Severe Anxiety around Sex/Penetration

[im_a_feared]

So, I'm here looking for advice/mental tools/personal examples from people with vaginas. I've got some SERIOUS mental issues surrounding sex, specifically vaginal penetration. When I was 11 years old, I got curious about sex and snuck onto the computer to look up porn. I still didn't have an understanding of how exactly sex worked yet, so THAT was my sex ed. It was already jarring enough to find out that sex (traditionally) is a penis going into a vagina; That alone was making me very concerned and nervous about how THAT was supposed to fit in THERE. But then I saw some upsetting, violent animated porn where the woman was clearly in pain, and that just...scarred me, severely. It left an impression that penetration of any kind is painful, and I remember crossing my legs and SWEARING to myself that I was NEVER letting anything go in my vagina. Obviously nowadays, I know sex isn't SUPPOSED to be painful for those with vaginas, and that first time penetration, when done right, should only be a bit uncomfortable at first, not PAINFUL. But while I understand the concept, my brain still isn't catching up. I'm practically 28 now, and I've never had sex, never fingered myself, never used tampons, nothing. I definitely WANT to, but every time I've ever tried, I trigger a severe panic attack and make myself nauseous. I AM currently seeing a therapist for this, and we've been working through a lot of stuff, and I know it takes time to sort through years of trauma. We've been doing some journaling and DBT exercises, and they're helping a bit, but I'm still experiencing a bit of anxiety and nausea even just doing Kegel exercises. I wanted to come on here to try and get some anonymous perspective. Vagina-havers, what were your experiences with first time penetration? Was there any discomfort or pain, and if so, how bad was it? Did you have any lingering fears of penetration? If so, how did you work through it/get over it? I feel like if I heard others experiences, it would give me better perspective and help me sort through my trauma better.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, im_a_feared said:

what were your experiences with first time penetration? Was there any discomfort or pain, and if so, how bad was it?

I didn't really experience any discomfort the first time I had sex. 

I was a teen and had been in a relationship for several months with a lovely guy I really like. So, I was comfortable and happy to share the experience with him. My body responded well to that. 

Having said that, I'd never had any fear of penetration so I can't speak for how anxiety affects physiology in that case. I can only say that the first experience was enjoyable for me. 

[Batya33]

Where are you getting this notion that a woman would ever label herself or define herself as a vagina-haver? I'm a woman first and foremost and my body has private parts that are specific to being female and I was able to carry a baby in my body because I am a woman and those female parts worked for me.  My first time did hurt some -I was in my 20s -I'd waited by choice-, in love but we'd been arguing about when my first time would happen so that wasn't the best- but we were serious and in love.  It hurt some, not a lot. 

It hurt much much more to try to deliver a baby, and some gynecological procedures I've had hurt much much more -in those cases I needed anashesia/numbing at times but not for sexual intercourse of course.  I've only had sex in the context of a loving relationship, always consent and I think that helps as far as preventing any actual pain.

I'm glad you are getting therapy.

[boltnrun]

I had a cervical cancer scare and for a while I didn't want ANYTHING in there including Tampax. So I used pads for several years. Then gradually I got past it. It wasn't due to fear of sex.

Remember, biologically this is how we are made. 

It's great you are receiving therapy. Hopefully you can learn that men and women were designed to join together in this way. And that it can be a loving, enjoyable and exciting experience. 

[Seraphim]

My first experience wasn’t happy . I won’t go into further detail since you already have issues. With my husband it was always ok . 

[Crawfords Wine]

13 hours ago, im_a_feared said:

people with vaginas. 

those with vaginas, 

Vagina-havers, 

Please, they are called women. It's not a dirty word.

For those who were born with male genitalia who have undergone surgery, their experience is likely very different to yours and other women, simply because of a difference in anatomy, physiology and psychology, so please do not do yourself the disservice of comparing your situation to theirs.

 

With that out of the way, you say you are seeing a therapist, which is commendable, but does he or she specialise in sex and sexuality? If not, it may be worth seeing one who is, perhaps in addition to your current therapist.

It would be great if you can get comfortable enough with yourself and your body to start to explore a little. 
To experience how your vulva/vagina feels, how it looks (using a mirror) and how it connects to the rest of you, your body, and crucially, your mind. 

Do this when you are in a relaxed state of mind, not when life, family or work has you all frazzled. 
Perhaps when you're lounging in a warm bath with your favourite bubbles, or in bed with freshy laundered, crisp sheets. 
Learn what type of touch you find acceptable, even pleasurable. 
You can opt to use lube, or a non-scented oil (like sweet almond oil).
Take your time. Go slow, be gentle. 

Get to know your vagina, intimately. It's so important to find out what YOU like, what you find pleasurable, what turns you on, before letting anyone else get involved.
In time, when you are feeling comfortable, hike it up a notch and perhaps look into using a dilator. These are designed for women who are suffering with vaginismus. 

Play around with tampons. Have a look at the different brands and sizes, applicator or non applicator. 
Dismantle them, dip them in water to make 'em swell. Basically, do anything that'll make the little buggers less daunting and scary for you to use.

Remember that the size of the tampon is generally an indicator for the flow it can take, not the 'size' of your vaginal canal, but in your case it's probably smart to start small, and it replace more often.

Getting and being comfortable with all parts of your physical womanhood is the goal. The rest, e.g. penetrative sex comes later when you are good & ready.

Good luck!

 

 

[im_a_feared]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Where are you getting this notion that a woman would ever label herself or define herself as a vagina-haver?

Because not every person who has a vagina is a woman, and I was trying to be respectful and considerate of everyone 🤷 But that's another topic, and not the point of this discussion. Thank you for your input, and sharing your experience.

[Wiseman2]

Seek out a female gynecologist and discuss the issue in addition to seeing a therapist. 

[im_a_feared]

1 minute ago, Crawfords Wine said:

Please, they are called women. It's not a dirty word.

For those who were born with male genitalia who have undergone surgery, their experience is likely very different to yours and other women, simply because of a difference in anatomy, physiology and psychology, so please do not do yourself the disservice of comparing your situation to theirs.

Again, as I said with another, not everyone who was born with a vagina is a woman. I'm not ashamed of saying woman, or trying to do myself or anyone else a disservice or any disrespect; I'm trying to be MORE respectful by considering EVERYONE'S experience, that's all.

I am currently seeing a therapist who specializes in therapy surrounding sexual trauma, and we've done some of the exercises you've mentioned. The therapy is helping a lot, but I still have some pretty strong knee-jerk reactions when it comes to anything other than external touch. I react to it the way that some people react to shots (I'm one of those people lol). It's the same kind of anxiety. While therapy has been helping, I felt like I could make a lot of progress if I asked others about their personal experiences with first time penetration, whether that be with a partner or alone, so I could have a better idea of what to expect and how to handle it.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, im_a_feared said:

Because not every person who has a vagina is a woman, and I was trying to be respectful and considerate of everyone 🤷 But that's another topic, and not the point of this discussion. Thank you for your input, and sharing your experience.

Right it's off topic and it's disrespectful IMO in this context to refer to a woman in this way.  This issue is related to you being a woman.  Thank you for responding!

[Seraphim]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right it's off topic and it's disrespectful IMO in this context to refer to a woman in this way.  This issue is related to you being a woman.  Thank you for responding!

I will say having us described by body parts is really cringe and off putting. What makes me who I am is more than a body part . It is really ick. It kind of set something off in my own trauma response . 

[im_a_feared]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I will say having us described by body parts is really cringe and off putting. What makes me who I am is more than a body part . It is really ick. It kind of set something off in my own trauma response . 

How about if instead of referring solely to body parts, I described it as "any women, men, or others who have personal experiences with this"? I don't want to make anyone feel sexualized/reduced to just walking genitalia and set off any trauma, but I do want to include multiple perspectives, as long as they're first hand perspectives. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, that was not my intention 🙁

[Seraphim]

26 minutes ago, im_a_feared said:

How about if instead of referring solely to body parts, I described it as "any women, men, or others who have personal experiences with this"? I don't want to make anyone feel sexualized/reduced to just walking genitalia and set off any trauma, but I do want to include multiple perspectives, as long as they're first hand perspectives. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, that was not my intention 🙁

You can describe it as however you like, which is your right but the original description will put off many from answering . 
 

Hopefully you can resolve issue keeping you from enjoying that part of your life . 
 

Apology accepted. 

[boltnrun]

I didn't take it as you describing people as body parts. I also wasn't offended. That's just my personal feeling and is not disregarding or dismissing anyone else's perspective.

Maybe because one of my children is in the LGBTQ community 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, I didn't experience fear related to being penetrated sexually. I understood that it is part of being a heterosexual female. I hope you can learn to enjoy as many facets of the sexual experience as you choose.

[Batya33]

I have family members and friends who are gay and all of the other sexual orientations.  I don’t refer to a person as penis-having either and often enough women already feel reduced to objectified body parts. I’m sure if you just use the traditional description of woman a person who happens to fear penetration by a penis whether in a vagina or some other opening will want to respond even if the person was not born female. It’s just too much in this context but since you chose to reduce this at first to a vagina haver consider that tjsr may be part of your personal issue.

 

You feel disconnected already in some way from your natural body parts and therefore you don’t feel like you’re sharing your body with someone but just an opening that a man or a woman or some other third gender might have.
mAlso consider that you may be a person who has to feel she is sharing herself her heart and love and not just a vaginal opening. 
good luck !

[Seraphim]

Having been sexually abused so being reduced to a sexual body part this was off putting to me . Because sexual abuse reduces you down to that. One in four women have been sexually abused. So imagine them reading this? So as much as respect was meant it also strikes out at many.  THAT is my point of contention. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, im_a_feared said:

I am currently seeing a therapist who specializes in therapy surrounding sexual trauma, and we've done some of the exercises you've mentioned. 

It's excellent to take care of yourself and your mental health. However you also need to take care of your physical health including appropriate exams. Please see a female gynaecologist. Many of your questions could be answered factually and neutrally. Taking a survey of other people's first sexual encounters won't alleviate your anxiety or provide accurate information on your specific mind and body issues. 

[im_a_feared]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's excellent to take care of yourself and your mental health. However you also need to take care of your physical health including appropriate exams. Please see a female gynaecologist. Many of your questions could be answered factually and neutrally. Taking a survey of other people's first sexual encounters won't alleviate your anxiety or provide accurate information on your specific mind and body issues. 

That's part of my issue. I'm well past the age of needing to have exams done, and I can't because I have severe panic attacks any time I attempt any sort of penetration, even in a non-sexual setting. Even my therapist and my PCP agree that I should NOT try to force myself through a pelvic exam, as that will only make my psychological issues worse. I definitely feel that hearing other people's experiences would help me, because it'll give me some perspective on what first time penetration is like for most people (whether that's in a sexual setting, or just using tampons, or whatever), and can go from there and kind of sort through my mental hang-ups and reassure myself that it's not as bad as I always thought, even if there IS a little bit of pain.

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, im_a_feared said:

I'm well past the age of needing to have exams done,

What age is that?

I am in my late 50s and only in the last two years has my doctor told me I no longer need yearly pelvic exams.

[Seraphim]

My mom is passed the age of pelvic exams . She is 77.

How will you know if you have cancer or any other issue ? 
 

I have had exams since I was 14. Here in Canada you have pelvic exams until you are 74 and same with mammograms. 
 

I am every 3 years after 50 as I have never had an abnormal pap. 

[Andrina]

I know that people with phobias are sometimes gradually introduced to whatever their phobia is, and starting with short time periods before extending to longer time periods. I would buy a vibrating dildo and just put it on your stomach for two seconds and then put it away. Over time, when you can get up to five minutes, then you can begin lowering it a bit on your body. Eventually you can work up to stimulating yourself on the outside of your body, and then lubricating it and bringing it lower before working your way in.

You can buy lavender oil to breath in for relaxation, listen to your favorite music, watch soft porn where women enjoy themselves. You can stream Tubi which has the old series Red Shoe Diaries.

Arousal, natural lubrication and added purchased lubrication, makes penetration pleasurable. 

Any phobia can be overcome with practice and determination. Good luck.

[Batya33]

I'm 57 and post menopausal and need a pelvic exam every 3 years.  Started getting them in my late teens I believe. It's extremely important to have one -perhaps the doctor would agree to numb the area?