Is he pulling away?

[Stillsingle3]

Met a guy online about 6 weeks ago, had 5 dates and all seemed to be going well. 
 

last spent time with him last week on the Thursday and got the ‘had another great time text’ all seemed fine the day after as well. 
 

Then come Saturday the vibe felt off, I can’t put my finger on it though. I suppose because I was only seeing him once a week the texting was quite often and a fair bit of stuff to talk about. Now it’s died down, big gaps in between replies. The style has changed too. 
 

I suppose what I want to know is, am I looking into this too much? Should I say something about it feeling off? Is this like a slow ghost? 
 

im new to this so I don’t know how to handle the situation. 
 

the only thing I can think of is he had a family meal and they have maybe said something? I’ve not met them or anything like that but things were fine before. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

. I suppose because I was only seeing him once a week the texting was quite often and a fair bit of stuff to talk about. 

Is this a distance situation? How much do you know about him? Have you visited each other's homes? Is there a reason there's only been 5 dates? Are you exclusive or is this casual dating?  Is this the same man?: 

 

[Stillsingle3]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this a distance situation? How much do you know about him? Have you visited each other's homes? Is there a reason there's only been 5 dates? Are you exclusive or is this casual dating?  Is this the same man?: 

 

No this is not the same man as my previous thread. 
 

I wouldn’t say there’s a great distance, a 30 minute drive max. 
 

Only 5 dates because he has his children full time so I see him when he has childcare or the kids are visiting their mum. 
 

I know about his past relationship, when it ended, why it ended. I know about his children, only the basics about them, names, ages ect. 
Work, friends, things like that and other stuff about his life ect  

ive been to his but he’s not been to mine. 

well I don’t know if we are exclusive or not, he said he wasn’t talking to or seeing anyone else and I said the same. 
 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

48 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

big gaps in between replies.

How long are these big gaps? 

48 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

The style has changed too

In which way? 

[Sindy_0311]

Hi… sorry you are confused. But at this stage I wouldn’t say anything… just let him be and if he wants to see you again et will reach out to you. If not, let it fizzle out. 
Just curious, why his past relationships ended, did he tell you why? 
also have to mention that the fact he isn’t seeing someone else now doesn't mean he wants to be exclusive with you… 

[Stillsingle3]

13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How long are these big gaps?

In which way? 

Ok so maybe big gaps is over exaggerated, but it was within minutes now it’s a few hours so I know that’s not an issue but my brain says it is. 
 

well I’d get voice notes and occasionally little videos, he’d go out for the day and I’d get photos and little videos of what him and the kids were up too (never asked for that) 

 

but then if he messages me, I’ll respond with whatever we were talking about then I’ll end it with ‘I hope you have a nice day’ giving the option to end the conversation till later but he responds within an hour or two so it continues  so I don’t get it. 
 

maybe it’s me, maybe I’m the problem I’m so out of practice. 

[Stillsingle3]

17 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hi… sorry you are confused. But at this stage I wouldn’t say anything… just let him be and if he wants to see you again et will reach out to you. If not, let it fizzle out. 
Just curious, why his past relationships ended, did he tell you why? 
also have to mention that the fact he isn’t seeing someone else now doesn't mean he wants to be exclusive with you… 

Yes he did tell me why, in great detail. It was a marriage that ended and she’s now re married. 
It’s been a year since they split up and the divorce came through a couple of months ago. 
oh I know, it’s something I keep in mind about being exclusive but I think 5 dates is too soon to know. 

[Kwothe28]

Its not uncommon that they either "slow fade" or just ghost after a couple of weeks. You have been on 5 dates, he maybe didnt even wanted relationship but just sex(dunno if you came there but you did have 5 dates), so now he maybe just wants to slowly go away. Sadly, its not uncommon especially if you met online on dating apps.

Are you still a side chick to some married guy? Or is that affair done?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Stillsingle3 said:

 he has his children full time so I see him when he has childcare or the kids are visiting their mum. 

This may have a lot to do with it.  He's adjusting to single parenthood and his divorce,so for him this is casual and a comforting rebound situation.  It really has nothing to do with reply times. He may also be playing the field.

[Stillsingle3]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This may have a lot to do with it.  He's adjusting to single parenthood and his divorce,so for him this is casual and a comforting rebound situation.  It really has nothing to do with reply times. He may also be playing the field.

Yeah I suppose that could be true, it’s only been a year.
 so what should I do? See what happens or just walk away now? 
I don’t know if he has anything personal going on in his life that’s causing him stress, I know he’s struggled to sleep the last few nights. 

[Sindy_0311]

You don’t have to walk away from anything, just give him space. It’s not your job to figure out what’s going on in his life. If he texts you or apologizes for being busy, just say that if he wants to talk to you about anything, you are here. But don’t ask him what’s going on. 

Since you sense he is pulling away, don’t invest more. Just reply politely and kindly to his texts. And if he wants to see you again, he will ask you. For now just step back a bit and wait… this is my advice. Not easy to do, but the best way to handle someone becoming distant. IMO 

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, Stillsingle3 said:

Met a guy online about 6 weeks ago, had 5 dates and all seemed to be going well. 
 

last spent time with him last week on the Thursday and got the ‘had another great time text’ all seemed fine the day after as well. 
 

Then come Saturday the vibe felt off, I can’t put my finger on it though. I suppose because I was only seeing him once a week the texting was quite often and a fair bit of stuff to talk about. Now it’s died down, big gaps in between replies. The style has changed too. 
 

I suppose what I want to know is, am I looking into this too much? Should I say something about it feeling off? Is this like a slow ghost? 
 

im new to this so I don’t know how to handle the situation. 
 

the only thing I can think of is he had a family meal and they have maybe said something? I’ve not met them or anything like that but things were fine before. 

It's date 5, so maybe he is realizing that the chemistry is not there.

It happens.

And yes, nothing wrong with asking if things have changed.

[SherrySher]

I honestly see nothing wrong with asking.

I am all for open communication, for not being afraid to talk to your partner, or potential partner, and for expressing your concern.

The biggest problem in relationship. (imho), is lack of communication and assumptions.

The more a couple talks, the closer they become and the more they know if they are on the same page, or not.

He's also meant to be your friend, despite dating. It should be okay to ask if something is off.

Don't be afraid to talk to him. ❤️

[Jaunty]

Can you keep this casual?  Dating a man one time per week is fine, but it's not exactly going in a direction at this time.  Plus, 6 weeks ago you were still in a relationship where you felt like you were "partners" with a married man which had been going on for over 2 years.  Are you ready to be in another serious relationship at this time?  There has not been any time to heal from the last one, has there?

My suggestion is to just enjoy the dates when they happen.

Also, accept the reality that filling up week long spaces between dates with chatty texting is not sustainable.  It never is.  You haven't had enough time together to build something that's going to be maintained by long text conversations which are carried on over the course of a week.  They will always end up fizzling.

[boltnrun]

Are you feeling like you need this man to fill the gap left by your former (very recent) affair? The "gaps" might bother you because you don't have the distraction like you did the past few weeks. 

[smackie9]

IMO this is as good as it gets. If your expectations are more than what he can provide, then this situation isn't for you. As they say, children and the ex comes first. That's their priority. Dating a married guy, to a single father...you are not getting much out of what you expect in a relationship. You will always struggle emotionally. Find yourself a nice single guy that has time for you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm all for communicating when in a relationship but remember you're still in the "observation" stage and dating. Evaluating whether you're the right fit for each other long term.  Unless you only want to keep this casual.

Either way, you should still be observing his actions and responding accordingly.  He should be doing same.

Here, I'm not quite sure what there is to ask.  "Why do you not text me within minutes anymore"?   

With more experience, you'll come to realize that is not sustainable. It will result in burn out and boredom. 

It's possible that nothing is wrong or off, he's simply beginning to settle in and interact with you at a pace that's more sustainable and comfortable for him.

The best advice I ever received was try and remain open and flexible to the changing nuances which are normal, especially during these precarious early stages. 

In my dating experiences and relationships, we'd go through phases where we texted often throughout day, saw each other 2-3:times a week or more, had sex 2-3+ times a day, to times where, depending on what we had going on in our lives away from each other, we'd only text once a day, see each other once a week and have sex much less frequently as well.

Best to not freak out (overthink it), trust in your connection and how well you get on together and remain flexible to the subtle inconsistencies which are inevitable imo and go from there. 

On the other hand, if you sense something is really off, he's become cold and indifferent, dismissive and ignoring you, at this extremely early stage, wish him well and walk away.  

JMO :) 

 

[Stillsingle3]

On 9/18/2023 at 2:26 PM, SherrySher said:

It's date 5, so maybe he is realizing that the chemistry is not there.

It happens.

And yes, nothing wrong with asking if things have changed.

This was spot on. 

his words ‘we are not sexually compatible’ 

 

[Sindy_0311]

31 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

This was spot on. 

his words ‘we are not sexually compatible’ 

 

Did you ask him what was going on? 

How many times did you have sex together? 

[SherrySher]

5 hours ago, Stillsingle3 said:

This was spot on. 

his words ‘we are not sexually compatible’ 

 

It's better to know so you can move on, you know?

Probably wasn't the answer you were hoping for, but at least you know now.

Hope you're doing okay. I know it must still be disappointing. ❤️

[SooSad33]

Yeah, is time enough to see IF they feel okay in this.. guess he didn't 😕 .

But take things slowly in the beginning.  Never push them too fast.  5 dates in 6 weeks, plus constant texting - when he's maybe a year out of a divorce & kids?

he probably does still feel a little overwhelmed and just can't do this - or as you mentioned it didn't feel right for him.

It's okay, it happens.... all the time.  😉 

Accept as is, respectfully back off now and move on.

[Stillsingle3]

On 9/20/2023 at 2:08 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

Did you ask him what was going on? 

How many times did you have sex together? 

I did, I wanted to know. 
 

3 times, I did get out of him why he didn’t feel we were compatible. It’s fair enough I guess. 
 

before we slept together for the first time I had said that I do not preform oral on someone that I am not in a relationship with (he’d mentioned it was a red flag if a woman wouldn’t) I said it’s something I do, do but not with just anyone. He asked me on the 3rd time and I said no, for the reason above.

the other thing was he likes a bald down below, it’s not my thing, trimmed and some removed is what I like, I refused to remove all of it.

so those were the two reasons we were not compatible. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Stillsingle3 said:

 I had said that I do not preform oral on someone that I am not in a relationship with. He asked me on the 3rd time and I said no.

Sorry this happened. It seems like you dodged a bullet if he dumped you because he didn't get fellatio on the third date.

It's unclear why this discussion about who gets what and when even took place unless the purpose of the situation was hooking up and who's into what sexually.

It sounds like he was going over the menu options for a brothel, not looking for a relationship.

[Stillsingle3]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems like you dodged a bullet if he dumped you because he didn't get fellatio on the third date.

It's unclear why this discussion about who gets what and when even took place unless the purpose of the situation was hooking up and who's into what sexually.

It sounds like he was going over the menu options for a brothel, not looking for a relationship.

He made out he was looking for a relationship, but yes I think I dodged a bullet, I think the 6th date when I refused he was maybe testing my boundaries 🤷‍♀️ he obviously didn’t like being told no. I learnt a lot I think so I’m better prepared for the next time. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Stillsingle3 said:

I did, I wanted to know. 
 

3 times, I did get out of him why he didn’t feel we were compatible. It’s fair enough I guess. 
 

before we slept together for the first time I had said that I do not preform oral on someone that I am not in a relationship with (he’d mentioned it was a red flag if a woman wouldn’t) I said it’s something I do, do but not with just anyone. He asked me on the 3rd time and I said no, for the reason above.

the other thing was he likes a bald down below, it’s not my thing, trimmed and some removed is what I like, I refused to remove all of it.

so those were the two reasons we were not compatible. 

 

 

Oh god… this as nothing to do with sexual incompatibility. I’m so glad you sticked to your boundaries! 
agree with @Wiseman2 you dodged a bullet… good riddance!