Husband makes no effort, I feel invisible

[Kathryn657xx]

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We've both done recent things we regret but have chosen to work through things together to make our marriage work. We have had therapy as a couple and as individuals. We worked mainly on triggers and what each person wants from the relationship and why things may have gone downhill in previous years.

His triggers were social media, nights out with friends, clothing and passwords. I have since been removed off all social media, I haven't been out socially with friends for well over a year and i am very conscious of what I wear. I also have changed my mobile phone password told him so he knows. I don't like him going on my phone but the option is there (he never does anyway). My triggers were him being more attentive to me as a person and helping more around the house with jobs. These have not been addressed, in fact he has got worse with both. I feel invisible to him, he doesn't compliment me, he very rarely talks to me about me (he will talk about himself and work etc). He does nothing around the house, he doesn't do much with the children in terms of general care, for example helping them with home work or finding their socks or changing their bed sheets. It is left to me, it is just a given that i will do these things. Most of the time I don't mind because he works hard and he provides for us. However, yesterday just heightened my disdain with it all. I had the head ache from hell last night, it bought with it nausea and sickness. After I had complained a few times that my head was hurting, I still prepared the kids dinner, bathed them and got them ready for bed. All this time (and i actually timed it) he sat on the sofa transfixed with his phone, for 44 minutes without speaking a word to me. I took myself to bed and he didn't realise but when he did he asked me why i was being grumpy? I just said i don't feel well. I was awake most of the night with the worst pain in my head - he slept like a baby, woke up in the morning on his phone yet again and didn't once offer to help get the kids ready for school - he didn't even ask me if i was ok. 

*I must say that i had an affair a few years ago now - emotional and sexual. This destroyed my husband but we have since been in a better place. He also had an emotional affair in the aftermath of mine so we have had to deal with that too. Hence our triggers. My actions were inexcusable but during therapy I have tried to explain what led to the affair and a lot of it was due to feelings of loneliness, being taken for granted and no help at all with the house or the kids. I work full time too by the way. How can he not see that his behaviour is unchanged? Or do I deserve to live through this now? I've made my bed and now I must lie in it...

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Kathryn657xx said:

After I had complained a few times that my head was hurting, I still prepared the kids dinner, bathed them and got them ready for bed.

What did you specifically ask him to do? I know I know he "should" know but rather than have him be a mind reader (I scrubbed down the counters last night despite post-vaccine fatigue and really bad arm pain- this is my job every night -would never occur to my husband to say "oh your arm is hurting, I'll scrub tonight" - but he did remind our son why I couldn't hug him and to be quiet so I could go to sleep earlier).  

Yes again he "should" know but my husband gets bad headaches -for me it's stomach stuff - and we still do our work/housework whatever.  Did your husband make you get out of bed to make the kids beds?

Also simply do NOT do those things - when the kids see their beds unmade -if you're not there -perhaps your husband who you say has a job/responsibilities -will somehow figure out how to make the beds.

I'd have a clear conversation in general -polite, mature adult about division of labor and what changes you want.  Like - I do all mornings - my husband is a night owl -unless there is a near emergency but last night he said something like -if I didn't feel well this morning post-covid vaccine he would take our son to the mile away bus stop.  But he's not going to get up in 15 minutes on the chance I'm not ok -I have to ask.

My overall sense -your husband is not over your affair.  This is his "immature" way of dealing with it -he's checked out.  All that talk about "triggers" is wonderful and it's good you all did counseling but right now you're acting like parent-child as far as your phone, and he's checked out - all that talk helped you maybe -but he feels what he feels.

However he should do more in co-parenting -it's not your children's fault if he's mad at you.

So I'd address logistics and then the core issues.  I'm sorry you're struggling!

Edited to add- to him his effort is bringing home the $$$$ - when I was a SAHM I did 95% of the child care and saw cooking/cleaning as secondary -we outsourced some of the cleaning and supplemented with ready to eat meals/take out as needed.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Kathryn657xx said:

. We worked mainly on triggers and what each person wants from the relationship.His triggers were social media, nights out with friends, clothing and passwords. I have since been removed off all social media, I haven't been out socially with friends for well over a year and i am very conscious of what I wear. I also have changed my mobile phone password told him so he knows.

Sorry this is happening. It's unclear why any therapist would tell you this type of abuse and control are a solution to his so-called "triggers". Please read up on abusive relationships. Stop isolating yourself and being brainwashed. 

Please speak with a therapist privately and confidentiality. Do not tell your husband.  While the affair did some damage, the solution is not to be abused  for the rest of your life. 

[Kathryn657xx]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What did you specifically ask him to do? I know I know he "should" know but rather than have him be a mind reader 

 

Thank you so much for your response. And this has always been a problem for me - I am stubborn so will never verbally say what i want, i feel like he should recognise my struggling. I totally understand this makes no sense and isn't fair on him so i do now try and be more upfront and ask specifically. In this scenerio (yesterday) i didn't ask for any help, i just felt too weak to really. He is aware of past issues though and one of the main reasons for me straying was because i felt like his mother rather than his partner.

 

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My overall sense -your husband is not over your affair.  This is his "immature" way of dealing with it -he's checked out.  All that talk about "triggers" is wonderful and it's good you all did counseling but right now you're acting like parent-child as far as your phone, and he's checked out - all that talk helped you maybe -but he feels what he feels.

However he should do more in co-parenting -it's not your children's fault if he's mad at you.

 

This is what i was afraid of and i am stunned that you have picked up on this from my initial post. I totally agree - i think he has checked out too. 

 

Thank you again for your reply.

[Kathryn657xx]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's unclear why any therapist would tell you this type of abuse and control are a solution to his so-called "triggers". Please read up on abusive relationships. Stop isolating yourself and being brainwashed. 

Please speak with a therapist privately and confidentiality. Do not tell your husband.  While the affair did some damage, the solution is not to be abused  for the rest of your life. 

Thank you kindly for your input. I did wonder why our therapist would offer these up as solutions. She didn't at first (during my individual session with her we spoke about social media, the clothes I wear, the friends I have - she was very much in agreement that to alter any of that for his benefit, to make him feel better would be controlling and abusive) but when we came back in together.. they way he described each 'trigger' to her in detail changed her mind. The Social media mainly because that was how he found out about my affair. Once he told he that she then said I should be willing to compromise. Social media isn't a big thing for me anyway, if anything it me feel bad so this wasn't all totally his decision. The clothes I wear, if they are more revealing am I looking for outside validation again? I should be more conscious of how this makes him feel. My friends (because they knew about the affair). 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Kathryn657xx said:

 we came back in together.. they way he described each 'trigger' to her in detail changed her mind. 

Please change your passwords immediately and please reach out to a competent ethical therapist privately and confidentiality. Please also research abusive relationships and please contact domestic violence agencies for support, information and help. Marriage therapy is contraindicated in abusive relationships specifically for this reason. They manipulate the sessions to further abuse you. 

[redswim30]

OP, 

IMVHO, most (not all) affairs are usually just the manifestation of a larger problem. 

It's completely unsurprising to me that you had an affair.  Because it really sounds like your husband wants total control of you.  

"His triggers were social media, nights out with friends, clothing and passwords. I have since been removed off all social media, I haven't been out socially with friends for well over a year and i am very conscious of what I wear. I also have changed my mobile phone password told him so he knows."

^ I hope you know these are NOT "triggers" they are control tactics.  Wanting to isolate someone from everyone and everything that isn't yourself, is what abusers do.  Please know that this is not NORMAL. 

Even if this was "triggering" for him after your affair (and not before), it's still not healthy to live your life this way.  He either has to forgive you fully and move on (without policing your every move) or not. 

He doesn't help with the children and ignores you.  Well, you DO need to clearly state your needs.  I've learned with most men if you "wait for them to WANT to help with chores, you'll be 'waiting' forever."  It's no one's fault, but society programs women to be "aware" of chores and not men. 

One thing I did not hear from you in this post is WHY you are trying so hard to "fix" this marriage that just doesn't generally appear to make either one of you very happy. 

Have you considered the possibility that you are both just extremely incompatible and you are fighting a losing battle?

It's up to you what you want to do, but here's one piece of advice- you definitely need a better therapist. 

But I do have to ask- WHAT and WHY are you holding onto this marriage?  Is it the time investiture?  The fact that you have children?  (that he doesn't help with anyway)  Is it complacency?  

Not all relationships can come back from affairs,  if your husband is choosing revenge, abuse, and total "control" over you as a coping mechanism, this is never going to work, no matter how much "counseling" you have.  If he can't ever trust you again, then he needs to be honest about that. 

Honestly, IMVHO, if were you- before you waste more time and energy in counseling.  I would sit down and talk to him and say something along the lines of, " I need you to tell me honestly how you feel about me.  I need to tell you that I need things like time with my friends and the agency to dress however I want to.  If you do not think you can handle that, then perhaps we should consider separating." 

^ THIS IS THE CRUX of the issue.  IMO, once a relationship reaches a point of someone needs to CONTROL the other person, you are doomed to fail.  If you don't resolve this, the odds of you eventually diving into another affair are strong.  And the more he views you as someone he can't trust to make choices, the more this will further erode things and create a greater possibility of him seeking another affair. 

You HAVE to find out if he's willing to FULLY forgive you and FULLY move on without being your jailor and without being outwardly emotionally aggressive and cold towards you.  If he ISN'T capable of doing this, OP- it's really best that you know now.  Before you waste years of time and money, suffer through more abuse hoping he will one day change or as previously mentioned, you continue to seek love and validation elsewhere because your husband isn't providing it.  Not saying you're a bad person, but it's a pretty human reaction.  

Please NOTE- It's one thing to "earn back trust" after an affair.  HOWEVER, you do not deserve to be ABUSED for the rest of your life because of it.  Your husband not letting you have friends, not letting you dress how you want, policing your phone, and not letting you have social media is all controlling and abusing behavior.  You made a mistake, but someone who loves you shouldn't want to see you permanently suffer for it.  If he cannot forgive you(which is his choice and right), then the right thing for him to do is to end the relationship instead of getting "abusive revenge" which will not change anything OR help your marriage. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Kathryn657xx said:

In this scenerio (yesterday) i didn't ask for any help, i just felt too weak to really.

I've been married with a man for 10 years who completely relied on me for the house and our son. He would also spend all his evening on the sofa with the phone while I would prepare diner, make laundry, and bed our son. He sometimes would do diner because we agreed that he could do twice a week, but then it was on me to clean the dishes... He was completely able to take care of our son while I was at work, but when I was around, he would do nothing. You saying you are too weak to ask for help reminds me of me. I wouldn't ask him for help because I was stubborn and didn't want to owe him any thing in return.
He always suspected I cheated on him, which I never. But he would control my phone, and always accuse me to be a cheater. I have to confess that I had a crush for 2 years on an another guy during our marriage, but nothing happened. But somehow he sensed that I wasn't completely his. 

1 hour ago, Kathryn657xx said:

hey way he described each 'trigger' to her in detail changed her mind.

This... We also had therapy sessions. but its was useless as he wasn't honest. At that time I would complain about how he doesn't leave me space to pursue my hobbies. Whenever I would do something for a few hours at home he would tell me how I don't spend time with him and our son. I complained to the therapist, saying that for me it was important somtimes having a few hours (2-3) in my free time the be creative and in stay in my bubble. And he would just tell her, of course I let her do whatever she wants... which wasn't true. He would reproach me when I did. So I stopped doing it. No need to mention that I had no friends on my own and would never go out without him... Even when I would have a drink with some colleagues after work, he would get angry and complaint about me being late...

I don't agree with the fact that he isn't supposed to know that you need help...  In fact I think It should be 50/50 from the start. There's no reason to ask for help in chores. A man should do it naturally as a grown up. And some of them do it, mostly men who divorced and had to learn to do things by themselves... you are not his mama. 

My opinion is that your relationship is not worth pursuing. I think you are not happy, and he seems to be bitter, and therapy won't help if he is dishonest. In your case, I would consider divorce... 
I realized it was the best decision I made in my life, because in my opinion, a man, if not because he has an affair, will never ask for divorce. I mean, why give up all the comfort you provide him... 

I wish you all the best.... 

[Sindy_0311]

Just one more thing, if you someday decide to go for divorce... (sorry Im talking about that again) But I highly suggest you seek help from a therapist to go through the process and find the right words and right behavior. He might tell you to be consistent with your decision and don't let you husband implement doubt about it (because I guess he will). 

When you have to deal with someone so controlling, you have to take serious precautions and know that the journey is going to be tough, emotionally speaking. You will find yourself repeating the reasons why you want to leave agin and again... Also you have to prepare your plan, know exactly how you ant to proceed, search for a place to stay asap. Also make arrangements before talking to your husband, explain the situation to a friend, so if you need to leave abruptly because things are going wrong, she can welcome you and you have a place to stay. Choose the right time to tell him, have the kids out of your house, just in case...  He might not be angry at the moment, but when he will have processed things by his own, he might be really bad sometimes... I needed to tell you because your husband reminds a lot of my ex and our divorce wasn't easy... It took him almost 2 years to accept my decision and it was emotionally draining. 

[itsallgrand]

You can't control him, you can only control you. Honestly you sound incredibly passive and poor in communication skills. You say you are ok with him not contributing to childcare and home most of the time, but then get silently angry when he doesn't act as an equal. Either you want an equal partnership or no, which is it? 

I'm not excusing his crappy behavior. But like I said, you don't control him, you control you. If you behave like a doormat who is constantly being put upon by others, there will always be someone in line to happily take advantage of that. You'll attract that. So if you don't change your passive response to life and relationships, you could leave him but your problem remains the same.

Having an affair rather than working on the marriage and/or deciding to leave a situation that won't be fixed is again, the passive reaction rather than being assertive. And guess what? It's impossible to fully trust someone who does not take full responsibility for their own actions in life. It wasn't loneliness or anything that led to cheating - you cheated because you made that choice in your situation rather than another. End of. Once you really get that, you will see it doesn't matter his end - you are fully in control of what you will put up with! 

 

[Sindy_0311]

37 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

 Honestly you sound incredibly passive and poor in communication skills.

 

I don't think she has poor communication skills. If I understood well, she addressed the problem about him not doing anything at home. It was one of her triggers at the therapy, and he didn't hear it. I think HE has poor communication skills and isn't capable of being honest and putting himself in question. Some people just can't because of lack of emotionnal intelligence and self-introspection faculties... Never their fault...

IMO she isn't passive, she is just drained and extremely tired. But I agree that cheating isn't an appropriate response, it's just something natural people do when they no longer feel valued in a relationship, it's just a symptom of deeper issues. Now, take real action would be more appropriate... Because honestly, with the personality traits of her husband, I don't see any possible resolution if therapy didn't work... (but these are only assumptions based on how she describes him) 

[itsallgrand]

12 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don't think she has poor communication skills. If I understood well, she addressed the problem about him not doing anything at home. It was one of her triggers at the therapy, and he didn't hear it. I think HE has poor communication skills and isn't capable of being honest and putting himself in question. Some people just can't because of lack of emotionnal intelligence and self-introspection faculties... Never their fault...

IMO she isn't passive, she is just drained and extremely tired. But I agree that cheating isn't an appropriate response, it's just something natural people do when they no longer feel valued in a relationship, it's just a symptom of deeper issues. Now, take real action would be more appropriate... Because honestly, with the personality traits of her husband, I don't see any possible resolution if therapy didn't work... (but these are only assumptions based on how she describes him) 

Well just to use one specific instance she described, she passively took care of everything when she wasn't feeling well instead of saying " Hon, I'm not feeling well. Will you feed and take care of the kids this evening?". 

And I don't think cheating is something natural people do because of issues in a relationship. I think cheating is personal choice - some cheat, some it's not an option in their minds regardless of what they feel. 

I'm not saying her husband is blameless in their dynamic but all she controls is her end and it would help her imo to work on that whether this relationship works out or not.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Kathryn657xx said:

I must say that i had an affair a few years ago now - emotional and sexual. This destroyed my husband but we have since been in a better place. He also had an emotional affair in the aftermath of mine so we have had to deal with that too. Hence our triggers. My actions were inexcusable but during therapy I have tried to explain what led to the affair and a lot of it was due to feelings of loneliness, being taken for granted and no help at all with the house or the kids. I work full time too by the way.

After reading the bolded, my sense is his deplorable actions now are NOT because he has not moved on from or forgiven you for your affair.  

His insensitivity and mentally abusive actions were already well in place prior to your affair. 

Simply put, he's an insensitive, controlling, self-centered ***.

He needs to be TOLD (or reminded) to help you around the house and with the kids (yours AND his) when you're sick with excruciating headache, nausea and vomiting?  

While he lazes on the sofa scrolling on his cell phone?   What is he 5 years old? 

What's going here?  That's crazy!!! 

Unless he's severely mentally challenged, I completely disagree that you need to "tell" him.  He's a grown man for goodness sakes.

I VERY much agree with Wiseman2.  His actions, before and after your affair, would be considered mental abuse by most and yes PLEASE do find a new competent therapist. 

I'm really sorry you're going through this, please take care of YOU and of course your kids. 

Life's too short. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Kathryn657xx said:

I must say that i had an affair a few years ago now - emotional and sexual. This destroyed my husband but we have since been in a better place.

What "better" place is that?  

[tattoobunnie]

5 hours ago, Kathryn657xx said:

...never verbally say what i want, i feel like he should recognise my struggling.

Wrong. When you marry a child, you have to speak up, and tell them what to do, until it becomes a habit.  No one just wakes up and knows how to clean, or get a kid ready for school.  You have to go through the steps several times till they get the hang out it.

Being passive aggressive doesn't help anyone.  You may sound like a drag or a nag, but some people really need the guidance.

Took me maybe 3 years to even say "I love you," after my hubs had been caught sexting with an ex for a few months.  6 years later, and we are in a terrific place.  We go out regularly and have our adventures, but I still won't plan anything for our anniversary.  You may have moved on, but your husband hasn't, and that's not on him.  It doesn't matter if he had an emotional affair after you smashed his heart and trust to pieces.

But your affairs have NOTHING to do with taking care of the home you both live in and the kids that are both yours.  He needs to be told and showed what to do.  I know that defeats the purpose, but thinking anyone is a mind reader, that's on you.  No one is.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

When you marry a child, you have to speak up, and tell them what to do...

I think even a child instinctively knows to help mom with chores when she's sick with headache, nausea and vomiting....

Or if not instinctively, they're taught empathy and compassion for others through example while growing up. 

Like when a child knows to dial 911 when mom is lying on kitchen floor unconscious.  Mom didn't have to tell him, she was unconscious.  But yet he knows to dial it.  He was taught it beforehand.  

Again unless he/she is mentally challenged in some way. 

I certainly did, so did my brothers. 

Common sense really. 

 

 

[lostandhurt]

Cheating is extremely hard to recover from and most of the time couples stay together out of fear, usually the fear of the unknown so they stay with what they know even if that means being miserable.

 Either he has forgiven you or he hasn't.  Either you have forgiven yourself or you haven't.  I would say since you tolerate this treatment you feel like it is part of your penance for cheating.  He will never forget you cheated and obviously doesn't trust you by his extreme controlling behavior. Has he forgiven you?  I doubt it and he uses your cheating as an excuse for the way you are treated.  This is NOT how you recover from cheating.

 Your husband was absent from the family before you cheated and continues to be absent now.  He is in the house but not connected to the family.  The cheating should have been a wake up call to you both that change needed to happen but it seems the only thing that changed was the way you dress, your social life and your passwords.  There is no excuse or reason or justification for cheating but it can be a catalyst for change. Sometimes that change is the realization that the relationship needs to end and sometimes it shocks all involved into action to repair the relationship and double their efforts to support, love and nourish the relationship and family.

 I don't see any of that from him, all I see is more of the same.  What the therapist had you work on was stupid. It was like you saw a therapist because your husband beats you and the therapist helped you work on the things that make him mad enough to strike you.  See my point? 

 Where you go from here is tough since your husband doesn't seem to care.  I am sorry but you have very limited choices in front of you. Stay and be miserable, insist on marriage counseling or start planning your escape from the marriage.  Counseling might work but he needs to be all in on  saving the marriage and if he isn't you should stop going and start planning your escape.

 Lost

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Wrong. When you marry a child, you have to speak up, and tell them what to do, until it becomes a habit.  No one just wakes up and knows how to clean, or get a kid ready for school.  You have to go through the steps several times till they get the hang out it.

Being passive aggressive doesn't help anyone.  You may sound like a drag or a nag, but some people really need the guidance.

Took me maybe 3 years to even say "I love you," after my hubs had been caught sexting with an ex for a few months.  6 years later, and we are in a terrific place.  We go out regularly and have our adventures, but I still won't plan anything for our anniversary.  You may have moved on, but your husband hasn't, and that's not on him.  It doesn't matter if he had an emotional affair after you smashed his heart and trust to pieces.

But your affairs have NOTHING to do with taking care of the home you both live in and the kids that are both yours.  He needs to be told and showed what to do.  I know that defeats the purpose, but thinking anyone is a mind reader, that's on you.  No one is.

Agree with this and what Itsallgrand wrote.  Also no it should not be 50/50 -it should be fair. Fair looks different in individual situations.  In our family, for the first 7 years of our marriage he worked far more than full time with regular business travel. We had our son shortly after we married and I was home full time.  We both wanted this 100%.

He encouraged me to get a weekly housecleaner (I opted for twice monthly since our son napped and napping plus having to clean for the maid -not worth it for weekly) - when he was home I wanted him to have time with our son not spend time cleaning.  I did 95% of the cleaning/food prep - he did the handyman kind of stuff and the electronics etc and a little bit of cleaning.  It was totally fair IMO.

And yes I had to get over the mind reader thing.  Here's an example. I was with our son from 7am to 7:30PM - short breaks when he napped and then I'd clean, etc.  He came home one night around 7:30 -bed time for son was 8:45 or so.  I was exhausted.  Child was probably a year or so.  He walked in --- on the phone with his parents -not an emergency. 

Our routine was he came home, he took over with baby.  I fully expected him to talk to his parents and change his son's diaper. Nope - he didn't go to the multitasking -as I would have had it been me. So I told him later - it's fine if you are on the phone but after 12.5 hours I need a break so please multitask.  Obvious -yes to me not to him.  So yes it required communication. One example of many.

[tattoobunnie]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think even a child instinctively knows to help mom with chores when she's sick with headache, nausea and vomiting....

Again unless they're mentally challenged in some way. 

 

People aren't born knowing how to clean.

People aren't born knowing how to wear make-up.

People aren't born knowing how to change diapers, or how to schedule play dates, or file their taxes.

Children do not inherit the ability to do chores if you do not show them.

ADHD is an executive functioning disorder, which would explain the doom scrolling her hubs does.  Even if he has it or not, people who just assume a person knows what to do will always be disappointed.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think even a child instinctively knows to help mom with chores when she's sick with headache, nausea and vomiting....

Again unless they're mentally challenged in some way. 

 

But maybe not in the most helpful way and not in a way the mom prefers it done - obviously she should take what she can get but if my husband loads the dishwasher in a way that makes it mor work for me to unload, that's not really helpful.

When I got my son's stomach bug and he was 3 and realized I was sick -he'd never seen me sitting in the recliner that long I guess- he helped by bringing me a green crayon.  It was awesome  -instinct only goes so far.

[Anonymous]

@tattoobunnieand @Batya33I edited my post adding this:

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Or if not instinctively, they're taught empathy and compassion for others through example while growing up. 

Like when a child knows to dial 911 when mom is lying on kitchen floor unconscious.  Mom didn't have to "tell" him, she was unconscious.  But yet he knows to dial it. He was taught it beforehand.

[rainbowsandroses]

In any event, it's a silly comparison imo because OP's husband is a grown man, NOT a child. 

Perhaps the real and only lesson to be learned from this is DON'T marry a child. 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

People aren't born knowing how to clean.

People aren't born knowing how to wear make-up.

People aren't born knowing how to change diapers, or how to schedule play dates, or file their taxes.

Children do not inherit the ability to do chores if you do not show them.

ADHD is an executive functioning disorder, which would explain the doom scrolling her hubs does.  Even if he has it or not, people who just assume a person knows what to do will always be disappointed.

My husband had zero experience with kids.  I had a ton.  He had the biggest heart and was over the moon about being and acting like a parent and - understandably!- he didn't know not to leave a child unattended on a bed even for a second while changing a diaper (once baby can roll over), didn't know how to make a bottle/clean breast pump parts, how to introduce new foods, how to hold an infant safely, about safe sleep, and how to play with a baby.  He didn't know how to treat a nose bleed and didn't know what the essentials were for a diaper bag - so if I'd left it up to him we'd have been missing essentials when we were out and about.

Instincts and heart in the right place and lots to learn -more than me -but he did.

[Sindy_0311]

16 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

People aren't born knowing how to clean.

People aren't born knowing how to wear make-up.

People aren't born knowing how to change diapers, or how to schedule play dates, or file their taxes.

Wrong, my ex husband learnt by himself when I left… people are born with common sense or not… that’s it. OP could perfectly have asked her to show him if only he was WILLING to do it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But maybe not in the most helpful way and not in a way the mom prefers it done - obviously she should take what she can get but if my husband loads the dishwasher in a way that makes it mor work for me to unload, that's not really helpful.

When I got my son's stomach bug and he was 3 and realized I was sick -he'd never seen me sitting in the recliner that long I guess- he helped by bringing me a green crayon.  It was awesome  -instinct only goes so far.

Bat, I wasn't suggesting he clean the house or even load the dishwasher, those things can wait if lord forbid OP's husband doesn't know how to.😳

I'm talking about basic compassion and thoughtfulness like helping with kids, ordering take-out, basic stuff not requiring any special cleaning skill or knowledge,  thus allowing his wife to rest and feel better. 

Versus laying on couch doing nothing and scrolling on his cell phone. 

OP's husband knew what he should  to do, bottom line is he didn't want to.  He didn't care.