Wife wants separation for independence

[fantom1399]

A couple days ago, my wife asked how I would feel about having an open marriage. When I said that I was not interested because that was not how I was raised and I see marriage as monogamous, she said that she feels like something is missing and that she wants to be able to go and find her independence and possible different sex partners. She feels like sex is just an action and not necessarily about love. I was hurt. Hurt bad. I know I'm not the most experienced so I've tried different things in the bedroom to spice things up however it just wasn't enough and I think she might be looking for SOMEONE else instead of SOMETHING else. 

We have 1 child together and she has one from a previous relationship. We moved into a newer house a couple years ago and unfortunately I do not have the salary to pay for the mortgage as the interest rates are terrible at the moment. I would love to keep my child at the same school because he has made many friends here and it's a great community. If I could rent I would but it's a small town so not too many rentals around. 

We kind of in this limbo phase where her and I are still living in the same house but one of us is out from time to time. I want to give her the space she is asking for. I've been locking myself and sleeping in my son's room on the ground and she's been sleeping in our bed but I've also come to the realization that it shouldn't be me to compromise once again and l since she's the one who decided that she wants to leave. It's seems like that's all I have been doing throughout this marriage. I do most of the cooking , cleaning, taking the kids to their appointments or picking them up while. I did this because I thought I was being a good husband so that she doesn't have to be stressed about anything and just focus on herself but I guess to her, I was just always around and was suffocating her. To the point where she wants her space now. I have mentioned before that I feel unappreciated, stressed and at times alone because I received very little help. This led to the lack of intimacy and activity in the bedroom. From the beginning, I have always felt the need to take care of her but in doing so, I have lost my sense of identity. I would drop anything and everything if she needed something at the expense of my happiness. 

So now we're here, in a tough situation and something I thought would have never happened to me. BOY WAS I WRONG. I wouldn't consider myself as the greatest husband, I definitely have flaws but I think I definitely deserved better.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, fantom1399 said:

We have 1 child together and she has one from a previous relationship. We moved into a newer house a couple years ago and unfortunately I do not have the salary to pay for the mortgage 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? Do you both work outside the house? How old is she and how old is your child? 

Is she having affairs? Unfortunately it seems you're together for financial reasons? 

Yes it's a weird limbo not being able to afford a divorce or live separately. Hopefully you can consult an attorney and get some advice information and support about your situation. 

[Batya33]

Such nonsense calling it an "open marriage" -if she is so independent why can't she own her own desires- she wants to have intercourse with other men.  Don't let her dress it up with the word "marriage."  I know some people have an "open marriage" but typically it's two people who together decide they love each other and want to be married and also feel comfortable dating others, having sex with others, loving others romantically.  Not because there is something missing and not to find "independence" - having intercourse with multiple partners doesn't make you "independent" from your partner.  

I'd do what Wiseman suggeted.

[redswim30]

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 I know some people have an "open marriage" but typically it's two people who together decide they love each other and want to be married and also feel comfortable dating others, having sex with others, loving others romantically.  Not because there is something missing and not to find "independence" - having intercourse with multiple partners doesn't make you "independent" from your partner.  

 

^ THIS.  I also know married couples who have open marriages.  But do not let your wife gaslight you.  That is not what she is seeking.  She just wants to live like a single women whilst still having you around as a safety net.   This is wildly unfair and pretty cruel towards you.  Open marriages only work if BOTH people want and consent to it, otherwise it's just one partner asking permission to have affairs.  

I know it's difficult since you have children and are struggling financially.  However, I think you absolutely need to face facts that your wife really just wants to be single.  I don't think this desire of hers is just going to vanish into thin air.  Please consult an attorney and start thinking of ways you could live separately.  I know it seems impossible to think of, but trust me as someone who divorced with very little- you CAN do this and you will come out the other side. 

You already know this isn't a healthy marriage.  Marriage should not be about one person sacrificing their happiness, well-being, and potential contentment for the sole purpose of the other person's comfort.  That's not what a loving relationship looks like.  You already know that you DO deserve better.  

I have to wonder- what are you holding onto with your wife?  Why do you feel so determined to try and be in a marriage by yourself?  She clearly doesn't respect you.  She isn't all that concerned about your feelings, if at ALL.  She's treating you like a total doormat, not as her husband that she values and loves.  She's being incredibly selfish and not thinking of how detrimental this is to you and your child.  Unfortunately, no matter how much you love her or want her to behave responsibly, you cannot control your wife's actions and it sure sounds like she's gonna do whatever she darn well pleases- your marriage be damned. 

Your first action is making sure you protect yourself and your child.   You don't want to end up with an STD or for your child to be around some random men.  Please consult a lawyer and begin looking into options.   Once you have a plan in place, start making an exit strategy.   I'm sorry to say, I think your marriage is over.  This isn't a "compromise" issue.  She clearly wants to seek out other partners and you are not okay with it, unless one of you changes your mind (doubtful) this is really a marriage-breaker. 

Please do NOT let her string you along.  Please do NOT sit around hoping she will change her mind or stop.  Please do NOT let her push you around and treat you as her security blanket while she seeks to date other people.  If she wants to be independent- let her be. She can get her own apartment, pay you child support and set you free so that you can find someone else who believes in monogamy as you do and who will treat you with love and respect. There's little in this world that is more selfish than not wanting to commit to a romantic partner fully, but also refusing to let them go out of fear.   Don't stay with her to be her "fallback plan" in case her relationships with her new boyfriends don't work out.  You deserve better AND-  You HAVE to protect yourself and your child, as this has potential and severe ramifications for you both.  

[lostandhurt]

Okay I think you know she is already or wants to bang some other guy and asked your permission to do it. She is cheating on you at the very least emotionally but more than likely physically.

 She wants out then go all the way as soon as possible. Right now you are a cuckold keeping the house clean, cooking for her, taking care of the children and making a nice safe place to come home to when she is done cheating on you.   Is this the life you want?  Obviously not.

 Interestingly when I caught my wife cheating I offered to try and work things out and she countered she would stay but she wanted to "do her own thing". I just stood there for a second and then asked her "are you sick in the head?"  

Your wife has been planning this for some time and she showed just how little she thinks of you by even asking the question assuming you would be so meek and weak that you would go along with it.  Is that you?

First off you need to stop sleeping on the floor as you need to get good sleep while you begin the legal end of your marriage. She has already put an end to the loving emotional part so the legal part is the only thing left. Are you willing to put a stop to all this and take control back of your life or do you want to continue baby sitting while your wife has sex with other men?

Lost

[Coily]

You deserved a wife, not this person play acting as one.

Since she can't/won't appreciate your decision to have your idea proper marriage, I think your only recourse is to seek legal council for a divorce. Get your self in order, also seek primary custody of your son! I cannot emphasize that last part enough, do everything you can to ensure your son isn't exposed to a parade of her "special friends" in his life.*

That may entail you getting a cot and staying in the home as primary care giver for your son, and the other child. Outside of child care, minimize all interactions with this person, as you two are nothing more than legally bound roommates.

*A friend of mine had to fight for 3 years to get sole custody of his son as his ex was living her interpretation of "the single life." Which exposed his 4 year old to drug use and physical abuse, in addition to flagrantly missed custody exchanges. His mistake was to move out so quickly, at least in the eyes of some lousy judges; thus make sure you pick your attorney with seeking primary custody.

[fantom1399]

I think I messed it up this morning. I asked her to chat right before she was going to head out work at a cafe for some alone time (before she had to take my son to school) and it just went wild. We had a chat a couple nights ago about where we wanted to go from her and we agreed that we wanted to work on ourselves within the marriage but that left a lot of questions unanswered because to me, that means I would see some behaviours change or a push to marriage counseling (mens logical thinking, of course) but I didn't see anything that was new. We would send each other good morning texts or kiss goodnight and ask how the other's day was during the day but it was all surface level. She would go and find things to do so that she doesn't have to be in the house and when she is in the house, there's not communication or anything. She just sits there and gets ready for bed. I had the TV off because I just wanted to sit there and chat with her and get to know how her day was, try to connect but she said "anything on TV on a Wednesday?" I was hurt by that because it feels like I was the only one who is trying.

She has talked to our neighbor about counseling because they knew a couple of people who were going through the same thing. She was going to ask her friend if she could stay there for a couple of days just so she can get some space. Well I don't know what I'm going to do when she takes one of the cars and I'm left with the kids at home trying to figure out how to get everyone to all their events they have to go. She has mentioned that she can be out of the house for a couple of days, then I can go for a couple of days so that the load isn't too much for me to handle the kids. I don't know anymore. I honestly think that I'm just in the angry phase now and I just don't care anymore. I'm sure it'll hit me hard tomorrow or later this week when I have to tell my child that his mother and I are spending some time alone. update will follow, I guess

[fantom1399]

On 11/26/2023 at 6:36 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? Do you both work outside the house? How old is she and how old is your child? 

Is she having affairs? Unfortunately it seems you're together for financial reasons? 

Yes it's a weird limbo not being able to afford a divorce or live separately. Hopefully you can consult an attorney and get some advice information and support about your situation. 

We have been married for almost 7 years (together for 13). I currently work in the house most of the time and she works mainly out of the house but also does work at home. We have a child together (7 y/o) and she has one from a previous relationship at 17.

We had a joint account and she's been spending quite a bit of money the last couple of days so I mentioned that to her and we need to split our finances because I don't want to feel trapped like I have been the whole relationship. She makes considerably more money than me but she is the one always spending. I keep going back and forth on whether I want to sell the house and move somewhere else or try to keep the house somehow so that my son is able to stay at the same school and still have his friends to play with.

 

[Batya33]

I think it’s fine if she wants a few days away. But not as an ongoing arrangement. It doesn’t work for you and you don’t feel it’s good for the kids. Either it’s a mutual decision or you don’t have to go along with this level of upheaval. You have kids. Tell her it’s fine to get a day or so away. If you have time to plan for childcare. After that she has to come up with a specific plan that would involve some sort of permanent separation arrangement so the kids can have consistency. Otherwise you’re not ok with her coming and going and you don’t want to come and go either. 

[fantom1399]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it’s fine if she wants a few days away. But not as an ongoing arrangement. It doesn’t work for you and you don’t feel it’s good for the kids. Either it’s a mutual decision or you don’t have to go along with this level of upheaval. You have kids. Tell her it’s fine to get a day or so away. If you have time to plan for childcare. After that she has to come up with a specific plan that would involve some sort of permanent separation arrangement so the kids can have consistency. Otherwise you’re not ok with her coming and going and you don’t want to come and go either. 

He idea was to do this until the end of the year so that it affect the children as it's close to their birthdays and Christmas then in the New Year, we would see how we feel about our situation being together and go from there. However having the children wondering why mom or dad is out of the house for certain periods of time and rarely in it together, to me, it doesn't make a difference whether she goes now or later. They're still going to be heartbroken 

[boltnrun]

She's leaving the child who's not even yours behind too?

I have to say, it looks quite possible she has someone else lined up. 

I'm sorry. I recommend just talking to an attorney for advice only. Just so you have information. You don't want to be blindsided. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, fantom1399 said:

He idea was to do this until the end of the year so that it affect the children as it's close to their birthdays and Christmas then in the New Year, we would see how we feel about our situation being together and go from there. However having the children wondering why mom or dad is out of the house for certain periods of time and rarely in it together, to me, it doesn't make a difference whether she goes now or later. They're still going to be heartbroken 

I would do this only with the assistance of a professional. A therapist or counselor. And then you contact an attorney. There are ways to do this to lessen the impact on the kids. Make sure she knows you’re not going to go along with her casual plan so she can look for fresh meat and enjoy getting away from it all. 

[fantom1399]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She's leaving the child who's not even yours behind too?

I have to say, it looks quite possible she has someone else lined up. 

I'm sorry. I recommend just talking to an attorney for advice only. Just so you have information. You don't want to be blindsided. 

sorry I didn't really make it clear. I'm hoping that the teenager will stay at his father's house until we get things figured out here.

[Coily]

I would advise against you leaving the house for a week, it makes it harder for a father in court with custody hearings. If she wants to abandon your son, then that's on her and her choices; don't cater to her selfishness.

 

 

[fantom1399]

Just now, Coily said:

I would advise against you leaving the house for a week, it makes it harder for a father in court with custody hearings. If she wants to abandon your son, then that's on her and her choices; don't cater to her selfishness.

 

 

I agree. I don't plan on moving out until we have settle things here. I was simply looking for options on how I can move forward in the future if certain things happen. 

[lostandhurt]

I have been where you are which is back on your heels.  This is not a good place to be because you are reacting instead of acting on your own behalf.

 I know you think this can be saved and I hope it can be but it does not look good.  I say that from experience and being on this forum for a very long time seeing this very thing over and over again.

 Your future ex wife is just putting window dressing up right now.  She has turned her attention and emotions to another but is pretending she wants to "work on the marriage" Don't fall for any of her BS PLEASE!

 From now on you need to make statements not questions.  She wants to go visit her bf for a few days then you say "Fine with me just make sure your child has a safe place to stay while you are gone because I am not baby sitting for you"  Get my point?  Right now she is in fantasy land and there is no way you can compete with her imagined fantasy with this guy you do not want to admit exists.  Time to make it real for her.

 You need to see this clearly and plan for the worst and hope for the best.  Information is your friend right now so get some legal advice so you at least know what to expect and to also take some of the fear of the unknown away.  Trust me I was unprepared for what I needed to do and I wish I would have had someone in my ear helping me see clearly.

 This sucks I know but it is happening and no matter what she says she is not interested in having a loving respectful monogamous marriage with you.

  You are not going to change her mind and be the person you married, she is gone...

Lost

[fantom1399]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I have been where you are which is back on your heels.  This is not a good place to be because you are reacting instead of acting on your own behalf.

 I know you think this can be saved and I hope it can be but it does not look good.  I say that from experience and being on this forum for a very long time seeing this very thing over and over again.

 Your future ex wife is just putting window dressing up right now.  She has turned her attention and emotions to another but is pretending she wants to "work on the marriage" Don't fall for any of her BS PLEASE!

 From now on you need to make statements not questions.  She wants to go visit her bf for a few days then you say "Fine with me just make sure your child has a safe place to stay while you are gone because I am not baby sitting for you"  Get my point?  Right now she is in fantasy land and there is no way you can compete with her imagined fantasy with this guy you do not want to admit exists.  Time to make it real for her.

 You need to see this clearly and plan for the worst and hope for the best.  Information is your friend right now so get some legal advice so you at least know what to expect and to also take some of the fear of the unknown away.  Trust me I was unprepared for what I needed to do and I wish I would have had someone in my ear helping me see clearly.

 This sucks I know but it is happening and no matter what she says she is not interested in having a loving respectful monogamous marriage with you.

  You are not going to change her mind and be the person you married, she is gone...

Lost

I've been watching countless videos and listening to podcasts from when this started almost a week ago and I'm starting to see what things I did wrong this whole relationship. I was not in my masculine. I thought that if I did everything and anything for her, she would be happy. Now I'm slowly realizing that I gave the feminine energy more than she did. Again, this is why I felt like I was losing myself in the relationship as well and at times felt alone. It's because I didn't have that nurturing person there to be able calm me down and let me know handle my masculine energy. There's obviously a lot more work that needs to be done on myself and it's definitely going to be a long road ahead.

I've been through a long term break up before but I could go no contact and detach very quick as there were no attachments. This time is a little different. It'll be hard but I wouldn't change it for the world as this relationship gave me my son and that's who I need to focus on now.

[HeartGoesOn]

5 hours ago, fantom1399 said:

She has mentioned that she can be out of the house for a couple of days, then I can go for a couple of days so that the load isn't too much for me to handle the kids.

Wow, what a deal!  Obviously, she's looking for ways to come out smelling like a rose while she goes on the hunt.  She's not looking out for you, or the kids. as this is all about her which I'm sure you know.

My thoughts are you can't go forward, and have her on a leash, while waiting for the next shoe to drop.

[lostandhurt]

4 hours ago, fantom1399 said:

I'm starting to see what things I did wrong this whole relationship

At best you are 50% at fault for the marriage not doing well  but you are ZERO percent at fault for her behaving like a single woman while married with a child at home.  Do not take or let the blame for her character be laid at your feet ever.   I get it I do.  If you were the problem then all you have to do is fix you and things would be okay or even better but that is just you looking for the magic bullet to fix this.

 This is not your fault remember that always.  She has shown her true colors over and over again best you pay attention to them.

 I focused all my efforts and energies into my son and it will serve you well as you do the same.  They need at least one good parent so get healthy mind and body so he can see you are the rock he needs in his life.

 Lost

[Sally .C.]

This woman sounds like the type who will leave something great behind in search of greener grass, only to regret it later. I don't know her, of course, but it upsets me on behalf of yourself, but especially your child, that she would put them through a separation, which will affect their lives from here on out. Nevermind her first child who will suffer through more upheaval. This woman is showing her true colors.

I wonder why her relationship with the father of her first child ended? Was she in search of greener pastures then as well?

I'm not going to jump to suggesting a divorce...but definitely some couples counseling, and definitely obtain as much legal advice as you can in the meantime, in order to protect yourself later on if need be.

It's great that you have some thoughts on your ownership in the failing of this relationship. That's a good starting point to a conversation with her about the future. I hope she cares enough about you, and her children, to listen, and to try.

[mylolita]

Good afternoon Fantom! 
 

This is, disgraceful, horrible behaviour from your wife. She has already left the building, mentally. I can see how noble it is that you are suggesting ways to work around this and to patch things up - she doesn’t deserve your behaviour and kind gestures. 
 

You have children to think about - that is the main thing; and they come before your wife’s fantasy dalliances and both your own struggles and feelings. You have to expose your children to as little of this emotional upheaval as possible, keep things as normal and stable as possible, and also you must stay with them as long as you can, as others have wisely said. It seems you are the constant, loving figure in their lives and they need that! And you might need it too, since your wife has turned so cold and distant! Draw strength from your babies love! You need to be thinking of them now, and protecting them.

 

I would keep a dated note of everything that happens now, for future legal action. How long she leaves. Keep texts. It sounds sneaky but better to be safe than sorry. 
 

I always think it is beyond neglectful and irresponsible that mostly nearly single mums with children start dating and bringing men back and you hear the horror stories of neglect and secret abuse at the hands of men who are strangers. You have to keep this in mind. You both need to be in agreement on this, as you share a child. 
 

Seek legal advice, and I would stop trying to placate her. Be civil, be pleasant, but it seems like her mind is potentially made up. People won’t further respect a partner they have already decided to ditch if they get even a whiff of grovel or pleading or any of that. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your babies, try and come up with a plan of action for housing (keep looking for rentals, ask locals, ask family!) and try and also get yourself back on your feet financially, as it will only help you. I know this is a heck of a lot. 
 

Let her leave for days to meet up with whoever - which I suspect she probably is - keep it as normal for the children and enjoy your break with them, it’s hard but not a burden. They can be your source of joy and comfort at this time if you let them. 
 

I am always for parents staying together if there is no abuse for the most part - I think children need a mother and father very badly, it is essential - but! If one is hell bent on getting away and checking out; there is really nothing you can do about it. You have already done so much! 
 

Please, don’t blame yourself, and take strength and comfort in the fact you are a good father, and continue to be, even through these testing times! 
 

All the best,

 

x

 

PS - I realise you have nothing to lose, but marriage therapy does seem like a losing battle. Please still go if it keeps your spirits up and you can rest easier with yourself knowing you tried everything, but often once marriage has got to the joint therapy stage, it’s often quite far gone anyway, and a clutch at straws. All the best. 

[redswim30]

23 hours ago, fantom1399 said:

He idea was to do this until the end of the year so that it affect the children as it's close to their birthdays and Christmas then in the New Year, we would see how we feel about our situation being together and go from there. However having the children wondering why mom or dad is out of the house for certain periods of time and rarely in it together, to me, it doesn't make a difference whether she goes now or later. They're still going to be heartbroken 

OP, I HIGHLY advise you to exercise EXTREME caution here.  If she wants to leave the marital home, let her.  However, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME YOURSELF for days at a time, especially leaving your child with her.  You cannot trust your wife at this point, and it would be foolish of you to let her hold all the cards in this moment.   

I would tell her that if SHE wants to get her own apartment, she can.  But that you will not leave the home for days at time.  She can SAY it's "to give you a break from the child" but I think she has sneakier motives in mind.   WORST case scenario, she's going to use the days you are away from the home as potential "proof" that you are abandoning her and your child  " He moved out" or at LEAST to make it look like this is a MUTUAL decision (which we already know it is not) and this will hurt you in court.  You may need to fight for full custody of your child at some point, so PLEASE DO NOT FALL FOR IT.  Fathers already have an uphill battle when it comes to child custody in divorces, so do NOT set yourself up for an even bigger battle with this.    Even if this is NOT your wife's plan- do NOT leave your child alone in that house with her.  You do not want her bringing her new boyfriends into your home with YOUR child.  This is dangerous for you and your child on multiple levels.   DO NOT AGREE TO THIS!!!!!! 

Do NOT let her emotionally manipulate you with things like " I want our son's life to be as normal as possible" or " I want to give you a break from him".   I would say, " Our son needs my consistent presence in his life.  I do not think us rotating in and out of the home is wise.  I think one of us should remain in the home perpetually and that should be me.   Maybe it is best for you to get your own apartment and we can figure out days that you can come over when I am home."   

Set yourself and your son up for SAFETY and SUCCESS.   If your wife wants to be "Independent", then let her be.   But do NOT simply bow down to what she wants, namely having her cake and eating it too.  She wants to look like a better mother while essentially abandoning you and her children for sex.  DONT FALL FOR IT, OP.   You'll only be hurting yourself and your child. 

[fantom1399]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Good afternoon Fantom! 
 

This is, disgraceful, horrible behaviour from your wife. She has already left the building, mentally. I can see how noble it is that you are suggesting ways to work around this and to patch things up - she doesn’t deserve your behaviour and kind gestures. 
 

You have children to think about - that is the main thing; and they come before your wife’s fantasy dalliances and both your own struggles and feelings. You have to expose your children to as little of this emotional upheaval as possible, keep things as normal and stable as possible, and also you must stay with them as long as you can, as others have wisely said. It seems you are the constant, loving figure in their lives and they need that! And you might need it too, since your wife has turned so cold and distant! Draw strength from your babies love! You need to be thinking of them now, and protecting them.

 

I would keep a dated note of everything that happens now, for future legal action. How long she leaves. Keep texts. It sounds sneaky but better to be safe than sorry. 
 

I always think it is beyond neglectful and irresponsible that mostly nearly single mums with children start dating and bringing men back and you hear the horror stories of neglect and secret abuse at the hands of men who are strangers. You have to keep this in mind. You both need to be in agreement on this, as you share a child. 
 

Seek legal advice, and I would stop trying to placate her. Be civil, be pleasant, but it seems like her mind is potentially made up. People won’t further respect a partner they have already decided to ditch if they get even a whiff of grovel or pleading or any of that. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your babies, try and come up with a plan of action for housing (keep looking for rentals, ask locals, ask family!) and try and also get yourself back on your feet financially, as it will only help you. I know this is a heck of a lot. 
 

Let her leave for days to meet up with whoever - which I suspect she probably is - keep it as normal for the children and enjoy your break with them, it’s hard but not a burden. They can be your source of joy and comfort at this time if you let them. 
 

I am always for parents staying together if there is no abuse for the most part - I think children need a mother and father very badly, it is essential - but! If one is hell bent on getting away and checking out; there is really nothing you can do about it. You have already done so much! 
 

Please, don’t blame yourself, and take strength and comfort in the fact you are a good father, and continue to be, even through these testing times! 
 

All the best,

 

x

 

PS - I realise you have nothing to lose, but marriage therapy does seem like a losing battle. Please still go if it keeps your spirits up and you can rest easier with yourself knowing you tried everything, but often once marriage has got to the joint therapy stage, it’s often quite far gone anyway, and a clutch at straws. All the best. 

Thank you for your kind words. I mentioned marriage counseling to her the other morning and if she had any interest in going and she said that she wasn't up for that right now because she still needs space. It's only been a week so I get that but I will not get out of the house. I've been taking my son everywhere before we separated so it'll be no different now when she stays somewhere else. Again, I don't want to think that this is all about sex. I think she is just looking for someone in their masculinity and comfortable taking charge of situations. Unfortunately because I took care of everything in the house, I've taken on the more feminine energy role, which I think is what drove her away. Obviously there are a lot other things going on for her to make this decision but our communication wasn't the greatest. She would internalize everything and never tell me what is going on. I feel like I didn't create a safe enough space for her to share and that's what's killing me inside. I did everything for her physically but not emotionally. I go through the highs and lows and right now, I'm way down in the dumps. I try to psych myself up and self-talk, let myself know that I cannot change what I don't have control over, that I'm should be valued and respected in my partner but that nagging voice will sometimes creep in and just take over.

[boltnrun]

The answer to marital dissatisfaction isn't to go searching for sex outside of the marriage. And it's baloney (sorry) that it's your fault because you didn't create a "safe space" for her to say "I'm feeling dissatisfied with our marriage and I'd like us to work on it." She sure didn't have any trouble letting you take on the brunt of childcare, did she?

I'm glad you're doing some introspection as that is always helpful but the conclusion shouldn't be that her affairs are your fault. She had other options but chose to pursue extramarital sex instead. That's on her. 

[boltnrun]

And I get why it's soothing to believe it's your fault because that means you can "fix" it. But it's not entirely your fault and it takes both of you to "fix" it. She seems disinterested in repairing the marriage.

As said before, please contact an attorney and make an appointment to discuss your rights and get some recommendations on what you can do now and in the future.