Dream of her every night, feel like I am suppressing something

[Guest]

Going through my first break up with 19 years of age with my exgirlfriend of 2 years. Its been like 2 weeks. We didnt part on good terms and havent spoken at all about the break up. She broke up, when she did we spoke like 2 minutes and then she left, she isnt interested in talking further about it at all. It feels like I didnt get closure somehow, she blocked me everywhere. I am 100% certain that seperating was the right decision, there is no way on earth that this relationship wouldve lasted forever.

I still love her with my heart and soul and it feels like this break up ripped something out of me. I know that I will get over it with enough time. I deleted every picture on my phone and threw almost everythink she gifted me away, its better this way. I am not devastated, I still work 3-4 times a week as a bartender, I still work out, I meet friends. But as soon as I am alone at home at night, it gets back to me and I kinda drown in it. When I think of her, an overwhelming wave of grief hits me, I suppress the tears and immediately try to think of something else. I avoid sleeping. As soon as I lay down I overthink, and as soon as I am asleep I dream of her every night. In these dreams the same thing occurs over and over again. She rejects me. 

I still have some photos left in the folder with the deleted images, they will disappear automatically in 2 weeks. I go through them, look at her and ruminate over and over. I see her face, her smile, her playful way, her silliness and I catch myself romanticizing our time. It was a great time and I am thankful for it, but I know we had no future. At thinking about her and seeing those images makes me only think of the good times and how much I miss her. I just started crying writing this text, even though I know that breaking up was the best decision to make to free us both from an incompatible relationship.

The fact that I will never hold her again, smell her perfume and feel her warmth makes me sad. I know all this will pass, but I still feel lost. As I said, I get my sht done, but breaking up is so bizarre and painful. I am scared that this will last longer than I expect it. Especially since I cant talk to her one last time, say my goodbye and wish her the best. I just couldnt say goodbye, I was to emotional when she broke up with me. She said she wasted 2 years of her life with me and insulted me multiple times in one of her last voice messages for contacting her although she told me not to do so. I witnessed a side of her that I never did, which makes me wonder if I even knew her that good. 

I dont know. I have many questions and I cant sleep. Its 6 am again and I dont know how to properly handle this case.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, JayCube said:

. I am 100% certain that seperating was the right decision, there is no way on earth that this relationship wouldve lasted. I know we had no future.  breaking up was the best decision to make to free us both from an incompatible relationship.

What was so incompatible and impossible about the relationship? 

[Guest]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

What was so incompatible and impossible about the relationship? 

She is asexual, I desire sex a lot. We didnt have sex once in two years. Different hobbies, different taste in almost everthing. I value physicall activities a lot while she doesnt, its a huge part of my life. We have different world views and opinions that almost kinda oppose. I can go on, but you get it. We are too different and have to many things not in common.

 

[MissCanuck]

The feelings you are experiencing are normal, OP. It's only been 2 weeks so you can expect it is going to take much longer than that to feel better. Be patient with yourself.

And you are right, there was no future in this relationship. In time, the sting will fade and you will feel free. Being with someone who is fundamentally opposite from you on a significant level was never going to work and when you do start dating again, you will be amazed how much better it is when your desires match. 

[Batya33]

Yes normal and much easier to pine away after a fantasy, a photo that will soon be deleted.  I'm glad you are keeping up with daily activities and I hope you feel better.

[Andrina]

Of course you'll mourn someone you've been with for 2 years. Doesn't matter that you rationalize it was for the best. Don't worry about taking longer than normal to grieve this. Keep doing what you're doing, and after her photos disappear, in about 4 months time, I'm sure you will no longer be thinking of her daily. Vow to stay alone a minimum of 6 months, and even up to a year. This should prevent you rebouding and entering something new you won't emotionally be ready for. 

Please learn from this that as soon as you see major incompatibilities, it's best to cut a person loose so you can be free to find your match. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/30/2023 at 1:06 AM, JayCube said:

She is asexual, I desire sex a lot. We didnt have sex once in two years. Different hobbies, different taste in almost everthing. I value physicall activities a lot while she doesnt, its a huge part of my life. We have different world views and opinions that almost kinda oppose. 

It's understandable if you're not compatible but why did you stay in this situation for 2 years then deliberately torpedo the relationship by telling her you made porn from the images of her friends?  

[boltnrun]

Well, the reason you two broke up wasn't just because of her not wanting to do activities. 

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/458352-ex-is-spreading-secrets-to-my-closest-friends/#comment-5831435

You feel deep regret for what you did and she is telling others what you did. So naturally you are going to have a lot of feelings of regret, shame and fear in addition to missing your girlfriend.

Look,.this relationship couldn't survive all that happened. But it's definitely a learning experience.

Have you followed through with seeking a therapist or psychiatrist or psychologist? I feel you could benefit greatly. Also continuing your regular routine is good. 

[Guest]

On 10/24/2023 at 9:32 AM, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Well, the reason you two broke up wasn't just because of her not wanting to do activities. 

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/458352-ex-is-spreading-secrets-to-my-closest-friends/#comment-5831435

You feel deep regret for what you did and she is telling others what you did. So naturally you are going to have a lot of feelings of regret, shame and fear in addition to missing your girlfriend.

Look,.this relationship couldn't survive all that happened. But it's definitely a learning experience.

Have you followed through with seeking a therapist or psychiatrist or psychologist? I feel you could benefit greatly. Also continuing your regular routine is good. 

I contacted my old therapist and have an appointment in a week, Im also going to apologize today to the friends I did this to. My whole social circle knows about this now, the shame ist heavy, but the only thing I can do now is to sincerely apologize, never do it again and work on myself. 
Honestly I am done with my ex, I dont feel like I lost something anymore after she did that. Not talking to me and then contacting my friends, who I distanced myself from because of what I did, is also not okay, even though I might not be in the position to jugde.

[boltnrun]

Yes, it's best to move forward.

I'm glad you're pursuing therapy.  There are much healthier ways to respond to sexual feelings than what you chose to do.  Once you and your therapist feel you are ready you can pursue dating to find the right one for you.

[SooSad33]

You are grieving, so all the tension & emotions is normal.  Be easy on yourself.  Break ups are never easy 😕 .

You are still young.  Life is a learning experience, and that you will do. Things will lessen, in time. And also, in that time, you'll come to accept the BU.  The reason's for it, that you two weren't so compatible after all, etc.

It happens when we get involved.  Many times over, things just don't work out.  But, someday you will come across someone who peaks your interest and they will surely be more compatible than the last 😉 .

I dated a cpl guys thru HS, but married the one after school.  Together almost 10 yrs, but it failed, as he was an alcy..  Even though it needed to end, never made it any easier.  Years later and 2 more long term relationship fails and I'm now on my own for almost 5 yrs now.  I am okay with that.  I prefer it now and hang with a few friends & my pets.  

You are young, you will meet someone again 🙂 .  One day at a time. ( I often suggest journaling, to work through your emotions - saying all you want there, that you'd like to say to her... until one day you just stop using it - and feel more yourself) 😉 .

Take care of yourself.