Should I go no contact on her?

[MetalAlloy]

Sorry this might be a little long but here's my  situation.

 

My ex is an introvert has no friends besides her ex's sister who's shes known for 20+years, has 1 week with her 3 kids and the next without them type of rotation with her Baby daddy, the guy before me.

 

 

 

She broke up with me in august, I told her all the things I felt I did wrong and could've done better but ultimately she decided she wanted to work on herself and her self sabotaging behavior and avoidance tendencies she developed from being with her ex who treated her like *** for 13+ years and got worse once he got addicted to pills the last 5. They were on and off throughout the relationship a few times. She pretty much got into a relationship immediately right after with me after moving out from his house, which was probably to soon and didn't give her time to heal or work on herself, but she felt like she was ready atm. They were broken up 2 years prior before her meeting me and moving out which I can confirm from her Facebook messages between the two of them. Throughout September going into October we started talking again after giving her time to think about giving me a second chance to which she said she no and that she stood by her decision because she doesn't feel like she can work on her mental health while still having a boyfriend and fulfilling certain relationship obligations with her anxiety and shutting down avoidance trauma.

 

 

 

It went from her being fine with staying friends and only wanting me to check in on her every 2 weeks-few months, then the next week her being fine with me talking to her whenever I want except when she has her kids and to keep it minimum when she's with them, to her no longer caring at all. So it seemed like things were trending in a direction that seemed like maybe we could slowly get back together. She was however adamant that she didn't want us to hangout or meet in person yet, or at least at work and she doesn't want coworkers to see us together and spread talking. I didn't mention going to her home because our job is closer than her apartment especially when I get off work it's just easier. I asked her twice if it was cool to pull up and talk to her after I got off my shift(I work at the house up the street) but she said not yet, she wants to keep it like this for now. But she hasn't suggested I see her at her apartment either then again she does live with her brother and parents soo I guess it'd be weird having the ex come around.

 

 

 

Anyways when I would message her she always responded pretty much instantly or within a few minutes and we would conversate throughout the entire day and a few days in a row we even text all day and night than pick back up right in the morning. She would be the one to pick back up since she calls asleep first as always. Sometimes I would keep it going and other times, she would keep it going. However the only times she ever initiated herself this past month in a half was when I had sent her a few gifts because I felt bad and guilty for not getting her things for her birthday in July when she was being very avoidant, but she had given me so many things in may for my birthday. Then the other initiation would be her telling me the gifts she sent me was going to be delivered today, 7 days ago when I started NC. Unless her picking back up the conversations in the morning a few times counts as her initiating first. The only thing she doesn't want to do is see me in person yet, unless it's the off/rare chance I pick up an OT with her at work which she's perfectly fine with.

 

 

 

Things sound good between us and all, but the reason Ive been NC the past 8 days was because I've initiated 98% of the conversations between us the past month and a half, and I mean we talk and she responds so quickly and we have actual good quality conversations not dry boring responses. Sometimes yes the conversations fizzle out and we don't keep it going but we always have good streaks where it goes all day and night, and the times we talk on the phone we can talk up to 2-3 hours easy. But at the same time I feel like I'm chasing her. Also me and her  worked on "the shadow work journal" which exposes child hood traumas and abandonment types but she hasn't done work on it in a few weeks and said she hasn't had the motivation+the last time I physically saw her 2 weeks ago at our job at night where I had to pick up a gift package I sent her an exchange the bra because it was the wrong size she didn't wanna get in my car and talk, said she was hungry and just wanted to go inside and watch some TV then sleep(group home job) but did talk for a bit through my car window. Also it kinda hurts knowing she talks to her coworkers all the time at work, at least the ones she's acquaintances with, I know it's work and she has to be there but it kinda hurts knowing I have to message her first for her to want to talk to me. However she did say she didn't want to lead me on and give me false hope if she wouldn't be ready. I told her if she found someone else to tell me in case I still have feelings, and told her I'd do the same, and she agreed for my part, but told me not to tell her if I slept with other girls or got a new gf. 

 

 

 

Even though I mostly want to trust her from what I saw and heard from her the past 7 months we were together, on the off chance there's always a possibility she could have been cheating or seeing someone else, and I don't want to continue giving her attention and trying to support her if she's seeing or messing with someone else. Also I don't want to waste my time if she ends up finding someone else even after all my efforts. She did however say at one point last month where I wasnt sure if I could keep messaging her as friends that  she didn't want me to just disappear from texting her and if I was gonna take a break from messaging her to let her know, but at the same time she can easily message me first herself, as well as the fact that I feel I don't owe that to her since she lied to me about having lost interest in our relationship the last 2 months until the breakup, and she didn't want to say it to me to soon out of fear of my reaction and that she didn't want to regret it if she cut things off to early. But like I said she was self sabotaging and didn't give it her all out of fear of me leaving her or things not working out in the end when problems would arise between us.

 

 

 

Do you think I should stay on NC? It'll help me fully get over her. I'm 90% of the way there but it'll be slower if I keep talking to her. Or should I keep checking in on her mental health and seeing how's she's doing and talking about work and other stuff like I was doing? I do still want her back, but I'm also fine with moving if I have to. But she's been so receptive to my communication that I don't want to actually potentially have NC ruin  the potential with getting back with her. Or is she just using me for validation and attention since she has 1 friend and doesn't go out anywhere or have anything better to do?

 

I just think its kinda weird for her to have been as receptive to my communication as she's been being we're recent exes yet texting more than we did the last two months we were together, although not hanging out or seeing each other IRL of course. She doesn't carry on conversations with anyone else or phone calls for that long with anyone else which she's told me multiple times and I can confirm that from what I've seen of her Facebook messages and conversations between the exes sister and her 1 work friend.

It just kinda feels like things are trending in the right direction for us to get back together. 

 

Your thoughts? Does she seem interested in starting again but slow?🤔 Thanks 👍

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? How old is she? Does she still live with her family? Unfortunately her situation with the children's father and coparenting seems complicated and stressful.

She doesn't seem ready willing or able to have the relationship you would like to have. Yes give her space and stay no contact. It's the best way for you to process everything and regroup. 

[MetalAlloy]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? How old is she? Does she still live with her family? Unfortunately her situation with the children's father and coparenting seems complicated and stressful.

She doesn't seem ready willing or able to have the relationship you would like to have. Yes give her space and stay no contact. It's the best way for you to process everything and regroup. 

We dated for about 7-8 months. From December-August. She's 32 years old, I'm 24. Gotcha. If she doesn't initiate anything with me in about 3 months or so, should I reach out again or does that show she doesn't actually care about me, which would be weird after how good our communication has been if she wasn't to reach out.

 

My biggest fear is going on NC, her thinking I've abandoned her and possibly maybe somehow finding another guy even though she said she isn't looking for anything at all and is celibate until she's ready.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, MetalAlloy said:

We dated for about 7-8 months. From December-August. She's 32 years old, I'm 24. My biggest fear is going on NC, her thinking I've abandoned her 

If you haven't blocked her she knows how to contact you. Hopefully you are not hoping "no contact" is a tool from one of those "get your ex back" scams. 

You've only been together 30 weeks or so and there were simply too many complications and conflicts and incompatibilities.   Think of yourself as free to move on and date more appropriate compatible women who want what you want. 

[MetalAlloy]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you haven't blocked her she knows how to contact you. Hopefully you are not hoping "no contact" is a tool from one of those "get your ex back" scams. 

You've only been together 30 weeks or so and there were simply too many complications and conflicts and incompatibilities.   Think of yourself as free to move on and date more appropriate compatible women who want what you want. 

True.  But I mean to a degree I am hoping that NC makes her miss me and want to give it another go, I have no other options LOL. 

 

Unfortunately for me I'm not out there in the dating scene or like being out there. I am not comfortable in social settings anymore or with online dating so I pretty much just wait for whichever girls find me attractive at my jobs or somewhere else if I'm lucky, then make my moves. So who knows when I can even get another opportunity.

[shouldhavelearned]

NC

Work on yourself and what makes you happy

One day at a time

Try some new things

Meet some new people 

[catfeeder]

When someone breaks up with you, no contact is the best choice for your own head. It allows you to move your focus forward to build your own best future. All else is irrelevant. And messy. Have you noticed?

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, MetalAlloy said:

My biggest fear is going on NC, her thinking I've abandoned her and possibly maybe somehow finding another guy

No, you've got this backwards. 

She broke up with you. She already set herself free to find someone else if she likes. You can abandon someone who's already let you go, man. 

I know it hurts but this is over. She is trying to be kind to you but it's plain as day she doesn't see reconciliation in the cards. You need to stay No Contact. 

[MetalAlloy]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

No, you've got this backwards. 

She broke up with you. She already set herself free to find someone else if she likes. You can abandon someone who's already let you go, man. 

I know it hurts but this is over. She is trying to be kind to you but it's plain as day she doesn't see reconciliation in the cards. You need to stay No Contact. 

Gotcha, thanks. I'll be moving on and staying NC then. Wish she wasn't so kind as to have texted me as much and sent me gifts. But I guess if she's not initiating herself than there's my answer. At the start of us dating and getting together she was initiating with me all the time and clearly that's not the case here. 

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, MetalAlloy said:

At the start of us dating and getting together she was initiating with me all the time

Right, but you aren't dating anymore. 

I get that it stings when we realize the other person just isn't into it anymore, and we want things to be the way they were. However, at some point we have to let go of how it was, and start dealing with the reality of what it is. 

I know you are also worried that she will find someone else, but you going No Contact (or not) isn't going to move the needle there. She will eventually move on, as will you. 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, MetalAlloy said:

Do you think I should stay on NC?

Definitely. And I would say something that might sound a bit harsh: Her mental health is not your concern. She broke up with you and doesnt even want to see you. You are in no obligation to check on her regarding anything, including her mental health. In fact, as you described it, she just wants your attention aka to send her messages. But without actually commiting with you. And, if the situation is like that, you should feel free to go NC and not talk to her ever again.

[MetalAlloy]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Definitely. And I would say something that might sound a bit harsh: Her mental health is not your concern. She broke up with you and doesnt even want to see you. You are in no obligation to check on her regarding anything, including her mental health. In fact, as you described it, she just wants your attention aka to send her messages. But without actually commiting with you. And, if the situation is like that, you should feel free to go NC and not talk to her ever again.

 

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Right, but you aren't dating anymore. 

I get that it stings when we realize the other person just isn't into it anymore, and we want things to be the way they were. However, at some point we have to let go of how it was, and start dealing with the reality of what it is. 

I know you are also worried that she will find someone else, but you going No Contact (or not) isn't going to move the needle there. She will eventually move on, as will you. 

I want to ask you guys one more thing. The main reason and continuous problem leading to our break up was neither one of us having our own place. I live with my mom and stepdad, she lives with her mom, dad(both disabled) and her brother. My mom is also the higher up at  our job and did not accept her at first+the age difference. She especially could not get comfortable feeling like we could hangout without our parents around or have sex. That led to us doing it in the car leading us to having to stop as we were pulled up on by cops 3 times, as well as having to get a hotel all the time. But with the hotel we usually only had money for 1 night or so and her sex drive as she's older isn't as big as mine. So if she wasn't in the mood on that one day(even though she would always give it up and say we could do it anyways regardless of if she wasnt in the mood or even sick). That took a huge toll on her and she couldn't do it anymore. So we pretty much only hung out in my kia soul lol or 1-2 days at a hotel for our entire relationship.

 

My question is, here's my plan. I'm going to go on NC. Once I get my big apartment with a Roommate by around December or January, I've been slowly saving money all year for moving out. I will contact her again, catch up with her, than see if she's fine with me coming down to talk to her at her apartment in the parking lot. If so, I want to ask her since I've now fixed the biggest problem we had deal and work around with, if she is willing not to get back in relationship with me again, but see if she is fine with us talking and starting slow again and see where things go. If not, cool Im already moved on and won't bother her again. If she's fine with that were both under no obligations we can see and talk and sex with whoever we want so there's no pressure. 

 

If she has another BF by then, even though I highly doubt it knowing how she is, that's cool. My main goal was to get out of my parents house anyways and it will at least get rid of that problem of living with my parents when it comes to looking for other girls.

 

Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, MetalAlloy said:

 both under no obligations we can see and talk and sex with whoever we want so there's no pressure. 

You can do this right now since she ended it. It seems like you are ruminating about all sorts of scenarios about getting together for sex again. 

It's great you're planning on getting your own housing focus on savings money perhaps getting a second job. The last thing you need is the police tapping on the window or an arrest for indecency.  Please discontinue thinking of dates and relationships as something you conduct in a car. 

[MetalAlloy]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can do this right now since she ended it. It seems like you are ruminating about all sorts of scenarios about getting together for sex again. 

It's great you're planning on getting your own housing focus on savings money perhaps getting a second job. The last thing you need is the police tapping on the window or an arrest for indecency.  Please discontinue thinking of dates and relationships as something you conduct in a car. 

Yeah I know, but the problem right now isn't fixed, and won't be until a 2 months from now. I will also continue to run into the same problem if I start dating and looking around now. 

 

I mean it didn't/dosent bother me, but as I get older I realize now that it probably will bother other woman so I'm making the change now

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, MetalAlloy said:

 won't be until a 2 months from now

Ok when you are settled in your housing get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting interested, uncomplicated, single, child free women in your age group. 

This particular woman is no longer interested and it's your responsibility to find dates and sex. 

[MetalAlloy]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok when you are settled in your housing get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting interested, uncomplicated, single, child free women in your age group. 

This particular woman is no longer interested and it's your responsibility to find dates and sex. 

Alright then. Guess I have no choice. I won't contact her again, I'll stay NC regardless and see if I can find someone else. Thanks 

[boltnrun]

How do you have access to her Facebook messages? Or do you mean her public Facebook posts?

[MetalAlloy]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How do you have access to her Facebook messages? Or do you mean her public Facebook posts?

When she signed into Spotify on my phone through her Facebook I guess it put her account directly onto my phone. I accidentally opened up Facebook the week before the breakup on the chrome browser and behold I was in automatically in her account. I already know everyone is gonna say it was morally wrong to look at her profile, but IDC, things were dropping off between us and I wanted to see if she was cheating or talking to other guys and she talks to 99% to people on Facebook messenger. So, I looked through her conversations with her 1 friend, her co-worker, and her ex. I kept checking every day after the breakup but found 0 evidence and it was really dragging down my mental health doing that so I signed out and took her profile off my phone.

[Kwothe28]

41 minutes ago, MetalAlloy said:

My question is, here's my plan. I'm going to go on NC. Once I get my big apartment with a Roommate by around December or January, I've been slowly saving money all year for moving out. I will contact her again, catch up with her, than see if she's fine with me coming down to talk to her at her apartment in the parking lot. If so, I want to ask her since I've now fixed the biggest problem we had deal and work around with, if she is willing not to get back in relationship with me again, but see if she is fine with us talking and starting slow again and see where things go. If not, cool Im already moved on and won't bother her again. If she's fine with that were both under no obligations we can see and talk and sex with whoever we want so there's no pressure. 

 

No! Your "plan" rests on a premise that if you only fix one issue she will magically get back with you. That is not why "no contact" is there. NC is there so you could more easily accept its over and moved on from somebody. Not because that you would miss her so much that she would get back with you. You work on yourself because of yourself. If you want to live alone to make your living situation better, all power to you. But you dont do that because of some woman. If she doesnt want to be with you, she doesnt want to be with you. And you need to work on accepting that, not concocting plans to get her back.

[MetalAlloy]

15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

No! Your "plan" rests on a premise that if you only fix one issue she will magically get back with you. That is not why "no contact" is there. NC is there so you could more easily accept its over and moved on from somebody. Not because that you would miss her so much that she would get back with you. You work on yourself because of yourself. If you want to live alone to make your living situation better, all power to you. But you dont do that because of some woman. If she doesnt want to be with you, she doesnt want to be with you. And you need to work on accepting that, not concocting plans to get her back.

 I've been planning on moving out for myself the whole year, not because of her. I had already told her before hand when she was helping me look around for places that they were to expensive and I wasnt ready yet atm and needed to save more money. I didn't think would be ready until maybe March or April, until this other girl I've been friends with for years told me she was living with her parents and is ready  to move out too so we made the plan to move out together and are both planning for December.

I was just thinking that if I don't have another girl at that point(which I won't) or if shes still single and I've fixed the biggest issue we had together, then what's the harm in seeing if she wants to start slow and rekindle interest and see where things go?  I'm mostly over her at this point so IDC much either way. My main goal RN is to get outta my parents place to get my drive back so I can figure out where I want to go and be in life. I was to comfortable there.

[boltnrun]

14 hours ago, MetalAlloy said:

Unfortunately for me I'm not out there in the dating scene or like being out there. I am not comfortable in social settings anymore or with online dating so I pretty much just wait for whichever girls find me attractive at my jobs or somewhere else if I'm lucky, then make my moves. So who knows when I can even get another opportunity.

Seems like you want to reconcile because you don't have any other prospects, not because she's the right one for you.

A 32 year old woman with three kids is a lot to take on in your early-mid 20s. 

[MetalAlloy]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Seems like you want to reconcile because you don't have any other prospects, not because she's the right one for you.

A 32 year old woman with three kids is a lot to take on in your early-mid 20s. 

It would have been a good opportunity  to have seen if I'd want kids in the future or not. 

 

The right one may never come along. May as well make due with what comes at me and fix what's fixable. And part ways if things can't  work out.

 

[MissCanuck]

Make a plan to move out, yes. 

But please don't assume that she will want to try again just because you don't live with your parents anymore. 

[MetalAlloy]

53 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Make a plan to move out, yes. 

But please don't assume that she will want to try again just because you don't live with your parents anymore. 

Been planning and saving all year.

Depending on how I feel and if I don't have any other options after moving out I might possibly contact her. But at the end of the day like another user said she has my number and contacts so at the same time if she wanted anything else more to do with me she'd reach out herself, so most likely I won't be bothering her again. 

[Andrina]

21 hours ago, MetalAlloy said:

Unfortunately for me I'm not out there in the dating scene or like being out there. I am not comfortable in social settings anymore or with online dating so I pretty much just wait for whichever girls find me attractive at my jobs or somewhere else if I'm lucky, then make my moves. So who knows when I can even get another opportunity.

Geez, you're only 24 and you're signing yourself up for such misery. I was getting depressed just reading about what you'd like to return to. Someone being pretty should not override her abandonment issues, anxiety, and all that other stuff that makes a person a poor candidate as a partner.

And you just waiting for women to fall in your lap is not a good dating plan. I used to have a friend who did the same thing but with guys, and each one was totally subpar. I told her that she was being passive and it wasn't working for her. Being proactive and taking the reins would've been far smarter.

You will have to get used to enjoying social settings with practice, because if you just expect to have a gf without hanging out with friends like other couples and groups, and going to concerts, participating in hobbies, etc., then that gets quite boring and smothering.

I was shy but when I was single, I joined Meetup.com groups and people always spoke to me at the events and I made my own effort. I survived and so will you.