Online dating is a jungle. So tiresome.

[lostandhurt]

Okay let me lay this out plain and simple.

 The only way to be "friends" with a woman you met with the intention of possibly being in a romantic relationship with is if you both feel exactly the same way.  You say you had been on a handful of dates with her.  Why did it take 4-5 dates to figure out she isn't the one for you?  After 4-5 dates I am sure she was feeling like this thing was going somewhere and then you drop the "we could be friends" line on her.  If she hadn't cut you loose after 3 dates she was into you no matter what she may say later and her actions since show that too.

 Being addicted to online dating makes it sound like you do a lot of it.  Did you have sex with any of these future female friends?

 Lost

[shouldhavelearned]

Man up and let them know

You don't have to go out with them again and again if you reach that point.

 

If they agree to be activities partners then so be it. Enjoy going somewhere or doing something with someone.

Maybe they can introduce you to a friend or you do the same for them.

[jul-els]

Thanks for the feedback, all. Much appreciated. We’re starting to drift into the realm of projection, assumption and judgement, so it looks like the thread has run it’s course. I’m signing out. Very helpful. Thanks. 

[lostandhurt]

I am not judging you, only you can do that.

 You wanted to know why this keeps happening and the answer is the common denominator.  You.

 Now if you want to know how to keep it from happening over and over again change the dynamic.

 I have noticed when the questions posed to you on your threads get difficult or you hear things maybe you don't want to hear you decide the thread has run its course....interesting

Good luck

 Lost

[jul-els]

1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

I am not judging you, only you can do that.

 You wanted to know why this keeps happening and the answer is the common denominator.  You.

 Now if you want to know how to keep it from happening over and over again change the dynamic.

 I have noticed when the questions posed to you on your threads get difficult or you hear things maybe you don't want to hear you decide the thread has run its course....interesting

Good luck

 Lost

If you read my op carefully, you’d understand where I’m coming from. Instead, you decide to project and ask me about my sex life, which has nothing to do with the subject. So 4 to 5 dates is the magic number? Says who? You? Or is it three dates? Please. Give me a break with that. Her and I are two human beings getting to know one another, for whatever that’s worth. We’re not numbers on a graph or pages on a chart. If you want to use someone’s honesty, in this particular case mine, to find fault, well, that’s on you. I don’t know what to tell you about that, other than maybe to have a little more consideration and perhaps a bit more empathy. 

[mylolita]

12 hours ago, jul-els said:

I say it because I think they’re interesting, but I’m not interested in them romantically. I don’t mind having a new friend if it turns out that way, but to me that means maybe I’ll call them when I have time or they’re free to perhaps call me if they have time, but it’s not a priority. I’m on the site looking for a girlfriend and I’m continuing my search. 

Hey ju-els!

 

I think people often want what they can’t have - or maybe they are trying to level it down to a friends with benefits and then some might think that’s fun, other women might think once you’re in the sack with them then they can turn it into something serious and romantic? 
 

I’m with Batya on this - I wouldn’t say “let’s be friends”, even if you mean it in a literal and honest way. They have been interested in you romantically, I doubt, and this soon as well, you could ever be just friends with any of them. It would be complicated I imagine, either at their end on your side or both.

 

I would be straight up! Say you had a lovely few dates but you know you’re not compatible and you don’t like them in that way - thank them again, say how lucky the guy who deserves them will be, wish them luck and move on! 
 

x

[mylolita]

Oops! 
 

Only read the first page briefly of replies - sorry OP didn’t realise you were done! 
 

Looks like I am repeating the same.

 

x

[jul-els]

Thanks. I get the upshot of it. Don’t say you want to be friends with someone you met on a dating site because it’s too ambivalent and can be interpreted in a number of ways and that may not be what I want. Very helpful and I appreciate it. It’s when people start to infer and extrapolate what my motives must be that I’m not going to entertain. 
It’s not helpful, and I came here specifically for help.
 

I’ve been online dating for two years now, getting tired of it, and this is the third time out of the dozens of people I’ve met that this has happened. I think it’s a weird thing, and I wonder what’s spurring it on. I am, I get it.
 

Perhaps it’s naive of me, but my motives are genuine and stated plainly and to infer that I must be collecting women and semi discarding them to keep around for sex is a wild assumption and a bit insulting. It’s unfortunate that some replies wish to go in that direction, but that’s when the thread starts to break down into projections that have no basis in the subject matter, so I excuse myself because I’ve got the information I came for. And then that turns into further projection about what my motives must be for signing out. Oh boy. But the thread has been helpful for me, I appreciate it, and this time I am signing out, lol. Thank you. 🙂 

[lostandhurt]

12 hours ago, jul-els said:

If you read my op carefully, you’d understand where I’m coming from. Instead, you decide to project and ask me about my sex life, which has nothing to do with the subject. So 4 to 5 dates is the magic number? Says who? You? Or is it three dates? Please. Give me a break with that. Her and I are two human beings getting to know one another, for whatever that’s worth. We’re not numbers on a graph or pages on a chart. If you want to use someone’s honesty, in this particular case mine, to find fault, well, that’s on you. I don’t know what to tell you about that, other than maybe to have a little more consideration and perhaps a bit more empathy. 

 You use that people are projecting a lot, seems like a defense mechanism.  Empathy, yes I have more now than ever in my whole life.  I have empathy for not only you but the women you are dating. They are part of this equation too. Dating can be tough for all involved.  I read your original post twice before I responded.

 As far being intimate with your dates if you have been then that changes the dynamic drastically and thus I asked the question.  Not for gory details, for important information to answer your query. 

   Good luck

Lost

[catfeeder]

On 12/26/2023 at 3:54 PM, jul-els said:

There's been a few times when I've told a someone I've been on a handful of dates with that I'm not feeling a romantic connection, but perhaps we would be better off as friends. They say okay to this and it seems to increase their pursuit ... the complete opposite effect of what I intended it to have.

Hello Jul-els, I wonder if they like you a lot, and they're hearing the 'friends' thing as their last ditch opportunity to win you over. So they're pulling Hail Mary's instead of cooling off?

I'd leave out the friends thing and end it cleanly. You can find friends at any time and anywhere, so it's probably better not to try to morph someone who's romantically interested in you into a platonic friend. That's messy, have you noticed?

[Sindy_0311]

I was talking to a friend of mine today. He said he was on dating apps, but mentioning that he was looking for friendship. It reminded me of your thread. See, the thing is, when you subscribe to a dating app, it’s commun sense that you are single and looking for a potential relationship (serious or casual). If you are looking for friends, you don’t put a profile on an app… 

This is where we had a little argument. I told him that the people you meet here are not applying for friendship, even if they say so after they learn about your intentions. These women, they subscribed, choose their best profile pictures and engage with men, they aren’t interested in friendship. But yes, they might think, well this one is different, maybe he can catch feelings along the road… not healthy at all. (And I assure you, some women like this kind of challenge) 

My point is, you don’t do dating apps to make friends. If there’s no match, you say it and make things clear. If you don’t, women will still entertain the relationship with hope for something more…. « Maybe I can make him change his mind » It’s a complete waste of time for these women. So Please make friends elsewhere, not on dating apps… 

it’s a jungle… I agree, but even more since people aren’t straight forward about their real intentions… 

[Batya33]

I didn’t mind at all if someone wrote that. All it meant was I scrolled on and declined any contact. I appreciated the honesty up front and was a complete dealbreaker for me. I’ve declined Facebook and LinkedIn invites for similar dealbreaker reasons when the person is up front why they’re seeking to connect with me. I wrote my little list of what my musts were and didn’t appreciate if I received an email criticizing any of them. Simply scroll on if you don’t like it or it’s not right for you. 

[smackie9]

On 12/26/2023 at 1:50 PM, jul-els said:

I say it because I think they’re interesting, but I’m not interested in them romantically. I don’t mind having a new friend if it turns out that way, but to me that means maybe I’ll call them when I have time or they’re free to perhaps call me if they have time, but it’s not a priority. I’m on the site looking for a girlfriend and I’m continuing my search. 

^^This is the worst thing. They are not on the app to make friends, so offering the friends card bad. Cut them off, go no contact. Tell them you want to move on, and wish them luck.