I healed. What now? Estrangement and Christmas and oh my.

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

Hey, all. I've made posts here before (under a login I can't remember now, lol) that talked about some of my family issues. My parents kicking out my half-sisters cruelly in the middle of the night with no belongings or car many years ago; wanting to not edit for their self-publishing business anymore, and so on. Ring a few bells?

For context, my dad has 5 kids from his 1st marriage. I'm 1/2 kids from his 2nd.

Well, about 3 weeks ago, I went on a hike with my mom, and she asked me why I’ve been distant. I moved out over a year ago, and slowly over time, I’ve been calling my parents a lot less. Now it's usually once a month, and we only infrequently text. I have distanced myself to differentiate, heal and detox from the past. 

During the hike, I decided to tell her what I never told her before: that they did so many things that are baffling to me. The never socializing us while being homeschooled. (To give a picture of how bad the isolation was, when the quarantine first hit in 2020, absolutely nothing in my homeschooled brother's life changed.) After years of estrangement, my dad choosing to reunite with and "support" my 40 y.o. half-brother when he found out he was in prison for sexual assaulting a teenager, but kicking out his daughters for nothing and calling them misogynist slurs. I mentioned a few other things.

My mom…I know she loves me to death. But she's oblivious. She acted genuinely shocked we were isolated, even said my brother was in basketball as “proof” of his socialization, when he actually stopped attending at 4 years old and wasn’t in anything since. The questions she asked...”So you think he’s some social misfit now? You think your dad resents his kids?” I asked her would she do to me how they kicked my sisters out, and she said no. So I asked why she did that to them. “Well, they didn’t want to be here anyway.”

A couple of days later we went to see a movie, and she asked the question I know she would: “So have you been talking to your half-siblings lately?” Not only have I not, but it confirms how I suspected my parents would see my comments as me reconnecting with my siblings and them “putting things in my head."

I regret being honest with her now. I don’t expect nor want an apology or explanation…there’s really none that can be given.

And so, none of us have called each other for the past few weeks. Just my mom texting every now and then. I don’t see the point in attending Christmas, but obviously that’s something I have to say before it arrives. And I don’t know how to say it either. Especially when I call, it will no doubt lead to the conversation my mom and I had some time ago, my dad confronting me about it and…drama.

I feel stuck. I'm no longer in the resentment phase. I've worked through my past and I'm looking at my future. I also know there's no going back to how I saw my parents before. I keep asking what do I want with my parents now? I think I want to stay in limited contact with my mom and not be in contact with my dad anymore. I also hate how my brother is caught in the middle of all of this.

Just looking for some advice.

[Jaunty]

Why aren't you in contact with your half sisters?  It seems like you could be a source of mutual support to one another.

Is all of this isolation based on some kind of religious beliefs?   There are support groups for people coming out of religious trauma.  

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

My half sisters are all in their 30s/40s with families of their own. And I have no doubt they do heavily resent my parents, and thus, me by proxy. There's a lot of other context too long to get into, but I don't think reconnecting with them will be worth it or even possible. 

No, not religious. My parents just majorly dropped the ball. Again, baffling. I made comments over the years while my brother was still being homeschooled that they should get him involved in groups or clubs. They verbally agreed, then just...never did it. 

[boltnrun]

Your "parents" have posted here multiple times under various user names. They still enforce extreme restrictions related to Covid and want to move out of the country but don't want to let go of controlling their son, so they are putting it off until he finishes school. And yes, the homemade book editing. Yes, your "parents" are a piece of work for sure.

(I put "parents" in quotes because they have posted on here before pretending to be their children in the hopes someone would support their odd ideas.)

If you are in fact their adult child you are not required to attend any get together you don't want to. And you don't have to be estranged from your siblings unless you choose to be. I bet your older sisters would love to hear from you. It's not your fault they were thrown out of the family home. 

[catfeeder]

You don’t need a confrontation with your father, just don’t take his call. Tell your Mom as early as possible that you don’t want to attend Christmas, and the two of you can celebrate x day over lunch, or whatever.

However, consider whether you’d be willing to do a peace keeping day for your brother before ruling out Christmas. If you want to see him, decide whether attending Christmas might take some pressure off him to share the day with your parents. Then if they opt to pick that day to confront you, you can say, “Let’s keep the day enjoyable, unless you’d prefer to end our visit now.”

It’s your call, and either way is valid. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ThinkinOutLoud2000 said:

. My parents kicking out my half-sisters cruelly in the middle of the night with no belongings or car many years ago; wanting to not edit for their self-publishing business anymore, and so on. 

Please continue to keep your distance and enjoy your freedom. Although not a cult per se, the same kind of damage can be done from this type of upbringing. Maintain your boundaries. 

Is this them?

 

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

I pretended to be my parents several times on here. I'm sorry, but hearing people's reactions from their perspective is what helped me to see their actions as unhealthy. Everything "they" said or did is what actually happened in real life, though. Sorry for the deception, but it's what I needed at the time. 

Today, I'm still trying to figure out what advice I'm looking for. I do know I've spent quite a while working through my past, and now I've grown past that. And no longer do I think the question is: "Have my parents done enough bad things to justify me cutting them off?", but, "How do I want my parents in my life from here on out?"

I think, for now, I want to intermittently see my mom and be connected with her, but it's unfortunate all of this is being inconveniently hashed out around the holidays. Should I text her I'm not coming over for Christmas? What will my dad think? He's never heard how I feel about his actions. It would be a sudden, total estrangement for him.

And then, my mom–or both her and my dad–will no doubt say I should have let them know earlier. What do I say to that?

[boltnrun]

How about offering to get together with your mom and brother away from their home? With their extreme Covid restrictions I'm not sure if she would agree to a restaurant meal but maybe a walk or meeting outdoors somewhere. 

As for any "shoulds", you are an adult. You don't have to respond to accusations. You can simply say you don't wish to attend the family gathering because you're uncomfortable. 

I do understand about relatives who don't take "no" for an answer. My cousin who I love dearly and who is a good person kept insisting I do something I wasn't comfortable with. I had to say "no" five times and then take her aside and explain my health conditions in detail before she finally backed off. Until then she kept saying "Oh, come on, you HAVE to!!" No, I don't. 

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

I'm going to meet up with my brother before Christmas to give him his gift and hangout. I'm not getting gifts for my parents, but I might meet up with my mom after Christmas. Or not. I really wonder what my "I'm staying home for the holidays text" is going to do. Haven't even decided whether to just text my mom that (feels cowardly to rely on her relaying that to my dad for me) or the family group text... 

[1a1a]

You don’t have to formally bow out of Xmas, on the day of you don’t feel like going then text and say you’ve got gastro. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, ThinkinOutLoud2000 said:

My mom…I know she loves me to death. But she's oblivious. She acted genuinely shocked we were isolated, 

Unfortunately your mother is in denial to survive the situation. Please research "cognitive dissonance". Please continue to have strong boundaries and avoid feeling reeled back in by guilt or doubts. 

Please read this book for help and insight: 

"Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs"   By Steven Hassan, Ph.D., a mental health professional, cult, and undue influence expert.

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

How do you all think I should handle and announce the Christmas decision?

[Seraphim]

I am not coming . Then don’t discuss any further . 

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

That feels cruel to my mom. Despite her mistakes, I still forgive her and I know she loves me deeply. I'm not coming over, but there has to be a gentler way of doing it than that?

[boltnrun]

You feel the extreme restrictions they put on you and your brother regarding Covid (saying you were wrong because you didn't wear a mask when you walked down to your car because you "might" have passed someone along the way), insisting you continue to edit their books for free and throwing your sisters out of the house at a very young age in the middle of the night were "mistakes"?

I would not feel those were mistakes but rather were deliberate actions. And her idea of love is to attempt to control your every move (based on the multiple threads posted under the various user names). 

Now, you obviously know her and I don't. But if you truly believe she accidentally did all of those things, why not just go see her on Christmas? You don't have to sit and talk to your father the entire time. 

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

Welp. I had a very illuminating conversation with my brother yesterday.

We met up for lunch yesterday, since I wanted to see him before Christmas if I decided not to go, and he told me that for the past few months, my parents have essentially been sh*t talking me about various grievances they have with me. He's told them multiple times that they should talk to me directly about their complaints, and while they say they will, they obviously haven't yet. He thought it was unfair how I'm not there to defend myself, so he asked me some questions to get my perspective.

About two months ago, I asked my brother to housesit my apartment for me because I was out of town for a month and a half. Apparently, where I thought my parents were just ambivalent about it, my parents explicitly said he shouldn't do it for the most inane reasons, one of them being that back in the summer, I didn't drive by and check on their house when they were on vacation for 2 weeks, (where I simply forgot to), and since I was "careless and selfish", why should he do this favor for me? My brother still ended up housesitting, but they've been holding this grudge for a while.

He mentioned a few other things they've been complaining about (they're upset I hid I was no longer vegan for so long; not telling them sooner about editing books), but one of their main things is that I'm taking days to respond to texts and calls, and noticeably distancing myself from them. My mom has been crying about it, and my dad getting upset with me on her behalf. 

They're also convinced that I'm talking to my half-siblings again (I'm not), and my siblings or a boyfriend they don't know about (I'm single) are putting things in my ear and pulling me away from them.

The most bothersome thing is the ranting and raving behind my back, and when they could simply pick up the phone and initiate an adult-to-adult conversation. It's clear to me they were probably waiting for me to come over for Christmas to "pounce" on me. 

I've never had a decision made faster for me. Not coming over, not calling. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, ThinkinOutLoud2000 said:

Ive never had a decision made faster for me. Not coming over, not calling. 

Good call. Please don't get sucked back into their abusive cult like thinking and lifestyle.  Please read the book I recommend above. You'll be very enlightened to know you're not alone in this. 

Please read this book for help and insight: 

"Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs"   By Steven Hassan, Ph.D., a mental health professional, cult, and undue influence expert.

[Seraphim]

They need severe mental health like yesterday. Live your life . 

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

What a wonderful Christmas message…The text I got from my mom today.

https://ibb.co/GHPgjT6

The “male friend” she is referring to is completely fictional. My parents are CONVINCED that I’m seeing someone (I’m not) and that they’re putting things in my ear and turning me away from them.

Also, when I first moved out (when I was still partially brainwashed), I sent them a letter thanking them for all they did raising me. I think I mentioned something about them having “beautiful spirits” in that letter, which is what she’s referring to in her text.

Wow...

[Seraphim]

Links are dangerous for people to click. 
 

Your parents severely need help. Ignore the crazy and don’t engage . 

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

Sorry about that. Here's the pic:

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ThinkinOutLoud2000 said:

when I first moved out (when I was still partially brainwashed).

Sorry this is happening. You made a great decision moving out and living your own life.  Please distance yourself from all of them instead of trying to get your mother to understand. She seems like a broken person still brainwashed and into this cult like thinking. It's not uncommon for people who leave cults and abusive relationships to be shunned by remaining members. 

[ThinkinOutLoud2000]

Update: They just Zelled me $100. And it's a few hours after they sent that text too, which means I'm pretty sure they found out I sent my brother $300 this morning for Christmas and were like..."We should send her something too..."

I want to return the $100 back to them so bad. Should I?

[Seraphim]

Stop engaging . 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, ThinkinOutLoud2000 said:

: They just Zelled me $100. I want to return the $100 back to them so bad. Should I?

Just say thanks and stop interacting. Sending it back is simply escalating this conflict through passive aggressive actions. Please stop.

This third party hearsay and guessing via the brother is confusing you further. It seems you're still too wrapped up and involved in their madness but struggling with boundaries.

Please realize that moving out building your own life and career are the first and most important steps but there's still some emotional stuff to deal with.