maybe get nervous and over think rainbows, and that makes you back away maybe? 

Not typically, but with him I did because I recently ended my marriage where things moved much too quickly, we married after only 6 months, and I felt rushed into it.

Not blaming my ex, I take full responsibility for my own choices.  

But when my current guy began pushing (which is how I viewed it due to fear), I pulled back. 

Not my best moment, that's for sure!!

We are both in our 30s, me mid-30s and him late 30s.

No he's never been married and we are both open to having kids someday if that's where our relationship leads. 😀

[mylolita]

Apologies for asking all these questions rainbows! Sometimes it helps to get a bit of a bigger picture of someone’s relationship history and what they want for their life etc. 

 

For some reason I wrongly thought you were older! I think it was purely because you mentioned you were divorced and I presumed you were older due to having been married before! Were you married long can I ask? 
 

6 months is very fast! The boy was keen! 
 

I’m all for knowing when you know - it could be 6 months for some, but normally, that is very fast. From that, I can see why you are maybe wanting to take things at an easier pace! 
 

It sounds like everything is going really well! 
 

x

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So glad things are going well with your guy.😍

I guess @mylolita said it perfectly when she mentioned children.  I once read a survey about parents. It appears that people who have children are less happy in general than people who don't. I guess it has to do with the anxiety, the concern and the lack of liberty you get once you become a parent. But just one second of joy or love with your child is so much more important, this is the moment you feel truly ALIVE, even if not 100% happy. 

I saw that too.  It does not apply to me and my husband.  I agree with you and I know of people who would be far far less happy as parents.

[mylolita]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I saw that too.  It does not apply to me and my husband.  I agree with you and I know of people who would be far far less happy as parents.

I guess the catch 22 is, you’ll never know if you’d be completed and happy as a parent until you are a parent - but you can’t take it back and change your mind once you are! 
 

I feel us humans thrive when we find something that is bigger and more important than ourselves - true love, children, a cause; these are all things that transcend ourselves and give us something more than the superficial and mundane aspects of life. I think a lot of us are the most content, and fulfilled, when we have something to live and fight for that is bigger than ourselves.

 

x

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I guess the catch 22 is, you’ll never know if you’d be completed and happy as a parent until you are a parent - but you can’t take it back and change your mind once you are! 
 

I feel us humans thrive when we find something that is bigger and more important than ourselves - true love, children, a cause; these are all things that transcend ourselves and give us something more than the superficial and mundane aspects of life. I think a lot of us are the most content, and fulfilled, when we have something to live and fight for that is bigger than ourselves.

 

x

I knew.  I knew why I knew.  Sure there was a remote possibility I wouldn't be but it was negligible like the sky could fall in.  I knew based on years of experience as an Aunt, a teacher ,a nanny a babysitter and hanging out with my friends who started having kids over a dozen years before I did.  I knew from a very young age.  I also didn't have expectations of being blissfully happy or being completed.  And yes - children, a cause, true love -loving as giving - oh yes.

[mylolita]

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/08/tracey-emin-has-chosen-art-over-kids-but-life-doesnt-need-to-be-that-black-and-white
 

Just to add the the discussion rainbows, I realise this is comparing a woman’s passion and career vs children, but I think the same kind of pros and cons have been drawn up in people’s minds regarding serious marriage and long term partnerships vs life passions, goals and career.

 

Also to add, being British myself like Tracy Emin, I am not a fan of her work. My taste is much more traditional. But I found it an interesting article when I read it because of her reasons. She eludes to the concept of, not being able to have both. As if children (or you could say a relationship) would only distract and take away, rob her, of her drive and creativity and art. 
 

There have been people who are artists who have had children, and others who have not. Van Gogh springs to mind for me personally as an absolute isolated, ultra sensitive lone wolf. I’m not sure whether he would have produced what he did without his inner demons, and isolation, and borderline insanity of drive and impulse to put his brush to canvas. 
 

You see business owners who have families and wives or husbands - to what extent does this hinder or help the enterprise? 
 

From my own experience; I know my husband took the most risks in business and finance before we had our children. There was less to loose and much less responsibility. You look back before children and realise just how springs detached you were, and how great a responsibility it is once you have them. Gambling savings or making bold career moves that out where you live in jeopardy isn’t so cute once you have a family to think of and support. I know he has reeled back his hours now as well, and doesn’t like to be away from us and the kids as much anymore. 
 

How this affects people once they get into relationships and the other areas of their lives I am not fully sure - it probably depends so much on the individual. It helps if the person you shack up with has similar lifestyles and life goals to you; then there need be much less sacrifice and change! 
 

Interested to see what others think! 
 

I have done all sorts of wild things whilst being engaged and married! If you have a partner in crime who’s in your same wave length; I don’t think the joy has to stop! Or your independence; thinking, private practices or drive or hobbies or creativity at all! 
 

x

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, mylolita said:

How this affects people once they get into relationships and the other areas of their lives I am not fully sure - it probably depends so much on the individual. It helps if the person you shack up with has similar lifestyles and life goals to you; then there need be much less sacrifice and change! 

I think it's very individual with this in common (meaning a commonality with some exceptions).  People who want to have kids for the right reasons -to me this is a desire to act in the best interests of a child as opposed to just "I wanna be a mommy!" or "babies are soooo cute" are motivated to do what it takes -that might mean relocating, taking a different job, taking another job, sacrificing or modifying certain career related dreams or academic dreams (like for example a job that requires lots of overseas travel), sacrificing a certain financial lifestyle.  Etc. 

I see this ALL the time.  I did it too.  I relocated for the first time in 43 years, I left my career for 7 years, I returned only part time at a lower level, etc.  My husband does business trips differently- arranging flights to maximize time at home and to be consistent with our son's schedule, etc.  I don't travel anymore.    

By contrast I know of -and respect -many people who choose to delay having children to finish school, attain ___ in their career, travel the world without the added complications of having a baby in tow, and those who put kids low on the priority list including because they are married to their career, their art, their extended family, whatever.

I know of many women who do what I did more than full time for 15 years pre-kids -with kids.  I respect that.  I know it's not for me.  I knew that going in.  It's minor but I remember 7 or 8 years ago my friend and neighbor had an infant and an older one at preschool. Infant had pneumonia.  She and her husband worked full time and traveled -go getters. 

Sometimes they met grandparents at airports in another city to hand over the kids.  Friend had a crucial 1 hour conference call. She asked me if I could come down and hold her son in the other room if he woke up.  I wasn't working so I said yes. 

The baby could not be soothed (because it turned out he also had an ear infection) but I tried and held him for that hour and walked him back and forth and we all got through it.  I could never live that way. Not being judgey -just know me and I could never have this level of risk that I'd need to have a last minute friend come over in that situation.  I'm thrilled I could help a little.  She was a rising superstar and she chose to juggle because she wanted kids that badly and was a really good mom -still is. So I think that's the common ground - a shifting and choice of priorities.