An arresting crush?

[patientlips]

Two years ago, a policeman helped me (a female) escape a scary domestic abuse situation. While he was very hands-on during my case (providing me guidance, following up with me, and checking in on me), we stopped communicating once he had provided all the assistance he could with my situation. I rebuilt my life and moved onward. I would often think of him with great gratitude for his support, nothing more.

Two months ago, the officer randomly showed up at my door. He said he had missed hearing from me and wanted to know how I was doing. He said he had been passing by my home weekly for the past two years, to make sure I was safe. (I had been stalked and he had promised to look out for me so I found this touching, not creepy.) We had an extremely pleasant chat, catching up on our lives since then, for maybe 20 minutes. It was very personal with lots of smiles and laughter -- not like serious police business. He said to contact him anytime, and that was that.

Or so I thought for maybe a minute. When I closed the door, I realized -- suddenly -- that I had felt really ridiculously happy to see him. Like ... over the moon happy. My heart felt huge in my chest. I was probably grinning like a total dork for hours. And just like that ... I had my first crush as a middle-aged woman who pretty much promised herself to never feel anything for a man again. (I went through a scary hell trying to break up with my abusive ex.)

So after about a month of daydreaming about him, I worked up the courage to call him. I wanted to see him again so badly, this policeman whose laughter was like the chorus of a thousand angels and whose smile was more exquisite than the most beautiful sunrise. 

He agreed to meet up and when we did, I was so nervous I couldn't even look at him. I just blushed and looked at the ground. I felt like I was 14 again and trying to talk to a guy for the first time ever. But nonetheless I managed to profusely thank him for helping me those years ago, and I gave him a little heart-shaped stone I had and told him he had a piece of my heart forever. He said he loved it and seemed touched and not scared or grossed out by me.

Then, because he was working, he got called away. He said he had to go. He looked at me and said: "That's it?" I may have nodded dumbly because I was so overwhelmed by him. We hugged and he surprised me and gave me a lingering kiss on my cheek. As I turned to walk away, he said: "Stay out of trouble, ok?" I looked back and smiled at him and said, "I promise." Looking at him finally, it felt like my heart was going to explode.

That was a month ago. I have heard nothing from him since, but he crosses my mind daily. 

My question is this: Could it be possible that he likes me, too? Or am I just reading too far into professional kindness? Am I just an abused and used-up woman just desperate for a man to treat her kindly and gently and looking for meaning and connection where there is none?

[catfeeder]

I’d be careful about assigning an either/or question that can only have one of two extremes as an answer, that he either likes me or I’m a desperate used up worm.

It’s possible to like someone in a caring way without that being meaningless unless it’s a romance.

 I think it’s wonderful that this experience has enlivened a part of you that had been shut down. Consider ways to inspire yourself to explore that beyond a single minded focus on this one man.

Credit the man for knowing how to reach you, and if he has not, then respect that he may have any number of reasons for that, which likely have nothing to do with you or your desirability. So I’d avoid tanking yourself with the used-up crap, because that’s poison.

 

[Kwothe28]

I think if he wanted something more he would have contacted you in a month and call you out for drinks or coffee. And that him being concerned about you is purely from professional point. 

[Wiseman2]

Was he on duty/in uniform during these chats and get togethers? 

It seems he cares about you, but it's doubtful he's trying to start anything romantic. 

[Andrina]

When he agreed to meet up with you, he could have chosen to meet when he was off-duty, which he did not. To me that speaks volumes. I don't know the legalities in regards to his profession, but it might be similar to a psychiatrist not being able to date his patient. It could be a big no-no under these circumstances.

If you feel mentally ready to date, I suggest joining some Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. It's a lot less stressful than OLD.  Take care.

[smackie9]

He was like a knight in shining armor....stop being enamored. You were and still are vulnerable from your past situation. Of course he looks very good to you. Stop focusing on him, it's just the dopamine getting you all fluttered heart. You have a new lease on life, focus on YOU, and where you take yourself from here. 

[SooSad33]

I agree, YOU are overly flattered and looked UP to him, for his work and situation you were in.

You've shown your appreciation, now if you feel up to it, consider joining a dating site for dates and let him keep on with his job.

[MissCanuck]

I think he realized he was walking a fine line by hugging and kissing you on the cheek, and has gone silent so as not to send any more mixed signals. 

His job could be compromised if word gets out that he got a little too friendly with a woman he helped out of an abusive situation.

I would acknowledge to yourself that you have a crush but that it will (and needs to) pass. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Probably frowned upon for anything serious to happen 

[spinstermanquee]

On 8/10/2023 at 11:33 PM, catfeeder said:

 I think it’s wonderful that this experience has enlivened a part of you that had been shut down.

Patientlips, I am so happy you got out of that situation.  And so happy that the kind policeperson helped you and even followed up.  I actually teared up over your story, it gives me so much joy to hear about kindness between humans and folks going above and beyond in their job duties.  Hate and strife are broadcast daily in our radar and I personally crave more of these stories.

To paraphrase catfeeder, feelings you haven't had in a while are awakening.  YAY!  You now have a new baseline of how you want to be treated.  I hope you will accept no less than the level of kindness and care demonstrated by the policeman from any person, and most especially from a romantic partner.  Patientlips 2.0 will never accept abuse again!  Hugs (((( ))))

[patientlips]

All -- Thank you for your thoughtful responses. It's good to know I was imagining he liked me.

Maybe it was just wishful thinking that someone as kind and considerate as him could be attracted to me.

Now I have to work on getting over the total humiliation over embarassing myself by giving him a gift! He must think I'm such a loser. Oh well.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, patientlips said:

 the total humiliation over embarassing myself by giving him a gift! 

The gift is fine. He helped you out of a bad situation and cared about you. However as far as pursuing something romantic, this isn't the right situation. 

[spinstermanquee]

Patientlips, I have been quite fortunate in my life to have been "rescued" from some dicey situations by someone.  I totally get the "transference" aspect of you getting a little crush.  Sometimes people develop crushes on their doctors, firemen, hair stylists, grocery baggers, etc. after an experience leaves them bonded/with history.  When you get a glimpse of the inside of the person.

Regarding the spectrum of "winner to loser" which seems to meet your metric, I would probably place you around 80% winner.  No one is a loser for accepting help from others.  It's part of being a smart human, to know when you need help, part of being an even smarter one is to ask for it!

PS - I am sure he appreciated the gift and how lovely of you to proffer it

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, patientlips said:

All -- Thank you for your thoughtful responses. It's good to know I was imagining he liked me.

Maybe it was just wishful thinking that someone as kind and considerate as him could be attracted to me.

Now I have to work on getting over the total humiliation over embarassing myself by giving him a gift! He must think I'm such a loser. Oh well.

The gift was a lovely gesture. If you've ever done a good deed for someone, you can appreciate why they may want to offer you a token that represents their gratitude and would remind you of your own kindness.

Again, you tank yourself with an all-or-nothing 'loser' assumption. Why is THAT what you take from having done something nice for another?

This is the kind of self talk that not only will keep you miserable, it will seep out sideways to others and make them feel uncomfortable about you--and possibly avoid you.

Instead, use the inspiration you felt from this experience as a guidepost to shoot for as you cultivate more of this in your life. Engaging platonic love among neighbors, friends, family, community and service to others is how your self esteem can grow. It teaches each of us our unique value, and your goal can be to appreciate your own. You have it--you just don't recognize it yet.

Are you willing to take some baby steps in that direction? The decision alone is a first step, and it's a big one.