Merry Christmas text received from ex-(dumper)

[Chloe2218]

Hello all, 6 year relationship, living together, rocky last year. Boyfriend (m-35) breaks up with me (f-33) dec 10th. Moves out Dec 18th. The most amicable, mature, moving out/ parting ways experience I've ever had. We talk the 19th, sweet goodbye messages kind of and then the 20th he texts me because something reminded him of a decoration I had. Anyway I heart-ed it and that was the last contact.
 

December 23 I come home and there is a package at my front door for me. In the box is a Christmas village piece. There is no name there is no order form there is nothing. I called the company and I just wanted to find out what the purchase date was and it was December 20 two days after he moved out. 10 days after he initially broke up with me. It was from him. 

Christmas morning he texts me "merry Christmas 🎄" I was torn up all day what to do. I didn't respond because I don't know what to do and I don't think I wanna respond and I don't want to respond just to make him feel better. I love this man. And anybody who knows me knows that Christmas is my favorite holiday. But was it a MERRY Christmas? NO, because I got dumped two weeks prior. And then he has the audacity to send me a gift in the mail of something I was going to buy myself. And then the audacity to text me merry Christmas!?!?

Now looking at it from his point of view which I'm assuming because I've known him for six years, he meant nothing malicious by it, it was all done with his heart. And I appreciate that aspect of him. But he wasn't thinking about me and my boundaries and my healing process. It's only been a week of no contact on my end at least. Which is not a lot. 

I'm wondering if I did the right thing in not responding to any of it? 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Chloe2218 said:

Hello all, 6 year relationship, living together, rocky last year. Boyfriend (m-35) breaks up with me (f-33)  it was December 20 two days after he moved out.  he wasn't thinking about me and my boundaries and my healing process.

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? It seems like the move out went ok, but it's still an adjustment especially during the holidays.

It doesn't seem malicious but perhaps a painful reminder that things didn't work out. It's fine if you are not ready to speak to him. Please give yourself time to adjust and heal. 

[Chloe2218]

Thank you. I cant pinpoint exactly what the breakup was about. He said he just needed a change, he didn't feel like himself anymore. He's not happy. I feel like it was a lot of things that was about him. I'm still a little confused about it. But it was something that had to be done he said I don't know everything's very cryptic. I just feel like he needs to get himself help mentally. He's a very indecisive person. So maybe pressure from me and him, also being our age and six years into the relationship he still doesn't know whether or not he wants to marry me.... I don't know I would really like some more clarity on why I was dumped exactly why he "couldn't do it anymore" I can get some clarity whenever he finally processes it... 

and the worst part is that New Year's Eve is coming up and that's the day we met. And then two weeks after that is our anniversary. 

I I just feel like I'm getting through it every day but I'm getting through it with the hopes that me staying strong in the no contact, is going to bring him back. like I still have hope and I'm just scared when that hope is gonna go away. 

[boltnrun]

Did you two agree to be 'friends' after the breakup?

[Chloe2218]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did you two agree to be 'friends' after the breakup?

No. I can't be his friend. He knows that. ☹️

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Chloe2218 said:

. So maybe pressure from me and him, also being our age and six years into the relationship he still doesn't know whether or not he wants to marry me..

It's a difficult breakup and a difficult time of year. It's fine to stay no contact to regroup and heal.

Perhaps you dodged a bullet if he's been camping out at your place coasting along for 6 years and "unsure". Of what he wants.

Please reconnect to friends and family and try to take one day at a time. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Let it go and think nothing of it.

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, Chloe2218 said:

No. I can't be his friend. He knows that. ☹️

Since the breakup was so civil maybe he thinks you're "fine". Or perhaps he's finding single life to not be as awesome as he thought it would be. Perhaps he's having to do things for himself that you used to do for him (cooking, laundry, making sure bills were paid, etc.)  Well, as they say, he made his bed so he has to lie down in it. 

I wouldn't respond. In fact, how about either blocking his number or putting it in your phone as NO DON'T so you won't be tempted to respond? No, blocking isn't "harsh", "immature" or "unnecessary" and having an "I don't block" policy isn't helpful to you when contact from him upsets you. 

[Chloe2218]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Since the breakup was so civil maybe he thinks you're "fine". Or perhaps he's finding single life to not be as awesome as he thought it would be. Perhaps he's having to do things for himself that you used to do for him (cooking, laundry, making sure bills were paid, etc.)  Well, as they say, he made his bed so he has to lie down in it. 

I wouldn't respond. In fact, how about either blocking his number or putting it in your phone as NO DON'T so you won't be tempted to respond? No, blocking isn't "harsh", "immature" or "unnecessary" and having an "I don't block" policy isn't helpful to you when contact from him upsets you. 

So actually all of Christmas morning I was crying hysterically and couldn't stop like deep deep belly cries. And once he texted it made it stop. and as of now I still believe we're meant to be together so I'm always gonna keep that door open. And I'm definitely a strong person where I will stick to my guns and not be tempted to text I will ask 18,000 people before I actually send the text message or call. I know he definitely knows that I'm torn up. You don't know somebody for six years as emotional as I am and think that after a week I am "fine" lol.

I bet he thinks it's really strange how much strength I have that I haven't spoken to him. Because I'm somebody who tells my feelings all the time instantly and he's the complete opposite.

I think he was just doing what he thought I wanted, i.e. the Christmas village piece and the Christmas text message. Are all things that are really important to me and I think he needs to learn how to break the habit of taking care of me or doing things to please me. And he needs to not live in his guilt.  I feel like he has a lot of guilt right now and rightfully so he should. 

[Kwothe28]

I do understand the sentiment. But, what he did was not malicious but very sweet. Maybe he felt bad for dumping you, maybe just wanted to make you feel better for the holiday. I think its important to know where people are coming from. And his is not coming from a bad place no matter that he did break up with you.

However, I do think you should politely thank for the gift but say that you request some time off to heal. And that he shouldnt contact you or send you gifts in future. 

[Lambert]

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

Keep moving forward. Proud of you. Keep taking care of yourself.  Holidays are notorious times for feeling sad, lonely, regret... but when the holidays are over guess what? Nothing has changed.

You're right, he wasn't being malicious. But he was thinking of himself.  Someone thinking of you leaves you alone, doesn't give false hope or cryptic messages.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/27/2023 at 2:43 PM, Chloe2218 said:

 6 year relationship, living together, rocky last year. Boyfriend (m-35) breaks up with me (f-33) dec 10th. Moves out Dec 18th. 

The holidays are a particularly difficult time. Why was this last year "rocky"?. It seems you wanted marriage family and a future and he was just coasting along? 

Unfortunately it hurts but if you were at an impass on this or other important points, it's good he set you free. 

His decision to move out seems well deliberated and permanent. If there were something that could have worked out, there were 6 years to do so. 

Please don't regret your time together or feel like he wasted 6 years of your life coasting along. It seems until recently it was a caring decent relationship with unfortunately some major incompatibilities that recently came into focus. 

[Cherylyn]

He broke up with you yet he sends you a Christmas gift and wishes you a 'Merry Christmas!'  What a guy! 🙄

I'll go against the grain here.  I'd ignore him including texts.  He's the one who chose to breakup with you.  He is sending confusing messages to you with gift giving and wishing you a happy holiday which is weird.

I'm not you but I wouldn't leave that door open.  Once he's out,  he's out so he should stay out. 

I've had a falling out yet this individual continues to "hoover" me like a vacuum cleaner which is most irritating.  A dissolved relationship of any type is just that:  It's over.  The other person should take a hint and scram. 

Either a relationship is smooth and wonderful on all fronts or it is not.  If it's the latter,  you're just wasting your precious life and time on an individual who doesn't matter. 

[lostandhurt]

Someone has to stop picking at the scab and that someone has to be you.  This is a break up, not a transition into a friendship so treat it as such.

  Going total NC is not to get him back, it is distance to give yourself clarity and see things you were just to close to before to see.  6 years is a long time and still not know if he wants to marry you so consider this his answer which is no he does not want to marry you. I say that not to be cruel but to bring honesty to you.

  In time I think you will see this as a gift from him.  How much longer were you going to wait for him to fully commit to you and the relationship? 2-3 years?  

 Use the NC to mourn the loss of your dreams and plans with him, then begin to heal from the death of those dreams.  Living on hope that someone else will get their stuff straightened out and love you and be devoted to you like they should be is not a good plan. You are totally the best person for him and yet he walked away.  It sucks and I am so sorry you are going through all this especially this time of year but you are strong and will survive and come out the other side smarter and even stronger.

 Lost 

[Chloe2218]

16 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Someone has to stop picking at the scab and that someone has to be you.  This is a break up, not a transition into a friendship so treat it as such.

  Going total NC is not to get him back, it is distance to give yourself clarity and see things you were just to close to before to see.  6 years is a long time and still not know if he wants to marry you so consider this his answer which is no he does not want to marry you. I say that not to be cruel but to bring honesty to you.

  In time I think you will see this as a gift from him.  How much longer were you going to wait for him to fully commit to you and the relationship? 2-3 years?  

 Use the NC to mourn the loss of your dreams and plans with him, then begin to heal from the death of those dreams.  Living on hope that someone else will get their stuff straightened out and love you and be devoted to you like they should be is not a good plan. You are totally the best person for him and yet he walked away.  It sucks and I am so sorry you are going through all this especially this time of year but you are strong and will survive and come out the other side smarter and even stronger.

 Lost 

Thank you for your encouraging words. It's day nine for me of no contact and yesterday I spent the whole day listening to podcasts which I don't know if it helped or not and at least occupied my brain. I'm just trying to take it one hour at a time. Last night I was looking at our old text messages from when we "broke up "the summer of 2020. And there was never any no contact there was just me trying to get him back and kind of being manipulative. But not in a malicious way. But in a selfish way obviously. I mean the guy has Told me countless times that he's exhausted and emotionally drained and I've just continued to try to get him back every time. For some reason this time something clicked for me. And I just let him go gracefully.  

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, Chloe2218 said:

And I just let him go gracefully.  

Acceptance comes to us in different ways and at different times.  It is hard to let go of a dream filled with happiness.

   It starts with counting the minutes then days and then months since the break up and somewhere along the way a day goes by where you don't think of him and then 3 go by and before you know it you are free and start thinking of meeting someone new.  Take the time you need to heal, keep friends and family close and keep that mind occupied like you have been doing and you will go from just making it day to day to actually laughing and living again.

 Best wishes

 Lost