Friend has gone off the rails

[rich1]

A friend I've known the best part of 30 years was arrested in 2021 for indecent images.

Getting over the fact you can never truly know someone - this is something I'd never have thought them capable of in a million years. It's so completely out of character. 

The long and short of it, they told me they have a porn addiction, and when downloading some via a torrent site, unbeknownst to them, one such torrent had content 'hidden' under a false name, which the police were tracking - think downloading a taylor swift album and finding out the files contain something completely different.

The police immediately had them on sharing content (the way torrent files work, as soon as you start to download, you also start to upload). He got 2 years suspended and 15 on the sex offenders register.

I'm the only one in our friend group that knows about this. I've been in an awful position (obv not as awful at friend, rightly or wrongly), of the moral question about whether it was really an accident, but also being the only one to know and being in a friend group with others that have young children.

Friend lost job, wife, house - which other friends know - and now rumour has it, has developed a drug problem.

 

Mutual friends are coming to me asking if they're ok - do they need to get involved, they're worried about this person, they never stick to plans, ghost when being invited out etc etc. It's so tough. I spoke to my best friend and laid it all out. Which feels like a betrayal to the first friend, but at the same time I'm so angry that I've done nothing wrong and yet feel so burdened. What if I believe the innocence, something happens and it turns out I knew?

I've advised that the friends who are in the dark be honest with this person and ask directly what's doing on. They can then decide whether to be honest about it all. 

I wonder how others have dealt with similar situations, where you're the only one in a group to know a dark truth that people are probing about but have no idea.

I felt myself let this friend go over the past 2 years, selfishly it's easier for me to ignore how it makes me feel and just make no effort with this friend. Does this make me as bad as the friend cutting out others?

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, rich1 said:

The police immediately had them on sharing content (the way torrent files work, as soon as you start to download, you also start to upload). He got 2 years suspended and 15 on the sex offenders register.

Sorry this happened. Since the police have access to his devices and files, the best thing you can do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your devices, contact lists, messaging apps and social media. Erase everything having to do with him. 

It's better not to be associated with someone like this whether his story is true or not, he got convicted after a thorough investigation including anything and everything on all his devices including his contact lists and communications. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

There is no room for forgiveness or acceptance with your friend's behavior and "interests"

Of course they will tell you they are innocent and didn't know.  His wife left him because it's completely true.  I am sorry because I know you are conflicted, but he is the worse kind of person on the planet.

If it helps, many serial killers also get married, have families that never knew.  I live in the region with the Gilgo Beach serial killer.

[Batya33]

I would stay in my lane, mind your own business and share no information with others and definitely have no online contact with this person.  Simply say "It's not my business and if you want information I'd suggest you ask him"

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, 2 years suspension and 15 on sex offender register is given to only one group of people. PDF files. Child diddlers. As far as moral question goes, your friend is the bottom of the barrel. The worst of the worst. Bottom of the society. No wonder his wife left him after knowing what he masturbates to. You dont have to condone that kind of behavior and its alright to leave somebody like that where he belongs to be. At the bottom.

[jul-els]

Even if you don’t consider this convicted person’s guilt or innocence, they still remain a highly toxic person. Not someone you really want in your life. I’d advise to cut ties and move on. 

[catfeeder]

You know your friend far better than anyone here. Most people, including me, don't own the capacity to explain what happens when people download from untrusted sites.

Malware can turn one user into a distribution factory. 

So, with that in mind, draw on your own historic experience and sentimentality and feelings with this friend, and treat him accordingly. This does NOT obligate you to become his advocate to others. It just means that you are in touch with your own ethics, and you place those above public assumptions.

I've clicked on wrong links years ago and had things open to other things and other things and other things--pretty much taking over my entire machine. Unlike today, I wasn't held hostage to payments to get use of my machine back, but I'm also unaware of whether I might have trafficked something disgusting.

I was due for an upgraded machine anyway, and I did that, but what if I were to have failed that dice roll and continued using the machine that still worked, despite a takeover of which I was unaware?

Consult your own gut--about the person, not the computer or popular opinion.

[Jibralta]

On 10/20/2023 at 12:43 PM, Batya33 said:

I would stay in my lane, mind your own business and share no information with others and definitely have no online contact with this person.  Simply say "It's not my business and if you want information I'd suggest you ask him"

Agree.

[Tinydance]

I think that police would really investigate something before sentencing a person to 15 years in jail. I'm sure they had the means to dig deep into it and check what those files were originally that he uploaded and so on. If they found good evidence that your friend was innocent, I doubt he'd have gone to jail. So it looks like what they found was actually proof that he really did it. 

I think you're really going above and beyond to support your friend. You seem like a nice person and very loyal friend. But I guess what you need to think about is do you really want to keep covering for a paedophile?

I find it sad that all your friends who have young children don't know this about someone who is supposed to be their friend. That takes the choice away from them as to what they want to do about it. 

I don't think you should feel bad at all that you're distancing yourself from this person. For one thing most people wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this. Secondly yes you have been burdened with this secret and that's really not fair. 

[Cherylyn]

No, you're not a bad person for cutting off this hopefully soon to be ex-friend.  Steer clear.  He's nothing but bad news.  Avoid him like the plague. 😒