Long-distance guy - update

[NighttimeNightmare]

What’s going on with your issues surrounding being on the phone, and even listening to a voicemail 

do you want to talk about and explore this?

 

(all in all I think your update is a nice example of how things can unfold naturally between two people, in time. A nice reminder not to assign “not interested” to things when they don’t unfold as we think they should or as quickly as we would like) 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I finally found the courage to listen 

What did you fear he was going to say? 

[kim42]

45 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

What’s going on with your issues surrounding being on the phone, and even listening to a voicemail 

do you want to talk about and explore this?

 

(all in all I think your update is a nice example of how things can unfold naturally between two people, in time. A nice reminder not to assign “not interested” to things when they don’t unfold as we think they should or as quickly as we would like) 

I don't like phone calls because I'm insecure about my voice. I have quite a strong voice for a woman and I don't feel comfortable being on the phone or leaving voice messages. 

I think most men like a soft feminine voice which I clearly don't have so I just avoid phone calls. At work we have many calls and video meetings, and once a coworker (she's my friend) knew I was at the office because she heard me speaking, and she wasn't even sitting close to me.

I know it sounds silly when I describe it like this but I am self-conscious about my voice. I know it's probably just in my head but I can't see myself sending a voice message to someone I like.

[kim42]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

What did you fear he was going to say? 

I thought it was something serious, like he had accident or something, since it was the first time he did it. It turns out he wanted to share some things with me, and he also asked me questions.

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I thought it was something serious, like he had accident or something, since it was the first time he did it. It turns out he wanted to share some things with me, and he also asked me questions.

Have you ever considered a couple of voice lessons ? Or tried to modulate your voice/modify the speed in which you talk etc? 
I’m glad the message was ok. 

[kim42]

So I might be overthinking this but here we go.

 

I replied to his voice message (in several messages), and I explained how I feel about my voice and said I'll probably stick to text messages for now. 

 

He replied again with a voice message, and among other things, he explained that he finds it more natural and easier.

 

I'm not sure how to feel about this, it seems he doesn't want to text anymore, but rather use these voice messages. It's nice to hear his voice but I can't help but feel it's maybe a little lazy from him. I mean, I typed out my replies and he just sent me a voice message (it was a long one again though).

 

I don't know, I'm used to this text dynamic with him and because I don't like sending voice messages, I'm not sure how we'll communicate now.

 

What do you guys think? Is it laziness that he switched to voice messages? 

[boltnrun]

I much prefer speaking to typing.

I mean, he's heard your voice before.  He has to have. You two have spent time together. Do you really think if he hates your voice so much he would continue to communicate with you? Can you see he actually likes to talk to you?

It's not laziness, if you're being honest. It's because you have a hangup about your voice. Again, he's already shown clearly it doesn't bother him. 

Can you find a way to get past this hangup and just talk to him?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 Is it laziness that he switched to voice messages? 

Not lazy at all. He just seems to prefer it even though it's not your preference. You could just listen to the voice notes and reply via text, no? 

[kim42]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not lazy at all. He just seems to prefer it even though it's not your preference. You could just listen to the voice notes and reply via text, no? 

Sure, I can reply by text to his voice notes, I just wonder that maybe he expects me to do the same and send him a voice message too at some point? 

[Sindy_0311]

36 minutes ago, kim42 said:

What do you guys think? Is it laziness that he switched to voice messages? 

I do think it could be laziness. Men often don’t like typing all these damn words. I would have been more enthusiastic if he had called you instead… 

[kim42]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I much prefer speaking to typing.

I mean, he's heard your voice before.  He has to have. You two have spent time together. Do you really think if he hates your voice so much he would continue to communicate with you? Can you see he actually likes to talk to you?

It's not laziness, if you're being honest. It's because you have a hangup about your voice. Again, he's already shown clearly it doesn't bother him. 

Can you find a way to get past this hangup and just talk to him?

I know he's heard my voice, I just cringe at the thought of sending him a voice message.

I realize it kind of makes sense to move from text messages to something else after messaging for such a long time.

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I do think it could be laziness. Men often don’t like typing all these damn words. I would have been more enthusiastic if he had called you instead… 

We never spoke on the phone, it was just texting, until today.

In his second voice message, he said that while he thinks it's easier to to do a voice message, it is a little weird that he talks like this to his phone without having a reply.

So maybe he'd like to do a phone call one day.

[rainbowsandroses]

What's interesting about this is that it's been stated on this forum and others that texting is lazy!  

I mentioned earlier I always preferred texting but my boyfriend prefers calling and I gotta say, I now like it much better than texting.  

@kim42does your voice sound different over the phone or in a voice message than it does in person?  

Do you fear having him hear your voice when you've gotten together in person? 

I'm trying to understand your fear and thinking it may go deeper than you simply not liking the sound of your voice?

Do you have a fear closeness and prefer more impersonal interactions such as texting can be?  Which perhaps is why this long distance situation works for you?

Not accusing, just asking. 

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

We never spoke on the phone, it was just texting, until today.

In his second voice message, he said that while he thinks it's easier to to do a voice message, it is a little weird that he talks like this to his phone without having a reply.

So maybe he'd like to do a phone call one day.

I don't think it's lazy -it shows he wants you to hear his voice -it's more personal! I think you should make a strong effort to schedule a phone call. He's heard you speak many times -I get phone can be different but yes I'd talk on the phone.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

We never spoke on the phone, it was just texting, until today. So maybe he'd like to do a phone call one day.

You've seen each other in person, so he knows your voice. Maybe you're self conscious but he might think you have a sexy voice?🤷  It's a little easier to text, yes but maybe open up to the possibilities?  Change is difficult but see how it goes. Maybe he's more of a handsfree type. Or his thumbs are sore? 

[Sindy_0311]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

it shows he wants you to hear his voice -

These are just assumptions. Unless he says “I want to hear your voice” this shift isn’t something to read into… 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

These are just assumptions. Unless he says “I want to hear you voice” this shift isn’t something to read into… 

I also wouldn’t assume he’s lazy. My opinion is wanting to talk to someone is more personal than typing. 

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I also wouldn’t assume he’s lazy. My opinion is wanting to talk to someone is more personal than typing. 

I do send voice messages when I’m in a hurry and don’t have the time to type long texts, I send them when I’m in my car most of the time, when I have some time to reply… when a guy asks me to send a voice message so that he can hear my voice, or when he calls me, it’s more meaningful to me. Also I do enjoy it when guys take the time to write long texts with paragraphs… I’m not a voice message fan.. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

I do send voice messages when I’m in a hurry and don’t have the time to type long texts, I send them when I’m in my car most of the time, when I have some time to reply… when a guy asks me to send a voice message so that he can hear my voice, or when he calls me, it’s more meaningful to me. Also I do enjoy it when guys take the time to write long texts with paragraphs… I’m not a voice message fan.. 

Given what's happened on previous threads -thank you for sharing - and I think what's most helpful to the OP -JMO -is to suggest she suggests a phone call with him and take baby steps in getting over her voice-related fears.

[kim42]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've seen each other in person, so he knows your voice. Maybe you're self conscious but he might think you have a sexy voice?🤷  It's a little easier to text, yes but maybe open up to the possibilities?  Change is difficult but see how it goes. Maybe he's more of a handsfree type. Or his thumbs are sore? 

I'll give it a few days and maybe then suggest a phone call.

It makes sense he could want a more personal kind of communication after all this time.

[NighttimeNightmare]

46 minutes ago, kim42 said:

realize it kind of makes sense to move from text messages to something else after messaging for such a long time

Yes, it’s weird to just continue to spend your time texting and texting and texting with no end in sight. At that point it’s basically just like having a pen pal. People are going to naturally want more, and hearing one another’s voice is more personal.
 

I second  what @rainbowsandroses asked: could this also be some sort of fear of intimacy? No judgement, I naturally feel more connected when I keep people at an arms length and when things become a little too intimate I feel like I need space. I wonder if one of your attractions to this situation is that he is at an arms length and up until now you’ve been able to comfortably hide behind a text message.  

[kim42]

45 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What's interesting about this is that it's been stated on this forum and others that texting is lazy!  

I mentioned earlier I always preferred texting but my boyfriend prefers calling and I gotta say, I now like it much better than texting.  

@kim42does your voice sound different over the phone or in a voice message than it does in person?  

Do you fear having him hear your voice when you've gotten together in person? 

I'm trying to understand your fear and thinking it may go deeper than you simply not liking the sound of your voice?

Do you have a fear closeness and prefer more impersonal interactions such as texting can be?  Which perhaps is why this long distance situation works for you?

Not accusing, just asking. 

 

Yes, I believe my voice sounds different on the phone.

No, I never thought about him not liking my voice in person - we knew each other professionally first so I saw him only as a colleague from my field, I didn't see him in a romantic way for a long time.

I'm not a fan of phone calls in general. There are maybe 5 people I feel comfortable being on the phone with - mostly family members a 2 close friends.

So I believe I need a close relationship with someone to actually enjoy talking to them on the phone.

I don't think I have a fear of closeness, and I'd be happy if he lived in the same city, or at least closer.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, I believe my voice sounds different on the phone.

No, I never thought about him not liking my voice in person - we knew each other professionally first so I saw him only as a colleague from my field, I didn't see him in a romantic way for a long time.

I'm not a fan of phone calls in general. There are maybe 5 people I feel comfortable being on the phone with - mostly family members a 2 close friends.

So I believe I need a close relationship with someone to actually enjoy talking to them on the phone.

I don't think I have a fear of closeness, and I'd be happy if he lived in the same city, or at least closer.

But if you want to have this progress and there is no end in sight to living closer maybe work on making him the 6th person you're comfortable with being on the phone

 

[kim42]

26 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Yes, it’s weird to just continue to spend your time texting and texting and texting with no end in sight. At that point it’s basically just like having a pen pal. People are going to naturally want more, and hearing one another’s voice is more personal.
 

I second  what @rainbowsandroses asked: could this also be some sort of fear of intimacy? No judgement, I naturally feel more connected when I keep people at an arms length and when things become a little too intimate I feel like I need space. I wonder if one of your attractions to this situation is that he is at an arms length and up until now you’ve been able to comfortably hide behind a text message.  

I don't think it's a fear of intimacy. When we talked about him visiting, I didn't feel like I needed space or that it would be too much.

I don't like phone calls in general, I didn't talk on the phone with my exes unless it was necessary. They were always in the same city or close though, so I realize a long distance situation needs different communication.

I think I'll give it a shot and try to schedule a phone call.

[rainbowsandroses]

The way to conquer a fear is by doing the very thing one fears to do. - Eleanor Roosevelt

@kim42you won't overcome your fear by avoiding it.  Yes, give yourself a gentle push and have a phone conversation with him!  Like me you might discover an entire new way of communicating and interacting and come to really enjoy it!

I didn't fear the sound of my voice, but I was very shy and often thought I would have nothing of value to say.  Texting/emailing was more comfortable, I felt less pressured by it.

Everyone has their own preferences but since it appears he wants to change the communication dynamic, if you really like him and want something more to eventually develop, try to make an effort and roll with it. 

Being flexible to changing nuances is important imo lest you appear too rigid and well, inflexible and too set in your own ways.

JMO and good luck!