I just got a girlfriend and I am clueless as to what comes next

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

So, (m21) I just got a girlfriend. We have been seeing each other for a month and official for a little less than a week. We are pretty much each other’s first. And I am lost as to what comes next. I never thought I would get this far.

We still live with parents, and see each other once a week. Things are okay. But I still feel nervous around her. And she is still kinda shy too. There are still silent pauses, specially in the car or when we walk. We have kissed two times and it doesn’t last more than two seconds. I am just bad at reading signs. The thing is she still wants me to ask for consent for basically anything. Which is okay by me. She had bad experiences with guys before so I guess I need to earn her trust still. I asked her if she wanted to meet my parents over dinner, but she said she needs a little more time.

This last time we went out I was kinda afraid of initiating anything so when I dropped her off and said bye she just stayed there waiting for me to hug and kiss her. So I asked if I could hug her and then we kissed. We had a conversation after that and I told her she didn’t look that comfortable that’s why I didn’t initiate anything. She told me she definitely did but she was shy to ask. And told me that she likes to show affection out in public but that’s something I have to do, and that we could hold hands next time.

I really want to hug her, kiss her, hold her hand, put my arm around her. But I just don’t know how to approach it. How to do it in a smooth way. Specially with the fact I need to ask her before hand. How and when should we make out?

I am just lost at this point. I don’t how to proceed. I need to come out of my shell, and so does she. But I don’t know how.

Also, any date ideas or romantic gestures ideas are greatly appreciated. I am running out of ideas

[MissCanuck]

Before I give advice, can I ask how old both of you are? 

[Kwothe28]

I think you are doing OK. And while I think there is no harm in asking for consent, think its a bit weird for stuff like holding hands or even a kiss. Those are some stuff that happen organically. For example my first girlfriend(we were 18 at the time) loved when I took her hand because it was colder outside and it warmed her up. Or when walking the street. Its something that you just do as boyfriend and girlfriend. Its not really a personal attack. You shouldnt really be, I dunno, "grabby" and try to maybe be "innapropriate" with her. Or "too pushy" for intimacy if she is not comfortable. But what you are asking is prrety basic stuff. You can hug her when you meet her, you can hold her hand or even put an arm around her when you walk together on the street. You can kiss her when there is an opportiunity for it. Heck, she even wants you to do stuff like that

7 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

And told me that she likes to show affection out in public but that’s something I have to do, and that we could hold hands next time.

So show some initiative next time and at least try to hold her hand or put an arm around her. Its Ok, its your first girlfriend so you should learn in time and be more comfortable with stuff like that.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

Specially with the fact I need to ask her before hand. How and when should we make out?

It seems to be going well and she seems to like you. Perhaps she's shy or inexperienced, so take one step at a time. As far you romantic dates, maybe a place you can stroll around, hold hands etc. Like a park or zoo. Is this the same woman?:

 

[Batya33]

I would tell her that it's awkward for  you to ask to hold her hand.  Because that is very typical of what people do on dates.  Tell her you empathize with her past bad experiences, that you are not those people and that this level of needing to "earn" her trust is making you feel like you're guilty till proven innocent.  Walking on eggshells is no fun!

[smackie9]

She has given you the green light, so you don't have to ask her if you can do this or that anymore....just do it. Over time things will smooth out once you two get used to things. Stop over thinking it.  

[Cherylyn]

Be honest,  tell the truth and have a calm, nice,  sweet conversation with her.

Romantic and considerate gestures would be a nice way to express how special she is to you.  Ladies notice, too.  Stuff like opening doors and having her pass through the door before you,  helping her if she needs any type of assistance to prevent tripping,  a fall or if she needs to steady herself.  If it's a hot day,  offer to pay for a beverage.  Be selfless and considerate.  Believe me,  ladies love a man who thinks of her and not just about hugs and kisses either.  It's more than that which will grab her attention! 

Find out when her birthday is and do something nice such as treat her to a meal,  go out for a picnic,  buy a reasonably priced gift or something you know she would like, a greeting card with a nice handwritten message and the like. 

Be kind,  don't interrupt when she's speaking,  have good manners.  Don't blurt out foul language,  control your temper or frustration,  be a gentleman through and through.  People watch what you don't say and what you don't do.  Say "please" and "thank you" for anything.  Try to be consistently nice.  A lot of people may think it's not a big deal but it's a big deal. 

Have her get to know you as an honorable,  very decent human being.  In other words,  earn her respect in you and your relationship with her will thrive.  Good luck! 🙂

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 9/12/2023 at 4:41 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I think you are doing OK. And while I think there is no harm in asking for consent, think its a bit weird for stuff like holding hands or even a kiss. Those are some stuff that happen organically. For example my first girlfriend(we were 18 at the time) loved when I took her hand because it was colder outside and it warmed her up. Or when walking the street. Its something that you just do as boyfriend and girlfriend. Its not really a personal attack. You shouldnt really be, I dunno, "grabby" and try to maybe be "innapropriate" with her. Or "too pushy" for intimacy if she is not comfortable. But what you are asking is prrety basic stuff. You can hug her when you meet her, you can hold her hand or even put an arm around her when you walk together on the street. You can kiss her when there is an opportiunity for it. Heck, she even wants you to do stuff like that

So show some initiative next time and at least try to hold her hand or put an arm around her. Its Ok, its your first girlfriend so you should learn in time and be more comfortable with stuff like that.

Yeah well, we had a conversation about this, and she wants me to always ask for permission first. I am her first boyfriend, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 9/12/2023 at 5:13 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going well and she seems to like you. Perhaps she's shy or inexperienced, so take one step at a time. As far you romantic dates, maybe a place you can stroll around, hold hands etc. Like a park or zoo. Is this the same woman?:

Yes. She is my girlfriend now. I asked her on the fourth date and she said yes. Things are going good. She is getting more comfortable, but she still wants me to always ask first before holding hands, kissing etc.

 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 9/12/2023 at 9:20 AM, smackie9 said:

She has given you the green light, so you don't have to ask her if you can do this or that anymore....just do it. Over time things will smooth out once you two get used to things. Stop over thinking it.  

She still wants me to ask for permission before hand. Things are progressing, we are having longer kisses, she is getting more comfortable, but having to ask every time can get a little tiring.

[boltnrun]

If you're her first boyfriend who were these prior bad experiences with?

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you're her first boyfriend who were these prior bad experiences with?

Guys in general. In the past years guys would try to approach her only for sex. Some of them would pretend to like her, and others to be her friend. Whenever she said no, guys would try to push it, and verbally abuse her. That led her to believe that all men are bad. 

That's why she seemed shocked and surprised when I said I wanted to get to know her, and even when I asked her to be my girlfriend in person.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

Guys in general. In the past years guys would try to approach her only for sex. Some of them would pretend to like her, and others to be her friend. Whenever she said no, guys would try to push it, and verbally abuse her. That led her to believe that all men are bad. 

That's why she seemed shocked and surprised when I said I wanted to get to know her, and even when I asked her to be my girlfriend in person.

I’d be extremely wary of being with anyone who believes all men are bad. 

[boltnrun]

You haven't answered, how old are the two of you? 17? 18?

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You haven't answered, how old are the two of you? 17? 18?

She is about to be 21 and I am about to be 22.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

 I said I wanted to get to know her, and even when I asked her to be my girlfriend in person.

It seems to be going well. Are you two from  different cultures? She seems rather conservative or guarded. How old is she? It's ok to take it slow if you like her. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going well. Are you two from  different cultures? She seems rather conservative or guarded. How old is she? It's ok to take it slow if you like her. 

She is Mexican and was born and raised here in the US. I am Brazilian. I would say she is guarded yes. When we first started going out she would be very closed off. Now she is starting to open up a bit more. Before we didn't have deep conversations. Now we do. She never really touched me. Now she pokes me a lot. We have open communication and she said she tends to get more comfortable as time passes, and that now it's just too early. Oh and she is 20 about to turn 21. 

[smackie9]

Well you really don't have much of a choice. You are going to have to put up with this as long as it takes.