Should I cut her out of my life?

[Big-Fennel3632]

Hi there, sorry if this long

This post is going to be related and involving the person from my first ever post on the forum 1 year ago.

Link to the post for full context: 

Quick Summary: 

Basically there is a woman that I have known for over 15 years, since we were kids. Over the 15 years we would go in and out of contact. I had feelings for her and late last year I reached out to her, we became quite close but I never told her I had feelings for her due to her healing from a very recent breakup. That led me to originally post on here asking for advice on how to proceed.

What has happened since:

Since my original post I decided against pursuing anything with her in early 2023. I thought about alot of stuff and wanted to just focus on myself and become a better version of myself before seeking anything with any woman.

So I got a Personal Trainer, hit the gym 5x a week, lost 55lbs, got in the best shape of my life, started a new business during the day, got a side job at nights. It has been the most productive period of my life and I have fallen in love with self development.

Anyway regarding the girl this post and the last is about, I have done my best this whole year to be there for her and just try be a good man to her and show her how guys should treat women, not like how she has been treated the past few years with the abusive types.

I would take her out for food, coffee, if I was going somewhere exciting like concerts or roadtrips she always was invited. If she was struggling and feeling down about herself, I would be there for her. 

Her mother and siblings have actually said to me multiple times that I have been her rock and they wish she would get with me instead of all these abusive idiots.

Since my original post between January - July she was in a relationship, with a idiot again that ended badly. I had a real heart to heart with her and said if she keeps repeating this same process its not going to end well for her.

1 month after that in August we were out together and I just *** it. I am in a good place, nows the time for me to put myself out there and start dating, she is single I'll start with her.

I said to her that I think shes great, I want to date her and she knows where I am if shes interested. 2 weeks went by and she was quite quiet, she came to me and said she didn't want to because of our friendship.

I was totally ok with it, I knew she was just politely letting me down. I thanked her for honestly, said take it as a compliment and left it at that. We just continued on as usual.

Now this is where I need advice:

I wanted to give dating a proper crack so I have been talking to, seeing and going on dates with multiple women since September. I want to find someone compatiable for me and not just jump into something with the first person I meet.

Since I have been seeing these other woman, my friends vibe towards me has been slowly changing the last few months.

She would ask me how its going with the other women and ask about them, then she would point out flaws and try and say certain things were red flags.

While doing this she would say things like "im not jealous, just looking out for you."

2 weeks ago she sadly and unexpectedly lost her parent, and I have been by her side as much as possible, while also still going on dates, Ive been on 3 over the last 2 weeks.

Now that abit of time has past, she is grieving and will call me up drunk and start being flirty with me, ask what Ive been doing and If mention I was out on date she will say "Lets not talk about that, dont get me upset" or she will talk about coming round to apartment and hint at doing stuff with me. But the next day when I try to talk to her about it she says she doesnt remember or shes not interested.

What should I do?

I am trying to find myself a partner, she said shes not interest but yet when I see other women, she keeps playing with my head.

Do I need to cut her out my life for a little bit? Its been on my mind for a few weeks now but I had to be there for her after the passing of her parent.

I fear if I cut her out, she will get hurt and she isnt in a good place right now while grieving.

But shes been playing with my head, and its effecting me now, more confused than anything. Why would she say shes not interested yet when I see other women, she starts flirting with me..

If I cut her off for a while do I tell her or just go silent?

Any advice is appreciated.

[Kwothe28]

10 minutes ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

Why would she say shes not interested yet when I see other women, she starts flirting with me..

Oh that is easy answer. Because when you go to another woman she might lose her orbiter who gives her attention. Like this she has you where she wants you to be. She "friendzoned" you, she dates other men, and when that fails she has you to fall back to so you could bring her up. But without any obligations by her side. In simpler terms, she just wants you for attention, she doesnt really care about you or she would let you go so you could date other women. Like this she always has you "on the hook" but never pulls you in.

And yes, you should definitely cut her out of your life. Not only because of what she is doing but because of yourself. You cant focus on others while she is there. And even if you keep her in your life, its innapropriate toward somebody new you meet. We have many threads here where stuff like that creates a big issues. And where partners keep people who they were involved or wanted to be involved with. Its a headache for your future partner as well.

[Big-Fennel3632]

Hi @Kwothe28

I remember you from last year on the original post, Thanks for the advice.

Yeah the vibe has changed abit since I started seeing people.

Just not sure how to cut her off, because we have been so close, maybe I need to talk to her and explain my side..

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

Just not sure how to cut her off, because we have been so close, maybe I need to talk to her and explain my side..

Are you hoping that she would be with you after you explain you want to cut her off and date some other woman? Because that probably wont happen. There is no "vibe". Otherwise she would be with you by now and not turn off your advances. 

Dont have a talk. Friends dont usually require break ups like relationships do. Just stop giving her your attention. Dont answer her drunk calls, dont take her out, dont do anything regarding her. Simple "I am busy" is enough. And dedicate yourself to meeting some nice Lady in the future.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

 Why would she say shes not interested yet when I see other women, she starts flirting with me..If I cut her off for a while do I tell her or just go silent?.

Try to simply step back a bit and refrain from talking about your dating life. It's not going to inspire her to want to be more than friends. You don't have to cut her off completely if you don't want to, but you could step back. 

[Lambert]

i'm not saying she is a bad person but this behavior is about her, not you. 

She doesn't want to date you.  That spark is not there, but she likes that you like her. She likes the attention.

That's as blunt and as straight forward as I can be. 

I'm happy for you that you've fallen in love with yourself and improving yourself. That is something to be proud of! 

You are completely right to get out there dating. You deserve to be with someone that see you for all you have to offer and wants to give back to you all they have. 

This woman is not the one you're looking for.  its a Jedi mind trick : -)

You asked what you should do.... keep dating and working on yourself (the self work never stops.  this is your life.  you are the focus! )

Let the distance naturally widen between you and this woman.  Know that a quality woman is not going to share you with an old crush.

You don't need to explain anything.  Believe me, this woman knows.  She knows she leads you on with no intentions of ever moving you out of the friend zone. 

Romantic movies do us a huge disservice. In real life the friend zone is a permanent destination. Don't waste your life on a dead end girl. 

[Big-Fennel3632]

@Kwothe28 Thanks, it wasn't that I was trying to make her jealous. We just talk about everything as we are that close. I spoke to my best friend about the situation and he basically said the same thing as you. He wanted to tell me a while ago but I needed to learn for myself.

@Wiseman2 Absolutely, its time to step back. She relies to much on me at the moment, I think she knows that and its clear that her family know that aswell. But I do everything and receive nothing while she goes and gives a bunch of abusive guys all her time.

@Lambert I also dont think she is a bad person, I still see the bubbly amazing girl I grew up with but somewhere along the way she got lost and invovled with the wrong guys. I have tried to "save" her but I now realise thats not my job to that. I have been nothing but good to her and i think she will realise what she lost soon enough.

As I write this message I am currently texting a girl that I have been on a few dates with, she asked me out next weekend so time to focus on myself.

 

Thanks everyone. 🙏🏼

[Andrina]

Because of your attraction to her, and your investment in time with her, you're overlooking that she's selfish and self-serving to the point that she doesn't care that you will be hurt when she's a cat, batting around a mouse.

A decent person, knowing full well she doesn't have romantic chemistry for you, would never play with your feelings with a flirty phone call. 

She's a grown woman and can seek support during hard times with friends and family. Don't feel like she'll melt into a giant puddle without you. If you choose to not exit at this watershed moment, you will be doing yourself a huge disservice. She is not your responsibility.

Speaking for myself, I'd never date someone like you when you're continuing communication with this woman you would've liked more with, and invest a lot of emotional time and energy into her.

It'd be good to put her on the back burner and let the friendship fade without drama. But likely she will start questioning you, and if so, I'd just be truthful. You can keep it short and simple. A person who cares will understand, but she's shown she cares more about herself even if it means hurting another, she might balk. Stand your ground. Friendships end all the time for various reasons. It doesn't make you a bad person for doing so. I've let plenty go for my own good. Good luck.

[catfeeder]

You are not her therapist, and not even the best therapist in the world will deal with someone who is not sober--because it's not helpful--at all.

I'd choose a time when she's sober to tell her that I don't want her to phone me when she's been drinking. I wouldn't explain it, I wouldn't entertain arguments about it--no matter what she says in response, I'd just repeat that I won't accept her call if she's been drinking, and I'm also not willing be around her if she drinks.

You may find that there's nothing else you need to do. She will either deal with you on sober terms, or she will fade away to find people she can be drunk with. 

 

[Big-Fennel3632]

@esther.essa Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. As much as I would have loved for you situation to mirror mine, I think I am kind of over it at this point and even if she was to do what you did, I am not sure I could accept it. I am glad it worked out for you though. 🙏🏼 Best wishes to you.

@Andrina I agree with you and have absolutely over looked alot, I will be taking time back from her. 

We have never fell out or anything but I am putting alot of effort into this and gaining nothing, so I need to focus on myself. Its also so true and understandable about not wanting to date a guy like me running after someone like that. Thanks for your time. 🙏🏼

@catfeeder Yeah I took the roll on when I shouldn't have, I am not her therapist and she is old enough to know that she shouldn't be making the same mistake over and over again.

Also when I started speaking to her and getting close with her 4 years ago, I didn't know my self worth. I was overweight and had no social life. 

Fast forward, I have done alot and am proud of myself and know what I will bring to someones life. Her on the other hand has unfortunately been on a downward spiral and has not learned from her mistakes.

Regarding the drunk calls, the odd time that its happened recently, shes always been nice on the phone its just why be flirty then act like nothing happened the next day?

Thanks for you time. 🙏🏼

[lostandhurt]

All I can tell you is that if you are serious about meeting and building a great relationship with a woman this "friend" needs to be an acquaintance not a super close you run to save her all the time female friend. Any woman worth being with will take a pass on you with you tied so close to her.

 Why does she behave the way she does?  It is simple to figure out by putting yourself in her shoes.  Lets say you had this woman friend that you know has a thing for you but you have told her friends only but she hangs around taking you out, talks for hours, cares for you and dotes over you.  Then this woman suddenly starts dating and has good success at it and you see your back up plan, your emergency gf fading off into the sunset.  You don't want her as a gf but you don't want some other guy getting all the attention that you have grown accustomed to.  As a good friend, a true friend you would be happy for her and back off but if you were a selfish friend you would try and pull her back in just enough so she stuck around and kept focusing on you. 

 She isn't as good a friend to you as you are towards her by a long shot.  In time you will see this more clearly but that will take space and time.  Don't initiate calls or meet ups and focus on dating and finding a woman worthy of your friendship and love.

 Lost

[Big-Fennel3632]

@lostandhurt great way to put it. Thank you. 🙏🏼

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

Regarding the drunk calls, the odd time that its happened recently, shes always been nice on the phone its just why be flirty then act like nothing happened the next day?

That's what drunk people do. It's a waste of your time.

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

Regarding the drunk calls, the odd time that its happened recently, shes always been nice on the phone its just why be flirty then act like nothing happened the next day?

Ever heard of beer-goggles? 

That's all this is. Don't read into it as meaning something more.