Dating Advice - Girlfriend has a gay BF

[LongJohn75]

I've been dating a lady for a number of months. We were friends/acquaintances for a couple of years prior. Back then I knew she was friends with a gay guy but everyone thought they were a couple as they were always together, holding hands and going to dinner etc. Since I'm not the type to confide in others anymore I'm seeking out some helpful impartial advise from the wonderful people of the internet. 

 

She's admitted to sharing a bed with him she said they never had sex, to be honest that's none of my business but it makes me very uncomfortable they have that level of a relationship and I feel kind of like a third wheel. I think because he's seen her naked before and they've been emotionally intimate and still appear to be. When we got together she didn't see any issues wanting to stay at his place or sharing a hotel room with him again or going to gay bars with him. It made me feel very jealous. I do not want to feel like this but I can't help it. She says she's very independent however spends most of her time with me now. I don't want her to abandon her friends but I find these types of relationships abnormal, maybe it's because it's another man? I don't feel this way about her female best friend.

 

I did something I hadn't done in other relationships I opened up and explained my feelings to her. Explained how this made me feel uncomfortable to put it mildly, she said she understood. However they still hang out, talk a lot on the phone and right now they are in the same hotel together for work which she didn't tell me about until after they got there together. She said we drove together it was on the way. It was 20 minutes out of the way. Again I felt jealous but I got the "but he's gay". It just rings back to my ex wife saying "but he's married" or "he has a wife" or "they have children". She cheated, that doesn't mean my gf would do the same but I cannot escape that very same feeling.

 

In all this time I've never once met this friend, I've met her family and most of her friends so far but not him. He also is never with any of her other friends not once. It does raise a level of concern however, I'm conflicted. I do not want to progress with this relationship further until I meet this guy that I oddly feel competitive with. All I know is right now my gf told me nothing about spending a week for work at a hotel with this guy and all i get in return is the "he's gay" and it just makes me want to get out of this relationship. She did claim they have sperate rooms but I can't help but think that's a lie, thanks ex wife.

 

My feeling is I'll probability end this relationship if I don't meet this guy in the next 6 months. I cannot shake the feeling their relationship is abnormal and maybe that's because he's male but, I don't know.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think it matters if he is gay or even a man or a woman. As long as you think they are doing something innapropriate, that means that you are not fine with her behavior. Which in turn means that what she is doing is out of your boundaries. And that you should break up with her. 

I mean sure, you were cheated and that also turns on some lamps in you. And this might as well not be something sexual(though I would like to point out that other then hers "Its fine he is gay" you dont have any other proof so he might not even be that). But her behavior? That is not something that you should turn your blind eye. Because yes, its grossly innapropriate. And highly suspicious being that you didnt even met the guy.

I wouldnt wait for 6 months. You need to know that those things wont change in that time. She would still be dodgy about him and strip and sleep in the same bed. You explained her already that you are uncomfortable with the situation. She didnt do anything about it to make you feel easier. And just started being secrative about it and telling you when its already late so you wouldnt be mad and couldnt make a scene about it. So, break that sooner rather then later. Then you can find somebody who wont strip and sleep in the same bed with her "gay bestie". And she can still do that stuff but without you in the picture.

[LongJohn75]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think it matters if he is gay or even a man or a woman. As long as you think they are doing something innapropriate, that means that you are not fine with her behavior. Which in turn means that what she is doing is out of your boundaries. And that you should break up with her. 

I mean sure, you were cheated and that also turns on some lamps in you. And this might as well not be something sexual(though I would like to point out that other then hers "Its fine he is gay" you dont have any other proof so he might not even be that). But her behavior? That is not something that you should turn your blind eye. Because yes, its grossly innapropriate. And highly suspicious being that you didnt even met the guy.

I wouldnt wait for 6 months. You need to know that those things wont change in that time. She would still be dodgy about him and strip and sleep in the same bed. You explained her already that you are uncomfortable with the situation. She didnt do anything about it to make you feel easier. And just started being secrative about it and telling you when its already late so you wouldnt be mad and couldnt make a scene about it. So, break that sooner rather then later. Then you can find somebody who wont strip and sleep in the same bed with her "gay bestie". And she can still do that stuff but without you in the picture.

That's the thing I don't know if anything inappropriate is happening. To be factual all I have is her telling me these things in confidence and her word that the guy is gay. There's only a few pictures of him on her social media and all are identified as being her "friend" or "work spouse". He's either gay or so deep in the friend zone he's calming gay to get close but if so why not act on it long before I was in the picture. The vast majority of her pictures are her and her female friends again not one single picture of this gay friend and her female friends.

 

I don't care for the not telling me about the work event and basically being with him there. Not telling me isn't a lie, she doesn't have to tell me but it'd been nice if she did. Then again she knew I'd be like why would you drive with him there. Then again she didn't have to tell me any of that after the fact? It bothers me because the night before she was on her phone non stop ignoring the movie she said she wanted to watch then said she was texting her female friend. Which she may have been but I found it rather disrespectful so I left quite pissed but she didn't know it as she was glued to her phone.

 

I also feel so very jaded from my ex. I suspect everything now with every woman I've ever been with and I usually cut things off when I feel like things aren't quite right. I'm at that point with her but I don't know if it's me or past experience taught me a harsh lesson. I hate ending relationships because I'm overly cautious but I've also found too many ladies like to have their cake and eat it too. Not all ladies I'm sure.

[lostandhurt]

So first off don't punish this woman because of what your wife did.  My wife cheated as well and I make it a point to never treat a woman I am dating like she is or may do something like that just because my ex did.  It simply is not fair.

 If you just break up with her that is kind of cowardly frankly because as of right now you know virtually nothing about this guy.  I do agree it is pretty sketchy that you have never met this guy since you have known her a while now and he has never been around when you are.  Since you already expressed how you feel about all this to her (good on you btw) then the next step is to suggest the three of you have dinner at your place.  Make sure it is at your place so you have home field advantage.  See what she says about the idea.  If she is enthusiastic about the idea then that is a very good sign but if she is dodgy and makes excuses and tries to keep it from happening then she is definitely trying to keep him away from you.

  If this guy is her bestie then it seems like she would want you to meet him pretty soon just like family and friends.

Take the initiative and suggest the dinner the next time you are together.  Do it in a way that shows you want to meet someone that is very important to her and you want to meet them, not like you want to check the guy out and see if he is a threat.

 Your feelings are perfectly valid but most of them are coming from your past and not from actual real information.  Replace those thoughts and imagined ideas of this guy and what goes on between them with real life information from a nice in person meeting.

Lost

[LongJohn75]

14 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

So first off don't punish this woman because of what your wife did.  My wife cheated as well and I make it a point to never treat a woman I am dating like she is or may do something like that just because my ex did.  It simply is not fair.

 If you just break up with her that is kind of cowardly frankly because as of right now you know virtually nothing about this guy.  I do agree it is pretty sketchy that you have never met this guy since you have known her a while now and he has never been around when you are.  Since you already expressed how you feel about all this to her (good on you btw) then the next step is to suggest the three of you have dinner at your place.  Make sure it is at your place so you have home field advantage.  See what she says about the idea.  If she is enthusiastic about the idea then that is a very good sign but if she is dodgy and makes excuses and tries to keep it from happening then she is definitely trying to keep him away from you.

  If this guy is her bestie then it seems like she would want you to meet him pretty soon just like family and friends.

Take the initiative and suggest the dinner the next time you are together.  Do it in a way that shows you want to meet someone that is very important to her and you want to meet them, not like you want to check the guy out and see if he is a threat.

 Your feelings are perfectly valid but most of them are coming from your past and not from actual real information.  Replace those thoughts and imagined ideas of this guy and what goes on between them with real life information from a nice in person meeting.

Lost

I agree I do not want to project what my ex did on her I also don't want to run from every relationship because somethin isn't right. However not having met this guy is more than just a curiosity at this stage. I've asked to meet him a few times and every time either something comes up or it's so last minute I can't possibly make it which could to be fair be just how it is or it isn't. 

 

They are coworkers and do seem to have regular lunches yet their offices are about an hour apart which to be honest is very weird but she says it's work, again I've no evidence either way to suggest otherwise. I don't want him in my house but I think I will take your advice. I'll ask her to tell me of their next lunch meeting as a venue for me to meet this guy. She's very intelligent. I've no doubt she knows I intent to check him out. She know I'm going to be quite through and will want to size him up. However if there's never any meeting this guy I'll assume the worst and be forced to move on. I've already mentioned the whole staying with him or sharing a hotel room with him is so far beyond my comfort zone I'd break up. I hate to be like that but I find it so wholly disrespectful to this relationship. I would not under any circumstances beyond a dire emergency share a room with a female friend while in an active relationship.

[Jaunty]

I have a problem accepting that it's "normal" for anyone to be threatened by their partner's intimate friendships, regardless of the sex/gender of the friend.

Why would this be threatening?

There might be a reason for concern that you have not met her very closest friend.   Not because there is some kind of hanky-panky going on, but it might reflect something about how she views your relationship.  

 

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter if it's inappropriate or not...you don't like their dynamic and I would say most men wouldn't either. Her lying is her choosing him over you. They are still sharing emotional intimacy that should be reserved for you. You already expressed your concerns and she blatantly disregarded it. Now you know where you stand with her. I would just see myself out of this relationship if I were you....

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and what I’d consider inappropriate would be for me to form a relationship with someone who’s long time close friendship predates me, and expect that I should be able to influence that. I know this going in, and there’s no law that says we need to be wild about all of our lover’s friends

My own private rule is that I won’t involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex lover beyond shared children. But close coworkers and friends? I’ll need to test the waters and learn whether I can live with my lover’s choices, or not. If not, then I’d step aside rather than raise a power struggle. Because, think about it—that’s an instant wedge between lover and ME, not the friend.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope this works out well for all of you. I hope you’ll meet the friend soon, and I hope you will allow yourself to be won over. Wouldn’t that be great?

[MissCanuck]

This is not the woman for you. 

You and she have very different expectations and values, and this issue highlights that. This is an incompatibility that you should be paying attention to. 

 

[lostandhurt]

On 10/24/2023 at 7:40 AM, LongJohn75 said:

I don't want him in my house

Why not?  This person is your gf very close friend and coworker. 

You don't even know the man, what he is like or his character at all so why wouldn't you  want him in your house?

  The lunch thing is fine but it will be less revealing than dinner at your place. 

I get the feeling that she is not telling you the whole truth.  How many months exactly have you been dating?

Lost

[Wiseman2]

On 10/24/2023 at 9:05 AM, LongJohn75 said:

My  feeling is I'll probability end this relationship if I don't meet this guy in the next 6 months. I cannot shake the feeling their relationship is abnormal and maybe that's because he's male but, I don't know.

If you are incompatible or you feel crowded out by this friend, it's good to reflect on. Meeting him makes no difference whatsoever. It's a myth that "keeping your enemy closer" will reveal anything to you.

Many affairs happen right under people's noses all the time so a meeting with him is pointless. Especially since whether they are sexual or not (he may be bi, etc.) is of course a factor, but the biggest issue is you're a third wheel in their tight friendship (or whatever it is). 

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Why not?  This person is your gf very close friend and coworker. 

You don't even know the man, what he is like or his character at all so why wouldn't you  want him in your house?

 The lunch thing is fine but it will be less revealing than dinner at your place. 

I get the feeling that she is not telling you the whole truth.  How many months exactly have you been dating?

Lost

Yep, and this is the kind of doubt that raising a power struggle can incite. When we treat someone as though we don't trust them, their first impulse may be to cover themselves like someone who can't be trusted, because now they feel a need to hide what would otherwise be open.

So that match is lit, and there's a charged fall down into a fire pit.

This is a new relationship. Either you trust this person enough to take it further, or you don't. But imposing control over a part of their life that has existed long before you? That's mean and unwise. Especially when you come to think of yourself as a victim in the process.

 

[LongJohn75]

Thanks for all the replies. I've raised meeting this friend again and again she has promised we'd meet with him and his boyfriend apparently. I suggested we just meet casually for lunch with him but she didn't want to. I asked why and she said it was agreed already she wanted to meet his boyfriend. Which is odd to me but I could also be reading more into that than there is. I agreed to this then the next day she acted like I never agreed to the meeting so I made it explicitly clear I would. I've reminded her numerous times about this just so she'd be clear including by text.