Please tell me if you think this actually happened or am I being manipulated?

[okay stressed]

I’d like to preface that I (28F) am in a very rocky relationship. I frequently confide in my best friend (27F) and her boyfriend (28M) who I have been friends with for a long time. 

 

To give context her boyfriend confessed he had feelings for me a few months ago. I very clearly stated I was not interested and that I think he has misplaced his feelings for me as they had been going through a rough patch. He dropped it and didn’t bring it up again.

 

Fast forward and we all went out together a few weekends ago drinking. I ended up pretty intoxicated and my memory is hazy but I was definitely not blacked out. Following our night out he reached out and asked if I was okay and stated I had been pretty confusing. When I asked he said he would tell me later. I never brought it up and then a few days later he brings it up by specifically stating he was waiting until I was at work and he was away from his gf. 

 

Long story short he ended up saying that the entire night I was giving him looks and that I grabbed him at one point dancing and started kissing his neck and whispering. I am not a very outspoken person especially when attracted to someone. On top of that he said I must’ve been mad at my boyfriend which I do not recall ever being upset with him. We were in our local bar with plenty of others that knew both of us. I find it hard to believe no one saw and no one said anything to his gf or my bf about it. I’d also like to note that I have genuinely never felt anything more than platonic towards him. I don’t recall seeing him frequently that night and I remember being with friends pretty consistently all night (I hate being by myself in a bar.) 

 

The more I think about it things don’t seem to add up and I’m questioning if he may have made this up to get me to confess to having feelings or to convince me I have feelings for him. Any opinions would be appreciated. I can also provide more context as needed just ask. Thank you! 

[Kwothe28]

You were enough drunk to not know any of that. You should avoid drinking if you cant control it and have memory lapses. For example, yes, he might have just made it up. But you would never know for sure as your memory isnt clear due to alcohol. In the future you should avoid situations like that if you dont want somebody else to fill you up on what you did. 

Bigger question is why are you all still hanging out? Your best friend boyfriend confessed he has feelings for you. That is messy by itself. But you all continuing to hang out like nothing is going on, just furthers all that messiness. I am sorry, but sooner or later you have to resolve all of this. He still has feelings for you. So its impossible for you all to hang out like nothing is happening when things like this happen. So you either tell your friend(which would probably lead to a fallout) or dont hang out with them anymore. 

[Jaunty]

Why do you hang out (and get trashed) with a couple where the man has "confessed" feelings for you?  Why do you confide in that guy?  

Especially since the woman is supposed to be your "best friend."   

You are not being much of a friend to her yourself by being available and participating in this.  

Once the line was crossed and the man "confessed" to you was the time to cut him off and probably tell your so-called best friend about it.   

I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing his pathetic confession with you in the first place?  Probably because you have no boundaries.

No.  You are not being manipulated.  You are behaving poorly. 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Cut ties with him and let his girlfriend know why.  

[shouldhavelearned]

Yeah, speak up with the friend

You got the receipts

[catfeeder]

There are reasons why "killing the messenger" is a cliche'.

That's why I would not discuss this with my friend IF I want to keep her as my friend.

Sounds like her BF is setting you up to sabotage his relationship or yours. I'd just quit interacting with the guy after messaging back, "Nope. You had a bad dream." just for the record in case he tries to harm my relationship with either my BF or my friend.

Beyond that, the guy would be history. I'd see my friend only without him or my BF, so I can say I want it to be just us girls.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, okay stressed said:

I’d like to preface that I (28F) am in a very rocky relationship. I frequently confide in my best friend (27F) and her boyfriend (28M) 

 Sorry this is happening. Why is your relationship with your BF "rocky"? How long have you been dating? Was your BF at the bar when this was happening? 

Please distance yourself from both of them. He's a snake whether his story is true or not. The time to step back was when he first came on to you behind your friends back.  Why wasn't he blocked there and then?  

[Lambert]

Hmmm. this sounds like a lot of drama. But I will admit in my 20s I had a lot of drama, too. 

I would think of it this way- I know what I'm capable of and if I think someone is manipulating or trying to manipulate me, then I will take steps to stop it.

I would not argue or confront this guy. You don't owe him any explanation and you will just be creating more drama.

Instead, do these things-

Do not drink with this guy and stop confiding your relationship problems to this couple.

Focus on what is actually the important part of all this- why are you in a rocky relationship?

Determine what you need to happen to be happy and then communicate that to your partner. If you do this and they can't do their part to give you what you need,  end it. 

Find a partner that you don't need to vent to your friends about. 

[HeartGoesOn]

On 12/23/2023 at 12:08 AM, okay stressed said:

The more I think about it things don’t seem to add up and I’m questioning if he may have made this up to get me to confess to having feelings or to convince me I have feelings for him.

I think there's more to this than what you're telling us. I'll just say that if this were an issue you'd walk away, yet instead you're participating. 

Walk away, as this will not end well.

[okay stressed]

I appreciate all of the responses. I’ve checked with other friends to trace back my night and I do remember it all accurately this most definitely did not happen. As for the guy… I did in fact cut him off and will no longer be speaking with him. I figured one lapse in judgement on his part could be excused but clearly I was wrong and it has been corrected. I’ve known him for many years and would’ve never expected this from him. Hence why he was not immediately removed following his confession. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, okay stressed said:

 I did in fact cut him off and will no longer be speaking with him.

You made the right decision cutting him off.  Hopefully things are working out with your BF and yes definitely stop confiding in these two. 

[Jaunty]

Maybe take a look at your role in this.

Why be drunk, dancing and confiding  in a man who has "confessed" feelings for you, when 1) you have a boyfriend and probably more importantly 2) he is the boyfriend of your "best friend"? 

I truly think that this is the only important thing in your story.  The guy behaved like a douche.  You knew he WAS a douche when he told you he had feelings for you a long time before this drunken BS took place.  I mean ... being the boyfriend of your BFF and you having a bf and all.  Pure bottom feeder.  

Why were you available for this?  

I guess my main point here is that I don't think you were "being manipulated," or that you were a victim in this situation in any way.  You were a participant in messy, bad behavior.

It's worth a look - your life will thank you for it.