22 year relationship in trouble

[Tiff4850]

This may be long so please bear with me...

I have been with my husband 22 years - married 12. 

Over the last 7 months, we have just about come to the point of separating I believe.

It all started when his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. At the same time, my mental health declined rapidly (I was diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago and have been pretty level headed up to this point). It all came to a head when we were in the middle of doing the 'deed' and he asked me to get off and that he had no desire to be with me in that way. When questioned, he just kept saying he has a lot on his mind, work is stressful and that he doesn't feel I am there for him in regards to his father. He is a very emotionless man and had shown no signs of being upset. I listened to him when he spoke about it, was and am still very mindful to make sure we as a family are spending as much time as possible with him, he even took a two week holiday with him and our son to spend time with him. The only real example he could give me was that I got angry at him one morning when he spent the night drinking at his friends house and did not tell me he was not coming home and that I was in a bad mood while I had Covid and due to this he did not attend his best friend's 40th birthday party.

In the weeks after this, I ended up spending 6 weeks in a private mental hospital, against his wishes. He made this clear throughout the 6 weeks and was in no way supportive of me and what I was doing to get better - no phone calls, minimal contact, basically ignored me for 6 weeks which hurt.

Upon coming home, we have been civil but things were very tense. We argued a lot, barely spoke, were not sleeping in the same bed, etc. I have spoken to him many times about it but he just keeps saying he needs time to get over me not being there for him and being as he says 'a selfish ***' for the last six months. When I bring up moving forward, or needing some sort of intimacy (cuddling, time together, that sort of thing) he says no, he needs time and the more I pester him about it, the longer it is going to take.

I asked him during the week for a kiss which he replied 'eww no thank you' and walked away.

I have spent the last 7 months so very upset, feeling alone and unwanted.

My question is, do I walk away or is this just a hard time in our marriage and lives and wait it out. It is honestly breaking my heart.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Tiff4850 said:

I ended up spending 6 weeks in a private mental hospital, against his wishes. He made this clear throughout the 6 weeks and was in no way supportive of me and what I was doing to get better - 

Sorry this is happening. Do you have children? Do you have supportive friends and family nearby? Do you work? 

Please continue to take care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

Hopefully you are following up regularly with your physicians and have ongoing support from your therapist. 

What precipitated going for inpatient care and why was your husband not supportive? 

Does your husband have issues with problem drinking or anger in general? 

For now stay in separate rooms and focus on your health. Step back from him rather than asking for affection until you can sort things out with your therapist. Is your husband looking to separate? Would he be open to marriage therapy? 

[Coily]

8 hours ago, Tiff4850 said:

It all started when his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Ummm @Wiseman2 pretty clear when things started.

OP, your husband in my estimation is really struggling to come to terms with his father's impending death. While his reactions are not fair to you, he is probably going through absolute hell right now. Some people, unfortunately, will lash out at loved ones as a coping mechanism for their inner turmoil. He misinterpreted your needed mental health care as being abandoned on some level and is being a jerk about it.

He is in no way justified in his brutish behavior towards you; however, it's something for you to mull over as you navigate this situation. If there is in anyway you can help more with your father-in-law, see what you can do, this would probably be far more constructive than marriage counseling at this point.

 

 

[Andrina]

You call him an emotionless man. What do you find satisfying in your relationship, excepting this bad period in your relationship?

In normal times, how does he make you feel like the special person you are? Why did it take 12 years to make the leap into marriage? What do your friends and family think of him?

[catfeeder]

Given your own recent health issues, what kind of professional support are you receiving?

[Tiff4850]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you have children? Do you have supportive friends and family nearby? Do you work? 

Please continue to take care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

Hopefully you are following up regularly with your physicians and have ongoing support from your therapist. 

What precipitated going for inpatient care and why was your husband not supportive? 

Does your husband have issues with problem drinking or anger in general? 

For now stay in separate rooms and focus on your health. Step back from him rather than asking for affection until you can sort things out with your therapist. Is your husband looking to separate? Would he be open to marriage therapy? 

We have two teenage children together and I do have close friends for support.

I am doing all I can myself to keep my head above water mentally, it’s just this one elephant in the room keeping me from being happy. 

My husband did not want me to go to the mental health facility as it ‘was all too sudden’ and I didn’t take into consideration anyone else having to pick up the slack of running to household. He felt I was being selfish. 
 

I am trying to work on myself and give him the space he needs but it’s just so hurtful and I feel so alone. It’s hard also when he can’t really tell me what I have done to make him feel so little about me. 

[Tiff4850]

8 hours ago, Andrina said:

You call him an emotionless man. What do you find satisfying in your relationship, excepting this bad period in your relationship?

In normal times, how does he make you feel like the special person you are? Why did it take 12 years to make the leap into marriage? What do your friends and family think of him?

He isn’t the PDA type, he isn’t one to show too much emotion, is much more practical thinking. 
 

We started dating at 14, had two kids together and money was tight, hence waiting so long to get married. Having been together so long, his family is my family and vice versa, they think the world of him. I am a little more open to my friends about our issues and some are not ok with his attitude towards me, especially of late

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Given your own recent health issues, what kind of professional support are you receiving?

I am in therapy, see my physc and am medicated

[catfeeder]

Glad you’re seeing your own therapist. What kind of feedback do you get from therapist about how to handle this?

Since husband knows you’re already in therapy, you could try asking him if he’d be willing to go see a different therapist with you. Tell him you’d like his help with a therapist to help you learn how to become a better partner for him.

Approaching it from this angle could prevent him from viewing couples counseling as being ganged up on. He can even choose the therapist.

At first he might be unwilling, just to hold onto his jerk position. But that’s something you can raise when he complains, “My offer to work on this with someone who’s trained to help us still stands.”

Decide with your own therapist how long you’ll want to give him to either work with you or stop being a jerk. Have your therapist keep you accountable to your own deadline, and start creating a plan with your therapist for the steps you’ll need to take if you reach your deadline without any improvements.

My heart goes out to you. You don’t deserve to be mistreated.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tiff4850 said:

 My husband did not want me to go to the mental health facility as it ‘was all too sudden’ and I didn’t take into consideration anyone else having to pick up the slack of running to household. He felt I was being selfish. 

Unfortunately he does seem quite selfish. It's not your job to make him be less abusive or deal with his father. He's a grown man and there's hospice support everywhere.

Focus rather on your own well-being and your children and family. Distance yourself from his negativity.  He's incredibly insensitive if you needed urgent inpatient care and all he's worried about is the housekeeping. 

It's good you went for inpatient care. Your support system seems good so try to rely on that.

[Andrina]

You didn't answer how he, during the good periods, treats you as the special person you are. Does he take good care of you when you're ill? Does he make your life easier in any way, such as doing the chores you especially dislike? Does he buy you thoughtful gifts? Does he compliment you? If you ask for a back or foot rub, does he do so happily? Is your sex life good? Do you enjoy your discussions with him?

If none of these things, and he's just doing his part to provide shelter, perhaps you're too inexperienced in relationships to know this isn't an ideal way to live. He's the only guy you've ever been with. You didn't have the benefit of numerous dating experiences to know who was right for you and who isn't.

Now you know that when the times get tough, that he thinks solely of himself and punishes you verbally and in his actions (staying out all night without informing you).

His reasons for why he thinks you weren't a good partner during his stress with his father are ridiculous. It's like he's trying to create problems with you when likely the problem lies elsewhere. Is there a possibility he's having an affair?

If it were me, I would not continue to be with someone who treated me like a nuisance when I was in dire straits, hospitalized. I would expect the same from him for the future, if I had to be hospitalized with cancer, a broken hip, etc. A good watershed moment to realize who your partner truly is. I can't even fathom why you'd want a kiss from him after being treated like this, but again, you've been used to him being around since your early teens, so he's all you know.

Please know that if you choose to end this marriage, it's a chance to eventually find a more caring partner after mourning the end of an unsatisfactory marriage and healing. Don't consider what it will do to his family. You can still have a relationship with them, especially as his parents are the grandparents to your children. That happened to me when my first marriage ended, and I was still on good terms with my ex's family. And I'm an example that the next chapter of my life has been 100 percent happier. I eventually found a partner who is a million times better than the ex.

Take care and keep us updated.

[Lambert]

13 hours ago, Tiff4850 said:

My husband did not want me to go to the mental health facility as it ‘was all too sudden’ and I didn’t take into consideration anyone else having to pick up the slack of running to household. He felt I was being selfish

Mental health is health. Would he say this if you had a heart attack?

I'm sorry this is happening. 

I would not appreciate being treated this way and would probably want to leave. At least to make a stand that if he isn't going to treat me right, I'm not going to sit there and take it. 

Do you have the ability to leave? Can you talk to a lawyer? 

[SherrySher]

On 9/1/2023 at 12:11 AM, Tiff4850 said:

This may be long so please bear with me...

I have been with my husband 22 years - married 12. 

Over the last 7 months, we have just about come to the point of separating I believe.

It all started when his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. At the same time, my mental health declined rapidly (I was diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago and have been pretty level headed up to this point). It all came to a head when we were in the middle of doing the 'deed' and he asked me to get off and that he had no desire to be with me in that way. When questioned, he just kept saying he has a lot on his mind, work is stressful and that he doesn't feel I am there for him in regards to his father. He is a very emotionless man and had shown no signs of being upset. I listened to him when he spoke about it, was and am still very mindful to make sure we as a family are spending as much time as possible with him, he even took a two week holiday with him and our son to spend time with him. The only real example he could give me was that I got angry at him one morning when he spent the night drinking at his friends house and did not tell me he was not coming home and that I was in a bad mood while I had Covid and due to this he did not attend his best friend's 40th birthday party.

In the weeks after this, I ended up spending 6 weeks in a private mental hospital, against his wishes. He made this clear throughout the 6 weeks and was in no way supportive of me and what I was doing to get better - no phone calls, minimal contact, basically ignored me for 6 weeks which hurt.

Upon coming home, we have been civil but things were very tense. We argued a lot, barely spoke, were not sleeping in the same bed, etc. I have spoken to him many times about it but he just keeps saying he needs time to get over me not being there for him and being as he says 'a selfish ***' for the last six months. When I bring up moving forward, or needing some sort of intimacy (cuddling, time together, that sort of thing) he says no, he needs time and the more I pester him about it, the longer it is going to take.

I asked him during the week for a kiss which he replied 'eww no thank you' and walked away.

I have spent the last 7 months so very upset, feeling alone and unwanted.

My question is, do I walk away or is this just a hard time in our marriage and lives and wait it out. It is honestly breaking my heart.

Him having a hard time with his father doesn't suddenly give him the right to mentally and emotionally abuse you, or put you down, over and over.

It's okay for him to be down, or upset, or lost with his fathers diagnosis. It's not okay for him to direct his upset at you, and use you as his punching bag.

Furthermore, any person that knows you're in such a bad way as to ignore you the entire time you're in hospital, is a real cold hearted person who has zero love and respect for you.

It's time to end this relationship, let go and move on.

He is honestly just abusing you at this point.

[Wonderstruck]

13 hours ago, SherrySher said:

He is honestly just abusing you at this point.

This.

The deal-breaker for me would be when he said "Eww, no thank you" and walked away after you asked him for a kiss.

"Eww"?! He actually said "Eww" when you requested a kiss, as if he's physically repulsed by you?!

Nah, there is NO EXCUSE for that, no matter what he's going through in his life.

Please leave this emotionally abusive man.

[1a1a]

If you stay with someone who you have to beg for intimacy it will decimate your self esteem. 
 

For the years spent together it could be worth having a serious talk when both calm where you say you know he’s going through a lot and you want to support him but this situation with him acting like he’s repulsed by you will kill the relationship faster than you could ever nurture his trust and he needs to make a choice does he want to work on this together or call it quits because if his behaviour doesn’t change you will be gracefully bowing out. 
 

You could also skip it 

[SooSad33]

On 9/1/2023 at 2:11 AM, Tiff4850 said:

When questioned, he just kept saying he has a lot on his mind, work is stressful and that he doesn't feel I am there for him in regards to his father. He is a very emotionless man and had shown no signs of being upset.

Yeah, sadly, some men don't know how to 'show or explain' themselves.. then get offended when really we can't read their minds 😕 .  But, I feel you were there for him the best way possible.

I feel he's stressed out and his communications skills lack, hence the frustrations arising - which is really not fair on you 😞 .

I'd suggest you two try couple therapy?  And IF he says no to this, then do maybe consider removing yourself from this relationship.  Sorry you've seen no real support from him. 😕