Sort of a crush outside of my marriage

[Eva1223]

So here it goes. 
Been married for more than 10 years. 
I love my husband although our relationship has its own problems. 
I’m on the fence about having children or starting trying for them (in my early 30s). I’m not sure I want them tbh (yet) but I feel the age pressure coming from all sides and it’s not easy to navigate this as a woman. Also our sex life isn’t what it should have been, we are both aware of this - but with demanding jobs, and being together well - since forever -, life has become a routine. 
We do still love each other and make each other happy. 
I’ve been working on past project with a person (a man ofc, also married btw) who I have gotten close with. My husband is aware of our close relationship but doesn’t mind we chat a lot (he’s never been the jealous type). 
He’s almost 10 yrs older, much more experienced and I took him for a mentor. 
For sure i was attracted to his intelligence and knowledge, but also to him as a person. Nothing ever happened between us, not even a hug, but here is a thing. We aren’t working now anymore physically together as it was only for one project (he was outsourced temporarily), but we remained in touch, as friends. And i think our friendly relationship even grew stronger since we aren’t work colleagues anymore. We still chat almost daily, usually he starts, just asking about my day, exchange some work stuffs, we even have internal jokes now. Most of our chat is just joking, sending memes or talking business (but in a friendly way). We have never crossed any boundaries but our communication feels like « more ». He usually replies within seconds, he encourages me in my professional life and asks about it, he makes fun of things only he and I « get ». He has already come in to take me for lunch when he wasn’t in the area. And usually everytime he is, he will text me to meet up.
With that being said, we never talk much about our private lives. I do, but he doesn’t. 
I’m very well aware we could be just using each other as a distraction in our boring marriages, while maintaining boundaries, but I would like to manage my feeling before getting into too deep. And i worry I might get myself into trouble before I realize.
What’s your take on this? Am I overreacting? Do you think his intentions might be just friendly and Im overthinking here? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Eva1223 said:

  we never talk much about our private lives. I do, but he doesn’t. I’m very well aware we could be just using each other as a distraction in our boring marriages, 

Unfortunately it does seem like an escape and distraction. You mentioned he doesn't talk about his personal life. Is he in a "boring" marriage also? It seems as though you're concerned you're on a slippery slope to an emotional affair because you have a crush on him. If you're worried you could scale back the contact. 

[smackie9]

I understand there is a dopamine rush, a looking forward to chatting with them....it's the beginning of what would be dating because before you know it you will be having lunch together as "friends", then moving of to meeting for drinks, etc. Emotional affairs do start out innocently enough BUT when you know it feels like "more" you need to stop. You are already there trying to justify things in your head, the possibility of leaving your husband. It's getting to your head, so stepping back is best at this time. You have so much to lose, will be regret, and IMO it would be worth it to try and work on your marriage. Communication is key, to start things in the right direction. 

[Eva1223]

Thanks for feedback. 
i feel like it’s « more » because i find myself thinking about him a lot. Perhaps too much. 
For me, it’s an escape from my issues at home (especially the baby clock in my marriage). I’m very much aware of this. But then, I also question myself why I am so wary on the kids topic, why I don’t want them. 
It’s an escape to me, but I won’t jepardize my marriage, I don’t want to. And i couldn’t leave my husband for him - if i ever did, it would be for other reasons as mentioned above.
For him, I don’t know what the reason is. He never talks about his wife and he maybe mentioned her once or twice. I have no information about his marriage and I don’t want to start a topic he might not be comfortable to share with. I know about his kids though and he shared some other private stuff which shows he trusts me a lot, but nothing of his wife. 
While thinking about it, he might just take me as a friend or a confidant and I’m overworrying about this. 
Mind you, I can’t just write him off because he is a business contact and he can have a great influence on my career. So i just need to navigate this right i guess…

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Eva1223 said:

But then, I also question myself why I am so wary on the kids topic, why I don’t want them.

Because some of just...don't.  I don't either, and never really did. I generally like children, and find them to be both hilarious and charming - but I love not being responsible for one. I truly appreciate my freedom and independence, and to me, having a child would not be a joy but a burden. I can appreciate that many others feel the opposite, but Mom-life is not what I wanted. Little about that sounds appealing to me, while others strive for and thrive in that. Different strokes is all.

Is your husband pressuring you to have kids? 

 

[Eva1223]

@MissCanuck thanks for your reply. I’m really torn and struggle with figuring out if i generally don’t want kids or just not with my husband. It’s a very hurtful thing to even think about because he is a great person and i don’t want to pin this on him. I just don’t know why i am feeling this way when i have everything now to have kids - but i just don’t? Is it me or him - i don’t know and i feel like if it’s him, im losing my time. I am 34. 
My husband isn’t pressuring me into anything, i’m pressuring myself to figure out what i want…. So yeah, here this crush comes, an escape when i need it, i guess. 

[SooSad33]

30 minutes ago, Eva1223 said:

I have no information about his marriage and I don’t want to start a topic he might not be comfortable to share with. I know about his kids though and he shared some other private stuff which shows he trusts me a lot, but nothing of his wife. 
While thinking about it, he might just take me as a friend or a confidant and I’m overworrying about this. 
Mind you, I can’t just write him off because he is a business contact and he can have a great influence on my career. So i just need to navigate this right i guess…

It's maybe best you back off the constant interaction, for your own good.

Yes, I see this as a sort of 'escape; because of your old routine 'boring life', so why can't you change that?  Do you guy do things together? Do you go on vacay etc?  Date nights...

As for kids, never give into something like this just because you may feel some pressure from the outside.  You go there ONLY if you truly do want them.  By sounds of it, you don't really want any and that's fine.  Carry on.

As for this 'guy friend'.. as I said, tread carefully.  He IS married & with kids.  So, keep this as professional only. ( is often why we find friends of the same sex is best... so things don't cross the line with someone's 'yearnings' etc for the other).

 

Also, you went both ways re: this guys marriage.. so, not sure what it is.  But I will assume things for him is fine.  Let's leave it there 😉 . Respect.

See below:

37 minutes ago, Eva1223 said:

He never talks about his wife and he maybe mentioned her once or twice. I have no information about his marriage and I don’t want to start a topic he might not be comfortable to share with.

 

1 hour ago, Eva1223 said:

’m very well aware we could be just using each other as a distraction in our boring marriages, while maintaining boundaries, but I would like to manage my feeling before getting into too deep.

You are only assuming things here.

You admit you really don't know anything about his personal life.... but then you say that you could both be using each other as a 'distraction in your boring marriages'.

I don't think this is it.  You're maybe speaking on your own behalf.  Don't be 'assuming' anything re: his.  

 

As I said, maybe it's best to distance yourself to be able to focus more on your own life & relationship and not be in any position of assuming anything.  You leave him to his marriage and keep things cordial.  Speak only when necessary, about work.

 

[Eva1223]

@SooSad33 you are right, i am speaking only about myself, i have no idea about his situation nor intention. I will back off more, but mind you, it’s usually him texting me first (almost daily), not me. And when he does text me, it’s to share some work stuff (which isn’t important), or an article, but he always finds some bits to start convos and then it goes from there… 

it’s just all very subtle and innocent, but yeah, bit too much. 

[bluecastle]

From what you've written, the issue really doesn't seem to have anything to do with this guy so much as what this guy offers a distraction from: questions about your marriage, questions about motherhood, the existential stuff of life. 

Curious: Do you and your husband talk about kids? Are you able to talk to him, for instance, the way you're talking here, expressing confusion and ambivalence? Asking just to get a sense of how much of this you're keeping inside vs sharing. When big things aren't shared—even hard things, with no clear answers—intimacy diminishes. And it's when that erodes that otherwise friendly and above-board connections can veer into crush territory. 

I'm also curious about this...

45 minutes ago, Eva1223 said:

I’m really torn and struggle with figuring out if i generally don’t want kids or just not with my husband.

I get that it's a hard thing to even think about, but it's also a very human thing. What I hear—and I could certainly be wrong, so just offering this as a kind of foothold—is that you're longing for something more in your relationship right now. That's also human, and from on angle invites a question to explore: What is that something, exactly, and can you commit to spending some time to see if you can find it with your husband, together? 

 

[SooSad33]

31 minutes ago, Eva1223 said:

you are right, i am speaking only about myself, i have no idea about his situation nor intention. I will back off more, but mind you, it’s usually him texting me first (almost daily), not me. And when he does text me, it’s to share some work stuff (which isn’t important), or an article, but he always finds some bits to start convos and then it goes from there… 

it’s just all very subtle and innocent, but yeah, bit too much. 

Okay, but I guess the point here is you.  It;s what YOU are admitting to. ( a 'crush' on this guy).

Than isn't it is best for you & your marriage to stop all of this interaction if it's affecting you?

I asked you about your own relationship & you never answered.  Do you guys do date nights or vacay together on occasion?  Isn't it your own relationship you want to focus on & fix? ( because in reality. this other man is NOT available to you in any way -so this 'fantasy' you're going through isn't reality).

Then, for your own good, it is best to deal with him as minimally as possible. Are these messages necessary?  Can you not just ask him to email you because you're busy etc? 

[Eva1223]

@bluecastle all valid points. 

We actually think about future and kids, and we talk about it. He knows i’m on the fence about it but gives me space and peace. That’s just how he is - he is a very laid back guy, he doesn’t stress much about things (which could be worth stressing about sometimes). He will never dig into stuff or bring out topics I don’t want. 
There is a lack of emotional intimacy too, but because we are very different - i am needy in this area and he isn’t. We’ve talked about this too. 
He can be happy with a little and he adapts to whatever I want. As a person, he isn’t very « deep » and it’s something i’ve been missing since the beginning, but sort of accepted. I blame it on his father, he was very strict and he was brought up with « be a man, never cry, never show emotions ». 

However, besides that, i do believe me and my husband communicate a lot and spend quality time together. We enjoy the same things like cooking, travelling, biking etc. I don’t feel like our marriage is bad because there is a lot of love, respect, laugh - but i do think sometimes we aren’t aligned emotionally. 

And yes, i do question many times if he is the right man for me. He is good to me, but does this alone makes him right? I don’t know if this is the reason i don’t want babies - or just because i never really liked children much.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Eva1223 said:

And yes, i do question many times if he is the right man for me

A sincere question: why did you decide to get married? 

[Eva1223]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, but I guess the point here is you.  It;s what YOU are admitting to. ( a 'crush' on this guy).

Than isn't it is best for you & your marriage to stop all of this interaction if it's affecting you?

I asked you about your own relationship & you never answered.  Do you guys do date nights or vacay together on occasion?  Isn't it your own relationship you want to focus on & fix? ( because in reality. this other man is NOT available to you in any way -so this 'fantasy' you're going through isn't reality).

Then, for your own good, it is best to deal with him as minimally as possible. Are these messages necessary?  Can you not just ask him to email you because you're busy etc? 

Yes, i’ve just posted about my relationship. 
No, none of the messages are necessary tbh, it’s just chit chat and nothing inappropriate tbh. But i guess in my mind, they were an escape from the reality i should face…and some answers to the questions inside my marriage i need to find. 

[Eva1223]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

A sincere question: why did you decide to get married? 

A very honest answer: i love my husband, and i still do. 
after 10+ years, he makes me laugh, i feel safe with him. He is my person number one. Noone i can rely on more than him. He’s never let me down and i trust him 110%. 
but yes, we face issues because i face the mid 30s pressure and all minor issues we had have now become big issues. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Eva1223 said:

i feel safe with him. He is my person number one. Noone i can rely on more than him. He’s never let me down and i trust him 110%. 

But yet, you question if he is right for you. 

You say emotional intimacy is missing - what do you mean by that? He is not expressive with how he feels about you, or..? 

How is your romantic intimacy? 

[Eva1223]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

But yet, you question if he is right for you. 

You say emotional intimacy is missing - what do you mean by that? He is not expressive with how he feels about you, or..? 

How is your romantic intimacy? 

I question because in my mind I think I maybe would have wanted to become a mother by now, if he was the right guy for me? 
Ugh. This is hard. 
Yeah, I am emotionally very needy and I enjoy deep talks, tender moments, romantic gestures… he is a bit dry in this area and always have been. 
I’ve accepted that because he has so many other qualities i value..i mean, noone is perfect, but i do feel a need inside of me which isn’t satisfied. 
Maybe this is why I went along texting with this guy… 

[bluecastle]

6 minutes ago, Eva1223 said:

Ugh. This is hard. 

Hard indeed. 

If you were a close friend, here's the advice I'd give: Commit, right now, to spending the next 6 months exploring if and how you can find true comfort in your marriage.

What's that look like? One, it looks like putting some distance between you and this guy, so he's not serving as greener grass on which to plant the seeds of your angst and watch them grow. Two, it looks like rearranging the marital furniture, so to speak, which is to say trying something new and different in order to see if there's room for your dynamic with your husband to expand.

Maybe that's something small and goofy, like playing a game where you each write down 5 personal questions and answer them over a glass of wine. Or maybe it's something like saying you feel a bit lost, and want to talk with a counselor together. Mixed in with that maybe it's something saucy, along the lines of taking something that exists in your imagination and willing into reality for 45 minutes. Maybe it's all of the above or none of the above—your thirst, your call. 

The goal of all this isn't to stay together, or "save the marriage," so much as it is for you to know that you've explored every nook there is to explore. That knowledge will, at the very least, help shade in a lot of the spaces that, right now, are murky in your mind and heart. It will also give you the peace of mind of knowing, wherever this goes, that you were the kind of committed partner you clearly want to be in the world. 

More than the issue of kids, or this new friend, it seems you need to find a clear answer to the question of whether you and your husband can still grow closer, or if you're growing apart, if what seemed like things you could accept a decade ago have shown themselves to be core needs. I personally am of the mind that, sad as it is to grow apart from someone, it's sadder to pretend otherwise when that's the case.

But as big fan of depths myself, I also believe there are almost always more to explore than we know, even with those we've spent a decade with, so I say start there.  

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Eva1223 said:

We aren’t working now anymore physically together as it was only for one project (he was outsourced temporarily), but we remained in touch, as friends. And i think our friendly relationship even grew stronger since we aren’t work colleagues anymore. We still chat almost daily, usually he starts, just asking about my day, exchange some work stuffs, we even have internal jokes now. Most of our chat is just joking, sending memes or talking business (but in a friendly way). We have never crossed any boundaries but our communication feels like « more ». He usually replies within seconds, he encourages me in my professional life and asks about it, he makes fun of things only he and I « get ». He has already come in to take me for lunch when he wasn’t in the area. And usually everytime he is, he will text me to meet up.

But you have crossed boundaries:

Chatting every day when your communication feels like << more >>, is crossing a boundary. There's no reason to do that except that you want to feel the << more >>. 

Meeting up when your communication feels like << more >>, is also crossing a boundary for the same reasons.

If you're seeking opportunities to feel more << more >> with him, your in danger of doing <<more>> with him.

[Eva1223]

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

But you have crossed boundaries:

Chatting every day when your communication feels like << more >>, is crossing a boundary. There's no reason to do that except that you want to feel the << more >>. 

Meeting up when your communication feels like << more >>, is also crossing a boundary for the same reasons.

If you're seeking opportunities to feel more << more >> with him, your in danger of doing <<more>> with him.

I totally get what you are saying but what i actually meant was I never crossed any physical boundaries and there never has been anything said or done inappropriate from either side. 
Emotionally being invested (thinking about him for example), from my side, that’s another thing. But I think I just filled the gap with him because emotional depth was missing in my life. It isn’t about him necessarily, it was about my needs not being met (which makes me reflect on my marriage altogether, from A to Z). 
not sure if that makes sense… 

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A sincere question: why did you decide to get married? 

And also my follow up - what did you two discussed about having kids before you got married?  I started wanting to be a mom when I was a child. I waited for the right man and right relationship which meant I didn’t start trying until we were 41.  We discussed our goals from the very beginning. We both wanted a child 110%.  And - I feel so strongly that unless you both want a child that much at least - it’s not fair to the child. Our son is 14. All the time and energy and sleep deprivation and blood sweat and tears - all worth it. No question. No regrets. I won the lottery. And at the same time I’d never ever recommend this life this job to anyone who wasn’t totally into being a parent and acting in the best interests of a child.

Meaning that should be the ultimate focus not “I want a kid”. What you want - is important - but only if you want with your heart and soul to parent a child so you can act in that child’s best interests. 
I would be shocked if you two didn’t discuss this before marriage but some don’t and some change their minds. 
Had I had the opportunity- according to my personal standards I’d have tried many years earlier.  Emotionally and psychologically it was hard being a geriatric pregnant woman. Scary!  So you’re not too old at all just all else equal if you don’t want kids with all your heart and don’t think you’ll change your mind - don’t - alternatively look into egg freezing. I didn’t have that opportunity at your age because of technology and scientific advancements not quite being there yet but I for sure would have if I cooks have. Good luck. 

[Andrina]

Because of your lack of a satisfying emotional connection with your husband, you've allowed yourself to be drawn into an emotional affair, whether it be one-sided or not. When taken, someone you share chemistry with, like a co-worker, is exactly the person you have to be extra careful with and keep your mindset at: He's just another co-worker. 

And just because your husband is okay with your colleague friendship, doesn't mean this friendship should continue. If he knew what was going on in your brain about your co-worker, he wouldn't be okay with your friendship, unless he's totally checked out and doesn't care if you divorce. 

What you've started needs to go in reverse. That means no more meeting for meals inside or outside of work. It means only talking about work and no more about personal lives. Because you two have become so close, I'm afraid you should have the awkward task of having a talk with him so that he's not questioning your change in behavior. What would I say in your shoes? "I have to talk to you about something awkward but important. My husband and I are working on our marriage, and I've found that having a close male friend co-worker is crossing boundaries in my situation. I have to pour all my emotional energy into him to fix things, so I have a favor to ask. Let's keep our communication solely on work. Thanks for understanding."

As another poster suggested, pull out all the stops--counseling, reading up on injecting a spark back into the relationship, and applying the advice. If you give this a good year and you're still not feeling it, then yes, you've probably outgrown the relationship.

As for your husband, be concrete on what you want from him, instead of being vague. Such as, instead of saying you'd like more affection from him, a more concrete request would be: I'd like you to sit by me on the couch while we watch XYZ show and caress my hair. Though it's not very satisfying to ask for this, and it might at first feel robotic, know if he does he cares and wants to please you, and then it might eventually feel more natural.

Even if you did leave your husband, it doesn't mean you should jump into something else. You should be alone a good year and find out who you are as a single person, especially since you began this relationship as a very young adult. And even if this co-worker became single doesn't mean he'd be the ideal partner even though you two get along. Do you really think his wife would be happy if she knew the extent of his friendship with you? 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Eva1223]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

And also my follow up - what did you two discussed about having kids before you got married?  I started wanting to be a mom when I was a child. I waited for the right man and right relationship which meant I didn’t start trying until we were 41.  We discussed our goals from the very beginning. We both wanted a child 110%.  And - I feel so strongly that unless you both want a child that much at least - it’s not fair to the child. Our son is 14. All the time and energy and sleep deprivation and blood sweat and tears - all worth it. No question. No regrets. I won the lottery. And at the same time I’d never ever recommend this life this job to anyone who wasn’t totally into being a parent and acting in the best interests of a child.

Meaning that should be the ultimate focus not “I want a kid”. What you want - is important - but only if you want with your heart and soul to parent a child so you can act in that child’s best interests. 
I would be shocked if you two didn’t discuss this before marriage but some don’t and some change their minds. 
Had I had the opportunity- according to my personal standards I’d have tried many years earlier.  Emotionally and psychologically it was hard being a geriatric pregnant woman. Scary!  So you’re not too old at all just all else equal if you don’t want kids with all your heart and don’t think you’ll change your mind - don’t - alternatively look into egg freezing. I didn’t have that opportunity at your age because of technology and scientific advancements not quite being there yet but I for sure would have if I cooks have. Good luck. 

So, just to add the info that we were together for 4 years before we married. 
Yes, this topic was discussed. 
I’ve never been one of those women who just dreamt of being a mother, I wanted a career first. I thought of myself as having one child, but later in my life and I was convinced this motherly instict would eventually kick in. 
He also wasn’t / isn’t very big on kids, but would want one. But he’d never pressure me if i didn’t want. 
With years passing by, I felt social pressure on this topic from others which annoys me and also puts our marriage under pressure - and i thought with years i’d want to have them - but it doesn’t happen. I’m trying to figure out why but it’s hard.

[Eva1223]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Because of your lack of a satisfying emotional connection with your husband, you've allowed yourself to be drawn into an emotional affair, whether it be one-sided or not. When taken, someone you share chemistry with, like a co-worker, is exactly the person you have to be extra careful with and keep your mindset at: He's just another co-worker. 

And just because your husband is okay with your colleague friendship, doesn't mean this friendship should continue. If he knew what was going on in your brain about your co-worker, he wouldn't be okay with your friendship, unless he's totally checked out and doesn't care if you divorce. 

What you've started needs to go in reverse. That means no more meeting for meals inside or outside of work. It means only talking about work and no more about personal lives. Because you two have become so close, I'm afraid you should have the awkward task of having a talk with him so that he's not questioning your change in behavior. What would I say in your shoes? "I have to talk to you about something awkward but important. My husband and I are working on our marriage, and I've found that having a close male friend co-worker is crossing boundaries in my situation. I have to pour all my emotional energy into him to fix things, so I have a favor to ask. Let's keep our communication solely on work. Thanks for understanding."

As another poster suggested, pull out all the stops--counseling, reading up on injecting a spark back into the relationship, and applying the advice. If you give this a good year and you're still not feeling it, then yes, you've probably outgrown the relationship.

As for your husband, be concrete on what you want from him, instead of being vague. Such as, instead of saying you'd like more affection from him, a more concrete request would be: I'd like you to sit by me on the couch while we watch XYZ show and caress my hair. Though it's not very satisfying to ask for this, and it might at first feel robotic, know if he does he cares and wants to please you, and then it might eventually feel more natural.

Even if you did leave your husband, it doesn't mean you should jump into something else. You should be alone a good year and find out who you are as a single person, especially since you began this relationship as a very young adult. And even if this co-worker became single doesn't mean he'd be the ideal partner even though you two get along. Do you really think his wife would be happy if she knew the extent of his friendship with you? 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I think that’s a lot calling it an emotional affair. I don’t think this is what it is (or ever was) but yes, could potentially become eventually over time. 
I’m not justifying my actions here, but i think crushes can happen while married and i think in long marriages especially it does happen, but one should not act on it. I don’t think i’m acting on it. 
People, also married, can be attracted to other people and can develop a liking towards someone closer. We are human!
Yes, i did start thinking about him randomly, in my mind, it’s because i wanted an escape from hard life questions i need to face. That however doesn’t mean i’d jump into something with him, even if offered. 
it’s new to me because there never was another guy in 14 years… and now, i let him closer, most probably because there is a crack in my marriage. 
I realize all of that - but i don’t think emotional affair is the right label. My brain reacts the way it does and that’s just out of my power to control. What is in my control, is to work on my marriage more. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Eva1223 said:

So, just to add the info that we were together for 4 years before we married. 
Yes, this topic was discussed. 
I’ve never been one of those women who just dreamt of being a mother, I wanted a career first. I thought of myself as having one child, but later in my life and I was convinced this motherly instict would eventually kick in. 
He also wasn’t / isn’t very big on kids, but would want one. But he’d never pressure me if i didn’t want. 
With years passing by, I felt social pressure on this topic from others which annoys me and also puts our marriage under pressure - and i thought with years i’d want to have them - but it doesn’t happen. I’m trying to figure out why but it’s hard.

I had a very intense and extremely rewarding and tough career for 15 years before I got married and I also knew I wanted both and that I would want to be home much longer than maternity leave so having all those professional years behind me prior to motherhood was great for my resume and financially.  

Why can't it be "I don't want to be a mother" -full stop?? I have no desire to be -- gay, or a pilot, or an entrepreneur - and I was perfectly thrilled with one child although if I'd been able we'd have tried for a second (we didn't want to adopt) - I also have no desire to be a dog owner.  I'd stop searching for why and accept -and it's ok!

[NighttimeNightmare]

Just chiming in as a childfree guy in his 30s: do not make the mistake of having them because of “societal pressure,” you either want them or you don’t.   I never did, so I never had them. 
 

it’s increasingly common as well, as more people realize they have a choice, that women aren’t just brood mares.  There’s actually message boards that are devoted to parents venting their regret of having children after feeling pressured by their spouse or society. Don’t be one of those people.