Sent a silly message to my wife while she's away. Thoughts please

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Northernman said:

words have left my mouth..

Nope.  Words do not just fly out of your mouth by themselves.  You are choosing to hurt this woman you say you love.

Do you want her to leave you for some reason?

[Lambert]

27 minutes ago, Northernman said:

Been together 20 years married for 8. 3 kids.

She hasn't had a holiday abroad since we have been together as I dont fly. However her mam was going away and offered her to go so she did.

Marriage is good.. dont get me wrong we have our arguments but always work them out. 

She is super busy with work, never goes out drinking etc.

I dont know what to think to be fair.

I am not sure I really understand your situation then.  Something is not right with this.  You don't know what to think?  

I think I would be pissed that she told me not to text her back.  I mean why to shoot a person down and end the communication.  But if you pissed her off and she just snapped back and didn't mean it, maybe you could just laugh it off.  And text her anyway.  LOL.  Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.  Give her the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe a little-- love you, hope you're having fun. I am making sure you come home to a clean house 🙂

It's actually a little ridiculous.  This is your wife.  

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Northernman said:

Can insecurity actually be dealt with? My wife wishes I woukd just think before I speak.. rather than regret it later

This is about possessive controlling behavior.  If you were "insecure", you wouldn't abuse her and risk her leaving. Yes you can get help. 

[Northernman]

Just now, boltnrun said:

First of all, apologize to her for your accusatory (NOT "saucy") text.  Tell her you know you were out of line.  Tell her you hope she enjoys the rest of her vacation.

Then work on stopping yourself from accusing this woman you say you love of terrible things.  See a therapist if you refuse to stop saying mean things to her so you can be taught how to control the things you say.

Thanks. I will look at seeing a therapist. I dont want to live with trust issues, anxiety or over thinking any more.

 

This holiday of hers has also showed me how busy a person she is with everyday life running the house kids etc..

[Kwothe28]

Your response is not really funny. You didnt even said "Hey, met some locals there and decided to stay there?" or something like that. Which would at least have some funny and teasing undertone. But went straight to "Shag some locals arent we Governer?" which is straight up accusing her of having sex with them. I dont like her response either but yes, she was mad at you after what you wrote so maybe that is why. You both clearly have a problem with communication. 

4 minutes ago, Northernman said:

Can insecurity actually be dealt with? I would have thought it's ingrained..

 

Yes, with therapy. 

Its not that rare for a spouse to go on a holiday alone. I have friend and his wife has also gone with her mom for a few days with no problem as he was busy so he couldnt go with her. Is there any particular reason you didnt go with her? I meant didnt organize so you two could go alone on it so she has gone with her mom?

[boltnrun]

Just now, Kwothe28 said:

I dont like her response either but yes, she was mad at you after what you wrote so maybe that is why. You both clearly have a problem with communication. 

He admitted he regularly accuses her of cheating.  I too would be at the end of my tether and probably wouldn't respond cheerfully.

[Jibralta]

52 minutes ago, Northernman said:

I was only sarcy joking with her.. I thought her reply coukd have been over reacting meaning there may have been some truth in what I said.

It wasn't really a joke, though. I know this because 1) you instantly scrutinized her reply for signs of deception, and 2) you don't comprehend that the 'joke' was derogatory towards her as a person--at least not to the degree that it would stop you from saying such a thing. 

There was truth in what you said, and that is that deep down, you really think your wife might be sleeping with the townies. 

[Northernman]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Nope.  Words do not just fly out of your mouth by themselves.  You are choosing to hurt this woman you say you love.

Do you want her to leave you for some reason?

No not Al all. I love her loads. I'm an idiot mate..

Talking to you guys here and seeing your replies have shown me even more that I need to address my faults

[Northernman]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your response is not really funny. You didnt even said "Hey, met some locals there and decided to stay there?" or something like that. Which would at least have some funny and teasing undertone. But went straight to "Shag some locals arent we Governer?" which is straight up accusing her of having sex with them. I dont like her response either but yes, she was mad at you after what you wrote so maybe that is why. You both clearly have a problem with communication. 

Yes, with therapy. 

Its not that rare for a spouse to go on a holiday alone. I have friend and his wife has also gone with her mom for a few days with no problem as he was busy so he couldnt go with her. Is there any particular reason you didnt go with her? I meant didnt organize so you two could go alone on it so she has gone with her mom?

I dont fly. She has tried to get me to go away loads over the years.

[Northernman]

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It wasn't really a joke, though. I know this because 1) you instantly scrutinized her reply for signs of deception, and 2) you don't comprehend that the 'joke' was derogatory towards her as a person--at least not to the degree that it would stop you from saying such a thing. 

There was truth in what you said, and that is that deep down, you really think your wife might be sleeping with the townies. 

Thanks for the reply.. spot on to be honest.

[Northernman]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is about possessive controlling behavior.  If you were "insecure", you wouldn't abuse her and risk her leaving. Yes you can get help. 

Blimey is that how it comes across as possessive and controlling..

Its not nice seeing people say them things but it's worse thinking I'm doing that to the womzn I love and have built a family with.

[Northernman]

After reading everyone's response which I really appreciate, my plan of action is seek some professional help. 

Be loving and positive when she gets home.. make a huge effort to think before i speak and try and put this mess right.

What worries me hugely is..

What if she does cheat.. ive let my self be vulnerable, I've let my guard down.. I know no one can stop that from happening but yeah..

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Northernman said:

What if she does cheat.. ive let my self be vulnerable, I've let my guard down.. I know no one can stop that from happening but yeah..

If you think she's a deceitful, lying, immoral cheater why did you marry her?

[Kwothe28]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He admitted he regularly accuses her of cheating.  I too would be at the end of my tether and probably wouldn't respond cheerfully.

Yeah but "How dare you, I wont talk to you until I get back!" is a little over the top answer. It doesnt bring conversation to the right level and just furthers the divide. For example he can really think there is something there. Granted, its his problem that he is jealous. But as they are married, she should know how to deal with it without putting a gasoline on fire. 

20 minutes ago, Northernman said:

I dont fly. She has tried to get me to go away loads over the years.

Sounds as something that you should also work on. 

10 minutes ago, Northernman said:

What if she does cheat.. ive let my self be vulnerable, I've let my guard down.. I know no one can stop that from happening but yeah..

Aside of your insecurities, do you have an actual indications that she is cheating? For 20 years together she could have done it loads of times already. Just because you are not physically there doesnt mean she will cheat. Its a silly concept but if she wants to cheat she will do it in your own town and even in your own home. She doesnt need a vacation to do it. Again, if there are no indications for that in 20 years, I think you just need to work on that.

You said she is "out of your league" but she is still married to you for 20 years. So I think its just your issues about yourself and your image. But that also is something that you should work with therapist.

[Northernman]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you think she's a deceitful, lying, immoral cheater why did you marry 

I'm finding it hard to answer this.. 

I mean I married her because I love her and we have built a fantastic life.

So I'm contradicting my self by saying what if she does.

[Northernman]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah but "How dare you, I wont talk to you until I get back!" is a little over the top answer. It doesnt bring conversation to the right level and just furthers the divide. For example he can really think there is something there. Granted, its his problem that he is jealous. But as they are married, she should know how to deal with it without putting a gasoline on fire. 

Sounds as something that you should also work on. 

Aside of your insecurities, do you have an actual indications that she is cheating? For 20 years together she could have done it loads of times already. Just because you are not physically there doesnt mean she will cheat. Its a silly concept but if she wants to cheat she will do it in your own town and even in your own home. She doesnt need a vacation to do it. Again, if there are no indications for that in 20 years, I think you just need to work on that.

You said she is "out of your league" but she is still married to you for 20 years. So I think its just your issues about yourself and your image. But that also is something that you should work with therapist.

Thank you.

Lots of great advice there.

 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Northernman said:

I'm finding it hard to answer this.. 

I mean I married her because I love her and we have built a fantastic life.

So I'm contradicting my self by saying what if she does.

I see two options: divorce her because you believe she is a deceitful, lying cheater capable of the worse kind of betrayal, or work on your own insecurities and projections so you can stop accusing this woman you say you love of being a terrible person.

[Northernman]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I see two options: divorce her because you believe she is a deceitful, lying cheater capable of the worse kind of betrayal, or work on your own insecurities and projections so you can stop accusing this woman you say you love of being a terrible person.

Perfect. Thank you.

She has just replied to an earlier message just this second. Talking all normal etc. 

I will change. 

She deserves it but so do I! I want to be normal

[MissCanuck]

What if she cheats?

The question you should actually worrry about it is: What if she gets sick of the baseless accusations and questioning her character, and leaves me? 

Her response to your non-joke tells me the latter is a much more likely possibility than the former. 

[Northernman]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What if she cheats?

The question you should actually worrry about it is: What if she gets sick of the baseless accusations and questioning her character, and leaves me? 

Her response to your non-joke tells me the latter is a much more likely possibility than the former. 

Thanks for your input 

[lostandhurt]

I see you justifying yourself and your words and actions towards her.

She responded the way she did because she is undoubtedly sick of your insecurities and thought a holiday away from you would give her some relief from it but it (you) followed her there with your text.

 Could you imagine dealing with this on the receiving end all these years? It has to be ponderous to deal with this all this time.

You are projecting onto her when she just wanted to get away and enjoy some time with family.

 When she returns I hope you apologize profusely and then find some way of dealing with your insecurities instead of dumping them on your wife.  Therapy or books or whatever but do something.

Lost

[Seraphim]

She didn’t make herself vulnerable when she married you ?? She had your babies. Her body housed and grew your babies. That is VERY vulnerable . Also what if you cheat on her ? 

[MissCanuck]

51 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

she is undoubtedly sick of your insecurities 

And also this:

3 hours ago, Northernman said:

I lost my *** because the resort where she's staying its recommended not to leave the resort.. I was calling her an idiot for doing it

Irrationally insecure and verbally abusive on top of that. 

Her response to your insulting text was a lot milder than what I would have said to you by this point, OP. You are going to lose this woman if you don't start behaving like a man who actually loves and respects his wife. 

I am going to guess it's not the first time you have called her names and belittled her like that, either. You omitted that part in your original post and glossed right over it here too, which tells me you are a tad too comfortable speaking to her like like this. 

What the heck, man? Who taught you to behave this way? 

[Northernman]

15 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And also this:

Irrationally insecure and verbally abusive on top of that. 

Her response to your insulting text was a lot milder than what I would have said to you by this point, OP. You are going to lose this woman if you don't start behaving like a man who actually loves and respects his wife. 

I am going to guess it's not the first time you have called her names and belittled her like that, either. You omitted that part in your original post and glossed right over it here too, which tells me you are a tad too comfortable speaking to her like like this. 

What the heck, man? Who taught you to behave this way? 

I didnt gloss right over it on purpose just forgot to mention it. 

I'm awful.. honestly awful! That I realise. She certainly doesn't deserve it.

And yes she is sick. She has told me countless times.

Like I say I'm awful.

[Northernman]

57 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

She didn’t make herself vulnerable when she married you ?? She had your babies. Her body housed and grew your babies. That is VERY vulnerable . Also what if you cheat on her ? 

Very true.