Does my Coworker think that I like him, how do I combat that?

[Petrichor]

Through a series of awkward events I have a suspicion my male coworker (let’s call him Ash) thinks that I like him. Which I do not, he has a family and I respect that boundary entirely. I really don’t know how to handle this either.

My work place has always been an odd and uncomfortable environment due to a lot of people being two-faced and super gossipy. So I generally opt to keep to myself and just talk about work.

In my industry we work in pairs to accomplish assignments and I believe my partner is a narcissist sowed the seed for all this drama. We’ll call her Narc for the story’s sake.

I got assigned to work with Ash this was my first time working with him. We worked on a couple projects over the span of two weeks. Every time we were working on Narc felt the need to butt in with personal stories while Ash and I were just trying to finish the assignment. Whenever Ash was gone Narc kept randomly bringing up that her planner design reminded her of Ash’s kickball team and kind of hinted that I should tag along with him to one his games. I kept shutting it down every time she brought it up. I thought to myself this is a man I just met, I have no rapport with, and he has a family (she knows this). It just seemed so out of left field and weird.

*Narc also keeps bringing up the idea of dating coworkers which I always tell her I don’t sh*t where I eat. I even told her that most of the guys here are relationships and her rebuttal was that “guys that age are always in relationships so it isn’t a big deal”. She’s single and 17 years my senior I feel that she just wants to see a train wreck.

Then one day while Ash and I are working Narc walk over with her planner in hand and says “Hey Ash this planner reminds of your kickball club you should bring her with you next time”. Then Ash immediately replies with an awkward laugh and says “Oh that’s where I met my current girlfriend of seven years”. I follow up with “yeah I’m not too interested in outdoor sports and I don’t have much free time”. There was an awkward silence then he left.

 

After that he started avoiding me and keeping convos short. Out of respect and optics I did the same, I wouldn’t be rude or anything I’d say hello and smile if I see him in the hall but that was it. I changed my routes around the building to avoid him and put on my headphones when he’s close so people wouldn’t try bring me in conversation they were having with him.

It’s been months probably closer too a year now and even though I’ve done all this things still feel off, more so with other coworkers other than Ash.

- I Just feel the eyes on me whenever he was near

- New people and people who I barely knew kept bringing up his name to me. (Usually after they start hanging out with his group)

- I had to help out Ash and his partner, Ash was sick and his partner said to me “As long as you don’t make out with him you should be good”

- Another one of his friends would laugh and pat his back and walk away whenever he sees him talking to me

- His friend group ignores me when I ignore him and is friendly when I’m friendly towards him. 

 

I honestly don’t know how to handle this I really don’t like the optics of looking like I’m a home wrecker. I wonder if I should’ve said something earlier when the kickball thing happened, it could’ve made worse. Even with what his friends are doing it’s all subtle if I call it out I’ll look crazy. I just miss being a wallflower everyone ignored.

I’m currently looking for a new job for many variables including this one but it’s been rough my industry is still recovering from pandemic.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Petrichor said:

Im currently looking for a new job 

This is a great place to start if you feel there is a toxic work culture or sexual harassment. Update your CV and LinkedIn profile and start browsing and applying for jobs.

In the meantime stay as neutral and professional as possible. Try not to get involved in workplace gossip and drama. Consider socializing more outside of work, so these two don't affect you this much. 

[Coily]

From the sounds of this, Ash has his GF of 7 years. His actions are of a man who feels like you are interested in him, he's feeling awkward about it, and Narc is trying to play match maker and being a gossip.

The reality is you two probably had a good rapport, it was noticed and the gossip was added. As far as his friends, I think they are teasing him not you.

Overall it sounds like a miserable place to work. As far as combating the perceptions, that's never easy to do; just be professional and yourself.

[LotusBlack]

I’d literally just ignore it. Continue on being professional and not engaging with any of them beyond a professional capacity. If things do become unprofessional in terms of others’ behaviours towards you, shut it down respectfully by being no-nonsense and taking space away from the topic of discussion. That means either walking away or directly removing yourself verbally with a contrasting statement that brooks no further discussion. I don’t mean be combative or engaging in a debate or such, but a statement that shuts down what they are suggesting. If that fails to get things back on track, speak to HR about inappropriate work-place behaviours.

[Petrichor]

8 hours ago, Coily said:

The reality is you two probably had a good rapport, it was noticed and the gossip was added. As far as his friends, I think they are teasing him not you.

Overall it sounds like a miserable place to work. As far as combating the perceptions, that's never easy to do; just be professional and yourself.

Well this makes me feel a bit better but yeah ultimately finding another place would be the best bet for me !

[catfeeder]

I think we all have a choice about whether we will minimize or magnify any given situation, and it sounds as though you’re torturing yourself needlessly—unless you otherwise don’t enjoy this job or don’t believe in its potential for your advancement. If that’s the case, you’re using it as your impetus to move on. But then, why torture yourself in the process when you can just let go?

For my own head, I’d credit the guy with the ability to recognize the bag of vipers that are your coworkers, which has zero to do with you. Given that you’ve only been kind and professional, he likely feels as badly for you as for himself, if not more so. He’s likely avoiding you to protect you as well as himself.

But if this was a job that you valued before this incident, then why would you budge in terms of leaving it over anyone else’s problem? I’d be looking down my nose at those with nothing better to do with their focus than to make other coworkers into a such a preoccupation.

Speaking only for myself, I’d be far too busy to care about this stuff. Decide for yourself why you ‘must’ care about it, and if you remain unable to minimize it, consider what you believe are appropriate steps to address it. 

[smackie9]

He doesn't have feelings for you. I see that this Narc person told Ash that you had a crush on him, for the purpose of starting up some $%^&. The comments made points to this. 

No reaction is the best action to be taken in situations when dealing with a person like that. You win they lose because they didn't get a reaction from you. people like her have low self esteem. They do this to have control/power, boosting their fragile ego. 

[CynthiaPursley]

On 11/29/2023 at 6:37 PM, Petrichor said:

Through a series of awkward events I have a suspicion my male coworker (let’s call him Ash) thinks that I like him. Which I do not, he has a family and I respect that boundary entirely. I really don’t know how to handle this either.

My work place has always been an odd and uncomfortable environment due to a lot of people being two-faced and super gossipy. So I generally opt to keep to myself and just talk about work.

In my industry we work in pairs to accomplish assignments and I believe my partner is a narcissist sowed the seed for all this drama. We’ll call her Narc for the story’s sake.

I got assigned to work with Ash this was my first time working with him. We worked on a couple projects over the span of two weeks. Every time we were working on Narc felt the need to butt in with personal stories while Ash and I were just trying to finish the assignment. Whenever Ash was gone Narc kept randomly bringing up that her planner design reminded her of Ash’s kickball team and kind of hinted that I should tag along with him to one his games. I kept shutting it down every time she brought it up. I thought to myself this is a man I just met, I have no rapport with, and he has a family (she knows this). It just seemed so out of left field and weird.

*Narc also keeps bringing up the idea of dating coworkers which I always tell her I don’t sh*t where I eat. I even told her that most of the guys here are relationships and her rebuttal was that “guys that age are always in relationships so it isn’t a big deal”. She’s single and 17 years my senior I feel that she just wants to see a train wreck.

Then one day while Ash and I are working Narc walk over with her planner in hand and says “Hey Ash this planner reminds of your kickball club you should bring her with you next time”. Then Ash immediately replies with an awkward laugh and says “Oh that’s where I met my current girlfriend of seven years”. I follow up with “yeah I’m not too interested in outdoor sports and I don’t have much free time”. There was an awkward silence then he left.

 

After that he started avoiding me and keeping convos short. Out of respect and optics I did the same, I wouldn’t be rude or anything I’d say hello and smile if I see him in the hall but that was it. I changed my routes around the building to avoid him and put on my headphones when he’s close so people wouldn’t try bring me in conversation they were having with him.

It’s been months probably closer too a year now and even though I’ve done all this things still feel off, more so with other coworkers other than Ash.

- I Just feel the eyes on me whenever he was near

- New people and people who I barely knew kept bringing up his name to me. (Usually after they start hanging out with his group)

- I had to help out Ash and his partner, Ash was sick and his partner said to me “As long as you don’t make out with him you should be good”

- Another one of his friends would laugh and pat his back and walk away whenever he sees him talking to me

- His friend group ignores me when I ignore him and is friendly when I’m friendly towards him. 

 

I honestly don’t know how to handle this I really don’t like the optics of looking like I’m a home wrecker. I wonder if I should’ve said something earlier when the kickball thing happened, it could’ve made worse. Even with what his friends are doing it’s all subtle if I call it out I’ll look crazy. I just miss being a wallflower everyone ignored.

I’m currently looking for a new job for many variables including this one but it’s been rough my industry is still recovering from pandemic.
 

Hey, just talk to Ash openly about it, stressing professional boundaries. Stay focused on work and your values. If things still feel off, note down instances and chat with HR. Your well-being matters, so also look into job options and stay informed about industry changes.