Eva1223

Yes, unfortunately i am still stuck in this situation.

I’ve been at my previous company for 2 years. When my boss left to manage a better company in the same field, I left shortly after him. He offered me a very good position and it felt like a natural step to be working with him again. We’ve always had a very special and close relationship - unlike one I’ve ever had with anyone at work. He is married with 2 children, around 10 yrs older than me. We never talked much about our personal lives - but we’ve talked loads about business, life, thoughts, dreams etc. No lines have ever been crossed. I’d say we get along very well but there was something I noticed lately - just how available he is to me. Too much? So, like i said, a few months after him, i also quit my job. He was very involved in the whole process, encouraging me and checking in almost daily. The day I did quit, he came to my work to take me to lunch, we talked mostly about how my notice went and how i feel. Then i got back to work and was stranded by some colleagues who I don’t like etc. So I needed support and asked him to call me. Well - he did call me while en route from his job, we ended up talking for an hour. And here is the thing - I noticed he stopped driving and parked his car at home but continued to talk to me and didn’t leave his car. After a while I heard he’s been parked but didn’t tell me he needs to go, so I did. So all of this makes me wonder now… i know i lean too much on him for advice but he is there and we bond too much. i have 0 daddy issues if someone feels this way, it’s not about that. I just feel good around him and the feeling is mutual. What are your thoughts on this? Is all of that OK?

Actually it would kill me. my husband is a very patient, faithful and honest man. I have no doubt. He never hid anything from me. knowing he has a crush on someone or if he cheats me, i would be devastated. also in case we broke up, i could never imagine in my head him with another woman. I am overly possesive about him. I know that’s a bit of a double standard, i know, but it’s how i feel. And in a way, im happy i feel this way after so many years together… shows i care. on the other hand - i wish he’d be more possesive or jealous over me sometimes. I feel like he takes me for granted. He never felt threatened by anyone (even joked « noone would tolerate you anyway »). even today, i said to him many men looked at me in a new dress on the street, just to get some reaction out and he couldn’t care less. sometimes, i feel like his indifference is pushing me to provoke him even more and i know i shouldn’t do this, it isn’t fair to him, but i’d like a bit more drama or energy in my marriage. I feel like we are just existing, sometimes passionless, and there is no « she is mine » feeling. Of course he’d never condone cheating, but he has this trust, which i cherish and doesn’t care about me flirting or being sexy as long as i don’t do something physically.

Yeah i think this marriage needs much more clarity, this guy is just a consequence of my confusion about what I want in my life. It’s hard being a married childless woman in mid 30s - societal pressure is constant, not just for kids, also for my career that i’ve invested 18 years of education in. So much is expected of me, to deliver. Anyway, i didn’t hear from this guy for the weekend, which is good, kinda cooled of a bit my feelings and i focused solely on my husband. after 14 years together, and alone in one flat, it can be sometimes a challenge to keep the spark alive, like in any marriage. and when it’s boring and i’m bored, that’s when my mind wonders. To him. Ugh, i hate this…

You got me all thinking about this emotional affair, is it or is it not, and yeah you are right, it most probably is. we went to lunch today because he was nearby and texted. Still 90% of the talk was work related and nothing inappropriate, but i could feel the spark and chemistry between us in his smile alone. We enjoyed each other company and that’s what it was. Perhaps a bit too much, i don’t know. and i went today because i wanted to « test » the waters, to really evaluate if i’m overreacting on this or not. I will cut him off now that i figured this out, but it shocked me to see for myself what i felt while i was with him, as if i had a bug in my stomach. I felt a bit nervous. It scared me enough to back off. No judgement please

I think that’s a lot calling it an emotional affair. I don’t think this is what it is (or ever was) but yes, could potentially become eventually over time. I’m not justifying my actions here, but i think crushes can happen while married and i think in long marriages especially it does happen, but one should not act on it. I don’t think i’m acting on it. People, also married, can be attracted to other people and can develop a liking towards someone closer. We are human! Yes, i did start thinking about him randomly, in my mind, it’s because i wanted an escape from hard life questions i need to face. That however doesn’t mean i’d jump into something with him, even if offered. it’s new to me because there never was another guy in 14 years… and now, i let him closer, most probably because there is a crack in my marriage. I realize all of that - but i don’t think emotional affair is the right label. My brain reacts the way it does and that’s just out of my power to control. What is in my control, is to work on my marriage more.

So, just to add the info that we were together for 4 years before we married. Yes, this topic was discussed. I’ve never been one of those women who just dreamt of being a mother, I wanted a career first. I thought of myself as having one child, but later in my life and I was convinced this motherly instict would eventually kick in. He also wasn’t / isn’t very big on kids, but would want one. But he’d never pressure me if i didn’t want. With years passing by, I felt social pressure on this topic from others which annoys me and also puts our marriage under pressure - and i thought with years i’d want to have them - but it doesn’t happen. I’m trying to figure out why but it’s hard.

I totally get what you are saying but what i actually meant was I never crossed any physical boundaries and there never has been anything said or done inappropriate from either side. Emotionally being invested (thinking about him for example), from my side, that’s another thing. But I think I just filled the gap with him because emotional depth was missing in my life. It isn’t about him necessarily, it was about my needs not being met (which makes me reflect on my marriage altogether, from A to Z). not sure if that makes sense…

I question because in my mind I think I maybe would have wanted to become a mother by now, if he was the right guy for me? Ugh. This is hard. Yeah, I am emotionally very needy and I enjoy deep talks, tender moments, romantic gestures… he is a bit dry in this area and always have been. I’ve accepted that because he has so many other qualities i value..i mean, noone is perfect, but i do feel a need inside of me which isn’t satisfied. Maybe this is why I went along texting with this guy…

A very honest answer: i love my husband, and i still do. after 10+ years, he makes me laugh, i feel safe with him. He is my person number one. Noone i can rely on more than him. He’s never let me down and i trust him 110%. but yes, we face issues because i face the mid 30s pressure and all minor issues we had have now become big issues.

Yes, i’ve just posted about my relationship. No, none of the messages are necessary tbh, it’s just chit chat and nothing inappropriate tbh. But i guess in my mind, they were an escape from the reality i should face…and some answers to the questions inside my marriage i need to find.

@bluecastle all valid points. We actually think about future and kids, and we talk about it. He knows i’m on the fence about it but gives me space and peace. That’s just how he is - he is a very laid back guy, he doesn’t stress much about things (which could be worth stressing about sometimes). He will never dig into stuff or bring out topics I don’t want. There is a lack of emotional intimacy too, but because we are very different - i am needy in this area and he isn’t. We’ve talked about this too. He can be happy with a little and he adapts to whatever I want. As a person, he isn’t very « deep » and it’s something i’ve been missing since the beginning, but sort of accepted. I blame it on his father, he was very strict and he was brought up with « be a man, never cry, never show emotions ». However, besides that, i do believe me and my husband communicate a lot and spend quality time together. We enjoy the same things like cooking, travelling, biking etc. I don’t feel like our marriage is bad because there is a lot of love, respect, laugh - but i do think sometimes we aren’t aligned emotionally. And yes, i do question many times if he is the right man for me. He is good to me, but does this alone makes him right? I don’t know if this is the reason i don’t want babies - or just because i never really liked children much.

@SooSad33 you are right, i am speaking only about myself, i have no idea about his situation nor intention. I will back off more, but mind you, it’s usually him texting me first (almost daily), not me. And when he does text me, it’s to share some work stuff (which isn’t important), or an article, but he always finds some bits to start convos and then it goes from there… it’s just all very subtle and innocent, but yeah, bit too much.

@MissCanuck thanks for your reply. I’m really torn and struggle with figuring out if i generally don’t want kids or just not with my husband. It’s a very hurtful thing to even think about because he is a great person and i don’t want to pin this on him. I just don’t know why i am feeling this way when i have everything now to have kids - but i just don’t? Is it me or him - i don’t know and i feel like if it’s him, im losing my time. I am 34. My husband isn’t pressuring me into anything, i’m pressuring myself to figure out what i want…. So yeah, here this crush comes, an escape when i need it, i guess.

Thanks for feedback. i feel like it’s « more » because i find myself thinking about him a lot. Perhaps too much. For me, it’s an escape from my issues at home (especially the baby clock in my marriage). I’m very much aware of this. But then, I also question myself why I am so wary on the kids topic, why I don’t want them. It’s an escape to me, but I won’t jepardize my marriage, I don’t want to. And i couldn’t leave my husband for him - if i ever did, it would be for other reasons as mentioned above. For him, I don’t know what the reason is. He never talks about his wife and he maybe mentioned her once or twice. I have no information about his marriage and I don’t want to start a topic he might not be comfortable to share with. I know about his kids though and he shared some other private stuff which shows he trusts me a lot, but nothing of his wife. While thinking about it, he might just take me as a friend or a confidant and I’m overworrying about this. Mind you, I can’t just write him off because he is a business contact and he can have a great influence on my career. So i just need to navigate this right i guess…