I think I’m neurodivergent and my life is getting harder and harder

[Eleanorrr]

Hey everyone hope this ok to post, I just wondered if anyone had any experience or advice in regards to getting seen either by NHS or private and having an ADHD and autism assessment as an adult and if anyone with these can relate. 

I am in my late twenties and i am certain I have ADHD and possibly autism. My whole life I have struggled with sleeping, eating, concentration, anxiety, depression, speaking to people and making friends (for the first 6 years of my life I was a selective mute and no friends at school), always felt like the odd one out of my friend groups, I have had many friends in my teenage years but I feel like no one ever really knew the real me as I was always a people pleaser and just wanted to be liked and to have a friendship group and used to pretend to be like them. I used to be such a party girl. It’s only in recent years since covid really that I’ve noticed how much I struggle compared to everyone else to just cope with life in general. I feel like since covid I have regressed and lost any social ability or skills in general that I did gain throughout my teenage years and I can’t even imagine going on nights out now and using up all that energy talking to people all night long, or even for an hour or two.

This has even filtered into my work life, I look back at when I was a teenager/early twenties and I would work full time with a very busy socially demanding job (waitressing) and I look back now and it’s like honestly how on earth did I do that. How did I not get burnt out? I worked way more hours, even a second job at one point working double shifts, had more friends, just more demanding and busier life in general. My job now is still social (more one on one) but it’s not as demanding and also a lot more creative which I love, but it’s only now that I’ve got a more serious job that I notice how much I struggle with actually coping with work life, I don’t know how to describe what I mean but it’s like I’ve gotten a better job that I love and have worked hard to get but my god I struggle more than ever before because it’s a more serious role and there’s more that I could mess up and way more responsibilities to keep on top of weekly. I crumble a lot of the time, have full on meltdowns in the morning and end up having to make something totally crazy up so that I don’t have to go in and I will then spend all day under my duvet in bed crying and not being able to decide what to eat and not being able to function. Like there’s absolutely no way when I feel like that that I would be able to just put it to one side and cope at work for the rest of the day. 

I struggle with eating everyday and over the last couple years I have lost so much weight. I don’t have an eating disorder it’s the deciding what to eat. It’s become harder over the last few years as I realise now that when I was younger and working in hospitality I used to get a free meal at work everyday for years on my breaks and there was also a constant flow of spare food to pick from all day and so I wouldn’t have to decide as much which meant I didn’t get worked up over it. I absolutely love food, it sucks and reduces me to tears most days. It makes me feel incapable of just adult life and like a complete failure. 

Studying at college for what I do now a couple years ago was absolute hell, that’s when I really noticed how much harder I was finding it all that other students, but I stuck at it as I had never stuck at any career or interests my whole life and I was desperate to feel worthy of something and be good at at least something. I honestly don’t know how I even completed the course it was again just meltdown after meltdown and I didn’t enjoy college at all and it gave me so much anxiety and I made no friends from it whatsoever. Everyone seemed to gel together except me. There was only one girl that had time for me and that was because she also struggled to intergrate herself into the class as she didn’t speak as much English and couldn’t communicate as well.  

Over the last couple years of my life seeming to get increasingly harder to cope with, it’s meant that I have lost what I thought were my two longest friends, one of them lost her patience with me last year calling me embarrassing and an awful friend on top of so much hurtful stuff for me not wanting to and also not having the money to go on nights out as much anymore, and the other friend just followed in her footsteps when I tried to reach out to them both multiple times and she ghosted me after I poured my heart out to her. I would always try and make other plans other than going on nights out with them like a nice meal or something or I offer for them to come over and I cook for them but they weren’t interested. I just mentally and physically haven’t got it in me to go on nights out anymore I always get overstimulated and don’t have fun and I couldn’t keep up with them anymore. On top of that i have been the poorest I’ve ever been in my adult life the past couple or years with going back to college and starting out in a new career, so I wasn’t able to meet up as many times as what the other two did. We would go on nights out in cities we aren’t from and they would run away and ditch me for boys they had met, and then gaslight me the next day into it never happening and that I was being dramatic. We were best friends of 15 years and it hurts so much. I miss them but I know they aren’t good for me as I never did anything to them for them to turn on me except from just go through a hard time. It’s like they paired up against me and just decided they hated me one day. I would never make them feel uncomfortable or put any of my life stresses on them, one reason being because I don’t like to burden anyone and secondly because as I never felt I could talk to them about it as they were never ‘emotional’ friends that I could open up to or cry to like that. But they knew I was having a hard time as I did communicate this to them and tried to explain why I didn’t want to do nights out and drinking anymore. We became friends in our teenage years when we loved to go out and party together and I think we just got older and I was still trying to cling onto the friendships as I loved them both and valued all our years of laughs and trips away and parties and stuff and I thought it meant more to them and me than just going out and getting wasted. I could also tell towards the end of our friendship that they would laugh behind my back and the more weakness I displayed was more fuel for them to have a good laugh. This was confirmed after seeing on one of their phones when they were looking for something scrolling that they had been sending pictures of me to one another over WhatsApp and laughing at my latest posts etc. It absolutely broke my heart as it was like I had struggled my whole life to make lasting friendships and I had finally got two mates who I thought cared about me as we were friends for so long and they just ditched me out of nowhere when I didn’t fit in with their lives anymore and I wasn’t fun to them anymore. I would go above and beyond for them and anyone in our group, I was never once toxic to them, made them feel awkward about my personal struggles, never put anything on them, if anything looking back now I would pretend that I was more ok than what I was all the time because I just wanted to be like them and to be their friend. Since losing the them it’s meant that I have now lost my whole friendship group that used to come out with us, I have had to leave group chats etc which has meant that the mutual friends we did have I never see anymore as I would only ever see them if they invited me out to something, I never really used to hang out with the others one on one like I did with those and so it doesn’t feel natural to try and force friendships when no one has bothered with me since we fell out. I am lonely and never see people anymore. 

I am at a point now where everything should be good, I have a career for the first time in my life, I have a loving and caring boyfriend who wants a future with me (god knows why or what he sees). But I still feel so behind everyone I know in the sense that I feel much younger than I am due to feeling behind my whole life, I feel like the child of the group in all situations, I doubt my abilities in everything I do, can’t make decisions with even minor things like deciding what to wear or eat to the point I just give up and have a meltdown, no true confidence (it’s all faked) and I feel like so much has become so much harder in recent years the older I get. My feelings are amplified at like 10000% and always been super emotional, overly empathetic about everything and everyone. I’ve always been ‘scatty’ as people call me and ‘all over the place’ but the recent years it has really started to affect my life dramatically to the point where I can’t ignore it anymore. I forget to take my contraceptive pill, I forgot to make notes of anything I need to do or appointments I need to go to, I put things off that would take me two seconds to sort out until it piles up and then unable to keep on top of everything, my timekeeping has always been horrific I don’t know how I’ve ever kept my previous jobs. I am the most unrelaiable employee as I always get my days mixed up and turn up for wrong shifts, my whole life is a constant struggle and to everyone else it just makes me look stupid and ditzy. When I meet new people I ramble on and on and I can even tell in the moment I’m talking to much but I can’t seem to shut up and then I spend the rest of my day cringing out so hard at myself and all the stupid things I said. I just try to make people laugh and want to be liked and don’t want anyone to be annoyed at me. I make myself look so stupid compared to how smart I truly am. I have a lot of intelligence up there but no way of portraying that as who I am. I come across like I’m a totally unorganised idiotic mess and I feel it’s just easier to just carry on letting everyone think I’m ditzy and stupid as that’s what they’ve always known me as. I have so much wasted potential. I am still living at home with parents, got no savings whatsoever or anyway to manage my money. I am so behind. I constantly end up in situations that could of been avoided. These are basic things that should be easy but they are not for me and make me feel so dumb. I cry everyday I can’t remember the last time I didn’t. 

 I feel like my whole life has changed, I thought I knew who I was years ago but I really don’t, I feel like I’m slowly stripping layers of my life back and eveything is making more sense but getting way harder to cope with. I wish I didn’t think so much constantly. I think i am struggling with a mixture of neurodivergencies and also depression/anxiety as a result of everything. I also have some trauma from childhood from ages 7-14 of severe emotional abuse. 

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make much sense as I feel like my mind is jumping from one thing to the other and sorry to anyone that has read all of this i know it must seem like a lot I just can’t articulate myself very well, this has taken me almost 5 hours to write 😭 I just want to know if anyone else is having similar struggles and what you have done in regards to getting assessed as I know there is such a long wait lit’s for things like this. Or even if there is any counselling anyone can point me in the direction of. I desperately need to talk to someone about this. 

Thank you 🫶🏼

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much!

[boltnrun]

There are professionals who specialize in disorganized personality types. I would start there. Perhaps your parents can help you find a center or a provider who can get you started. Pinpointing what the cause of your issues is can help with creating a plan to help you manage whatever is causing your life to be unsettled. Medication may be a great help although it's up to the professionals to help you decide this (please do not self medicate with alcohol or cannabis).

I hope you're able to find a solution that will help you feel better. 

[Seraphim]

My husband FINALLY got a second diagnosis of ADHD at 54. He got his first one at 30 but chose to ignore  it . He finally had to address his neurology when his life and career were coming to a screeching hault. Now my husband is on Concerta and doing fabulous and he no longer has the extreme mental health issues he was suffering in the past two years. His confidence is boosted by 1000%. 
 

Our son is Autistic, also professionally diagnosed at 17. We paid for private assessment. I am Canadian so I’m not sure how it would work for you.
 

I believe myself to be neurodivergent as well, but , I am fine with not seeking professional assessment. If you believe you would benefit, I would suggest asking your GP how to go about it.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Eleanorrr said:

. I forget to take my contraceptive pill, I forgot to make notes of anything I need to do or appointments I need to go to.

Sorry this is happening. Do you get your prescriptions from your physician? Please ask for a referral to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.  Please look into your health insurance and see how to book an appointment for an evaluation. Please see if this helps:

https://111.nhs.uk/

[Kwothe28]

I dont like "self- diagnosis". Read something interesting yesterday. And how one woman said to therapist how she thinks she has autism. Therapist said how she is her 5th this week with autism. Do you know why? Because apparently Tik Tok is promoting stuff about autism so if you go into that algorhytm you can hear a lot of inaccurate informations about it. As less then 30% of it is factually true.

If you have something you can go to medical professionals to establish it and get you into proper medical treatment. I am sorry your life is the way it is. But you need a proper medical opinion about it, not your speculations. We can discuss whether it is or isnt like that, but without a proper psychological tests, its useless. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. You are in excellent company, as many people who may have presented as minor on a given spectrum during pre-Covid years now find themselves far deeper into moderate or severe struggles.

Does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? It pays for a few confidential sessions with a provider of your choice (listed as participating). Review your employee handbook or ask your HR department. One of the providers can assess you and raise some options for you to consider.

Otherwise, you may want to contact the human services department of your local hospital for a referral to a provider who can assess you. It's better if you just present the symptoms you've described to us rather than attempt to self-diagnose prior to being assessed.

You are welcome to continue writing here if it helps. You might want to use this thread to update us as you explore this quest for a diagnosis with professionals.

I'm so sorry that your so-called friends turned out to be such jerks. If it's any comfort, even some of the closest friendships can diverge, at some point, even while they reunite later after each have addressed their priorities and have grown into a more compatible focus. You may find that both or one of these women may mature into owning a conscience, at which point they may reflect and be horrified by their mistreatment of you. Understand, their behavior is a reflection on themselves, not you. They are ugly ducklings, and they'll need to reconcile that within themselves one day.

Head high, honey, and we're here if you want to write.

[Jaunty]

I'm really sorry you're going through so much pain and frustration.