Should I try to save our marriage?

[Anna456]

Hello guys, I would like to know your opinions about my relationship. Im married for 4 years after 6 years of dating (no kids). My husband was my first guy and we started dating, when I was 18, so I kind of feel we grew up together. I always loved him to death and he was my everything. Never even thought about being with someone else. A year ago things started to change. My husband got a new job and he really focused all his energy into it. First I supported him, but then I started to feel really lonely. He was just working and the little free time he had, he invested into his own hobbies and friends. He did not want to spend any time with me. I had to do all housework, manage things on my own (paying bills, shopping etc..). I started to feel there is no joy in my life, he stopped to kiss me after he was back from work, did not want to hug me and later on even stopped to have a sex with me. I was broken, depressed. Of course I tried to talk to him, open a discussion. But he always said he is just stressed from his work and that everything will be ok in a while... but it wasn´t. I asked him to go with me to marriage counselor, but he refused. So I went alone, tried all advices the therapist gave me, but nothing worked. From being lonely, I started to get close to one of my friends. When my husband refused to spend time with me, I went out with my friend... I started to feel great with him. He was really caring and I realized how nice it is to talk to someone and share the same hobbies! I started to realize that with my husband we actually never had anything in common, he has completely different hobbies and we have actually nothing to talk about. The activities we were doing in our relationship before, were mainly his hobbies. He never wanted to do what I like and he never asked me how I feel about it. I realized he might be a bit selfish.... So I decided to break up with him. He was shocked and cried, told me he loves me, but then he agreed. He moved away....Meanwhile, my good friend confessed he was long time in love with me and just did not want to destroy my marriage so he kept it in a secret. We started to date (its been 1 month now) and I really enjoyed the time spend with him. But, I feel I will never love him like my husband... My friend (now boyfriend) has really amazing personality, we share same hobbies, ideas about future etc... but I just dont have the "right" feelings with him. I still feel the love of my life was my husband and I cant get over the memories we built together. I still feel too attached to him. Maybe because he was my first guy and I feel like I grew up with him, my feelings to him are really deep.... My husband meanwhile, visited psychologist to resolve his workoholism, started to work on himself and keeps calling me, telling me he wants me back. He came with a lot of ideas (which were really logical) how to make our marriage work. But I´m not sure if I should give him another chance, because I cant believe he can completely change his personality and even start to like the same things like me and truly enjoy the time spend with me. 

So here is the question: Do you think our marriage can work even though we dont have same hobbies and the only thing we share is our memories from past? I cant decide what is the best for me. We dont have kids, we are still young (I´m 28, he is 33) so I feel like its a pity to spend whole my life with someone with whom I will share no hobbies and will never have a great a conversation. Can our relationship work just based on that we love each other and "share our past"? Does any of you have a same experience like me? 

 

Thank you so much for your experience!

 

 

[catfeeder]

Not every separation ends in divorce, sometimes it’s a wake up call. You don’t have anything to lose by learning how well you can negotiate the relationship you want with the man you love. If he’ll agree to counseling, you’ll have someone who is trained in this stuff teaching you both how to navigate the future and build it into what you both want.

Nobody can guarantee you a success, but wouldn’t you feel better about your future either way if you knew that you’ve done all you can to make your marriage work?

[Lambert]

30 minutes ago, Anna456 said:

So here is the question: Do you think our marriage can work even though we dont have same hobbies

Yes. I think it can. 

You won't know unless you explore and decide what you need from your husband and relationship. And then communicate those needs to your husband and give him the chance to act accordingly.

If you want to share hobbies and interests then talk to him about it.  if you need more attention and affection, tell him.

We can't expect people to meet our needs if we don't express them.  it's a fairytale to think just loving a person is enough.  We are all complex individuals 

A marriage or any relationship really is a living thing.  it requires your attention and work and his, too. 

If he is the love of your life, does he at least deserve and you, too, to explore what your marriage could be. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Are you legally separated and living apart? Are you still with your BF?

You could try marriage therapy if your estranged husband is open to it. However if you're still with your BF your husband may simply file for divorce since you apparently started cheating before you asked to separate.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Anna456 said:

So here is the question: Do you think our marriage can work even though we dont have same hobbies and the only thing we share is our memories from past?

I am going to say "No". Not because of the hobbies. Lots of people have a different hobbies than their SO. But still manage to make it work. Because they have something else in common. You and your hubby dont seem to have anything in common. In fact, not only that, but he neglected you to the point you were a housekeeper to him. He can beg as much as he wants, he still misses a housekeeper part of you. Not a woman part. And I am afraid that will never change. You and your husband have longevity so it feels familiar. But other then that, everything else is simply gone. 

I cant even start about friendzoned man who you took after your husband was gone. That one is also a dud especially because you are already thinking about getting back with an ex.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Anna456 said:

A year ago things started to change. My husband got a new job and he really focused all his energy into it. First I supported him, but then I started to feel really lonely. He was just working and the little free time he had, he invested into his own hobbies and friends. He did not want to spend any time with me. I had to do all housework, manage things on my own (paying bills, shopping etc..). I started to feel there is no joy in my life, he stopped to kiss me after he was back from work, did not want to hug me and later on even stopped to have a sex with me. I was broken, depressed. Of course I tried to talk to him, open a discussion. But he always said he is just stressed from his work and that everything will be ok in a while... but it wasn´t

Yes, this is a problem! 😕 

 

4 hours ago, Anna456 said:

I started to get close to one of my friends. When my husband refused to spend time with me, I went out with my friend... I started to feel great with him. He was really caring and I realized how nice it is to talk to someone and share the same hobbies! I started to realize that with my husband we actually never had anything in common, he has completely different hobbies and we have actually nothing to talk about. The activities we were doing in our relationship before, were mainly his hobbies. He never wanted to do what I like and he never asked me how I feel about it.

I feel you two have now just grown apart.  It happens, with not a lot in common.

 

4 hours ago, Anna456 said:

He moved away....Meanwhile, my good friend confessed he was long time in love with me and just did not want to destroy my marriage so he kept it in a secret. We started to date (its been 1 month now) and I really enjoyed the time spend with him. But, I feel I will never love him like my husband... My friend (now boyfriend) has really amazing personality, we share same hobbies, ideas about future etc... but I just dont have the "right" feelings with him. I still feel the love of my life was my husband and I cant get over the memories we built together.

Do you think you maybe moved on too quickly?  Not giving yourself enough time to grieve the loss of your last relationship?

 

4 hours ago, Anna456 said:

My husband meanwhile, visited psychologist to resolve his workoholism, started to work on himself and keeps calling me, telling me he wants me back. He came with a lot of ideas (which were really logical) how to make our marriage work. But I´m not sure if I should give him another chance, because I cant believe he can completely change his personality and even start to like the same things like me and truly enjoy the time spend with me. 

Good for him, but I do agree here.  You already know your differences, so that will not change.. Sadly, as I say, ' too little, too late'.  Plus, often if a couple gets together again, it doesn't work out, things just don't feel the same anymore, etc 😕 .  

 

I suggest you remain on your own a good while.  Do not be involved with either of them.  ( don;t you think you rebounded with this other guy friend?).

Work and focus on YOU now, get yourself back to good and move on. 

 

[Tinydance]

Well I think the first thing to do would probably be to stop dating this friend. He's in love with you but you don't actually feel the same. You probably weren't even really into him but you just  "jumped" to him because your marriage wasn't going well.

I'm actually not sure if you should give your husband another chance. I think that not having all the same hobbies isn't necessarily a problem. Relationships are about compromise so it should be that you do both your hobbies. Like, try to do and take an interest in what each other like. I also don't think that just because he got a new job that he should have been neglecting you. Most people have a job and it doesn't get in the way of their relationship.

I would recommend just taking some time to yourself and being single. You seem to be rushing into things without thinking about it much. Obviously you broke up with your husband for particular reasons and the marriage wasn't really working. I suggest you don't just immediately go to your husband but be on your own and really think about it. 

[Andrina]

You did communicate what you wanted improved while with him. He didn't care enough to please you and fix the marriage. You stopped being his priority. The new change of a breakup is likely jarring to him, but I think if he won you back, things would go downhill again once the "newness" of reuniting fades.

In your shoes, I'd only communicate to him about the legal matters of divorce. And I'd break up with the new guy and don't even think about dating for a good year while you mourn and heal.

You need to find out who you are solo as an adult, which you've never been. If you don't take this solo time, you're bound to date unwisely, adding new stress upon the old.

You're right to not stand for an unhealthy balance of time together. Yes, a partner can have some time apart with friends and hobbies, but it should never be to the extent his SO is lonely and upset. Take care.

[MissCanuck]

I think neither of these men is right for you. 

Your marriage died a long time ago, and the new guy was a catalyst for you to finally end it. But you're not actually compatible with either of these two men anymore. 

 

[redswim30]

Putting your BF aside for a moment and just focusing on your husband.

Do I think your marriage can work?  NO.  Here's why.  IMVHO, when you are in a marriage, a person shows you who they really are and how much you really mean to them when you are ASKING THEM in the first place, when you are TELLING them what you need.   Your husband should have been making these efforts when you told him that you wanted to attend therapy back when you were still living together.  THAT would have been the time to change.  

The innate problem with someone "trying" once someone already has one foot out the door or is even fully out the door, is that this is more of a fear (and selfish) response and not a loved-based (couple based) response.  Perhaps your husband realized how much housework or cooking you did and that's why he wants you back. Perhaps he was having a work affair that ended and now doesn't want to be alone.  Maybe it's just that he doesn't want to be alone.  The point is, him responding now is all about how HE is feeling and doesn't necessarily actually have to do with his feelings towards you.   If he truly wanted to save your marriage- and it was about love for you and wanting to try and meet YOUR needs, the time to act would have been WHILE you were asking- not months and months later. 

Do you really think your husband is the love of your life or are you just lonely and confused?   Sometimes when something major ends, we tend to reflect on it with rose colored glasses.   You left him for a reason.  Perhaps your BF isn't perfect, but guess what?  The "perfect person" doesn't exist. 

So with your husband you found you lacked interest in the same hobbies and now with your new BF, you feel you lack maybe some of the passion you had in your marriage- that's what life is- finding out what is MOST important to you.   No single person is going to give you every single thing you need, it's up to you to determine what matters most to you. 

My first husband had way more "in common" with me than my current husband.   But my current husband treats me better, which is more important to me than the fact that he won't play video games with me.  

Perhaps it would be wise to take a step back and stop dating for a while to figure out what you really want.   If you are really this confused, then neither man is the right one for you.