Newly engaged, yet his family doesn't seem to be happy for him.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Seraphim said:

When my mom married my step dad his kids were 15, 21,26 and their mom had died when they were 10,17,21. They were in no way over it , they aren’t even really “ over it “ now and it was 35 years ago.  I would never under estimate the sensitivity of losing parents to anyone . 

My husband is 57. He lost his parents 10 and 7 years ago.  He's not over it by a long shot -not that he expresses this in any concerning way but I know this for sure.  And I am 57 and I'm not over it either especially with respect to my mother in law.  I loved her so much.  My FIL didn't date or remarry - but my bff's dad did -he remarried at 80 to a lovely woman.  In fact my friend's sibling introduced them I believe.  But the other sibling took a long time to warm up to the whole thing -and she was in her 50s.  I know for sure she was gracious and polite.  but it was hard -she was very close with her mom!!

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Whenever I know a person I love doesn't quite love me to the point of sticking up for me,  to me,  it doesn't feel like real love.  Sure,  it's love on their terms and to their extent but at the end of the day,  their true concern is about their standing with mutual people whom you know with them.

Same can be said about the OP - she wants him to stick up for her on her terms -by her standards of "sticking up" and he is a dad of children who lost their mother.  Perhaps she should show some compassion for his desire as a parent to stick up for his own children.  They should act respectfully but I don't see where they need to fawn over a ring and an announcement at their grandmother's bday party that at some indeterminate date their dad will be remarried.  I agree with give it time.

[Seraphim]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My husband is 57. He lost his parents 10 and 7 years ago.  He's not over it by a long shot -not that he expresses this in any concerning way but I know this for sure.  And I am 57 and I'm not over it either especially with respect to my mother in law.  I loved her so much.  My FIL didn't date or remarry - but my bff's dad did -he remarried at 80 to a lovely woman.  In fact my friend's sibling introduced them I believe.  But the other sibling took a long time to warm up to the whole thing -and she was in her 50s.  I know for sure she was gracious and polite.  but it was hard -she was very close with her mom!!

I lost my dad 3 years ago and then my FIL nine months after that and my step father 5 months after that. It is all so shocking . It rocked my mother’s entire world that her husband is gone. I don’t think she will ever recover from it . 

[Starlight925]

Sue, I agree, this would be disconcerting.  As others have said, he should have announced this at a different time, but in most families, any gathering would have been fine, as it's when everyone is together.

Some groups (families, friend groups, etc.) are just not open to others joining in, and your engagement means you'll be joining in forever.  So they do the "la la la la, I can't hear you" and resume with their own personal conversations.

Frankly, it's rude.

I dated someone for 2+ years like this.  His family would just chatter on about people and things I knew nothing about, so I'd just sit there and eat, drink, nod.  Honestly, it never changed, as they were almost xenophobic in their quest to keep outsiders....out.

He likely doesn't want to engage in confrontation, so he'll just go along with them.  

But at the end of the day, it's the two of you, and if you two are happy, then all you can do is be the best partner for him.

There may come a day when someone in his family needs him and he can't be there that day, and you'll possibly step in to help, and you'll start integrating more into them.  Until then, be your charming self, hold your head high, and congrats!

[Lambert]

On 9/13/2023 at 12:53 PM, Sweet Sue said:

but I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

But it is uncomfortable for you.  

I am not saying you have to hold your future husband accountable for his family, especially adults.  However, you must be able to express yourself to him and he understand where you are coming from.  This is your life partner.    

Based on what you wrote about his response to you, I think you need to discuss things with him come to a consensus on how you will handle this together.

mainly-- does he agree with you that maybe he announced it at an in opportune time?  Is he uncomfortable pushing it with his kids because of his late wife and their grieving process?  What can be done to alleviate some of the tension?  Can he talk to his kids separately about what they really think and feel about his remarrying? Make his wishes clear to them? 

And then how do you handle it going forward with the two of you united in what's happening.  In some respects, I get it.  It's a tough situation.  But do you really want to be married to guy that just wants to save face and not rock the boat while you eat a poop sandwich?

I don't think I could do it.  It could be why the last girlfriend left.  And I don't buy that they all loved her and hoped they would marry.  Isn't that convenient to make their rudeness about you.  I would really do some soul searching about you're getting yourself into.  

[Cherylyn]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Same can be said about the OP - she wants him to stick up for her on her terms -by her standards of "sticking up" and he is a dad of children who lost their mother.  Perhaps she should show some compassion for his desire as a parent to stick up for his own children.  They should act respectfully but I don't see where they need to fawn over a ring and an announcement at their grandmother's bday party that at some indeterminate date their dad will be remarried.  I agree with give it time.

I was referring to the fiance defending her to his relatives for her.  That's what I meant when I said "sticking up."  Usually, when there's an ally especially from a spouse or fiance in this case,  there's a feeling of moral support as opposed to going it alone, acquiescing,  giving up and / or suffering in silence.  A lot of times, when the boyfriend,  husband,  fiance or whomever doesn't speak up to his family,  then everything is status quo,  nothing changes,  the dynamics or lack thereof remain the same.  You just have to learn to accept and adapt to an uncomfortable and unwelcoming situation.  In other words,  the OP isn't feeling the love.  It's not a good feeling to be marrying into a family where there isn't any genuine warmth of inclusion.  It feels like long term non-acceptance.  It feels like exclusion if anything,  feeling unwanted,  unwelcome and at best, merely tolerated for civility's sake.  

There are times when speaking up is to no avail, falls on deaf ears and an effort in futility anyway.  You can't win against narcissists or those who lack empathy.  You can't win against those who couldn't care less about you or how you feel. 

In the OP,  @Sweet Sue's case,  she isn't married yet so at least she won't be shocked nor surprised by the dynamic.  She had been forewarned.  All I was saying was that you either accept the situation as is and hope that her fiance can put in a good word for her.  Hopefully,  he can persuade or convince his family to sincerely love his betrothed through their actions.  If no one cares to do anything and / or nothing changes,  she'll have to adapt to an uncomfortable situation or determine if this is the type of future she desires despite everything.  Second best would be enforced boundaries all around;  although not optimal but you have to take what you can get sometimes because it's as "good"🙄 as it gets.  If you have to lower your standards in people meaning don't think they're all so wonderful to you and lower your expectations in people because they won't always treat you with utmost kindness and grace,  at least you're realistic.  😐

I highly doubt marriage is blissful if you sense not feeling the love from a fiance's family,  a husband's family,  in-laws and feeling like an outsider despite marrying into the family.  It's not a happy situation.  ☹️ I hope as you say, "give it time," will cause the ice to thaw and they'll eventually come around one day but it's a gamble and risk.  It's iffy and there's no telling if people will care enough to truly warm up to you.  I'm just saying be prepared for any and all scenarios no matter how the trajectory ends up. 

[Cherylyn]

18 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

@Cherylyn perfect first four or five sentences 

Thank you @shouldhavelearned.  I come from the school of hard knocks.  Been there done that.  🤔

[catfeeder]

First, congratulations on your engagement! I'd consider that you've been with your fiancé for 'a few years' without this lack of closeness with his family impacting your life or your relationship prior to this.

I'd also consider that you haven't observed fiancé interacting with his children enough to really know whether he even holds enough clout with them in terms of 'sticking up for you'. If his own relationships with them aren't strong enough to influence them, he could speak all he wants (and maybe even has,) and even if they've agreed with him, the outcome keeps repeating itself to his dismay.

You've had a few years to learn whether this family 'must' bother you, and while their coldness is not ideal, you've handled these situations in the best possible way. You may find yourself winning them over at some point. I wouldn't invest emotionally, though. A lack of investment can serve you well.

[Sweet Sue]

Thank all of you for your insightful comments.

My fiancee is the non-confrontational type and I wouldn't even know where to begin. I have mentioned this to him when he invited me to another family gathering last year. He noticed that I was apprehensive and asked me why. I don't remember the words I used exactly, but told him I don't feel 'warm and fuzzy' around them and they don't show any interest in getting to know me. 

To this day, I don't know if he has ever talked to them about this, but I know what he has shared with me. I told him to remind the boys that I would never try to take their mother's place and to ask them if they would like to see their father happy again. He also told me - as I stated in an earlier post, that "Jean" was working on them - (what does that mean)? I think it means she's going to bat for me because I have been told that she liked me the first time we met and I like her too. At this time, she seems to be the only one who has accepted me into the family 🙂

You can't make people like you, but at the very least all I want is for them to show some respect and give me a chance. 

[shouldhavelearned]

@Starlight925

What a post here

 

I dated someone for 2+ years like this.  His family would just chatter on about people and things I knew nothing about, so I'd just sit there and eat, drink, nod.  Honestly, it never changed, as they were almost xenophobic in their quest to keep outsiders....out.

 

and then that family wonders why you don't say anything.....they have no clue 

[shouldhavelearned]

On 9/17/2023 at 5:31 PM, Cherylyn said:

Thank you @shouldhavelearned.  I come from the school of hard knocks.  Been there done that.  🤔

Hopefully all is well with you!

 

Sometimes things are said so well and you did it.  It actually brought some memories back for me and got me upset for a bit. 

[Cherylyn]

26 minutes ago, Sweet Sue said:

You can't make people like you, but at the very least all I want is for them to show some respect and give me a chance. 

Yes,  @Sweet Sue, everyone wants that. 

Unfortunately,  it's not the fact that people don't always like you personally per se,  it's their "I don't care about you" attitude and their behavior reflects their apathy and standoffish behavior towards you.   You're ignored.  

If you want to be given a chance to be respected,  ask your fiance to put in a good word for you.  That should grab their attention and if no one speaks up,  then everything remains the same and you'll have to put up and shut up. It's just the way it is.  🤨 

[Cherylyn]

18 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Hopefully all is well with you!

 

Sometimes things are said so well and you did it.  It actually brought some memories back for me and got me upset for a bit. 

Thank you @shouldhavelearned.  I appreciated your kind words.  I'm sorry for your bad memories upsetting you.  Bad memories upset me, too.  All we can do is learn from bad memories and navigate the future shrewdly for your own survival and sanity's sake. 👍