my boyfriend is great friends with his ex, and i don’t know what to do

[smuzzie]

 

please help me.
i (f18) am in my hometown while my boyfriend (m20) moved away a couple weeks ago, into the city his ex girlfriend lives, and they just met up yesterday. 
let me give u some background information, and i’ll try to do that as briefly and precise as possible:
when we started dating, she’d always made me question our connection. she’d been his first love - and god forbid you’re on social media in my position, i see a post talkin about ‚they never get over their first love, just leave them‘ nearly everyday, i try to not let i affect me. we had plenty open conversations about this and he assured me, he simply cherished their friendship because she knows him so well, i get that. he says, he even hated her for a while after breaking up because of the way she treated him, but he’s happy they’re friends again. see, i understand and try my best to feel okay with it, but a couple of things happened that make this whole topic difficult for me.

a couple of months into dating, we were falling asleep and telling wachster how much we loved eachother, he called me her name.
i saw pictures he took of her, when they first became friends again, captioned with heart eye emojis, which made me so confused and still does. i accidentally heard one of his siblings assume he was out with her, when we were on our first dates. then, he told her of our first dates, and she contacted me over her sister (who happens to be my friends) to tell me, to ‚hit her up if hes ever difficult‘ - left me even more confused and hurt in a way.

it’s been difficult for me to talk to him about this topic tho i try. i’ve told him how i feel, cried in front of him, openly told him my paranoid thoughts and so on. i’ve decided, that i’m not comfortable with him breaking off their friendship because of me - if feel controlling, and honestly worry that this would just mean the loss of trust in our relationship. it feels wrong to ask him to do that, tbh i’d just worry that hes still talking to her in secret, secretly missing her and resenting me for it (the fear would still be there). 

so yesterday they met up with her new partner and i was here, at home alone. i tried my best to be fine the first couple of hours, but the pain in my chest made me sob into my pillow. i told him, i wasn’t sure if i could do this, especially if i’m hours away, alone. he was understanding. however, i feel as though i should talk to him again, i really want to find a solution for this and i can’t seem to come up with something. i can’t talk to my friends, because i think theyd tell me he’s treating me horribly, but it’s not as simple as that. please, someone help me, i don’t know what to do anymore.

[MissCanuck]

58 minutes ago, smuzzie said:

i tried my best to be fine

Why are you trying so hard to be okay with this? 

It's perfectly fine to find this unacceptable, girl. I know you like him a lot but we have to have a boundary for ourselves somewhere. That doesn't mean we can tell others what to do, but it does mean we need to leave a situation when it's causing this much distress. 

1 hour ago, smuzzie said:

i really want to find a solution for this and i can’t seem to come up with something

That's because the solution doesn't lie with you. It is up to him to decide whether keeping his ex in his orbit is worth damaging his relationship with you. He knows how you feel about this and he continues to see her anyway. That tells you everything you need to know, sadly. 

I am sorry, OP, but this guy is not ready to let her go completely. The fact that they are getting closer again is a very bad sign. I wouldn't bother trying to talk to him again. You'd just be repeating what you have already said. Instead, I would tell him that he's free to engage with her but you won't be there when he comes looking for you again. Cut yourself loose from this. He's already on his way out. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, smuzzie said:

 (f18) am in my hometown while my boyfriend (m20) moved away a couple weeks ago, into the city his ex girlfriend lives, and they just met up yesterday. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How far away is he?

Please trust your instincts. He is still close to and obviously talking to and seeing his ex. Please don't tie yourself down to someone who is emotionally and now geographically elsewhere.

Reconsider the relationship and free yourself from this so you can date local available men who are ready, willing and able to have the type of relationship you want. 

Don't settle for being someone's filler while their hearts and minds are elsewhere. Choose someone who is free and clear to have a relationship. 

[Andrina]

At your age, it's very rare that the person you're dating will wind up being your lifetime partner. Most people have numerous dating experiences with a variety of partners, and learn what they want and what they don't want from each relationship.

You're learning from this experience that your relationship boundaries don't match. You prefer dating someone who isn't buddies with an ex, and he has the opposite view. 

Time to leave a relationship that is more upsetting than satisfactory. This is a time in life you'll be meeting a huge people of singles in your age group. Keep cutting the losers loose so you can find the prized keeper.

[smackie9]

He's still emotionally attached to her, and there is nothing you can do to change that. 

The mom talk: Girl don't put yourself in the backseat just to keep this guy. Find your self worth and go find better. You are way too young to understand that it takes more than "I love yous" to have a good relationship...so I'm telling you, he's not worth sticking around for. 

[boltnrun]

Sticking around trying to force yourself to be "fine" with your alleged boyfriend being in some sort of relationship with someone else isn't good for you and it definitely won't make him love you. 

I tried to do the same with an ex. He told me (after he'd broken up with me) that he never respected me because I allowed him to treat me so poorly. 

[lostandhurt]

It seems pretty obvious he still has feelings for her and WANTS to be near her which puts you in second place.  Is that where you want to be in a relationship?

 I imagine her new bf is not liking having him around either so it shows that neither of them consider this particular boundary a problem.  Actually on this forum this comes up very frequently and there are people in each camp with their own thoughts on the matter.

As has been mentioned above if you have to contort your emotions into a twisted ball just to be with this guy then I think you know it needs to end.  You have made it clear to him how you feel so trying to convince him he needs to change his boundaries will not result in a genuine change because he is doing because he has to, not because he wants to.

He has feelings for her still and would get back with her given the chance I would guess.  Set yourself free from all this pain and feel good that you stood up for yourself.

I know it sucks but you have a lot of options and other guys interested in you I am sure.

Lost

[catfeeder]

I'd tell BF that I know myself well enough to know that I'm not doing well with this. I adore him, and I wish him the best, but I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever reaches a point where he is finished with old business and would like to explore a relationship with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish for his happiness.

This keeps your dignity even while it keeps your door open a crack. If the guy never pursues you again, then you will thank yourself for ending your misery, which the guy was never going to resolve for you. If the guy does pursue you again, then I wouldn't return unless he freely tells you that he has resolved his stuff with his ex and won't be seeing her again.

Either way, you win, because you've embraced your self respect, and you've liberated yourself from this hell. 

Head high.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 11/9/2023 at 10:48 PM, smuzzie said:

however, i feel as though i should talk to him again, i really want to find a solutuon...

You're only 18 years old, technically still a teenager.  You will learn as you get older BUT certain things cannot be fixed, nor find solutions for, and this is one of them.

Stop pushing, stop forcing it, all that will accomplish is you pushing him right out the door.  Could almost guarantee it!

And that includes having another "talk."  Men don't respond to "talking," they respond to you leaving and going no contact and becoming his EX.

Don't believe me?

Read this forum and others, read about how men fall in love and all the stories from men about how obsessed they are with their EX's just as your boyfriend is obsessed with HIS ex.  I mean calling out HER name in his sleep?   Really?

I've never read one story from a man who fell in love with a girl because she chased him or was trying to force a solution that clearly was NOT working, like your situation.

YOU need to become his ex.  Like yesterday.

Hanging around, looking for a solution and "talking" isn't getting you anywhere and won't. 

Shed a few quiet tears alone and then move on.  Seriously.  Write him a note if you can't face him.  Wish him well, bye. 

THAT is the only solution here. 

[Cherylyn]

Two's company,  three's a crowd.  This picture is getting awfully crowded.  😒  ☹️  Either she goes or you go. 

I wouldn't tolerate having a boyfriend or husband who was very chummy with his ex.  No way. 

He won't change.  It's your job to change.  Either accept your boyfriend's behavior or exit the relationship and be with a man who knows how to behave honorably for himself,  for you and knows how to treat you as if you matter.  In other words,  be with a man who knows how to treat you with respect.