Q: Meeting for coffee in a couple of weeks, should I start texting her now?

[Sam.Bl]

Hi

 

   I recently met somebody I like at a group event, and felt that we had a good connection. Before I left she asked for my social media. I felt there was definitely attraction in that moment which made me want to ask her out...

 

  Ideally, I wanted to straight up ask her out in person, but as she wasn’t alone and more importantly, she is no longer is based in the same city and makes trips back up every couple of weeks. So I did it over text   

 

   I made the effort to bold and just straight up ask her out via text, seeing if she was interested in meeting up for a coffee...   

 

  I didn’t get a reply for a couple of days - which wasn’t a good sign, and by the end I didn’t expect a yes at all.

 

Anyway, she replied saying that she was interested and that she would be in town in a few weeks to meet a friend, so she could let me know then. I said I was looking forward to it etc. and we haven't chatted since...   

 

 

 I feel like I’m in a weird spot now… It's been a few days since and so far we’ve only exchanged a few messages .

I’m into this person, and I’d like to chat with her more, but at the same time, I don’t want to kill any of the tension and energy that I felt was there when we met in person, by texting too much beforehand...   

 

  Has anyone been in a similar position? What would you recommend… Maybe just reaching out for a convo next week or something? Should I be doing more?   

 

  She’s said yes to a coffee, but I still feel I don’t really know how interested she is.    I want to give out a clear vibe that I'm into her, so I guess I’m not sure if I should push this a bit more..?

 

 

[Coily]

I'd say text, maybe even a phone call (gasp). Just chit chat, nothing intense. get to know her without the pressure of being face to face.

It doesn't seem like she's the text everyday type, and that's just her. Plenty of people don't like blowing up someone's phone. I would suggest maybe discussing a topic you two have in common, as text is a very meh medium to get to know someone.

[tattoobunnie]

I would call her around 7 pm during the week.  It's a time where you've had time to decompress.  DO NOT TRY TO FORM A BOND OVER TEXT since you've never had a chance to get to know eachother in person.  Texting now will not help to get to know her.  All texts are contrived; for all you know she's nuts.  A text won't convey this, but phone calls can.

[Sam.Bl]

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

I'd say text, maybe even a phone call (gasp). Just chit chat, nothing intense. get to know her without the pressure of being face to face.

It doesn't seem like she's the text everyday type, and that's just her. Plenty of people don't like blowing up someone's phone. I would suggest maybe discussing a topic you two have in common, as text is a very meh medium to get to know someone.

Thanks for your reply Coily.

Yeah I guess I just don't want to kind of lose that potential interest through text, especially if she isn't that receptive I just thought it might not be great. Like I said she took several days to reply and I was very surprised when she said yes. I hope I gave her the vibe that this is a date and not just hanging out with a friend...

I'm not the greatest texter, but at the same time it feels weird just leaving the conversation until a couple of weeks time and just being like "hey, so we still on...?"

It's a good shout about making chit chat, like you said it's not the way to properly connect with someone

[Sam.Bl]

3 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I would call her around 7 pm during the week.  It's a time where you've had time to decompress.  DO NOT TRY TO FORM A BOND OVER TEXT since you've never had a chance to get to know eachother in person.  Texting now will not help to get to know her.  All texts are contrived; for all you know she's nuts.  A text won't convey this, but phone calls can.

To be honest I'm not the best speaker on the phone haha... but from what I take it, you're saying that us not having spoken for a few days is fine, even good perhaps...? The only thing I was thinking of was reaching out in a few days time with the old "how's your week been?"

My thinking was to keep texting minimal as we had a good connection in person and I didn't want to lose that but as I said it feels weird just doing nothing for a week or two

[lostandhurt]

Be different than most guys and call her.  Set it up with a text.

"I know we have a coffee date (use the word date) in a couple of weeks but I really enjoyed talking with you at the event, do you have time this evening to talk?"  Or words to that effect.

See what she says.

Just remember if she is into you she will not forget you and absence can keep you on her mind just like she is on yours.

 Lost

[tattoobunnie]

You met once briefly.  Trying to form a relationship through texting before your 1st date is amature hour and juevenile. Don't do it.  You will not get the result you want.  You don't have to be the best speaker.  But you can ask her questions, and tell her about you.  Ask her how her day is, family, things she likes to do. You do.  Where she went to school.  What it was like for her.  Where'd she like to travel to one day or has been to. 

Texting will only get your romanticizing her, and it will be a short lived experience when the in-person reality and expectations meet.

 

[Sam.Bl]

2 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

You met once briefly.  Trying to form a relationship through texting before your 1st date is amature hour and juevenile. Don't do it.  You will not get the result you want.  You don't have to be the best speaker.  But you can ask her questions, and tell her about you.  Ask her how her day is, family, things she likes to do. You do.  Where she went to school.  What it was like for her.  Where'd she like to travel to one day or has been to. 

Texting will only get your romanticizing her, and it will be a short lived experience when the in-person reality and expectations meet.

 

Okay, so no texting apart from checking in to see if it's still on etc.?

I mean a call would be nice I just wouldn't want to make it awkward in case she wasn't comfortable with doing that.

As long as it's okay to not text much up until the date...? That's the main thing  Iwanted some advice on as I didn't want to come across as cold

[Sam.Bl]

9 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Be different than most guys and call her.  Set it up with a text.

"I know we have a coffee date (use the word date) in a couple of weeks but I really enjoyed talking with you at the event, do you have time this evening to talk?"  Or words to that effect.

See what she says.

Just remember if she is into you she will not forget you and absence can keep you on her mind just like she is on yours.

 Lost

Thanks Lost. It's definitely a good idea... the only thing that made me question is was that if she wasn't comfortable with it, I wouldn't want to kill the vibes.

that "absence" stuff you mentioned - I definitely had that in mind and you're definitely right!

[Cherylyn]

I say tread lightly.  Don't bombard her with texts otherwise you'll be perceived as over zealous and weird.  Have allure and be a bit mysterious.  Too much familiarity breeds contempt. 

Wait to see her in person which will be refreshing.  I would say the only time to text is to nicely confirm date,  time,  location shortly before meeting such as a day or two prior. 

Don't over do it with electronic communication. 

[boltnrun]

 

39 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

I was thinking of was reaching out in a few days time with the old "how's your week been?"

Lame. How is someone supposed to answer that? "Fine, how was yours?", you say "Fine" and then what? 

Text her asking "Are you available for a quick call tonight at 7? Just thought it would be nice to chat." Then if she agrees, ask her about herself such as what brings her to your area and if she has had a chance to explore the city. 

[Sam.Bl]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

Lame. How is someone supposed to answer that? "Fine, how was yours?", you say "Fine" and then what? 

Text her asking "Are you available for a quick call tonight at 7? Just thought it would be nice to chat." Then if she agrees, ask her about herself such as what brings her to your area and if she has had a chance to explore the city. 

I appreciate your honesty (being serious here...). I guess  the only thing was if she wasn't comfortable with it and not wanting to it would make it awkward - but I get your point about being bland

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sam.Bl said:

I'm not the greatest texter, but at the same time it feels weird just leaving the conversation until a couple of weeks time and just being like "hey, so we still on...?"

Agree it's a good idea not to text too much, but stay on the radar and touch base here and there. She needs to know you're interested so do some light texting.

[kim42]

I was in a similar situation a while ago - I was supposed to meet with this guy in a couple of weeks and we did text before we met. We already knew each other so that was maybe different.

That being said, I don't see anything wrong with light texting. I wouldn't call her, I think it's too soon but that's just me.

[Sam.Bl]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree it's a good idea not to text too much, but stay on the radar and touch base here and there. She needs to know you're interested so do some light texting.

You make a good point... I was thinking in a few days of reaching out - not being bland as somebody mentioned about with just "how's your week been" but maybe something a bit humorous

[Sam.Bl]

Just now, kim42 said:

I was in a similar situation a while ago - I was supposed to meet with this guy in a couple of weeks and we did text before we met. We already knew rach ither so that was maybe different.

That being said, I don't see anything wrong with light texting. I wouldn't call her, I think it's too soon but that's just me.

Thanks for your answer - From a woman's perspective, what would be some good light texting for a date? I didn't want to come across with a boring "how's your week been?" as someone mentioned about. Probably something where I'm trying to make her laugh... 

It feels like a balance of keeping that curiosity and sexual tension by not texting too much but obviously not making them feel like you're not that interested or letting that interest die out

[kim42]

12 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

Thanks for your answer - From a woman's perspective, what would be some good light texting for a date? I didn't want to come across with a boring "how's your week been?" as someone mentioned about. Probably something where I'm trying to make her laugh... 

It feels like a balance of keeping that curiosity and sexual tension by not texting too much but obviously not making them feel like you're not that interested or letting that interest die out

I don't think 'how's your week been' is a bad question to start with, you can always follow up with a more specific question after she replies.

Do you guys have anything in common? If she told you something about herself that you think it's interesting, you can follow up on that, or send her a funny video/meme. 

 

You don't have to try too hard to be funny though - if she wants to talk to you, the conversation will flow naturally.

[lostandhurt]

You are overthinking this which we all do.  If she likes you and is interested then you are good but if she is on the fence and taking a See how it goes kind of approach you could mess it up by getting ahead of her pace.

 You are raring to go but you have no idea what gear she is in.

Try and stay busy and the days will go by pretty fast.  If you have something interesting to text her, maybe about the event you met at or a similar one coming up that would be a pretty safe bet.

 What ever you do cut all your impulses by 50% and you should be fine.

Lost

[Sam.Bl]

56 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

You are overthinking this which we all do.  If she likes you and is interested then you are good but if she is on the fence and taking a See how it goes kind of approach you could mess it up by getting ahead of her pace.

 You are raring to go but you have no idea what gear she is in.

Try and stay busy and the days will go by pretty fast.  If you have something interesting to text her, maybe about the event you met at or a similar one coming up that would be a pretty safe bet.

 What ever you do cut all your impulses by 50% and you should be fine.

Lost

Thanks Lost

As long as I know that by keeping busy and not texting her I wouldn't be missing out on anything or risking messing it up.

Maybe because she asked for my instagram that I jumped the gun a little bit. She took several days to reply to me asking her out - it sounded like she was busy granted - but after me sending a few messages with the 'looking forward to it' text the convo hasn't continued. 

So at this point, you're probably right in the sense that she is on the fence.

I am an overthinker, but weirdly enough I had the mindset of not really caring about failing when I spoke to her and I came across really well because there was no anxiety. I would like to hold on to that mentality

 

[Andrina]

How far apart do you live from one another? Did she move away and comes into town to visit friends regularly?

[Sam.Bl]

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How far apart do you live from one another? Did she move away and comes into town to visit friends regularly?

She had lived previously lived here for several years but had to move in with family several hours away. So yeah I think it's like you said of having a work base and friends here 

[Andrina]

Normally I don't recommend dating if you live more than an hour apart, but if this thing actually worked out, it wouldn't be some major ordeal for her to uproot and move back to where she's originally from.

But saying that, don't project that far in advance. Take it as a wait-and-see attitude, and see if she ends up putting in an equal effort. No matter how into her you are, don't be the sole person driving the train. It's a good way to gauge another's continuing interest or lack of it. Don't always be the first to communicate and do the asking out on dates.

As for the texting, I'd think about which place you want to meet more for coffee. Choose one with a lot of personality, and not too loud so you can speak without yelling. And then you can text her something like: This place (name) might be fun for our coffee meet up. Or if you have a better place you like, I'm open to suggestions. Then on another day, you can text and ask if she's the type of person who likes to occasionally talk on the phone, and if so, you can ring her up when it's convenient to you both.

Make sure the first meet is a marathon one, even if you're getting along and she's free. Sometimes the marathon sessions are too much too soon. 

This is all more info than you've asked for, but I'm just putting in my extra two cents. Have fun!

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Make sure the first meet is a marathon one

Did you mean "isn't" a marathon?

[shouldhavelearned]

Call and chat it up. See how it goes.

 

 

 

[Andrina]

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Did you mean "isn't" a marathon?

Yes, I meant isn't. A typo.