Should I move on?

[MaryAnne7]

Hi amazing people. You’ve helped me greatly in the past and I am now back for your opinion on one situation. I had an argument with my relatively new friend (we’ve only met 5 months ago). Although I did find her easy going, I wouldn’t say we would have been best friends, at the same time she became quite well integrated into my life and important to me. We’re both in therapy and I shared some of my triggers with her. And then a few weeks ago she says something to me, which I told her was my trigger, I guess in an attempt to make a joke. I did not take it very well to say the least. This is not the first time her jokes stirred some negative emotion in me, I perceived her “joking” as toxic. This time I decided to step up and draw the line to defend my boundary. In all honesty, I did filter my message 10 times because originally in a triggered state I only could tell her to go f herself. I did say again that’s my trigger and she purposefully hurt me. I suggested she discussed her toxic ways with her therapist, which she took as an attack and she said she won’t tolerate me telling her what to do. Long story short, she accused me of being toxic myself because of my jokes (I said things like “are you going away to cuddle with other people?😡” This is just my humour to tell her she means something to me and pretend that I am jealous. I am in fact never jealous of my friends, but historically people responded well to these jokes. I find it shocking she thinks it’s toxic but I can accept it). She later explained that she joked about my trigger because she thought that’s what friends do as it helps to heal and she indirectly communicated I was important to her. Frankly I don’t agree simply because I don’t feel that close to her. After a few days, I sent her a voice note saying that I understand her and I hope she understands me, I’d like to remain friends and move past it if she does. Radio silence for 3 days……I tried to remain as mature as I could in the situation. My first instinct is to cut people out instead of communicating, so I saw this as an opportunity for me to grow. I took 5 days to respond to her message because my mind was resisting (I am avoidant attachment), but I pushed through to break the pattern. It honestly hurts me she left me hanging like that, and even though I understand she’s entitled to respond or not respond, that doesn’t take away all the resentment I feel towards her. I was very vulnerable and exposed my true feelings and I feel rejected. Should I just move on and forget about her? 

[MissCanuck]

54 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Radio silence for 3 days

But you waited longer: 

55 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

I took 5 days to respond to her message

55 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

It honestly hurts me she left me hanging like that

She was probably thinking the same thing about you. 

It's okay for you to wait 5 days to reply, but it's not okay for her to do the same?

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

. I suggested she discussed her toxic ways with her therapist, which she took as an attack and she said she won’t tolerate me telling her what to do. . My first instinct is to cut people out instead of communicating, so I saw this as an opportunity for me to grow. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately perhaps you don't share the same sensibilities. It seems she was offended that you called her toxic and she should talk to her therapist about "her toxic ways". 

It's unfortunate she ghosted but perhaps it is for the best if you let the dust settle.

In the future it may be best to avoid TMI and over sharing, particularly sensitive information. Sometimes it's better to pull back or "cut people out" than to be confrontational or try to change them.

[Batya33]

I have a dear friend for last 20 years. We know each other so well. I adore and respect her so much. It’s mutual. A couple of years ago she shared with me that she has Binge Eating Disorder and told me very very specifically what she was comfortable discussing about food and diet and exercise and eating habits and her boundaries. She said her therapist had helped her come up with this approach as to how to deal with her triggers. 
when she told me this we were in our 40s and wanted the best for each other. One would think - why have to tell me this - since I really care wouldn’t I know instinctively how to communicate?? NO. I was so very grateful to her and appreciative that she took the time to be this specific about such a sensitive topic. It wasn’t easy for her ! I took what she said to heart. I honor her boundaries. I’m very chatty and love to be funny AND if it’s about those issues or topics - I heed her boundaries. I’m so glad she assumed I wouldn’t just know. This way I can be a supportive and good friend. 
Perhaps  you weren’t clear enough with your friend. 

[MaryAnne7]

34 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

But you waited longer: 

She was probably thinking the same thing about you. 

It's okay for you to wait 5 days to reply, but it's not okay for her to do the same?

Yes! I wanted longer. That’s why I said I know she’s entitled to it but knowing it doesn’t take the emotion away 

[MissCanuck]

Just now, MaryAnne7 said:

Yes! I wanted longer. That’s why I said I know she’s entitled to it but knowing it doesn’t take the emotion away 

Then surely you understand the same could be true for her. 

You both hurt each other. 

[MaryAnne7]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Then surely you understand the same could be true for her. 

You both hurt each other. 

Yes, of course I understand! I specifically told her in my message that I’d like to move on, it just feels like she’s not there or maybe won’t ever be 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

it just feels like she’s not there or maybe won’t ever be

And she may not be. 

There's not a lot more you can do. Perhaps this friendship wasn't the right fit for either of you. 

[MaryAnne7]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And she may not be. 

There's not a lot more you can do. Perhaps this friendship wasn't the right fit for either of you. 

I needed to hear this, thanks 

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Hi amazing people. You’ve helped me greatly in the past and I am now back for your opinion on one situation. I had an argument with my relatively new friend (we’ve only met 5 months ago). Although I did find her easy going, I wouldn’t say we would have been best friends, at the same time she became quite well integrated into my life and important to me. We’re both in therapy and I shared some of my triggers with her. And then a few weeks ago she says something to me, which I told her was my trigger, I guess in an attempt to make a joke. I did not take it very well to say the least. This is not the first time her jokes stirred some negative emotion in me, I perceived her “joking” as toxic. This time I decided to step up and draw the line to defend my boundary. In all honesty, I did filter my message 10 times because originally in a triggered state I only could tell her to go f herself. I did say again that’s my trigger and she purposefully hurt me. I suggested she discussed her toxic ways with her therapist, which she took as an attack and she said she won’t tolerate me telling her what to do. Long story short, she accused me of being toxic myself because of my jokes (I said things like “are you going away to cuddle with other people?😡” This is just my humour to tell her she means something to me and pretend that I am jealous. I am in fact never jealous of my friends, but historically people responded well to these jokes. I find it shocking she thinks it’s toxic but I can accept it). She later explained that she joked about my trigger because she thought that’s what friends do as it helps to heal and she indirectly communicated I was important to her. Frankly I don’t agree simply because I don’t feel that close to her. After a few days, I sent her a voice note saying that I understand her and I hope she understands me, I’d like to remain friends and move past it if she does. Radio silence for 3 days……I tried to remain as mature as I could in the situation. My first instinct is to cut people out instead of communicating, so I saw this as an opportunity for me to grow. I took 5 days to respond to her message because my mind was resisting (I am avoidant attachment), but I pushed through to break the pattern. It honestly hurts me she left me hanging like that, and even though I understand she’s entitled to respond or not respond, that doesn’t take away all the resentment I feel towards her. I was very vulnerable and exposed my true feelings and I feel rejected. Should I just move on and forget about her? 

Jokes are very subjective.

She may have had the exact same thoughts as you thinking that other people didn't mind her joke and she felt you insulted her.

You both have now discovered that you sense of humor does not match and could easily trigger each other.

Not a good combination.

It's probable best she didn't reply, and for you to now let it go.

You're not compatible as friends.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

And then a few weeks ago she says something to me, which I told her was my trigger, I guess in an attempt to make a joke. I did not take it very well to say the least. This is not the first time her jokes stirred some negative emotion in me, I perceived her “joking” as toxic.

You know what they say ... 'always some truthfulness in a joke'.  So, I'd say she was in ways, trying to get under your skin. 😕 .

I don't feel you are truly that close to her and she doesn't sound too kind.  Is maybe best to keep moving forward.  Avoid, for your own well being.  Stay strong 😉 

[catfeeder]

I think the terms ‘trigger’ and ‘boundaries’ can carry an assumption that everyone understands and agrees on exactly what they mean, and that’s not true. They are vague, and they mean different things to different people, and your post gives no real context for this.

Some people regard ‘trigger’ as a flag people wave to control others, while some understand the word in a subjective manner that may not automatically translate to another context.

As for ‘boundaries,’ those apply to ourselves, not others. Yet there are those who conflate private boundaries with a license to impose rules on others. And then they can’t understand why they have such social difficulties. Well, it’s because they are a walking land mine, that’s why.

So you’ll learn over time whether friend got too triggered by your trigger, and whether she’s reaching for boundaries of her own with regard to dealing with you. I hope you’ll both emerge from this as grateful to one another.

[MaryAnne7]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think the terms ‘trigger’ and ‘boundaries’ can carry an assumption that everyone understands and agrees on exactly what they mean, and that’s not true. They are vague, and they mean different things to different people, and your post gives no real context for this.

Some people regard ‘trigger’ as a flag people wave to control others, while some understand the word in a subjective manner that may not automatically translate to another context.

As for ‘boundaries,’ those apply to ourselves, not others. Yet there are those who conflate private boundaries with a license to impose rules on others. And then they can’t understand why they have such social difficulties. Well, it’s because they are a walking land mine, that’s why.

So you’ll learn over time whether friend got too triggered by your trigger, and whether she’s reaching for boundaries of her own with regard to dealing with you. I hope you’ll both emerge from this as grateful to one another.

That’s simply not true. Choosing what behaviour is comfortable for me and what’s not is self-care and has nothing to do with controlling others. When I ask a person who has intentions of being close to me to respect my rules that’s a contract, I’d like to feel safe in my friendship, and if then the choice of my friend is not to comply then that’s fine I’ll get over it. But it is a choice. There are ALSO internal boundaries we set with ourselves, and that’s another story. 
 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

That’s simply not true. Choosing what behaviour is comfortable for me and what’s not is self-care and has nothing to do with controlling others. When I ask a person who has intentions of being close to me to respect my rules that’s a contract, I’d like to feel safe in my friendship, and if then the choice of my friend is not to comply then that’s fine I’ll get over it. But it is a choice. There are ALSO internal boundaries we set with ourselves, and that’s another story. 
 

Yes it's fine to have any standards you wish and to present your standards in a contract like tone - just know that this might trigger some to keep their distance from you if it's presented that way especially in a newer friendship.  Tone, delivery and timing matter to a lot of people.

[MaryAnne7]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes it's fine to have any standards you wish and to present your standards in a contract like tone - just know that this might trigger some to keep their distance from you if it's presented that way especially in a newer friendship.  Tone, delivery and timing matter to a lot of people.

Absolutely I agree with that. In fact, I think my delivery could have been much much better. Given my background and how I’ve managed to break my family pattern of reactivity and destruction stretching over generations, me choosing to communicate and be open about my feelings -  I will take it as a personal victory nevertheless. And if that creates distance with others then so be it. I will not abandon myself just to be liked 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Absolutely I agree with that. In fact, I think my delivery could have been much much better. Given my background and how I’ve managed to break my family pattern of reactivity and destruction stretching over generations, me choosing to communicate and be open about my feelings -  I will take it as a personal victory nevertheless. And if that creates distance with others then so be it. I will not abandon myself just to be liked 

It's great to be open about your feelings- while taking other people's feelings into account.  No need to go all dramatic -no one is telling you to "abandon yourself" -there's a huge range of having reasonable boundaries -including deciding that right now very close friendships might not be possible given your particular issues and sensitivities. 

It feels victorious to be open but even more so when you've communicated it in a way, in a context and at a time where the other person feels comfortable in her own skin.  For example choosing to be "open" by typing words because it's easier than having to speak on the phone or in person still is the "win" of having been open but it's often ineffective communication and insensitive as to the other person receiving your openness.

 

[MaryAnne7]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's great to be open about your feelings- while taking other people's feelings into account.  No need to go all dramatic -no one is telling you to "abandon yourself" -there's a huge range of having reasonable boundaries -including deciding that right now very close friendships might not be possible given your particular issues and sensitivities. 

It feels victorious to be open but even more so when you've communicated it in a way, in a context and at a time where the other person feels comfortable in her own skin.  For example choosing to be "open" by typing words because it's easier than having to speak on the phone or in person still is the "win" of having been open but it's often ineffective communication and insensitive as to the other person receiving your openness.

 

Who said I am looking for close friendships? I am not. It’s not black and white, it doesn’t have to be a close friendship but we can still be friends. My boundary was reasonable - I appreciate you don’t have enough context, that’s fine.  It is very honourable to think about other people’s feelings, but there’s also limits to it. This is where I am at and this is the reality as of now. And I will take any small win I can. Again, if it costs me the friendship it’s fine. Next one will be different as I’ve learned from it l.  
I have hurt her and she’s hurt me. But we’re both adults who are capable of dealing with it.

[SherrySher]

17 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

She later explained that she joked about my trigger because she thought that’s what friends do as it helps to heal and she indirectly communicated I was important to her.

I find this very odd.

I'm not sure how healthy of an approach this is, in fact if someone were to joke about any of my triggers, I would feel they don't understand how I deal with things and as well, heal from things.

Joking would be the last thing that would be helpful.

I suppose it's personal preference, but I really don't think it's okay to joke about someone's trigger(s).

It's how we go about trying to find out what humans are compatible with us though, and which aren't.

Trial and error.

I do feel that you as friends, have unfortunately had too many errors.

You don't see eye to eye on quite a few important things, even how she has shut off communication, while you are attempting to try to work things out.

It is just an all around mismatch.

It happens.

I do hope you won't give up on finding a friend that does understand you though and respects your boundaries.

We all need friendship and support. ❤️Wishing you the best of luck.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Should I move on?

In this case, this is the best option. There were too many misunderstandings. It's not worth having friends or acquaintances who annoy you. 

In the future try not to over share this much. People shouldn't be insensitive or rude but they also shouldn't have to walk on eggs and need kid gloves to interact with you. 

Please also leave therapy and therapyspeak in the therapist's office. Please reconsider using hyperbole such as "triggers" when someone is simply annoying or rude. This type of language implies you are being victimized . 

[MaryAnne7]

2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I find this very odd.

I'm not sure how healthy of an approach this is, in fact if someone were to joke about any of my triggers, I would feel they don't understand how I deal with things and as well, heal from things.

Joking would be the last thing that would be helpful.

I suppose it's personal preference, but I really don't think it's okay to joke about someone's trigger(s).

It's how we go about trying to find out what humans are compatible with us though, and which aren't.

Trial and error.

I do feel that you as friends, have unfortunately had too many errors.

You don't see eye to eye on quite a few important things, even how she has shut off communication, while you are attempting to try to work things out.

It is just an all around mismatch.

It happens.

I do hope you won't give up on finding a friend that does understand you though and respects your boundaries.

We all need friendship and support. ❤️Wishing you the best of luck.

Thank you! I feel understood! 
 

I agree it is a personal preference, I asked some of my others friends and some of them actually said they would love to laugh at their traumas, but I am always careful with my them and try to be gentle and I don’t attempt such jokes. 
She later explained to me it was her twisted way of returning the private information I shared with her in such way to show me I matter to her. To me personally it’s too twisted and too complicated. 
 

thank you for kind words ❤️

[MaryAnne7]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

In this case, this is the best option. There were too many misunderstandings. It's not worth having friends or acquaintances who annoy you. 

In the future try not to over share this much. People shouldn't be insensitive or rude but they also shouldn't have to walk on eggs and need kid gloves to interact with you. 

Please also leave therapy and therapyspeak in the therapist's office. Please reconsider using hyperbole such as "triggers" when someone is simply annoying or rude. This type of language implies you are being victimized . 

As someone who’s in therapy I find it appropriate to use “therapyspeak” with people who’re also in therapy. Unfortunately I now understand being in therapy doesn’t guarantee anything lol. 
Are you sure it’s a hyperbole though? If I, let’s say, had a full blown meltdown, would you also call it a “hyperbole”? 
 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Who said I am looking for close friendships? I am not. It’s not black and white, it doesn’t have to be a close friendship but we can still be friends. My boundary was reasonable - I appreciate you don’t have enough context, that’s fine.  It is very honourable to think about other people’s feelings, but there’s also limits to it. This is where I am at and this is the reality as of now. And I will take any small win I can. Again, if it costs me the friendship it’s fine. Next one will be different as I’ve learned from it l.  
I have hurt her and she’s hurt me. But we’re both adults who are capable of dealing with it.

Oh then I can’t really give input. I assumed because you’d shared such personal stuff this was a potentially close friendship. For sure if it’s just a casual friend no point if the person offends you or jokes about trauma. Then it’s not worth it to interact further or if you do with strict boundaries- more like an acquaintance.  
As I wrote above of course there are limits. To protecting oneself vs showing tact. This morning a formerly good friend who’s now more of a casual friend sent a text out of the blue - she’d been out of touch over a month and it was truly clueless like are you living under a rock??
There’s no point trying to “educate “ her or communicate about it so I replied with openness - pretending she hadn’t offended me - and did not  take her to task at all for the thoughtlessness. She’s done this sort of thing before and since we’re not close friends and I enjoy her in small doses - whatever …

I’m glad you feel good about how you chose to react. I now understand this wasn’t a close friend or potentially close. 

[SherrySher]

22 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Thank you! I feel understood! 
 

I agree it is a personal preference, I asked some of my others friends and some of them actually said they would love to laugh at their traumas, but I am always careful with my them and try to be gentle and I don’t attempt such jokes. 
She later explained to me it was her twisted way of returning the private information I shared with her in such way to show me I matter to her. To me personally it’s too twisted and too complicated. 
 

thank you for kind words ❤️

I agree, it's odd. I don't work that way either.

Trauma is trauma. 

Making jokes out of my pain, just wouldn't fly.

For her, it works. Which is her choice.

It's a shame she didn't understand or respect your way of going about it.

[MaryAnne7]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh then I can’t really give input. I assumed because you’d shared such personal stuff this was a potentially close friendship. For sure if it’s just a casual friend no point if the person offends you or jokes about trauma. Then it’s not worth it to interact further or if you do with strict boundaries- more like an acquaintance.  
As I wrote above of course there are limits. To protecting oneself vs showing tact. This morning a formerly good friend who’s now more of a casual friend sent a text out of the blue - she’d been out of touch over a month and it was truly clueless like are you living under a rock??
There’s no point trying to “educate “ her or communicate about it so I replied with openness - pretending she hadn’t offended me - and did not  take her to task at all for the thoughtlessness. She’s done this sort of thing before and since we’re not close friends and I enjoy her in small doses - whatever …

I’m glad you feel good about how you chose to react. I now understand this wasn’t a close friend or potentially close. 

That’s a good example and point! Thank you! ❤️

[MaryAnne7]

Update everyone: we have gotten over it, and relationship is better than before! We see each other more and seem to have grown closer! Happy ending 🥰