MIL Made Extremely Rude Comment

[niceknowingyou45]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well tbh your attitude about this entire situation and how your words on this thread come across is that to you, it IS some sort of a competition.

What's interesting is that you had a gripe that his mom viewed you as controlling and by attempting to have a say in whether she tracks him or not IS controlling!

How do you not realize this?  Your attitude and actions are proving her right! 

Let it go, it's between them, mother and son.  Their RL should have nothing or very little to do with your relationship with him.

Why is it any of your business what the hell she does?  Whether she tracks him or not, so what?  How do you even know about it? 

It doesn't have any impact on your relationship with him unless YOU make it one.

I agree it's probably not healthy (for her mostjy) but it shouldn't be your problem.  If it doesn't bother HIM, why should it bother you? 

LET IT GO....  Learn to accept the things we cannot change and trust me you will never be able to change this..

Because by her tracking him it's a sign she hasn't let go of my husband.  And of course if a future wife is seeing signs that her husband to be mother hasn't let go of him that could be negative signs for the marriage.  Tracking my husband does effect me because it's downright strange.  Of course spouses discuss things with each other and if they see a behavior that could be a red flag it's gonna be mentioned.  By his mother tracking him by proxy she is tracking me to because of course much of the time we are together so she will know our whereabouts.  Also it's a little rich for her to call me controlling when she is literally tracking her grown son and needs to know her exact where about.  That's the most controlling part of the whole story.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

Because by her tracking him it's a sign she hasn't let go of my husband.  And of course if a future wife is seeing signs that her husband to be mother hasn't let go of him that could be negative signs for the marriage.  Tracking my husband does effect me because it's downright strange.  Of course spouses discuss things with each other and if they see a behavior that could be a red flag it's gonna be mentioned.  By his mother tracking him by proxy she is tracking me to because of course much of the time we are together so she will know our whereabouts.  Also it's a little rich for her to call me controlling when she is literally tracking her grown son and needs to know her exact where about.  That's the most controlling part of the whole story.

Your explanation doesn't fly with me, sorry.  You say "of course" ..... like it's some universal truth, it's not.  I don't view it that way at all and honestly wouldn't give a rat's rear end what my MIL did when her son and I were married, that's HER business.

You still haven't explained why it's your business other than it's "strange" which it is, I'll give you that.

But other than that, it only becomes a red flag if YOU allow it to be.

Meaning, if you cannot let this go and accept that you will never be able to change this, THAT is the red flag and will be the downfall to your marriage, NOT the fact she tracks him.

[niceknowingyou45]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Your explanation doesn't fly with me, sorry.  You say "of course" ..... like it's some universal truth, it's not.  I don't view it that way at all and honestly wouldn't give a rat's rear end what my MIL did when her son and I were married, that's HER business.

You still haven't explained why it's your business other than it's "strange" which it is, I'll give you that.

But other than that, it only becomes a red flag if YOU allow it to be.

Meaning, if you cannot let this go and accept that you will never be able to change this, THAT is the red flag and will be the downfall to your marriage, NOT the fact she tracks him.

But you said it yourself it's a strange boundary on the part of his mom.  And my fiance did put a stop to the tracking as he should.  He is about to be married and his mom needs to cut the adult umbilical cord.   What is the purpose of needing to track your adult married son? He did take the tracker off thank god. So that's a great sign!

[niceknowingyou45]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Your explanation doesn't fly with me, sorry.  You say "of course" ..... like it's some universal truth, it's not.  I don't view it that way at all and honestly wouldn't give a rat's rear end what my MIL did when her son and I were married, that's HER business.

You still haven't explained why it's your business other than it's "strange" which it is, I'll give you that.

But other than that, it only becomes a red flag if YOU allow it to be.

Meaning, if you cannot let this go and accept that you will never be able to change this, THAT is the red flag and will be the downfall to your marriage, NOT the fact she tracks him.

I think it's weird that you think it's weird I know things about my spouse.  Like why wouldn't I know that about my spouse?

[Seraphim]

So, it isn’t an existing issue so let it go now. 

[Seraphim]

Are you here to get help or vent ? Vent posts are fine btw, I make some myself. Tell people ahead of time I just want to vent I don’t want an actual solution or advice I just want to say something out loud. That is valid. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

But you said it yourself it's a strange boundary on the part of his mom.  And my fiance did put a stop to the tracking as he should.  He is about to be married and his mom needs to cut the adult umbilical cord.   What is the purpose of needing to track your adult married son? He did take the tracker off thank god. So that's a great sign!

I think it's strange that he permitted this as an adult.  Marital status has nothing to do with it.  I'm glad he chose to stop.  That level of control is unhealthy unless there are reasons we don't know about -like he has some sort of disability or illness -or she does. 

The whole process of parenting as I wrote above is letting go and giving your child the age appropriate skills of independence even if it means putting a maternal desire to protect aside -or partly aside.  That way when they reach adulthood they hopefully are armed with independent living skills. 

I wrote exception because there are instances where tracking might be needed I'm sure - and it sounds like that is not your partner's situation.  It's odd he permitted this as an adult.  There should be no tight leash in general -no tight cord - other than in rare situations -dangerous or where you know your child needs you by his side because it requires Mama Bear. 

I don't at all agree with your framing of - oh now that he put a ring on it time to cut the tracking cord.  No relevant connection but I'd consider why he let this go on so long.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

He is about to be married and his mom needs to cut the adult umbilical cord. 

His mom needs to do whatever is right for HER, whatever SHE wants to do.   It's not your place to be telling her what SHE "needs" to do.  

THAT is controlling.  

Just go love your husband and be happy.  It sounds like he has a good handle on the situation as he should, it's HIS mom.

I'm going to gracefully bow out because now I sound controlling, telling you to NOT be. 😀

I wish you both the best. 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

.  And my fiance did put a stop to the tracking as he should.   

Wait to get professional advice. Any qualified therapist will be quite interested to hear that a 28 year old man's mother insisted on tracking apps and joint banking.  You may get some tips on how to deal with her and the therapist can help your fiance with ways to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries without her going ballistic that she's losing her "baby".

[Cherylyn]

On 11/16/2023 at 3:19 AM, Batya33 said:

I think it's essential for a marriage - as stuff comes up.  And I don't agree with the assumptions -depends on the individual relationships. And also sometimes on financial ties.  As an outsider - I  loved my inlaws -FIL became cranky and not as nice after my MIL passed for his last couple of years in his late 80s - but in general you marry the family and no I don't think wife is always Queen Bee.  

MIL isn't Queen Bee.  No one is but there needs to be mutual respect and kind words exchanged without the elder ~ normally the MIL talking down in a condescending  manner to the DIL just because she is the mother of her son.  Unfortunately,  many times,  just because the MIL is older and she is the mother of her son whom she now must share with her DIL,  she can and often times will throw her weight around and let her DIL "know her place" in the family.  It's nothing I hadn't heard before.  🙄 😒

It's not about competition.  It's about the DIL often times having to yield to her MIL just because of MIL's senior status in the family but it doesn't mean the MIL has the right to act superior to the DIL and habitually or speak rudely at random whenever it strikes her fancy.  This is where the problem lies.  😣

I agree with you regarding financial ties.  Often times MIL can be monetarily awfully generous so in that regard,  money talks and it's a (hopefully temporary) put up and shut up situation.  😷

There are times when you can't do anything about MIL's chronic "mouth problem."  However,  DIL can always take the passive aggressive route.  If DIL was generous in the past,  change the dynamic.  Don't be generous anymore whether it was with your kind words,  compliments,  gestures,  labor,  help,  attention,  getting together,  socializing,  perhaps giving home cooked meals if you reside locally or any outreaches of goodwill and a good heart.  All of that comes to a screeching halt.  Not that it would teach MIL a lesson to behave honorably but DIL's desire to be nice to MIL is dead.  @niceknowingyou45,  OP,  this is what boundaries are.  Live your own life and if your paths must cross,  make sure it's down to the bare minimum at best.   Boundaries are your safe place.  MIL can't give you" air pollution" as long as you make yourself unavailable to her. 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

MIL isn't Queen Bee.  No one is but there needs to be mutual respect and kind words exchanged without the elder ~ normally the MIL talking down in a condescending  manner to the DIL just because she is the mother of her son.  Unfortunately,  many times,  just because the MIL is older and she is the mother of her son whom she now must share with her DIL,  she can and often times will throw her weight around and let her DIL "know her place" in the family.  It's nothing I hadn't heard before.  🙄 😒

It's not about competition.  It's about the DIL often times having to yield to her MIL just because of MIL's senior status in the family but it doesn't mean the MIL has the right to act superior to the DIL and habitually or speak rudely at random whenever it strikes her fancy.  This is where the problem lies.  😣

I agree with you regarding financial ties.  Often times MIL can be monetarily awfully generous so in that regard,  money talks and it's a (hopefully temporary) put up and shut up situation.  😷

There are times when you can't do anything about MIL's chronic "mouth problem."  However,  DIL can always take the passive aggressive route.  If DIL was generous in the past,  change the dynamic.  Don't be generous anymore whether it was with your kind words,  compliments,  gestures,  labor,  help,  attention,  getting together,  socializing,  perhaps giving home cooked meals if you reside locally or any outreaches of goodwill and a good heart.  All of that comes to a screeching halt.  Not that it would teach MIL a lesson to behave honorably but DIL's desire to be nice to MIL is dead.  @niceknowingyou45,  OP,  this is what boundaries are.  Live your own life and if your paths must cross,  make sure it's down to the bare minimum at best.   Boundaries are your safe place.  MIL can't give you" air pollution" as long as you make yourself unavailable to her. 

I don't relate to what you wrote -mostly -I mean I've seen sitcoms and movies furthering these sorts of stereotypes, heard the in law jokes and sarcasm and I see life in general as much more nuanced and people as individuals so I responded to this situation as an individual situation.

And it's not just based on my personal experience at all - I know of many many families where there are all sorts of people who are the inlaws including where the spouses are the same gender.  I agree with what many others have written here about this specific situation and the specific ways the OP has reacted on this thread.

[Tinydance]

Firstly, I just want to say that I'm totally on your side in regards to the tracking issue and the bank account issue. I agree that needed to be addressed  and your fiance for address it and remove his mother from the tracker and his bank account. So in that sense he's making the right steps towards being more independent. So in this situation your fiance has respected your wishes a lot more than his mother, so he "chose" you above his mother just in this situation specifically.

Where I agree with all the other posters though is that you actually have an attitude about all this which will not be helpful to you. I totally understand why you're really upset and I would be too. What the problem is that you've now turned completely against his mother and are "ready to fight" in a sense. I'm not saying this because I'm on the mother's side but this is just not going to go well for you.

In my opinion you're wrong that the wife always has to be put above the mother and mother gets demoted to "extended family". His mother isn't his extended family. She is his really close family. She's literally the woman who gave birth to him and raised him. And from the sounds of it they are actually also very close. He wouldn't have had his Mum tracking him or on his bank account if he wasn't close to her. How do you actually expect him to just push his mother aside? She's also the mother of his siblings. He will want to maintain a good relationship with his mother and his whole family  basically.

You don't have to like his mother but as much as you may not like it, you have to get along with her and be polite. You want to marry this man so he comes as a package with that woman being his mother. She isn't going anywhere until she dies. She will always be part of his life until she's not alive anymore. So if you don't act polite and keep fighting with the mother then you will have really big problems. And if he's super close to his mother and you keep turning against her then there's actually a chance he might choose his Mum over you eventually. I think if you want to be part of the family then it's in your best interests to "play nice". 

If you want to get your point across, you can do that by being more subtle and diplomatic. For example, you wanted the mother removed off the tracking app and bank account and that was achieved. The mother's reaction wasn't good but if you escalate the conflict it will get worse. If you just keep back and act polite, the mother might move on from this. But if you blow it out of proportion then you're making an enemy. And you're making an enemy out of someone who will always be there. 

Also sorry but I agree that "wives are replacable" just from the perspective that some relationships aren't forever. I'm not saying that as a rude thing but it's just the reality of life. For example, I'm super close with my Mum and she was always there for me. But my partners came and went. There is no way I would cut my Mum off just because a partner didn't like it. My Mum means everything to me and she's actually my only family because my Dad is dying of cancer and I'm an only child. I would not be putting a partner above my Mum because she's really important to me. By expecting your partner to push his mother away and make her "extended family", you would actually be ruining the relationship with your partner. 

 

[Seraphim]

18 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Firstly, I just want to say that I'm totally on your side in regards to the tracking issue and the bank account issue. I agree that needed to be addressed  and your fiance for address it and remove his mother from the tracker and his bank account. So in that sense he's making the right steps towards being more independent. So in this situation your fiance has respected your wishes a lot more than his mother, so he "chose" you above his mother just in this situation specifically.

Where I agree with all the other posters though is that you actually have an attitude about all this which will not be helpful to you. I totally understand why you're really upset and I would be too. What the problem is that you've now turned completely against his mother and are "ready to fight" in a sense. I'm not saying this because I'm on the mother's side but this is just not going to go well for you.

In my opinion you're wrong that the wife always has to be put above the mother and mother gets demoted to "extended family". His mother isn't his extended family. She is his really close family. She's literally the woman who gave birth to him and raised him. And from the sounds of it they are actually also very close. He wouldn't have had his Mum tracking him or on his bank account if he wasn't close to her. How do you actually expect him to just push his mother aside? She's also the mother of his siblings. He will want to maintain a good relationship with his mother and his whole family  basically.

You don't have to like his mother but as much as you may not like it, you have to get along with her and be polite. You want to marry this man so he comes as a package with that woman being his mother. She isn't going anywhere until she dies. She will always be part of his life until she's not alive anymore. So if you don't act polite and keep fighting with the mother then you will have really big problems. And if he's super close to his mother and you keep turning against her then there's actually a chance he might choose his Mum over you eventually. I think if you want to be part of the family then it's in your best interests to "play nice". 

If you want to get your point across, you can do that by being more subtle and diplomatic. For example, you wanted the mother removed off the tracking app and bank account and that was achieved. The mother's reaction wasn't good but if you escalate the conflict it will get worse. If you just keep back and act polite, the mother might move on from this. But if you blow it out of proportion then you're making an enemy. And you're making an enemy out of someone who will always be there. 

Also sorry but I agree that "wives are replacable" just from the perspective that some relationships aren't forever. I'm not saying that as a rude thing but it's just the reality of life. For example, I'm super close with my Mum and she was always there for me. But my partners came and went. There is no way I would cut my Mum off just because a partner didn't like it. My Mum means everything to me and she's actually my only family because my Dad is dying of cancer and I'm an only child. I would not be putting a partner above my Mum because she's really important to me. By expecting your partner to push his mother away and make her "extended family", you would actually be ruining the relationship with your partner. 

 

Agreed parents aren’t “ extended” family. OP,
 if you think that you also demoted your own parents and family . 

[TacticalLinguine]

The more I read the more it feels like his mother has cause for her stress. YOU come off incredibly controlling. 

[niceknowingyou45]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Firstly, I just want to say that I'm totally on your side in regards to the tracking issue and the bank account issue. I agree that needed to be addressed  and your fiance for address it and remove his mother from the tracker and his bank account. So in that sense he's making the right steps towards being more independent. So in this situation your fiance has respected your wishes a lot more than his mother, so he "chose" you above his mother just in this situation specifically.

Where I agree with all the other posters though is that you actually have an attitude about all this which will not be helpful to you. I totally understand why you're really upset and I would be too. What the problem is that you've now turned completely against his mother and are "ready to fight" in a sense. I'm not saying this because I'm on the mother's side but this is just not going to go well for you.

In my opinion you're wrong that the wife always has to be put above the mother and mother gets demoted to "extended family". His mother isn't his extended family. She is his really close family. She's literally the woman who gave birth to him and raised him. And from the sounds of it they are actually also very close. He wouldn't have had his Mum tracking him or on his bank account if he wasn't close to her. How do you actually expect him to just push his mother aside? She's also the mother of his siblings. He will want to maintain a good relationship with his mother and his whole family  basically.

You don't have to like his mother but as much as you may not like it, you have to get along with her and be polite. You want to marry this man so he comes as a package with that woman being his mother. She isn't going anywhere until she dies. She will always be part of his life until she's not alive anymore. So if you don't act polite and keep fighting with the mother then you will have really big problems. And if he's super close to his mother and you keep turning against her then there's actually a chance he might choose his Mum over you eventually. I think if you want to be part of the family then it's in your best interests to "play nice". 

If you want to get your point across, you can do that by being more subtle and diplomatic. For example, you wanted the mother removed off the tracking app and bank account and that was achieved. The mother's reaction wasn't good but if you escalate the conflict it will get worse. If you just keep back and act polite, the mother might move on from this. But if you blow it out of proportion then you're making an enemy. And you're making an enemy out of someone who will always be there. 

Also sorry but I agree that "wives are replacable" just from the perspective that some relationships aren't forever. I'm not saying that as a rude thing but it's just the reality of life. For example, I'm super close with my Mum and she was always there for me. But my partners came and went. There is no way I would cut my Mum off just because a partner didn't like it. My Mum means everything to me and she's actually my only family because my Dad is dying of cancer and I'm an only child. I would not be putting a partner above my Mum because she's really important to me. By expecting your partner to push his mother away and make her "extended family", you would actually be ruining the relationship with your partner. 

 

I am not just a partner though I will become a spouse. If you were referencing a bf/gf relationship I would tend to agree with you but it becomes a whole different ball game when the vows are exchanged and the Gf status becomes wife status.  It changes legally and it should change in terms of the wife taking more of a priority.  Otherwise if you view her as replaceable why get married if ultimately she is going to stay on the same "level" as just a regular old GF would. 

And yes you're right it was harsh of me to say that his mother should now be his extended family however I still stand by my belief that generally the wife comes before the mother.  Obviously if his mother is in the hospital with something serious and I have a minor cold his mother takes priority but in day to day life considering he is sharing a home, a life, possible children with me in the future, he made vows to me I think if me and his mother are arguing he should be supporting me and forming a united front with me as his wife.  I think most premarital counselors and marriage counselors over all would agree with that.  

I would never dream of asking him to cut his mother off I already made that very clear.   I will not become just "a partner" that he met off of tinder though.  I am not talking about some dude I had a one night stand with or who I have dated for 2 months I am talking about a man who I have been with for many years now and have a set wedding date with.  

I also hope it cuts both ways though my husband to be shouldn't cut me off if his mother doesn't like it and if you say he shouldn't put me above his mother than again shouldn't it work both ways that he also doesn't put his mother ahead of me?  Not sure why I am supposed to bend over backwards to respect the role his mother plays in his life for raising him but the role of being his wife and being the woman he is about to make vows to doesn't get respected in the same way.  

I definitely agree with you 100% thought that it was wrong of me to say his mother becomes extended family because that isn't the case however in day to day life he should be putting me first when it comes to backing me up and forming a united front with me.  Again of course there are extenuating circumstances like for example I mentioned if I have a tiny cold and his mom is being hospitalized of course he should tend to his mom and visit her over my cold.

However if it's a general matter of pleasing his mom or pleasing his wife he should be aiming more to please the woman he is in a partnership with and who he comes home to and lays his head down with at night. 

So please correct me if I'm misunderstanding your point but I am assuming you are saying in general the wife should come first but like the hospital vs having a cold example I gave that is an example of when his mom would come first?

[niceknowingyou45]

2 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

The more I read the more it feels like his mother has cause for her stress. YOU come off incredibly controlling. 

To be fair consider the source though.  This opinion of me being controlling is coming from a woman who tracks her 28 year old son's whereabouts and had a whole fit about being taken off of it and having his wife on his bank account instead of his mother.  at TWENTY EIGHT!  

Clearly she isn't exactly of sound mind here.  

[niceknowingyou45]

4 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

The more I read the more it feels like his mother has cause for her stress. YOU come off incredibly controlling. 

Also how am I coming off incredibly controlling when I said I would never dream of telling my husband how often he can see or visit his mother.

I am just amazed that you get out of his mother having a fit she doesn't have financial access to her son's accounts and exact where about that it isn't her that comes across as the incredibly controlling one but rather me.

[Seraphim]

Why are you going on and on and on about a situation which is now over ? She no longer tracts him or had any control on his account . Done and dusted . 

[niceknowingyou45]

You guys are right that I should let the tracking thing and the account issue go because my fiance put a stop to it.  If his mom's reaction was a normal reaction of understanding her son is about to start the next chapter in his life and be a married man I could a lot more easily put it behind me but she isn't reacting in an emotionally healthy way.  She is treating my soon to be husband as a surrogate partner and being extremely manipulative to him and there is some toxic enmeshment on her end at play here and I do seriously worry about her trying to manipulate and guilt my husband in the future and coerce him.

This is why I set up an appointment with a pre-marriage counselor for the following week because I feel there are some things we need to work through such as knowing my fiance will be strong enough to continue to set boundaries and stand up to his mother.

Sorry to disappoint but every peer I talked to who attended pre marital counseling told me that one of the main points their counselor mentioned was entering a marriage meant a shift in your relationship dynamics and that yes your spouse comes first in the general sense.  Again not referencing extenuating circumstances like an illness or something along those lines.  Meaning they are a spouse first and foremost and a son/daughter second.

 

[Tinydance]

31 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

I am not just a partner though I will become a spouse. If you were referencing a bf/gf relationship I would tend to agree with you but it becomes a whole different ball game when the vows are exchanged and the Gf status becomes wife status.  It changes legally and it should change in terms of the wife taking more of a priority.  Otherwise if you view her as replaceable why get married if ultimately she is going to stay on the same "level" as just a regular old GF would. 

And yes you're right it was harsh of me to say that his mother should now be his extended family however I still stand by my belief that generally the wife comes before the mother.  Obviously if his mother is in the hospital with something serious and I have a minor cold his mother takes priority but in day to day life considering he is sharing a home, a life, possible children with me in the future, he made vows to me I think if me and his mother are arguing he should be supporting me and forming a united front with me as his wife.  I think most premarital counselors and marriage counselors over all would agree with that.  

I would never dream of asking him to cut his mother off I already made that very clear.   I will not become just "a partner" that he met off of tinder though.  I am not talking about some dude I had a one night stand with or who I have dated for 2 months I am talking about a man who I have been with for many years now and have a set wedding date with.  

I also hope it cuts both ways though my husband to be shouldn't cut me off if his mother doesn't like it and if you say he shouldn't put me above his mother than again shouldn't it work both ways that he also doesn't put his mother ahead of me?  Not sure why I am supposed to bend over backwards to respect the role his mother plays in his life for raising him but the role of being his wife and being the woman he is about to make vows to doesn't get respected in the same way.  

I definitely agree with you 100% thought that it was wrong of me to say his mother becomes extended family because that isn't the case however in day to day life he should be putting me first when it comes to backing me up and forming a united front with me.  Again of course there are extenuating circumstances like for example I mentioned if I have a tiny cold and his mom is being hospitalized of course he should tend to his mom and visit her over my cold.

However if it's a general matter of pleasing his mom or pleasing his wife he should be aiming more to please the woman he is in a partnership with and who he comes home to and lays his head down with at night. 

So please correct me if I'm misunderstanding your point but I am assuming you are saying in general the wife should come first but like the hospital vs having a cold example I gave that is an example of when his mom would come first?

You keep talking about this more and more like it's a competition. Why do you keep saying that the wife or mother has to come first? Is it some kind of reality TV show where someone is going to win and someone is going to lose? Lol You keep saying your partner is 28 and he needs to be more mature. Yes being an adult is being mature and unfortunately that means you don't always have to win or be right. Yes a person's partner is a huge part of their life but they might also have other extremely important people in their life. For example, family members or best friends. I have best friends I've known for 20 + years who have always been there for me and are a huge part of my life. Just because I get a partner I'm not now all of a sudden going to demote every single person to me to "distant acquaintance" and make my partner number 1 and the only one in my whole universe.

Wanting to be above everyone in your partner's life in a competitive way is actually not mature and yes it's controlling. That's what controlling actually is. It's trying to alienate your partner from their loved ones. You say you wouldn't want to control how often your partner sees his Mum etc. But you do want your partner to only agree with you and value only your opinions. First of all, your partner is an individual person. And as you keep saying, he's a grown man. He doesn't automatically only have to only side with you or only ever listen to you just because you're hus wife. He's allowed to have his own opinions and beliefs. He's allowed to be an individual and have his own life too.

I think it's very common not to like your partner's mother but you need to be realistic as well. Your partner's family consists of him, his siblings and their other relatives who are all related to his mother or his mother's actual children. What is your expectations to be part of this family if you're going to act hostile or superior towards the mother? Do you think the whole family will support you, or will they side with the own mother or relative? Do you see what I'm saying?

[Seraphim]

Okay at this point I think you are here to vent and actually don’t care about advice or what anyone is saying because you are repeating the same talking points over and over and over no matter what anyone says, so there is no growth happening here . 

[Tinydance]

9 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

You guys are right that I should let the tracking thing and the account issue go because my fiance put a stop to it.  If his mom's reaction was a normal reaction of understanding her son is about to start the next chapter in his life and be a married man I could a lot more easily put it behind me but she isn't reacting in an emotionally healthy way.  She is treating my soon to be husband as a surrogate partner and being extremely manipulative to him and there is some toxic enmeshment on her end at play here and I do seriously worry about her trying to manipulate and guilt my husband in the future and coerce him.

This is why I set up an appointment with a pre-marriage counselor for the following week because I feel there are some things we need to work through such as knowing my fiance will be strong enough to continue to set boundaries and stand up to his mother.

Sorry to disappoint but every peer I talked to who attended pre marital counseling told me that one of the main points their counselor mentioned was entering a marriage meant a shift in your relationship dynamics and that yes your spouse comes first in the general sense.  Again not referencing extenuating circumstances like an illness or something along those lines.  Meaning they are a spouse first and foremost and a son/daughter second.

 

Wow sorry but I disagree with this. Your partner is not anyone first or second. They have really important people in their life who they love and who mean a lot to them. It is not a competition. They don't have to choose some people over others or change their life really drastically just because they get a partner. They are allowed to have an identity which comprises of being different things to different people. E.g. Son, Dad, brother, friend, husband. Your partner doesn't owe you to begin demoting other loved ones just because they married you. This expectation actually makes you the controlling person, not anyone else.

[niceknowingyou45]

7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Wow sorry but I disagree with this. Your partner is not anyone first or second. They have really important people in their life who they love and who mean a lot to them. It is not a competition. They don't have to choose some people over others or change their life really drastically just because they get a partner. They are allowed to have an identity which comprises of being different things to different people. E.g. Son, Dad, brother, friend, husband. Your partner doesn't owe you to begin demoting other loved ones just because they married you. This expectation actually makes you the controlling person, not anyone else.

I love how you list husband last out of everyone.  So all the counselors that say to put your spouse first are wrong.

Also answer me this: how come in the eyes of the law the spouse comes first when it comes to making medical decisions and such?  

[Seraphim]

Do these counsellors tell you to decide what your partner’s family should mean to THEM. I sincerely doubt it . Do they tell you to be antagonistic to your in-laws? Again , sincerely doubt it . Counsellors are there to facilitate people getting along.

[rainbowsandroses]

I wasn't going to respond anymore but will say one last thing, take or leave.

It does NOT matter if everyone and their brother (including counselors) believes your FMIL hasn't "cut the cord" or they believe a wife takes priority over a mother or that the situation is "strange," the FACT remains, your MIL is who she is, she is not going to change no matter how many people including you thinks she's too controlling or strange or "whatever."

You either ACCEPT her for who she IS and the relationship she's developed with her son, OR you leave!  And don't marry him.  Period end of.

I mean you could protest and scream about it until the bloody cows come home, it's not going to matter, don't you see that?  

Continuing to do so as you're doing here, makes you sound VERY controlling because the bottom line IS you have NO control over this.  

So again, two choices.  Stay and accept the situation for what it IS, or leave and find a man with a mother who HAS cut the cord and not as attached to her son as his mother is.

Simple as that.