Is it my mental health or it’s him ? not sure if I should stay or leave ?

[Em2]

Hello , my BF and I started dating online 3 years ago and I loved n with him 1.5 years ago , like everyone we have ups and downs but things keep getting worst , we argue so often as the relation advances , in the beginning on the this year he quit his job in January  and at the same time we started an online business .

while he was jobless and we were working on building the online business things start to get really bad , we argue often , I started to see things I didn’t like , I was working and paying for the rent and bills since he didn’t work for 5 months and at the same time doing 80% of the work in the business 

during this period I noticed that he wasn’t as persistent at work as he said he is , he don’t finished his tasks , his part of the work becomes problematic , always late , o what’s have to repeat my self100 times for him to Get something done , and the more I nag the less he gets done and the worst the ration gets . 
he found a small job but the business fall part  what made things worst , as I felt he didn’t put a lot of work into it and the was  he was suppose to and that really did a big damage to our finances as we poorer everything we had into the business and I had to work and pay all bills alone the entire time he was jobless .

i lost my job anti a month ago and I been applying everywhere and trying to pick up any odd jobs to cover my pets of the bills but of course this added so much stress to me and the relation 

I suffer from ptsd, depression , anxiety and mood disorders and when we argue things get heated very fast and I have really bad mood swings and i start saying things I regret latter but at the same time I feel like his the one punching me 

we don’t have a good communication , he just don’t talk , when we argue he goes silent and ignores me what makes things very worst .I cried so many times and told him To don’t give me silent treatment because is like torture to me ( due to getting treated the same way in childhood )  but that’s all he does .it’s impossible to have a conversation with him 

on top of that we are froM very different cultural background ( we didn’t grow up in USA both ) and I’m not sure I’d it due to that but we have very different interest he doesn’t like the same music or movies or interest , and that causes problems as I put effort into watching his movies and his music and his internet and I put a real interest in what he like but he doesn’t do the same , if I talked about history or science or astronomy he will tel me I’ma nerd and that a not interesting and it s not “real life “ whatever that suppose to mean , if I talk about wine , Europe , he will say that’s old , he falls asleep through every movie I choose to watch and than he will Say it was boring but I set through his gangster movies just fine and enjoy them .

this is causes me to think that it s going to be hard for me to be with someone that doesn’t share any interest but I keep telling my self that the most important thing is that I love and he loves me and he is a good decent man and there is nothing I need more than that but at the same time it just hard

physically I m attracted to him but honestly I’m taller than him and very much bigger and sometime it triggers my insecurities and I’m not shallow and I love him very much but this also something that bothering me , I always felt insecure about my highly  ( I’m6 ft and he is 5.6 ) and felt Unattractive and not féminin and been with a very short guy makes me feel Worst about but I always though my love for him is more important  than some social Norm but not I’m worried oit problems are bigger than hight 

He doesn’t believe in science  or astrology , he has this small like conspiracy theories that drive some crazy as I’ma nerd and that causes issues and arguments as silly as this may sound. 
this morning I went back to work on the failed business that left me broke and he came in and I was trying to tell him that the  site is giving me some issues and he cut right in the middle  saying “ just tel me the solution just the solution “ and I honestly that made me furious as I feel like he does that to me so often as I’d what I have to say isn’t matter and I just need to give him a solution of not to shut up 

that’s cause a huge argument  and  he told me that I was boring and this is why he doesn’t  listen to what I have to say even that was work, and after telling he told me  .now we aren’t talking to each other because again ignoring me is all he does and sometime we go days without taking to each other and he said he is done this morning .

we haven’t been out on a date since last year December of 2022, he daisy USA because we dint have Money and I’ma very understanding women , we use to go to a park since is for free and a lake and now we don’t so that either , Since I moved from another state (1?5 years ago ) i still I don’t have any friends here , he goes out with his friend here or they ans I don’t mind or say anything or ask him For money or gifts or nothing , but not paying me attention that’s gets to me 

Help me please , I’m33 years old and he is 32 and my previous relation were abusive , my current bf is the closest thing I is to a normal relation or a caring person and I feel like this is my last relation even if it fails ,

 I’m not sure if it’s me that a l exaggerating or he really isn’t acting like an adult should act  ? Or what should I do ? Should I leave after I get a job or should I stick around and try to work it out ? 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Em2 said:

 I was working and paying for the rent and bills since he didn’t work for 5 months and at the same time doing 80% of the work in the business  I suffer from ptsd, depression , anxiety and mood disorders and when we argue things get heated very fast and I have really bad mood swings.  I moved from another state (1?5 years ago ) i still I don’t have any friends here .

Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together? Where did you live before? Do you have any friends and family where you lived before?

Do you have your own money and car? Can you start looking for places to live or move back to your home state?

Unfortunately you already know the solution is to move out and focus on supporting yourself and taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. He is damaging your mental health and finances. Sadly this is just another abusive relationship, just a different form of it.

[Em2]

Thank you for replying wiseman2

Im from East Europe ans he is from South America , I’m An U.S. citizen since I been in the county over 6 years , I use to live in North Carolina but moved with my bf about 1.5 years ago 

I sold my car when we started the business to finance it and for my family I don’t have any family in USA .

i told h before that silent treatment feels like torture to me ask abuse but he tolls his eyes and keeps on giving me silent treatment for each argument and that pretend like nothing happen the next day and start been all nice and affectionate .

what bothers me the most is this morning after the argument he was yelling that he won’t change , when we use to argue at first he use to say he will Improve and change to the better , and his help I try to work my mood and patience but lately  he yells after arguing and tells me he won’t change and i shouldn’t expect a flower and chocolate type of treatment from him , he just won’t do it .

[MissCanuck]

Break up with him.

There is no way this relationship is going to work long-term. You two are totally incompatible and it doesn't even seem as though he likes you. 

[Kwothe28]

You seem like a complete mismatch. I will ignore physical because its just silly(though I do know most women do like taller men and he is shorter), but you have very different interests, very different opinions about the things, and not even the same taste in things. Almost none of the couples are perfect in every way. But you are just complete polar opposites. 

Quote

Is it my mental health or it’s him ? 

I would say its just overall everything. You found somebody online. which is more of a fantasy then a reality. And after you translated it to reality you saw how not great he is. From your personal differences to stuff like work ethics.

There is no fixing this as it doesnt have good basics to stay as a relationship at all. Again, you are a complete mismatch. 

Can you stay in the state where you are now with the job you now have? If you can maybe you can build a solo life there. In time you should have a friends network. And even maybe some better match when it comes to boyfriend. 

[Em2]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I will ignore physical because its just silly

Exactly , when we were still online  and at the beginning the hight thing bothered me , but at the times told my self I can’t be this shallow and loose a good mamans someone that loves and I love for some hight thing 

[Em2]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

But you are just complete polar opposites

That’s starts to get to me the more we go forward , as the beginning he tries I guess to pretend to have internet in what I say but as time pass I noticed when I’m talking  about things I like his head and mind is somewhere else , I can see him distracted or bored . 
we had argument many times about it and the more we advanced I release he just didn’t like anything I talk about , I listen to all his stories and I m happy  to do so ans I ask questions and I try to understand , his I’m the other hand nothing , 

we argued so many times about the important ce of education and science and physics as history ( I’m a bit of need and I enjoy those   topics as discoveries) but for his is all conspiracy theory.

he goes to where he says doctors and scientist are scammers and vaccines ….. all those little baseless conspiracy theories that drives me crazy and me all I want is someone that is excited to talk about the same things I want to talk  about , I think the fact he doesn’t even try is what hurt me .

and lately for each argument he will say he won’t change, he always going to be the same , and once or twice I mentioned coworkers or friends that received flowers and chocolates ,  and he told me  if I expect flowers or gifts than I should find someone else that can do that for me ( I’m not materialistic and he knows that , I never ask him for any money or any gifts and When we were online I paid for everything when I visited him,I cook and clean and so his laundry in the house and pay my own bills  and helped him )  but like any women I want my bf attention , and it hurt me when he says things like that , I feel like I’m not good enough for a rose for $5 for valentine days or just to make  me happy, I tried to explain to him that example Getting a flower Will make me very happy I don’t care of it $1 flower or he cut it down the street for free , but that gesture yet he says NO he won’t change  ( he told me he was diagnosed with ODD growing up ) 

I’m just very depressed and don’t know is it me that’s wrong ? Maybe I’moitting too much importance to this things ? He tells me he loves that more importants than liking the same things as me or whatever l, not after yesterdays arguments he stoped talking to me and give me silent treatment again, we love in the same small little apt and we can’t even talk ,

  yes I could keep my job and stay in this state but is one of the most  expensive cities in USA and is going to take me time to move out alone . But I need to make sure braking up with him I for good is the right decision , he is a good person and kind and decent human ( I need to be honest )  that’s what’s I’m not sure of letting him go , I know he cares about me and I do care do care for him , ans I’m not young  anymore I’m33 years old and I feel like if I break up with him there I may not be able to find someone else, I’m just really lost

 

[Em2]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

it doesn't even seem as though he likes you. 

He says he does like and he says he loves me and wants a future , he tools me multiple times we can get married any time…

but you are right I not sure If he really likes me when he says things like he won’t change or when he keeps giving me silent treatment even when I went back to my childhood and tools him painful things to why I hate silent treatment and it makes me even more mad …

[redswim30]

Break up.   You are incompatible, simple as that.  Do NOT marry this man.  It would turn into a very toxic and abusive marriage. 

You are only in your early 30's, you have plenty of time. 

We accept the love we feel we deserve.  Why do you think that this is the best you can do?

People often mistake FEELINGS for compatibility.  A person can have feelings for tons of people, it doesn't make you compatible as a couple. 

Time to face facts.  He's an abusive person.  He's toxic and not good for you.  BREAK UP. 

[smackie9]

33 years in with my husband and we don't have "ups and downs" Small spats a few times a year about the garbage not being taken out, underwear left on the floor sure. But full on yelling/arguments no. You my dear need to end it. You can say "oh but I love him". That is no reason to stay in this toxic soup you call a relationship. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Em2 said:

he is a good person and kind and decent human ( I need to be honest )

Frankly, I really dont see it from what you wrote here

1 hour ago, Em2 said:

and lately for each argument he will say he won’t change, he always going to be the same , and once or twice I mentioned coworkers or friends that received flowers and chocolates ,  and he told me  if I expect flowers or gifts than I should find someone else that can do that for me

He maybe isnt horrible human being in a way that he is not smacking you around. But that is a really low bar when it comes to relationship. Somebody who on your plea to maybe buy you chocolate or flowers says "find somebody else to do that" isnt really a good person and especially is not a kind one. 

Its such a low bar in general. You are dating somebody who you have nothing in common, doesnt contribute to relationship nore even tries, isnt kind to you, nore even works for that matter. You wasted 3 years in your early 30s on somebody who really isnt a good fit for you. I would say its not even worth of your time in general. I dont advocate for "you can do bettter" because its arbitrary. But you literally can get out on the streets of your city, find some random single man and he would probably be kilometers better for you then this man. Because your bar for what you settled here is that low.

[Cherylyn]

Both of you are incompatible.  There is no reason to remain together.  ☹️

[catfeeder]

Some people are best loved from far away. I’d get myself to family wherever they are, and I would not look back.

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Em2 said:

Im from East Europe ans he is from South America , I’m An U.S. citizen since I been in the county over 6 years , I use to live in North Carolina but moved with my bf about 1.5 years ago. I sold my car when we started the business to finance it 

Please take care of yourself and your finances. There's no need to settle for someone lazy who squanders your money.  If where you currently live is too expensive, please save up to move back to where you were. Stop supporting this man. He's somewhat abusive and you can find happiness somewhere else in the future. . He's going to put you in the poor house with his nonsense.

[1a1a]

I would break up for the silent treatment alone. It is the most ***ty, immature, cruel way to express your displeasure. 
 

And I had a partner once who did that. For 10 days once, after a fight, he left without saying good bye and went radio silent for 10 days! We didn’t last much longer after that. The love was there but there was too much damage done. (Not just from the radio silence but that definitely contributed to destabilisation). 

[LootieTootie]

Wow I am so sorry that you are putting up with this treatment. You need to break up with him but its probably best to start planning how to move back home or move out.

[Em2]

2 hours ago, 1a1a said:

And I had a partner once who did that. For 10 days once, after a fight, he left without saying good bye and went radio silent for 10 days

After the fight that started yesterday just because I was trying to tell that I’m have some issues with out website that I was working on to improve and I’m not a programmer but he freaked out and cut me and told me to just give him solutions and no need to tell him anything else he doesn’t want to hear it and made me feel awful as if I m working   for him , he hates communications id we argue he does silent and ignore me and he did the same after the argument and today he left the house in the morning without saying a word and didn’t come back yet it’s almost 10 pm where I am in the East coast . It drives me crazy to love with someone and not been able to talk while we have so much we can communicate about , relation and also our business that failed  and I’m home all day today instead of  communicating on how to fix that he is out choking with his friends and cousins all day long .

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Em2 said:

Is it my mental health or it’s him ? not sure if I should stay or leave ?

It's definitely him. Yes, you should definitely leave. He'll destroy your mental health in addition to your finances. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/19/2023 at 3:22 PM, Em2 said:

Help me please , I’m33 years old and he is 32 and my previous relation were abusive, my current bf is the closest thing to a normal relation or a caring person and I feel like this is my last relation even if it fails.

I hate to break this to you, but he is FAR from "normal" or "caring."  Like really far. 

He is also abusive just like your previous relationship.  The silent treatment is particularly abusive in fact, you call it torture, THAT is mental abuse, along with other unacceptable treatment.

Please seek treatment for your mental health, it almost seems like you've been brainwashed and not seeing clearly. 

Because again, what I read was so troubling, his behavior so deplorable and for you to consider this normal and caring, well again please seek professional help. 

Good luck moving forward, ideally away from him. 

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, Em2 said:

He says he does like and he says he loves me and wants a future , he tools me multiple times we can get married any time…

Who cares what he says?

His actions and behaviour toward you prove otherwise. He doesn't care about you. You would be very foolish to marry this man. 

Please break up with him. He's awful.

[1a1a]

If nothing changes how long will you stay? A month? 6 months? A year? 5 years? A life time? 
 

Being alone sounds better than having this little support. 
 

If a conversation when you’re both calm about how seriously you need to tackle the problem of conflict resolution and fighting kindly (or knowing when to take time out) is refused by him, or unproductive. Or you come up with some ideas of things to try and he doesn’t earnestly try them, I think ditch this guy. 

[Em2]

7 hours ago, 1a1a said:

 

If nothing changes how long will you stay? A month? 6 months? A year? 5 years? A life time? 
 

 

For things to change we have to communicate and put a lot of work and effort into the relation but he doesn’t believe that relations need work , in his opinion a good relation is an easy relation that doesn’t require any effort .

Communication well we don’t really communicate, he thinks little talk of everyday is good enough communications, at first when we argue we set and talked it out but even than it feels like I’m the  only One talking , he at first will respond a bit and try to focus but that keeps getting worst and worst to where a conversation is just a monologue I do and he sets there starting at something else waiting for me to finish, and than he will say are you done ! 
Lately nothing at all , after argument , he goes silent leave me to do a long monologue and just ignore me completely and than it depend few hours later or a day or few days he will come back to me and be all nice like nothing happen , and say we just need to improve , only this sentence ans leave it at three and say he loves me ……

but never actually address and communicate the actually problem that caused that argument.

 I’m not sure why is he like that ?   

[1a1a]

Then you have your answer, cut this one loose, it’ll be worth the cost of divorce to not try and build a life with someone silly enough to believe no communication is required 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Em2 said:

I'm not sure why is he like that ?   

Instead of wasting time and energy wondering about HIM, focus on YOU and why YOU choose to remain with a man as mentally and emotionally cruel and abusive as he is.

That would be time and energy much better spent. 

In your current mindset, I'm actually afraid for you.  Per my previous post, again please seek professional help to help you sort through your emotions and bring you to a much better and healthier place. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Em2 said:

 he doesn’t believe that relations need work , 

He doesn't believe in work. Period.

Because you're supporting him, mothering him pampering him, putting up with his abuse so he doesn't have to communicate or make changes.

If you want change, save your money for your own future and find a way to move out and unload this man.