Online dating is a jungle. So tiresome.

[jul-els]

But maybe I'm a little bit addicted to it, lol. But it's tiring. So, there's this thing I've run into several times in my experience with this and I'm wondering what it is. Perhaps some folks here can shed light on it for me. I seem to be a bit naive about it. There's been a few times when I've told a someone I've been on a handful of dates with that I'm not feeling a romantic connection, but perhaps we would be better off as friends. They say okay to this and it seems to increase their pursuit, they start displaying an even deeper, more increased level of interest, increased contact, asking for dates, etc. This is the complete opposite effect of what I intended it to have. For context, I'm a straight male, if that makes a difference. What am I doing wrong?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, jul-els said:

 I've told a someone I've been on a handful of dates with that I'm not feeling a romantic connection, but perhaps we would be better off as friends. They say okay to this and it seems to increase their pursuit, they start displaying an even deeper, more increased level of interest.

It's great you're upfront about not being a match, however they seem to be misinterpreting "let's be friends" too literally.  

[jul-els]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're upfront about not being a match, however they seem to be misinterpreting "let's be friends" too literally.  

Yeah, it does seem like that. I don't know what I'm doing to encourage it.

[Kwothe28]

18 minutes ago, jul-els said:

There's been a few times when I've told a someone I've been on a handful of dates with that I'm not feeling a romantic connection, but perhaps we would be better off as friends. They say okay to this and it seems to increase their pursuit, they start displaying an even deeper, more increased level of interest, increased contact, asking for dates, etc. This is the complete opposite effect of what I intended it to have.

Congratulations, you discovered attention starving women of dating apps. Who when you try to ignore them, chase you more. Here, a referential panel.

[ShySoul]

It's not you, it's them. No matter how clear you are, sometimes the person on the other end doesn't seem to get the message. People often hear what they want to hear rather then what is said. So somewhere in their mind they turn "let's be friends" into "I just need to pursue a little more." There is also the strange notion that for some people they want to turn everything into a game so a lack of interest just motivates them to try harder. All you can do is be honest and clear in your intentions. What they do with that information is up to them.

[Batya33]

Why do you say that ?  Do you really want a new friend ?  I simply declined another date or if they didn’t ask me out but expressed interest in friendship I declined that too. I am still friendly with two men I originally met through online dating sites. One I never ended up going on a first meet with but met him on a second date he went on with a woman in the city I’d moved to and the other I dated for about 6 weeks and we stayed in touch as friends. 

[jul-els]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you say that ?  Do you really want a new friend ?  I simply declined another date or if they didn’t ask me out but expressed interest in friendship I declined that too. I am still friendly with two men I originally met through online dating sites. One I never ended up going on a first meet with but met him on a second date he went on with a woman in the city I’d moved to and the other I dated for about 6 weeks and we stayed in touch as friends. 

I say it because I think they’re interesting, but I’m not interested in them romantically. I don’t mind having a new friend if it turns out that way, but to me that means maybe I’ll call them when I have time or they’re free to perhaps call me if they have time, but it’s not a priority. I’m on the site looking for a girlfriend and I’m continuing my search. 

[jul-els]

21 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

People often hear what they want to hear rather then what is said. So somewhere in their mind they turn "let's be friends" into "I just need to pursue a little more." 

I have a hunch that maybe this is what is happening. 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Yeah, it does seem like that. I don't know what I'm doing to encourage it.

It doesn't seem like they're pursuing you because you friendzoned them, it seems they're taking the "let's be friends" offer seriously. If you, as well as they, are looking for people to date it does seem to get hazy to stay "friends". All you can do is let them down easy but without the friends offer. 

[jul-els]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem like they're pursuing you because you friendzoned them, it seems they're taking the "let's be friends" offer seriously. If you, as well as they, are looking for people to date it does seem to get hazy to stay "friends". All you can do is let them down easy but without the friends offer. 

Yes, maybe I’m being too nice and giving the wrong idea. I’m open to the idea of being friends on a casual basis, like if our schedules happen to line up or if we want to say hi on occasion, that’s fine. But I’m not interested in much beyond that. But this latest one is in pursuit after I said I wasn’t interested romantically and suggested perhaps friendship. She’s sending long, flirty texts on a daily basis, asking for dates, etc. My interest level in her just isn’t that high. 

[ShySoul]

15 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I say it because I think they’re interesting, but I’m not interested in them romantically. I don’t mind having a new friend if it turns out that way, but to me that means maybe I’ll call them when I have time or they’re free to perhaps call me if they have time, but it’s not a priority. I’m on the site looking for a girlfriend and I’m continuing my search. 

I actually think it's great you are open to being friends. Unfortunately, "let's be friends" has developed multiple connotations for people. Some see it as letting you down easy. Some see it as a real call for close friendship. Some see like you as more casual friendship. Others turn it into a chance for more, they just need to try harder. Maybe be even more clear? Of course, there will probably be some people who still misread it.

[ShySoul]

5 minutes ago, jul-els said:

She’s sending long, flirty texts on a daily basis, asking for dates, etc. My interest level in her just isn’t that high. 

There are a lot of strange people out there, and a lot of people who won't take no for an answer. From what I've heard, dating apps make it easier for people to fall into this behavior. All you can do is ignore the person if they get carried away.

[Starlight925]

As a woman, this is all on you.

If you're looking for a girlfriend, why are you trying to collect female friends?

If you date a few times and feel there's no connection, simply say that, and move on.

I suspect you enjoy having these women orbit around you and try to win you back.  It feeds your need for desirability, having women text, call, and cajole you into liking them more.

How would a woman you truly like, who wants a relationship, feel with all these "friends", i.e. dates you've semi-discarded, hanging around?

[Sally .C.]

I suppose the problem is that friendship can be interpreted in so many ways. You say that to you, friendship with them means to "say hi on occasion," and that it should be on a "casual basis." But...is that their version of friendship? Maybe their version of friendship is, "let's continue spending time together as friends, and maybe something will bloom from that."

My suggestion would be to state in a straightforward manner that you don't feel a romantic connection, but you wish them well.

If you leave friendship on the table, that leaves the door open for them to contact you however often they want, based on whatever idea of friendship they have in their mind.

[jul-els]

15 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

As a woman, this is all on you.

If you're looking for a girlfriend, why are you trying to collect female friends?

If you date a few times and feel there's no connection, simply say that, and move on.

I suspect you enjoy having these women orbit around you and try to win you back.  It feeds your need for desirability, having women text, call, and cajole you into liking them more.

How would a woman you truly like, who wants a relationship, feel with all these "friends", i.e. dates you've semi-discarded, hanging around?

Oh boy, here we go with the projections. I’ve stated very clearly what my intentions are. If you want to read into it, that’s up to you, but it’s not helpful. And I’m not a woman, which is something I’ve also clearly stated, lol. 

[jul-els]

5 minutes ago, Sally .C. said:

I suppose the problem is that friendship can be interpreted in so many ways. You say that to you, friendship with them means to "say hi on occasion," and that it should be on a "casual basis." But...is that their version of friendship? Maybe their version of friendship is, "let's continue spending time together as friends, and maybe something will bloom from that."

My suggestion would be to state in a straightforward manner that you don't feel a romantic connection, but you wish them well.

If you leave friendship on the table, that leaves the door open for them to contact you however often they want, based on whatever idea of friendship they have in their mind.

This is a good point. It leaves a lot of room open to interpretation. I’m not opposed to being platonic friends with her. She’s someone I’m glad I met. I’ll move forward based on my comfort level and gauge it from there. 

[jul-els]

Also for context, she also agreed we’re better as friends. Said we didn’t have the same love languages, whatever that means. 

[Batya33]

I wasn't on dating sites to find friends so if we weren't going to go on an actual date or continue dating then bye. With certain exceptions - ironically I am friends and even do business with a man I connected with on a dating site and met years later when he was in my city to meet up with another woman lol. I also stayed friendly with a few men I originally met through dating sites -but we dated a number of times/for awhile . I agree with the others.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

I say it because I think they’re interesting, but I’m not interested in them romantically. I don’t mind having a new friend if it turns out that way, but to me that means maybe I’ll call them when I have time or they’re free to perhaps call me if they have time, but it’s not a priority. I’m on the site looking for a girlfriend and I’m continuing my search. 

That doesn't sound like friendship - more like an activity partner/casual acquaintance.  Sorry I posted again as I didn't see that my post actually made it on to the thread -technical issues.

[jul-els]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That doesn't sound like friendship - more like an activity partner/casual acquaintance.  Sorry I posted again as I didn't see that my post actually made it on to the thread -technical issues.

Yeah, that’s what she said, that she wanted an “activity friend”. Which is a label that makes sense for her, I suppose. I don’t have much use for labels like that. We’ll be friends if we’re meant to be, and if we’re not, we won’t. It’s not a big deal, afaic. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Yeah, that’s what she said, that she wanted an “activity friend”. Which is a label that makes sense for her, I suppose. I don’t have much use for labels like that. We’ll be friends if we’re meant to be, and if we’re not, we won’t. It’s not a big deal, afaic. 

Sure if you both want that -go for it!  We have a friend who advertised for that on craigslist around 2005 or so -for cycling.  They married in 2007.

[jul-els]

44 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sure if you both want that -go for it!  We have a friend who advertised for that on craigslist around 2005 or so -for cycling.  They married in 2007.

I’m definitely not interested in her that way. If that’s what she’s thinking, we’re not on the same page. I don’t see why I can’t stay connected to someone who I respect on a platonic level, but as I said in my op, maybe I’m being naive. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

 she also agreed we’re better as friends. Said we didn’t have the same love languages.

If she is clearly not interested that's fine. If you have some sort of common interest, it's fine to stay friends. For example maybe a new workout or something friend. Especially since the lack of attraction is mutual, stay in light touch if you like. It doesn't seem like she's pursuing you whatsoever. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I’m definitely not interested in her that way. If that’s what she’s thinking, we’re not on the same page. I don’t see why I can’t stay connected to someone who I respect on a platonic level, but as I said in my op, maybe I’m being naive. 

LOL my friend originally wasn't either.  I get it though.  I just wouldn't say "let's be friends" unless you really click on that level.  

[jul-els]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

LOL my friend originally wasn't either.  I get it though.  I just wouldn't say "let's be friends" unless you really click on that level.  

Me neither. I was being genuine. I just think her idea of friendship is a little more involved than mine. But, whatever. I’ll see what happens. If she’s gonna act like we’re dating, I’m gonna distance myself.