Ex is spreading secrets to my closest friends

[Guest]

She (20) broke up with me (19), because I did something stupid. I didnt cheat but it is disgusting. I know all that and I am working on myself. It was our first major problem in our relationship of more than 2 years and she immediately cuts the rope. She insulted me because of what I did via text messages and blocked me afterwards everywhere possible. We didnt get to talk about anything at all, she gave me my stuff and left without a conversation. I really wanted to apoligize and not justify what I did, but she didnt care and wasnt listening at all. After every message that I send before she blocked me I recieved nothing but an insult. And you know, I thought to myself she was hurt and I dont hold a grudge against her for doing so. When somebody is hurt and angry, they might do things that they would normally do, but that is a different topic.

 

I told myself, I am not going to try to contact her again, she didnt block me on Snapchat but I wont do it. If she wants to talk she will let me know, I will move on either way. After 2 weeks of inevitable NC, one of my best friends told me, that she created a WhatsApp group with some other really close friends and told them my secrets and why she broke up with me. She phrased somehow like "We broke up, and if you want to know why exactly, just let me know". 

To be more specific, what I did was something extremely personal, I didnt even think of telling anyone else than my previous GF, because its so embarressing. And the only reason I told her, is that I thought know f*cking way on earth is she going to tell somebody, I was wrong . I knew that I have to do something about my behaviour and I needed somebody trustworthy to talk to. I have nightmares every night since the break up and in my last dream she told me to kill myself. Im doing fine, I have a daily life, I work out and make money, but its tough. Its my first break up.

My sadness and grief about our seperation immediately transformed into anger and rejection. She promised me not to tell anyone, but it seems like she is so angry at me, that she simply doesnt care to rush my few best friends at me. I send her a last message via Snapchat, in which I told her how cheap and unnecessary it was from her. She only shows double standards and I never thought she would do something with the only intention to destroy my social life. She did not answer, I didnt really expect her to do so. She just saved a screenshot of the message. 

Why would anyone do something like this? Now I have to talk to my friends about something I wouldve never told any soul exept my partner. I dont know if they even want to talk to me. They havent reached out yet and its been a while since they know. I dont know how to handle all this. If I lose my friends true, and I only have a few close ones, it would shatter me.

[boltnrun]

She told everyone you made "deep fakes" of them to masturbate to? 

Maybe she thinks they should know? I don't know.

Do you have therapists available to you? Looking into therapy would be a good first step, primarily because of the self destructive thoughts you're having. But also to find ways to stop any of your behaviors you find upsetting. 

As for the friends your ex told, I think just waiting for them to contact you is a good idea. And if they do, apologizing and giving a short explanation might be best. 

And as for why she told them, she's probably shocked and horrified. Her decision to tell these people may not be the best thing, but unfortunately it can't be undone now. 

[Jaunty]

There is some aspect of abusiveness, or at the very least, profound invasiveness, in you taking images of people that you know personally and creating pornographic images out of them.

Maybe your ex told the people out of anger and not because she is looking out for them,  but I do think they deserve to know.  

I would not want to continue a friendship with a person who was using images of me in that way.  

 

[boltnrun]

I agree with @Jauntyregarding invasiveness and feeling shocked.  A family member's husband sent me a "d" pic and I was absolutely horrified. I didn't want to see or talk to him ever again after that.

I still think finding a professional to talk to is a good idea.  Someone who's not involved in the situation is the best person.

[Wiseman2]

Please stop contacting her in any way directly or indirectly. Unfortunately if she informed her friends about using their images for deepfake pornography, there's nothing you can do because if it's true, it's not libel or slander. If anyone contacts you regarding it, please stop making excuses and tell them all the material was permanently destroyed. 

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, JayCube said:

She (20) broke up with me (19), because I did something stupid. I didnt cheat but it is disgusting. I know all that and I am working on myself. It was our first major problem in our relationship of more than 2 years and she immediately cuts the rope. She insulted me because of what I did via text messages and blocked me afterwards everywhere possible. We didnt get to talk about anything at all, she gave me my stuff and left without a conversation. I really wanted to apoligize and not justify what I did, but she didnt care and wasnt listening at all. After every message that I send before she blocked me I recieved nothing but an insult. And you know, I thought to myself she was hurt and I dont hold a grudge against her for doing so. When somebody is hurt and angry, they might do things that they would normally do, but that is a different topic.

 

I told myself, I am not going to try to contact her again, she didnt block me on Snapchat but I wont do it. If she wants to talk she will let me know, I will move on either way. After 2 weeks of inevitable NC, one of my best friends told me, that she created a WhatsApp group with some other really close friends and told them my secrets and why she broke up with me. She phrased somehow like "We broke up, and if you want to know why exactly, just let me know". 

To be more specific, what I did was something extremely personal, I didnt even think of telling anyone else than my previous GF, because its so embarressing. And the only reason I told her, is that I thought know f*cking way on earth is she going to tell somebody, I was wrong . I knew that I have to do something about my behaviour and I needed somebody trustworthy to talk to. I have nightmares every night since the break up and in my last dream she told me to kill myself. Im doing fine, I have a daily life, I work out and make money, but its tough. Its my first break up.

My sadness and grief about our seperation immediately transformed into anger and rejection. She promised me not to tell anyone, but it seems like she is so angry at me, that she simply doesnt care to rush my few best friends at me. I send her a last message via Snapchat, in which I told her how cheap and unnecessary it was from her. She only shows double standards and I never thought she would do something with the only intention to destroy my social life. She did not answer, I didnt really expect her to do so. She just saved a screenshot of the message. 

Why would anyone do something like this? Now I have to talk to my friends about something I wouldve never told any soul exept my partner. I dont know if they even want to talk to me. They havent reached out yet and its been a while since they know. I dont know how to handle all this. If I lose my friends true, and I only have a few close ones, it would shatter me.

First and foremost, stop messaging or talking to her.

Not one more word.

She is using your messages and conversation as more gossip to share to her group.

Cut her off completely and don't give her anymore fuel.

Secondly, it sounds like you've learnt your lesson.

Life lessons are difficult, but it gives you experience and helps you become a better man, and this in time will do that for you.

As for her, she is acting like a school kid, creating a gossip group, spreading rumors.

It's hateful and it's completely unnecessary.

How to handle this situation?

Distance yourself from her and from her gossip mongers as much as possible.

If they ask you any questions, or try to speak to you, ignore them.

Be the bigger person and don't involve yourself in their childish antics.

The gossip will eventually die down and get boring to them, they will move onto bullying someone else.

All you can do is learn from this and move on.

Edit: I realize that you must have taken out some context in your original post.

I wasn't aware of what you had done.

What you did was very serious, and not okay at all.

But I am not going to make you feel worse than it sounds like you do already.

As long as it is something you have learnt from, and won't ever repeat.

Just keep moving forward.

[MissCanuck]

All you can do is keep your distance from her and anyone else who is now privy to what you did, especially the young women whose images you faked. I would argue that those woman had a right to know that their images were used in this way, actually. Everyone else, no. 

You might have to use this as a tough lesson in wiping the slate clean, getting help for your issues, and forming new friendships that are not in any way connected to these people. 

[Wiseman2]

She has the right to inform her friends of your actions. While lawmakers are trying to make what you've done a crime through "Preventing Deepfakes of Intimate Images Act", these people could definitely file civil damage suits against you. It seems like you need some professional legal and psychological advice.