Newly engaged, yet his family doesn't seem to be happy for him.

[SooSad33]

I agree with give it time.

There are 2 points I see here.  1) These kids had a mom and lost her 😞 , 'a few years ago'.  So, this IS probably shocking to them.  They lost the only mom they ever had. ( so, this is really their dads choice.. not theirs)... and 2), It's now your 'new life' with this man, as you both have spoken marriage, which IS a big step.

So, with this in mind, you can put yourself in that family's shoes and understand why you got such a reaction.

In time, I do believe the kids will come to 'accept' what is.  And that dad is re-marrying.  And may just be some distance for a while, or always with the kids. 

So be it!  You live with how you both want it.  You want to be with him and him with you! 🙂 

As for these outings he has with his kid, let it be.  They have a special bond and that can't be broken and this is 'their time' and how they want it.

I can see myself in a similar situation.  That my bf would not always need to be by my side with everything I do, including my time with my kids. 

Good luck & hope you're happiness continues. 

[Sweet Sue]

These 'kids' are grown adults with lives of their own. Their mom has been dead for around 7 years. 

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it  😀

[Cherylyn]

On 9/13/2023 at 3:56 PM, Sweet Sue said:

Cherylyn, I don't want to be included if I am not wanted. It's hard enough to attend the holiday gatherings and be ignored. 

I know he appreciates the warm welcome he receives from my family and can see the difference. 

I am not trying to cause a riff or try to make him pick and I get it if he wants some father and son time every once in a while, but since his son has introduced the new girlfriend, she is a constant presence at family gatherings - so I am told. 

 

The crux of the matter and the real problem here is your fiance choosing not to defend you nor get involved on your behalf.  Perhaps it's out of fear as he prefers to straddle both sides of the fence.  I'm sorry to say it's a selfish act because a selfless man would bear the brunt of his family's ire and risk backlash for you.  A selfless man would defend your honor.  <==== That right there is real love IMHO.

I'm sorry to say that him not going up to bat for you is cowardly.  I'm sorry that I'm not mincing words when I say that but it's the truth.  No sense sugar coating it.

Either accept your fiance as is,  accept how his family is even if you don't like it or make better choices for your life and your future. 

He will not change for you.  You'll have to park yourself on the sidelines regarding his family because as long as no one cares to make you feel welcome and lovingly included,  you never will at this rate.  If this situation doesn't bother you over time,  then roll with it and learn to adapt.  If it grates on your nerves and nothing is done to treat you like a decent human being,  then you'll have to tolerate and endure it.  I'm sorry. 

I know you're not trying to cause a rift.  Therefore,  you'll have to have the attitude of "put up and shut up" OR be with the type of man and family who has your best interests at heart. 

[itsallgrand]

On 9/13/2023 at 2:15 PM, smackie9 said:

 

I think your fiancé is holding out on you as to why, as to not hurt your feelings. 

Yeah I agree. 

And it may have zero to do with you personally. 

It's odd to me he chose a birthday dinner to tell them. Kinda shows he's not great at approaching these things with his kids. Even though they are grown, there might be stuff regarding communication with their dad they aren't thrilled about. Delivery can mean a whole lot. 

I have to know....what is in a pineapple casserole? I've loved many a casserole but never heard of or tried a pineapple one! I'm intrigued. 

[shouldhavelearned]

More I think about it, it won't end well for you

[Sweet Sue]

Itsallgrand, Pineapple casserole is very easy to make. 

Pineapple Casserole Recipe~

Ingredients:

2-15 oz cans plus 1- 8oz can Pineapple tidbits, drained

3/4 cup of sugar

6 tbsp flour ( I use all-purpose)

1 cup cheddar cheese (medium sharp), grated

1 tube Ritz crackers (crushed)

1 stick butter

In a greased casserole dish, place the drained pineapple. In a mixing bowl, combine the sugar, flour, and cheese. Mix well. Sprinkle over the pineapple. Crush the ritz crackers and add to 1 stick of melted butter. Mix well.  Spread evenly over the top (this is your topping). 

Bake at 350 degrees uncovered for 20-30 minutes.

*Check the casserole after about 15 minutes, cover with aluminum foil if needed -you don't want your topping to burn.

enjoy! 😀

 

[itsallgrand]

Thanks! I'll give this a try. Appreciate it. 

[Sweet Sue]

Itsallgrand - you are welcome! 😀

[Sweet Sue]

Wiseman2, the original plan was to take "Jean" out for her birthday and announce our engagement to her. 

As her birthday approached, my fiancee informed me that our small dinner party (just the three of us) was turning into a birthday dinner that would include more family members. 

Looking back, I think he realizes it was not such a good idea. 

I do think that it is their assumption that I may have been the one to encourage him to put his house on the market and move away. We are planning to move about 1-2 hours away. 

When this happens, "Jean" will have to rely more on her daughter, son-in-law, and 4 grandsons (who are all grown-up) for assistance. 

Right now, my fiancee does more for her than all the others combined. There is a strong bond between them. She is a fine lady and a good soul. 

[Sweet Sue]

Andrina, I'm sure his sons have given some thought about an inheritance. I have not been made aware if he has left a will for his sons. I've been told that the money he makes off the sale of his estate will go directly to the purchase of our new home. 

Keep this in mind, before I entered the picture, his eldest son who is 35, was perfectly content living at home with his father. To be quite honest, his son had a good job, but he did not earn enough money to live on his own. I'm guessing that his son believed that his dad would probably never remarry and he could go on living with his dad in the home he grew up in and that one day it would become his home. It's a great arrangement and as far I know, he didn't pay his dad any rent or help with the bills!

All was going perfectly fine until I enter the picture and dad starts talking to his son about moving out and finding a place of his own. Eventually he did, but it took a year for him to get around to doing so. 

I am sure there's some kind of resentment of sorts going on there.....

 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

I am sure there's some kind of resentment of sorts going on there....

Yes seems to be on both ends - you really are judging that their mother died 7 years ago so they should be over it? My dad died 7 years ago this month.  My father in law died 7 years ago too.  My husband most certainly isn't over his dad passing away.  I was not close with my father so it was easier for me to "move on" but - this is how things can go - last few years I find myself thinking about him a lot more and memories come up that relate to my life now -also I have a child so of course as a parent I remember my own parent, etc.  There is no time limit.  Even for an adult (I'm 57).  And his late wife's children were very close to her so I'd go light or zilch on the judgey stuff - you seem to resent them too as far as the financial stuff too.  Tread lightly as the outsider. IMO. 

Separately yes they are behaving standoffish and your fiancee should have your back more.

[boltnrun]

I can see how the son might blame you for him having to move out whether or not you were the one who demanded he leave. My brother started a relationship with someone while I was renting a room in his house and this woman made it very clear (through passive aggressive actions) that she wanted me gone. So I did move out. I didn't resent her because it was fine for me to move out, but maybe his son believes you "made" his dad tell him to leave and then shared that with his family. I don't see where you say you wanted him gone, but he may have felt you did.

[Sweet Sue]

boltnrun, it's hard for me to know myself. When my fiancee and I were still in the early stages of the relationship - we reconnected on facebook - he told me that he had plan to leave the area one day and move to Florida. Now, whether or not he shared this information with me or his sons is purely speculative. 

It's not up to me to decide whether or not his son stays with him and although my fiancee has shared his concern that his son lacks the motivation to look for a better paying position so he could afford to support himself is a topic I am reluctant to add my two cents. 

Today, his son has taken a better paying position and moved into an apartment that he shares with a close friend. 

Things are moving forward.....

[boltnrun]

I think your hands off approach is the right one. But regardless, they may view you as an interloper who is disrupting their perfect family unit. The old "evil stepmother" trope. Unfair, sure, but it happens.

Hopefully his deceased wife's mother will warm up to you and will help them realize you love their dad and don't see them as some sort of threat or enemy.

[Sweet Sue]

boltnrun......My fiancee had a conversation about this very thing a while back and he told me that "Jean" was 'working' on them- whatever that means.

'Jean' and I have a good relationship, although I found her non-verbal response to the announcement quite shocking. I looked over at her to see her response and her jaw dropped. She didn't speak to me at all at the dinner table -and neither did anyone else. No questions were asked about a date or anything, just awkward silence. I don't think it was a good idea to overshadow "Jean's" birthday party with such an announcement, but it happened. I don't recall anyone saying anything to him - and they are his family. 

When I got divorced from my first husband and father of my only child, he remarried just two months later. That marriage only lasted a few years and according to my ex-husband, our daughter made their life miserable. The reason for this was because she didn't want anyone to take my place - at least, not so soon after the divorce. Her behavior was more aggressive in nature, while my fiancee's sons are more passive aggressive. 

I do hope that over time they can open their hearts and home to me. 

[Batya33]

Why not tell them when the wedding date is? Some people don’t want to pry.  

[Sweet Sue]

Batya.......when we set one...we have set an official date, yet. 

[Batya33]

23 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

Batya.......when we set one...we have set an official date, yet. 

So why do you care so much that they haven't asked? To me and maybe to them it's not an official engagement without a ring AND a wedding date.

[arjumand]

Or just a date. The ring is not necessary. 

 

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, arjumand said:

Or just a date. The ring is not necessary. 

 

I was just going with the sort of cliche "a ring and a date" but yes I agree in general although I love my ring so much and love the memories that go with it.  So I relate to those who want a ring.  (And yes I got my husband his wedding band).

[Seraphim]

When my mom married her last husband and his wife had been dead for 5 years already she was made to be very unwelcome. She has never been truly accepted , except by his daughter once she hit her later 30’s after her grandmother had died . She was with my stepdad for 30 years. He has passed on now and the only ones who really keep up with my mom is his daughter and his one sister who is still left alive.

[Seraphim]

On 9/14/2023 at 7:16 PM, Sweet Sue said:

These 'kids' are grown adults with lives of their own. Their mom has been dead for around 7 years. 

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it  😀

When my mom married my step dad his kids were 15, 21,26 and their mom had died when they were 10,17,21. They were in no way over it , they aren’t even really “ over it “ now and it was 35 years ago.  I would never under estimate the sensitivity of losing parents to anyone . 

[Cherylyn]

I've had a similar experience even though my story is not the same;  the sentiment feels the same.  Whenever I know a person I love doesn't quite love me to the point of sticking up for me,  to me,  it doesn't feel like real love.  Sure,  it's love on their terms and to their extent but at the end of the day,  their true concern is about their standing with mutual people whom you know with them.  Their only concern is to be on their right side and you're not even part of that equation.  It makes you feel as if you don't rate.  I hope you get this message loud and clear because it can't be clearer.  They're concerned about their own skin first and foremost which to me,  not only hurts me but I'm very disappointed in them because I thought they were better than that.  I actually held them to a higher standard and higher regard until I realized their love for me only goes so far.  I'm not you but once I realized their "I don't want to get involved or I don't want to get in the middle of this" mindset,  my love for them is slipping away.  I really don't like people who don't have my back.   😒  Sure,  I can be respectful,  polite and peaceful but will the camaraderie exist?  Nope.  Will I revert to using endearments?  Nope.  Would I feel close enough to said person to be lighthearted with lengthy phone or in person conversations?  _______ NO.  Something inside me died. 

As for you,  it's good to know what you know about your fiance before you marry him.  Just don't be surprised nor shocked when he doesn't have your back in the future because you're getting a taste of it now.  ☹️

Congratulations though and hope all goes well for you.  Good luck.

[shouldhavelearned]

@Cherylyn perfect first four or five sentences 

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps you're trying too hard to make them like you? Try to step back a bit. They were a family long before you came along so expecting him to distance himself from his kids or the rest of his family to "stick up for you" is just going to create discord and rifts.

It may be somewhat unrealistic in second marriages to expect everyone to be thrilled about you. Gray marriages are much more complicated. 

As long as you feel your BF treats you well, let him handle his family. Try not to sweat the petty stuff like how the sons act or whether they compliment your cooking.

Keep in mind, your presence is displacing and changing things. That's not your fault and therefore your BF needs to deal with it. They're trying to be somewhat polite but maybe they're just not your kind of people?