My (37F)EX messages me(43M) but she’s married!

[lostandhurt]

12 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

I’m not here to break up a marriage!

This is exactly what you are a party too.  You are her ex that wants her and are having secret meetings.

 What exactly do you call what you are doing? 

Lost

[sunshine12345]

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I don't understand.  Well, I do ... I guess I am not grasping why YOU don't understand.

First of all, if you really wanted this woman you would not have dumped her after a mere 5 months of dating, especially after her traumatic experience of miscarrying a pregnancy (with YOUR child).  

The "ex" texting you a lot is not pertinent.  Texts are very easy to ignore.  

Anyway, you discarded this woman.  

You're a middle aged guy now.  Surely you have the self awareness to realize that you're just daydreaming about "what could have been."  It wasn't ever a reality and it certainly isn't going to be one now that she's married with children.

Perhaps you should spend some time in therapy to get yourself on course.  You don't want to spend the last part of your life in fantasyland when you might have opportunities to meet a true life partner, finally.

it's important to remember that we all make choices based on the circumstances and the information we have at the time. Back when I rekindled things with my ex, it might have felt like the right decision, even though it turned out to be a mistake in hindsight.

The last few days she hasn’t been as talkative towards me now and not mentioning the things she said previously. Perhaps the novelty has worn off with her. However it’s has screwed with my head slightly! 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

it’s has screwed with my head slightly! 

It should! Because a married woman is seeing you behind her husband and children's backs. 

Imagine her children seeing you two sneaking around together. How would that make you feel? Imagine her husband confronting you. How would that make you feel? Imagine her telling you she can't talk to you anymore because her husband found out about your affair (yes, it is). How would that make you feel?

There are single women in your area who would be much better prospects than a married woman who sneaks around behind her husband's back. 

[sunshine12345]

So I went on a date the other night from a dating site. My ex was messaging me throughout the day and dropped the bombshell I was meeting someone for a drink that evening. She then told me she was a little jealous but also at the same time was happy for me! 

[boltnrun]

I wonder if her husband knows about her messaging you all day and telling you she's jealous of your date.

[sunshine12345]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I wonder if her husband knows about her messaging you all day and telling you she's jealous of your date.

Nah I doubt it. She wouldn’t be messing me! 

[SooSad33]

On 10/14/2023 at 4:40 AM, sunshine12345 said:

I know this is very bad… but I still have feelings for her! It’s as if my feelings have resonated which were buried deep inside of me! She is the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I have so much regrets, as I should have been the person she should have married and had kids with! I’ve always wanted that family unit and now as time is passing I feel I’ll never get that opportunity now! 

IMO, you were left in the world of 'what if's.  You've been lost through your experiences and overly thrilled to have heard from her again...

I don't know how old you two were back 12 years ago, but NOTHING will be the same now as they were then.  She won't be the same as you remember vice versa.  you can guarantee she has changed! So, she won't be that person you remember from 12 yrs ago . Life changes us.

As for HER behaviour, being with a hubby & kids, is not amusing! 😕 

Why on earth would this woman be hitting on an ex from years ago, when she's in this position?

IMO, you truly do not know her from a hole in the ground!  you're going in blind in all of this!  How would YOU feel , knowing your wife's out there hanging with an ex?  I wouldn't exactly be putting this woman on any pedastal!

As for you, is time you work through these possibly 'repressed memories', or how you want to see all of this. 1) It was many years ago, we all make mistakes 2) Even if you hadda hooked up, dated etc, still no guarantee things would have worked out with her , right? 😉  ( heck this coulda been you, married to her now, as she's out there hanging with an ex! , Nah no thanks).

Is it maybe you're seeing her thru a different light.  As I said, she is not the same person you remember 12 yrs ago.. Step back, take a good look.

 

 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, sunshine12345 said:

So I went on a date the other night from a dating site. My ex was messaging me throughout the day and dropped the bombshell I was meeting someone for a drink that evening. She then told me she was a little jealous but also at the same time was happy for me! 

Two unethical people thinking they can build a beautiful fairytale romance on a bed of toxic fumes, and then they're shocked when it all blows up in their faces. It doesn't take a crystal ball to know that's your future, if she amped up her game with you. Too dumb. 

A bombshell when you're a single man and free to date anyone, and on top of that, she's mostly been ignoring you? This is really delusional and you're giving this a lot more weight than it warrants. The fact you felt great satisfaction when she mentioned the word jealous--a regular siren luring a desperate sailor to be smashed upon the rocks. Wow.

[boltnrun]

One of my family members also heard from a long-ago ex. She too was married. My family member was thrilled, excited, flattered. He felt she was the one who got away (sound familiar??) He was so excited and thrilled he engaged in an affair with this woman for years, even engaging her children as a cover story ("we visited Mommy's 'friend'!"). This woman finally left her husband and eventually married my family member. Well, she took him for a heck of a ride, draining him of tens of thousands of dollars and yes, cheating on him. After about a year of misery he divorced her, but the divorce took almost as long as the marriage had lasted because she was trying to get even more money out of him. He ended up drained emotionally and financially and is barely beginning to recover from that whole experience.

But I'm sure this woman would never do that to you. She's special and what you two have is "different". And yeah, that's sarcasm.

Don't be her patsy. 

[Jaunty]

You are painting yourself in a pretty bad light. All this nonsense with a married woman you had a very brief connection with over a decade ago - because I guess it's giving your ego some exciting strokes - I mean, you being on a date should hardly be a "bombshell."  You're a single person.  It is not a good look at all.

Can you be a stand-up guy and just stop it?  No real harm done so far.  

[sunshine12345]

Not sure if anyone is still here anymore. But a week ago. We met again in person. Again we chatted and held hands / hugged. Last I heard from her was on Monday telling me she has struggling with her MH and needed to find out what triggered it and needed to spend time with her family. I’ve not heard from her since then! I really feel like crap to be honest! I feel I’ve been led down this rabbit hole and been abandoned! 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

. Last I heard from her was on Monday telling me she  needed to spend time with her family. 

Unfortunately extramarital flings tend to be temporary. At least she leveled with you that she's focusing on her family. Maybe it's guilt, maybe the husband found out, who knows? Either way consider this "closure" so you can move forward in peace. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

Not sure if anyone is still here anymore. But a week ago. We met again in person. Again we chatted and held hands / hugged. Last I heard from her was on Monday telling me she has struggling with her MH and needed to find out what triggered it and needed to spend time with her family. I’ve not heard from her since then! I really feel like crap to be honest! I feel I’ve been led down this rabbit hole and been abandoned! 

No one led you anywhere. You played with fire and got burned. 

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

I feel I’ve been led down this rabbit hole and been abandoned!

So you have never been told that a marriage is supposed to be between the two married people and that having a secret relationship with a married woman is wrong?

[sunshine12345]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you have never been told that a marriage is supposed to be between the two married people and that having a secret relationship with a married woman is wrong?

Yes I know it’s wrong! And I guess I was caught in the moment of reminiscing the old times we had together! All the things she was saying to me felt like she still cared loved me etc etc! Or were they just lies? 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

 Or were they just lies? 

It's nostalgia and reminiscing about carefree youthful times to escape the drudgery you're feeling in your life now. Yes. It's a mirage. That's why it vanishes. 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

Yes I know it’s wrong! And I guess I was caught in the moment of reminiscing the old times we had together! All the things she was saying to me felt like she still cared loved me etc etc! Or were they just lies? 

It wasn't just a "moment" though, was it?

You played with a married woman and found out that a woman who cheats also lies.  There'd be no way for her to cheat if she didn't lie.  You also participated in the lies.

Think about the person you want to see looking back at you in the mirror.  A moral man with high standards, or a man who participates in illicit affairs with married women?

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

Yes I know it’s wrong! And I guess I was caught in the moment of reminiscing the old times we had together! All the things she was saying to me felt like she still cared loved me etc etc! Or were they just lies? 

No I don't think she lied.  She meant what she said at the time, but it was based mostly on the "fantasy" of being together and "longing" which is different from actually "loving."

Longing - craving and obsessing about what you DON'T have.

Loving - cherishing what you DO have. 

When you met again in person after so many years, "reality" hit and whatever feelings she had died along with the fantasy.

I'm so sorry, but this is quite common.  Dont be too hard on yourself, you're human.

Life goes on...

Hugs.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No I don't think she lied.  She meant what she said at the time, but it was based mostly on the "fantasy" of being together and "longing" which is different from actually "loving."

Longing - craving and obsessing about what you DON'T have.

Loving - cherishing what you DO have. 

When you met again in person after so many years, "reality" hit and whatever feelings she had died along with the fantasy.

I'm so sorry, but this is quite common.  Dont be too hard on yourself, you're human.

Life goes on...

Hugs.

To add, there's a lesson to be learned from this. 

Leave well enough ALONE.  Do not go back there, ever.   Cherish the memories and move on.  

Hold a special place in your heart, but the heart is huge, be open to loving another, truly loving.  

That won't happen if you insist on "longing" for someone or something you will never have. 

 

[Sally .C.]

The right thing to do is to break contact with this woman...however it is difficult to give advice to a man who is less concerned with what is right and more concerned with his own gratification.

Break it off with her now or continue to move forward and cause this family a lot of lasting pain. That's the choice.

[sunshine12345]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No I don't think she lied.  She meant what she said at the time, but it was based mostly on the "fantasy" of being together and "longing" which is different from actually "loving."

Longing - craving and obsessing about what you DON'T have.

Loving - cherishing what you DO have. 

When you met again in person after so many years, "reality" hit and whatever feelings she had died along with the fantasy.

I'm so sorry, but this is quite common.  Dont be too hard on yourself, you're human.

Life goes on...

Hugs.

I’ve been single 12yrs.. she was the only person who I have ever had that magical feeling before. I have truly given up on finding anyone. I’m 43 never married or had kids and times running out. I feel like my time has been and gone and I will never find that magical feeling again with somebody. I hate this generation of online dating.. it’s either a swipe left or right these days. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

I’ve been single 12yrs.. she was the only person who I have ever had that magical feeling before. I have truly given up on finding anyone. I’m 43 never married or had kids and times running out. I feel like my time has been and gone and I will never find that magical feeling again with somebody. I hate this generation of online dating.. it’s either a swipe left or right these days. 

What have you done besides online dating sites?  Have you tried to meet women in person by volunteering, joining clubs, groups or classes?  Have you asked friends if they know any eligible single ladies?

Pursuing a married woman results in more heartache, as you've found.  Plus you are behaving in a morally unacceptable way.  I don't know if that bothers you.

[Andrina]

I don't even know why you bother posting this update when you didn't take the advice, the first time, from what the overwhelming majority had to say.

There are other venues to meet women. Meetup.com, volunteer work, hobbies that women your age gravitate to. 

Obviously, your self-worth is lacking, and you probably feel a false "magical" feeling because dysfunctional situations somehow seem "right" to you. You believe it's all you're worthy of.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

I’ve been single 12yrs.. she was the only person who I have ever had that magical feeling before. I have truly given up on finding anyone. I’m 43 never married or had kids and times running out. I feel like my time has been and gone and I will never find that magical feeling again with somebody. I hate this generation of online dating.. it’s either a swipe left or right these days. 

I think it would be wise to do some inner work to determine why it is the only woman you were able to develop feelings for and become emotionally attached to in 12+ years was/is unavailable.

You might not think it's relevant but it is.  It suggests that you are also unavailable (emotionally) and unless and until you determine why, you will never be able to truly love.

Your life will be filled with craving and longing for people and things you don't have and never will have, perhaps that feels safe to you, I don't know.

Your choice. Figure it out assuming you want to be happy, I don't know the answer to that question either.  

Only you know. 

[sunshine12345]

Honestly I’ve tried… I’ve been on dates and they never seem to progress any further. I feel I’ve lost my social skills and not able to connect with people  confidently anymore. My confidence has lacked and I have suffered from MH a lot on and off my life! I feel people reject me and this is where I’m trapped in this continuous circle ⭕️ of me not able to process! 
Perhaps this is my life which I’m going to have to except